Thursday, 27 April 2017

Things I would have tweeted if I were not on a Twitter break

(obviously some of them would have required several tweets and hopefully some of them I would have thought twice about bothering to tweet, though I can offer no guarantee of that)

1. Whatever is currently growing, flowering, pollinating, shedding in Brussels needs to take a long, hard look at itself before my throat closes up entirely.

2. I'm beginning to think Gap is knowingly exploiting me and my weakness for its "Girlfriend Twill Stripe Chino". Having fallen hopelessly in love with said trouser and having started to stockpile it in a range of colours, Gap has started to torment me by sending me special discount codes just after I order a pair. Look, it says, today you get 30% off! 35% and free shipping! 20%!  45% AND A A PONY! ACT NOW OFFER ENDS AT MIDNIGHT! Soon there will be no space and no money left in the world, just me and a massive pile of fairly ordinary trousers, into which I will be weeping. It's chinos for dinner again, kids.

3. Further Gap Girlfriend Twill Stripe Chino thought: these trousers, which are tight but not skinny jean tight, reveal to me by their fit that my left leg is fatter than my right leg. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, they do the same exercise and consume the same foods. Maybe it is for the same reason that my left foot is always scaly and dry and my left ankle always swollen, things I attribute to a random mystery accident in 2005, where I woke up one morning with my left leg black with bruising up to the knee and no idea how it happened ('had you possibly been drinking?" the doctor enquired delicately, but I truly hadn't). I think I must have fallen off a high heel and not noticed because I was functionally insane in 2005, running on citalopram, shopping and miso soup. Anyway. My left leg is still fucked, it would appear.

4. Shape of every week: Monday galloping eye-popping anxiety, Tuesday still anxious, Wednesday tired and resentful, Thursday whispering "I hate everyone" every couple of hours, Friday morning just saying "fuck everything" out loud over and over whilst eating piles of things covered in butter, Friday afternoon, blank staring.

5. Dreamed that I caught eldest child red handed using a drug that my subconscious decided to name "Bio-Huff". BIO HUFF. Is that ... organic solvent? How does that work, subconscious? My subconscious is a dick.

6. Having time to worry about whether you are facilitating the patriarchy or are merely entrapped by it or both is probably the definition of not having proper problems to worry about (this is referring to myself, obviously, I'm hardly in a position to criticise anyone else's preoccupations).

7. Phrase "cheery picking" seen in document I am currently editing is extremely pleasing. See also phrase "salty and sweat buffet" spotted on an Instagram post.


Also pleasing in that Wikipedia entry:

"By 1884, Gauguin had moved with his family to Copenhagen, Denmark, where he pursued a business career as a tarpaulin salesman. It was not a success: He could not speak Danish, and the Danes did not want French tarpaulins."

I love Wikipedia entries. Anne Demeulemeester's claims her father was a "chicory professor"

9. More pleasing adventures in agenda writing:

"Het Zesde Metaal had their fourth album 'Calais' coming out last year and we were stunned! Even though they are singing in West-Flemish dialect, which is practically incomprehensible for the biggest part of Belgium and the rest of the world, everyone feels it, that folky music. The electronic elements on the new album are a real enrichement."

10. Jami Attenberg All Grown Up - started at 11pm, had finished by 8am next morning (and I slept quite reasonably between those hours too). SO GREAT.

11. Level of sleep deprivation where you call hail "gail", spell October "Otobre" and can't remember what the name of the cutting tool used in conjunction with a fork is = the stage at which you should probably step away from your writing based tasks for the day.

12. Four hours of Dutch class entirely on vocabulary relating to electrical appliances = at least 3.9 hours too many, but now I could probably write trilingual manuals for Van Den Borre (vous avez bien choisi) if all my work dries up.

That's it for now. More thoughts as I have them. I am feeling oppressed by the need to update the Reading page, because I have done MOUNTAINS of reading in last 2 months, so you can look forward (or not) to some extremely succinct reviews.

Oh! Also, I sent all the winners ("winners") their books Tuesday last week. Some of them have even arrived. Are you one of the lucky ones? Or has Bastardpost sent your prize to Bermuda?


WOL said...

Regarding your left leg being bigger than your right, you might want to be investigated for blood clots in that left leg. Just a thought.

Waffle said...


Jacqui Fenner-Dixon said...

Oooh, sorry I haven't sent you my address. I can't believe I am getting a copy of your book!! So excited. I live at Highway Cottage, Highway, Ash, Martock, Somerset TA126NT. If it's any consolation, I am number 4 most of the time these days.

Marina Carstens said...

I can totally relate to 1 & 4. Once upon a time I was having allergies so bad that I informed my mom that the outer layer of my eye was coming off. Turns out it was just swollen.

Murphy said...

My book arrived yesterday afternoon ! Thank you so much! Also, you did sign it, so thank you for that as well. (Now my friend Jane will be gifted my hardcover copy of your book, as I am a sucker for an autographed book.) It is cold and rainy today, so I'm going to start my reread when I get home from work. Lots of allergens here, even with the cold rain.

Kate O'Dea said...

Emma, get the leg/ankle swelling investigated. Seriously.

Madeleine said...

Mine had arrived by the time I got back from hols on Tuesday- proper thanks enclosed with book I posted to you yesterday. Let's see how long yours takes to arrive...
Hope that the spring fever eases up soon- my husband is a martyr to it.

1971thistle said...

What's wrong with being a "chicory professor"? He could act as a consultant to Belgium's numerous chicory museums

Waffle said...

Jacqui! I'll go to the post office tomorrow

Kate - It's not swollen swollen. Just marginally larger than the other one. And the ankle has been doing that for 11 years without me dropping dead... I suppose there's still time though.

1971thistle - I want to believe it, truly I do. I might have to interview her one day to check.

Suzy said...

Re 7 The EP here in Brxl, was once serving 'cheery mousse'. My life is so lacking in excitement this amuses me to this day!

curlywurlyfi said...

I have the left/right calf thing + it is, I believe, entirely due to using the clutch in a manual car. Truly! I do so little other exercise that the poor leg thinks, aha, pressing down = exercise, so enlarges.

Anna Maria said...

I love such misspellings, they made me laugh, thank you.
Please, do update Reading, thank you. I'm currently reading AL Kennedy's On Writing, and enjoying it, I'd recommend it if you feel like you need some inspiration.
Loved the Guardian piece, very true.

Alan said...

I hesitate to ask, as I know you to be a denier, but would this leg of which you speak be "heavy" at all?

WOL said...

An author of my acquaintance keeps a collection of her favorite tyops, home groan and otherwise.

If the left leg enlargement is in the thigh, is only marginal and you frequently drive a car with a manual transmission, yeah, I'd buy that explanation. Letting in the clutch requires straightening the leg, and that exercises the quadriceps muscle that is on top of the thigh. Or, like, if there is some area of your environment where you must make one step upward and you habitually step up with your left leg. Or, come to that, any other activity where you are straightening the left leg against resistance more frequently than you are the right.

Waffle said...


Alan said...

Just asking.

Nick Brown said...

Timing's a bit random, but I'm reading we'll always have Paris, and it is just utterly lovely. Beautifully written, I'm near to the end but just wish it would go much longer.

Waffle said...

Oh Nick, that is so so pleasing - thank you so much for telling me!

Cathy Cullis said...

I suggest you ask your children to explain to you the Spaghetti God religion - you will certainly get them engaged in conversation (well it worked for me).

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