Friday, 8 September 2017



Everything is shit. I mean, it isn't, probably but it feels like that today. And yesterday. And most of last week. What? Also, in the wider world, it is clearly shit, so actually, let's stick with the initial statement.

Ingratitude Journal (with apologies/thanks to Ganching who did it first)

Faced with the Reichenbach Falls of translation, I am doing nothing more productive than staring at the grey sky (I'm fine with grey sky, I welcome it, that is not part of the shitness) and occasionally quietly whispering "I hate everyone" and "fuck everything".

Family Life I will not go further, much as I might wish to because Family Life Omertà must be maintained except when Insta-messaging one's best friend from the lavatory in the dead of night whilst cry-laugh-crying.

Just spoilered myself for Fake or Fortune - the thought of which is the only thing keeping me going many days - because of following my fantasy husband Philip Mould on Twitter (no regrets though).

Quoted very punchily for a couple of jobs on my spouse's advice and as a result have no work or money (I still think he was right but I have €8 in my bank account before my (holiday) credit card bill goes through). I genuinely can't quite see how to earn a living at the moment. I can't be entirely unskilled, but my skills such as they are are not highly valued in monetary terms in 2017.

Regarding the above, I have resolved to pitch more, but what this means concretely is a momentary feeling of achievement followed by hours of feeling shit, when my tentative pitch ("here is something you might possibly, conceivably, be interested in?") is met with a big fat horrified no ("why are you offering us the decomposing corpse of a subway rat, what is wrong with you, you fucking halfwit, also we covered decomposing rat corpses frequently this year, why the fuck didn't you do your research", this is how it feels to me anyway). This is ... emotionally challenging. I will persist. I have it in mind to try and be more male about work stuff.

Quite fat after Yorkshire holiday of Tunnocks Teacakes, gin and crisps so have Tight Trouser Gloom/Rage.

I note also, that on closer examination these trousers are covered in weird brownish green stains. Bird shit? Yorkshire gunk?

It's the time of the year where everything bites me so I'm scratching like a flea-ridden dog.

My scrubby old hen has decided to make it her life's mission to kill my new hens. Every time I think things have calmed down, there's a flurry of screeching and feathers and I have to run outside and make peace with mealworms and cardboard boxes.

New tinyhen:

Ok, this is only one of them, but I can't get a decent pic of the pair of them together and the other one is squeakier and faster. I love them.

As you can see, I have nothing funny or interesting to say which is why I have stayed away. If that changes, I will be sure to let you know. I will probably let you know if things continue to be shit too.


MargotLeadbetter said...

Have you thought of getting us blog readers to think of pitches for you to write, on what we'd like to read from you? You'd still have to do the pitching but it might suspend your sense of ownership of them a bit, if it's someone else's idea, and therefore ease the pain. We could HAVE A COMPETITION!

Anna Maria said...

Great idea, Margot. I can totally relate to the emotional lows when your pitch is turned down. IMO, you deserve a column, that would save you from pitching, there are quite a few rubbish columnists around, and you'd be a perfect replacement. But, of course, the world doesn't work that way. I sometimes come across an article in a Polish paper, which is about the UK, and it's invariably written by someone who lives there, not here, and is full of inaccuracies/cliches/misconceptions, and I am not afraid to say I'd do a much better job, but I don't know/haven't shagged the editor, so never will.

CJ said...

Pitching is a rollercoaster of emotions for me - inadequacy being one of the main ones. Happily a bit of work writing ebooks has fallen my way, so I am pretending it will last forever and ignoring the whole pitching thing until desperation strikes again. Depressing how little writers are paid at times though. Sorry about the hen drama. It's all about the puppy here. Every time it goes quiet I have to run and see what he's up to. You have reminded me to deflea him, thank you.

Karen said...

My days are more depressing when I don't have a new post from you to read. How about a new book about general stuff? maybe each chapter could be its own short story, kind of like your blog? I love hearing about your menagerie of animals and even the everyday stuff. You always make mundane things seem so funny and quirky. Don't give up!

ganching said...

"Your welcome" as the young people. I might have to have a whole post on the you're/your thing.

CFletch said...

I'm so fed up of the Tight Trouser Gloom/Rage that I have just bought the next trouser size up. This is depressing in its own right, but at least I can breathe properly and am not reduced to leaving the house with my buttons undone.

