Sunday, 30 April 2017

Just another dog

I try and talk to my son about the newly composed Magritte themed opera he is playing violin in.

E: So is there singing? Speaking? Dance?

Child: Yeah

E: Is there a story?

Child: (Incredulous stare) Huh?

E: I mean, do you know what the story is?

Child: No cos it’s in Dutch (insolent upward inflection to delivery to convey my great stupidity)?

E: What actually happens?

Child (sighing): There’s a giant coffin with, like, a bowler hat on.


Child: I’m actually going to bed now bye

I suppose I will find out on 6th May.

I try to communicate with my other son, on a school trip

Child leaves, alone, on foot, at 5:30 am. I instruct him he must tell me when he arrives so I know he hasn't been abducted.

Several hours pass

E: Have you been abducted?

Further 2 hour interval

Child: i haven't been abducted

Several days later

E: You ok?

Several more days later

E: Assuming you're still alive, do you know when you get back?

Time at which school party supposed to return comes and goes.

E: Shall I order you a pizza?

1 hour after putative return time


Doorbell rings, it is child.

(incidentally, he has just told me he "doesn't care" what we have for dinner or what cake I make/purchase for his birthday and I think my heart is a bit broken)

My dog is a misogynist (or he just doesn't like me)

I have realised gradually, unpleasantly, how very much my dog prefers my husband to me, despite the incontrovertible fact that I am the only person in this household who walks him and feeds him (dog, not husband, quoique).  He also prefers my older son to me, but at least my older son occasionally looks up from watching videos of morons playing video games to throw his plush measles toy, so that seems more justified.

Evidence #1: when we go out for a walk, me, husband and dog and I cross the road to eg. throw a bag of shit away (picking up shit = another thing that is mysteriously a job that only I can do), Ouipette is wholly indifferent to my momentary absence. However, if husband moves even fractionally away from us, Ouipette loses his shit, refuses to move and stares around wildly and inconsolably until husband returns.

Evidence #2 despite not really liking being stroked, Ouipette will submit to lengthy strokings and ear pullings from husband in the evenings. If I attempt to stroke him, he moves away, coldly, much like a teenage boy.

E: (outraged) You're a SEXIST, Oscar, you fucker. This isn't how I raised you!

Child: The thing is, Dad's the alpha, isn't he. You're just ... another dog.


If you don't know what it is, it's probably a deer

Yesterday we found this list (scroll down) of authorised mammals you can keep as pets in Brussels and wow, I am excited. Bison? Or a spiny mouse? A gayal looks cool too. If anyone can work out what an "ynomys social" is, I would be fascinated to know. Would I like it? I'm not sure about the "social" part.

I have put up my March reading, btw. The Ariel Levy is especially great.


jane said...

Your March reading list! Yeeeeeeeeeees! Scurrying away to check it out. (this wasn't planned, but I seem to be reading only books recommended by you at the moment. Currently reading Tana French's The Trespasser. It is good).

WOL said...

"ynomys social" is evidently misspelled. "Cynomys social" is the latin name of what we in Tx call a "Prairie Dog." Yes, they look cute, but they eat grass, they burrow like gophers, they breed like mice (frequently and in large litters), and they are a reservoir for bubonic plague. You do not want one.

Anna Maria said...

Thank you for updating your list, though with approx 3879 books and ebooks still waiting to be read, I will probably never read every book/ebook I already have before I shuffle off my mortal coil.
There are no alphas in dog world, BTW. The whole alpha dog thing was based on some flawed research on wolves in captivity, and has long been discredited. But it seems to persist, just like 8 glasses of water a day, another myth.
My dogs don't seem to have favourites, though my husband claim the rescue Collie prefers me. They are both absolute tarts.

WOL said...

Oh, and there is a species of owl (Athene cunicularia) who nests in abandoned prairie dog burrows owing to the lack of trees on the Great Plains, whence the name of my Wordpress blog.

MJ said...

May I just say that I'm glad that I'm not the only parent who has those text conversations with a teen. Mine is with a teenage girl and what I find absolutely astounding is that when I text with some relevant question (dinner, abduction, etc.) there can be long pauses before I hear anything. It's like the phone doesn't even work. However, when she texts me and I don't respond IMMEDIATELY I will get multiple texts wondering about my lack of response. It's weird.
Thanks too for the reading list. I'm off to check it out.

Carla said...

Yep, I have two sons, one is quick to respond, the other never responds.... however, he is really a decent human face to face ;) We have seriously considered calling the cops thinking he was dead, yet we get to his house and he is astonished to see us. He is a 27 year old bachelor, so I expect this to be permanent.
My 2 cavaliers are probably the most spoiled dogs on the planet. I think cause we have two dogs, the love is spread around between hubby and I.
Thanks for the hilarious post once again!!!