Wednesday, 22 March 2017


I don't have much time, so I'm just going to do some complaining. Please join in in the comments. You know it feels good.

1. My skin is terrible again and I can’t leave it alone. There are two adolescent boys in this house and they BOTH have fewer spots than me, how can this possibly be? I even bought some of the face stuff various of you recommended when I was last moaning about my skin, but it seems to be making everything worse. Or that might be the amount of Dairy Milk I am eating.

2. I have sinusitis and feel like I am underwater, except also the water I am under is magic water that has the power to make you REMARKABLY STUPID.

3. My new chicken water thingy is terrible, an awful design, which keeps emptying itself and sending me into puny, toddler-style impotent rages. Whilst I was mid-rage this morning, a crow ate one of the eggs I had left on top of the chicken house.

4. I have committed at some significant expense to do a thing with my family when really I wanted to do it BY MYSELF. IN SILENCE. Much more cheaply.

5. I left my bank card in the ticket machine at the cinema on Sunday and with 4, above, currently on my credit card have no means of obtaining cash.

6. On aforementioned cinema trip I also accidentally went to see the wrong film and was too British to fight my way through the row of pensioners to get out and go and see the right film (La La Land). The film I did see (M et Mme Adelman) was described by Le Monde as “un ratage spectaculaire” and “une funeste erreur” (spectacular failure/grave error). A great afternoon altogether.

7. I have some work now but it is the real chore kind that makes me want to watch videos of giant cockerels, or clean eating bloggers making salad, or do my VAT, or anything else at all, really.

8. Having lost the Tamagotchi of Evil (Fitbit), I sunk into terrible non-walking, Dairy Milk eating habits for a week, but I have now found it again. Which is … good? I suppose? But I quite enjoyed my lapse into #fuckit torpor and not being nagged to do 250 steps an hour. It is genuinely alarming to me how susceptible I am to the commands of my tiny wrist overlord. I will be fuck all use in the rebellion against our robot masters a few decades down the line, indeed, it looks like I will be a massive collabo. Oh, self-knowledge, you are a dubious gift.

9. Is this streaming eyes and nose scenario hayfever, already? This despite the fact that back yard is still a barren chicken ravaged wasteland, from which no pollen can be emanating.

10. I ate so much rhubarb crumble last night that my groaning, bloated stomach STILL aches. This is bad in and of itself, but also my visit to The Mean Gynaecologist is fast approaching and TMG insists on weighing you and commenting sternly if you have had the temerity to gain any weight (which CLEARLY, I have, I was quite slim 18 months ago when I last saw her due to insanity, now I am at the high point of the #fuckit curve). Rhubarb crumble binges are not the way to deal with this. I sometimes wonder if I should just refuse to let her weigh me, but I find authority figures irresistible and she is very tweedy and authoritarian indeed.

Ok, your turn.


Jennifer Peters said...

I got stabbed with a Brussels Sprout and then fell down the stairs. I really hate daylight savings.

Rosie said...

I have a delightful combination of dry skin and puffy eyelids currently. I've thrown away my new make-up remover and stopped wearing contact lenses for a bit to no avail. The next step is obviously to have a day devoid of make-up but this will have to wait until I can get away with hiding in the house all day, ignoring delivery drivers and foregoing dog walks.

Have you heard David Sedaris' experience of his Fitbit - it's on iPlayer Radio now, I think, if you can access it - it might strike a few chords with you.

cruella said...

Have one giant saddlebag under left eye. Right looks "ok". No reason for this other than Age. Cures, magic spells, anyone?

Cannot seem to shut the light until way after midnight. And then I wake up too hot, too cold, too hot, too cold like 15 times until halv six. Age, also.

Erratic, nagging feeling I should be MORE PRODUCTIVE. Since I'm not a creative person I don't really know what I mean by that. Writing? No, no, no. The only thing I ever managed is semi-automatic outbursts toward a very tight deadline. Maybe I really should try some knitting after a pattern or sth. Strongly suspect I don't have the brains for it.

April showers of the most ridiculous kind these days, grey skies, gusts of wind, icy rain, then some very pale sunshine. Doesn't matter, I'm indoors in a nearly windowless office.