I am also much feasted upon by wildlife, and have recently resorted in desperation to Avon Skin So Soft. It sounds mad, but after a few days I can report that mosquitos have stopped munching on me and instead are biting my husband, and on the one evening I forgot to apply it, they were right back to biting me. So, anecdata, but it's cheap, smells nice and might be worth a try?

WOL said...

I'm not feasted upon by wildlife very much at all mostly because I never go outdoors because summer in Tx panhandle (3 months' worth of 32+C temps). I am one of those Glow In The Dark Caucasians who only require about 15 minutes to reach medium rare.

Personally, I think "Menagerie a Quatre" would be a catchy title for a new book dealing with the vicissitudes of being a mother of teenaged boys (cross between medieval anchorite mortification of the flesh and the Sysyphus in hell fun ride), as well as the circus of domestic animals who are along for the ride. Personally, I found your desire to have a kitchen scale that had not been used to weigh tortoises very funny.

I think something using the same dry wit and droll humor as your blog has would be very readable. When my news reader informs me you have a new blog post, I look forward to seeing what goes on chez vous.

Beatrix said...

Quote the amount that is in between your rate and your husband's suggestion and it might be fine. Or benchmark. See what others quote and think if you can live on that.

Carla P said...

I don't understand the lack of interest at all;( I am really enjoying your book and your blog. What is the matter with those idiots?

As far as your chicken integration goes, it can take weeks (or longer) to integrate new hens into a small flock. Apparently, if you had a rooster he would intervene. You can also try separating the "bully" for a week, then put her back with the rest and see if she's been knocked down a few pegs in the order.
To me, the worst part of having chickens is that frickin pecking order and having to integrate new ones. However, "experts" say that if no blood is shed, to let them sort it out. I have never been able to do that.
Good Luck, the new one is adorable

A said...

I'm an executive coach, and I'm a good one in a field of pseudo-science spouting wannabe gurus. Sometimes my clients write to me a year later and tell me how much our work together changed them. And yet. I continue to take other, non-coaching jobs because they're the ones that just show up and actually reaching out to people for work makes me want to remove my eyeballs with a spoon.

So, I feel you on this.

R Edwards said...

I've tried to be a full time artist for a few years but sadly looking for anything else going at present as my artist skills are in virtually no demand. Plenty of humiliation when nothing sells and I've decided that sitting in an office would be preferable to a constant stream of rejections and self esteem dropping day by day. Doing what you love is not all it's cracked up to be sometimes!!! That doesn't help you but yes the low pitches win- and I guess if I dropped by prices to rock bottom I would sell more. I see other artists selling very low and know that they are not covering their materials, canvases and time at all. So, that's the unhappy truth about being a freelancer!! I will still paint for my own pleasure though :) Still, you can see how many people love your sense of humour (me included!!) so your brand of expressing yourself must have a home somewhere- I love the idea of a column (you just need a few sponsors!)

paula daly said...

Yours is the only blog I read. It's my treat when I've finished my words for the day.

Have you read Standard Deviation by Katherine Heiny? It's incredibly funny and I'm sure it's right up your street. I read it a while ago and kept thinking: Emma needs to write something like this!
I'm sure your talent lends itself to creating a tragi-comedy novel.

Hope you feel better soon. Know I am cheering you on from the dank Lakes. Much love. Paula Daly xxxx

Waffle said...

Paula actual Daly whose books I completely love, you are so kind. I DID read SD, when I finally get around to putting up book list for summer, it is on it.

You're all very kind. I'll probably crawl out of this slump eventually. That or sell a kidney.

Harn Network said...

Self employment is fine, apart from the pitching. I like being self employed but why can't I just be offered some nice, well paid work rather than having to go and search for it and grit my teeth at the rejections?
On the up side 'jambes lourdes' have crossed the Channel! My mother told me yesterday she had heavy legs, like it was a medical complaint, a real thing. I disgraced myself, I laughed, unfortunately I'd just taken a mouthful of tea so I was in messy, unfeeling, undutiful daughter disgrace. But, it's here! I expect to be offered a £5 Off Heavy legs Products voucher the next time I'm in Boots.
And I agree, let us do your pitching for you.

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