Suzy said...

If it's any help, all Belgian gynaes seem incredibly bossy - I got so fed up with it undermining my confidence I welched and signed up with the British practise in town. Our normal gp is lovely so he does real sickness..I just go to town for 'women's issues'. Thwre are aome horrid bugs at the mo too - I've had vertigo, but only at night, for about three weeks (loose crystals in my ear says my mother...fine, whatever) And Belgian crows! Well..they make foxes look abstemious, especially on rubbish collection day. But the sun is shining and it is not raining...I hold that thought. (And I went to the Commune this am and they accepted a I live in hope..)

Anonymous said...

Spots are nothing to do with diet! I had this direct from a medical professional last week, much to the relief of my strict pizza-chocolatarian 12yo (tests still ongoing on the effect of diet on weight though). I've given up the booze for Lent and it's been educational (& quite dull obvs). My alcohol tolerance may never recover. Finally, I seem to have lost my personal sense of vanity, which has probably been my most defining characteristic up until recently. It's quite liberating and also comfortable/easy, never to care about doing your hair or putting on make up, and skanking around in elastic waisted jeans and a puffy anorak all the time.

Unknown said...

When I went for my first NHS "MOT" (they are every 5 years starting at 40), the nurse not only wanted to weigh me, but ...measure my height. I refused both, saying that I can simply tell her, since I haven't grown (or shrunk, I'm not an old lady suffering from brittle bones) in 25 years, and I have high-tech scales, and she can see I'm not obese. She looked disapproving, but I stood my ground, and I know you can, too.

Jadis Noir said...

I have given up on hair dye, plucking my eyebrows and the scale. My 12yo informed me earlier that I have nose hair but that my dimples are fetching. The jury's still out on whether that was a compliment. I find myself straying to the comfortable side of my wardrobe and predict Elizabeth Taylor style kaftans for summer at this rate.
Currently I'm pondering whether I should do a lemon posset for dessert instead of worrying about the endless backlog, looming deadlines, VAT (already?) and the gyn (oh, don't we all relish the cheerless light and general uncomfortable nudity). Damocles, be gone!

Unknown said...

I feel your pain re the Tamogotchi of Evil aka fitbit but have discovered that laziness will triumph eventually - ie I can't be fking *rsed to feed it/buy a battery - problem solved. It sits blankly and mutely in a tissue remnant strewn corner of my handbag - ha!
Complaints - psychotic weather making the daily trudge into the City from Shoreditch where the bus gives up an absolute bloody nightmare (however if the fitbit had a battery it would be happy - loadsa steps)
Making me smile - Barbara Ellen in last Sunday's Observer describing Trumps face as a crumbling urinal cake. Also photo of Angela Merkel looking at Trump - she is obvs thinking - WTAF? She is my second favourite German after Klinsman.

Simone said...

Complaint #1: I live in America, where Donald Trump is (currently) president.
Complaints #2-399: see Complaint #1.

Alan said...

In early January I experienced the unalloyed joy of a hernia operation.

Apparently nowadays, after tucking everything back in, a mesh of some kind is inserted over the breach to prevent it all from popping out again (are you still there?).

The last time I saw the surgeon who carried out the procedure was when he used a large laundry marker to draw an arrow on my lower abdomen to remind him where the problem was.

It is my belief that he subsequenlty put the marker behind his ear for later use while he operated on me, at some point the marker must have fallen neatly into my wound and the surgeon, clearly thinking about his next round of golf, failed to notice and quickly sewed me up.

Now, when I climb stairs or walk up a steep incline I can feel the bloody thing sticking into me from the inside. I think I preferred the hernia, at least it was all part of me, original equipment if you will.

T said...

Unemployment sucks, but so do job interviews, particularly ones that include tests and presentations (tomorrow, tomorrow). Homelessness/staying with relatives indefinitely is also bad. There is nothing even vaguely funny or humorous about my complaints but I am indeed grateful for the opportunity to vent. Also, you can't possibly have as many spots as I do.

J. said...

I got too complacent after avoiding my preschooler's stomach flu and regular flu, and caught his horrible cold PLUS what I thought was just a skin boil, but it provoked alarmed exclamations, safety gear for the nurse and a special laboratory bacteria culture test when I finally broke down and went to the doctor. Now I'm on antibiotics that are making my lips peel and the MRSA decolonization protocol "just in case." I have to shower twice a day with special soap, change my sheets every day and throw out my toothbrush after every use, and I can't drink alcohol, but I STILL have to go to bloody work, where people are resigning/getting fired at a rate of one a week since January 1 (in a staff of 42). And of course unhinged supervillans from a third rate Hollywood blockbuster are still occupying the highest offices in the land. Angela Merkel looking at Ivanka is my spirit animal right now.

Waffle said...

J - Whaaaaaaat? This is fully terrible! Poor you! You should totally be off work watching shit television.

Alan - Maybe you could sue? ££££££££

Sabine said...

Rhubarb is a seasonal thing and therefore rhubarb crumble is not exactly food but a seasonal event to celebrate. Unlike Dairy Milk which is available all year round. Considering the short time span proper rhubarb is available, we must eat as much as we can get before asparagus comes into season, which is best consumed with sauce Bearnaise, followed by decent strawberries, with ice cream or cream or shortbread or all of these, and French apricots, quite delicious in a crumble. And so on.

Alan said...

I was rather hoping for sponsorship from Pentel.

frau antje said...

My only complaint is that you're just saying your skin is bad now, because you think I have the energy to flay you. First, it was a joke. Second, if I had the energy to flay anyone, you'd be reading about in the papers. In all fairness, my 'regimen' is Murnauers Totes Meer Gesichts Waschemulsion, followed by Nivea day creme, knock yourself out.

Also, saw a flock of birds having a fit, and realized they were chasing something. When they all flew in my direction, I found myself looking straight at the Tippi Hedren of barn owls. Hope it ended well.

I'm going to La La Land, the place, not the movie. Fucking finally. Home, where the sovereign likes corgis (and used to sleep with Linda Ronstadt). I will go to see Power Rangers though, as I saw an ad that said it's Morphine Time. Hard times call for feel good movies.

Bryony said...

La La Land was pants. You missed nothing. Also, there is nothing for which rhubarb crumble is not the answer. Xxxxx

WOL said...

Well, you did ask for it.
1. Trump, Trump, Trumpity, Trump. (I have quit watching TV because the mere sight of the man nauseates me to the barfing point, and my blood pressure skyrockets. Never mind having to listen to him kvetch and moan.)
2. Was diagnosed in January with small cell lymphoma/chronic lymphocytic leukemia with 25% marrow involvement.
3. The only health care I can afford is VA and Medicare, to which (either or both) the British socialized medicine is vastly superior, and neither is doing absolutely squat about #2.
4. In order to get care from the VA (no copays), I have to drive 225 miles round trip to another city where the VA facility is. I've driven 1100+ miles in the last 3 months Try driving 114 miles the day after biopsy surgery with 12 stitches in your left side. Right where your bra goes. Why the surgeon needed to make a six-inch long incision to remove something the size of a jellybean escapes me. Bone marrow biopsies were done by a physician's **assistant**. See #3.
5. I wrote my congressman about #2, #3 and #4 in January. Got a phone call from his aid today deploring #3 and #4.
6. I have lost 5 lbs/2.25 kg in a month and a half while eating things like crisps, McDonald's hamburgers, ice cream, cheese, and otherwise not trying to lose weight which means #2 is getting worse. See #3 and #4.
7. The Bradford pear trees which are everywhere are in bloom and my sinuses are having a screaming hissy fit.
8. Every time I sneeze, I pee my pants. See #7.
9. Smoke from the grass fires up north of us and the forest fires west of us are aggravating my asthma and doing a number on my eyes.
10. I can't see to read or knit or binge-watch anything. See #9.
11. High was 91F (32+C) Sunday and 92F (33+C) Monday and this is only March. Global warming is obviously a myth.

Alanna said...

This video on how to drain your own sinuses has been life-changing for me in terms of my ability to cope with the endless sinus infections brought on by Cairo's foul, foul air. May it bless you as well:

Waffle said...

Alanna - Ok, this has me intrigued, yet also terrified. Is it horrifying? I'm going to have to work up to it.

WOL - This is a veritable catalogue of REAL TERRIBLENESS. I am so sorry.

Frau Antje - What the hell is going on with Power Rangers, I keep seeing the adverts it is troubling. Morphine time, tho, we all have time for that.

Patience_Crabstick said...

In my experience, rhubarb is a powerful diuretic, so perhaps binging on it is helpful in the short term.
Like most Americans right now, I'm stuck in suspended animation, hoping that Trump's final downfall is just around the corner. I can't get anything done because must check twitter every ten seconds. And Trump made me gain ten pounds- clearly the WORST of his offenses.

Cathie said...

I am really cross that the Christmas lights are still switched on In the village where I live.

Alanna said...

Don't be afraid! The sinus video is so shocking gentle and innocuous that one has trouble believing that it could work. And yet following her regime of tapping above my collarbone and stroking the back of my neck returns my head to mildly painful instead of filled with acidic concrete.

Harriet said...

One word...menopause. GRRRRRRR...

Anonymous said...

agree with Bryony - I found La la land really tedious and irritating - it was arranged by season, and by the time spring was over I was grinding my teeth and willing summer, autumn and winter to HURRY UP and be over with already. So missing it was a win, not a fail, if you ask me.

complaints - I also live in the US. So, TRUMP x 1000000. also kids' homework - neverending source of stress, especially when they "discover" more of it at 9.45pm...

ms. cactus

Unknown said...

Regarding your fitbit habit, I think you will find David Sedaris's article about same (in the New Yorker sometime back; you will need to google it) to be actual insanity medicine!!!

Claire said...

I was going to complain about various tiny and annoying ailments and then I read your wonderful reader comments. I became hysterical with laughter round about Alan's 'sponsored by Pentel' comment and now I feel much better. Thank you!

Margaret said...

Well, since our Horrifying Election, I've gotten very fat and drink too much wine. My brain is mostly frozen with anxiety and horror. Plus my job is a psychologically toxic hellscape that I can't work up the mental energy to escape. Also, I only fit in one pair of pants. I fear a Shelly Winters future of rehab and caftans.

T said...

Contains chickeeeeeens. I saw this post and thought of you. Do not be alarmed by the aggressive URL.

Mary said...

Last night I saw a rat IN MY KITCHEN (not a pet). My neighbor warned me about a neighborhood infestation a few weeks ago, but I didn't quite believe her. I should have believed her.
Plus ongoing 24/7 complaint about current US government.
But mainly the rat.

Taxmom said...

General Trump-induced terror, previously mentioned by several of your commentors. Similarly, obsession with his imminent (yes? maybe?) downfall, have become an obsessive consumer of political podcasts.

Strict regimen of self denial over the past year had some good results, now completely blown b/c my office has decided that carb-loading is essential for happy employees during tax season (when we work 50+ hours/week). Thanks for nothing.

That said, should stop internetting and do some exercise before going back to work.

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry, good luck Wol

Anonymous said...

Just lost half a tooth from chewing ice to mitigate bedtime hot flushes. Addicted now to ice but also quite fond of remaining teeth, so very torn. Also cobbling together a life from simultaneous use of two rapidly failing laptops. The lottery just looks the other way and hums to itself.

caiyan said...

ralph lauren outlet
michael kors outlet online
official coach factory outlet
golden state warriors jerseys
nike air max 90
fred perry polo
nike factory store
longchamp outlet
pandora uk

Unknown said...

Dehradun News

check cashing Philadelphia said...

simply keep in mind U.S. and that we can money your check terribly short amount with a awfully low value.

Ryan Wells said...

Daredevil season 3 is going to be extremely absorbing as the show runners might bring back Elektra. Daredevil Season 3 Trailer

Anonymous said...

champions trophy schedule 2017
cpl schedule 2017
icc women wc schedule 2017
salman khan upcoming movies
shah rukh khan upcoming movies
tubelight collection
ramadan mubarak messages

Anonymous said...

nice post.. superbly written
mpsc current affairs
box office collection
shayari hindi
marathi news paper

John said...

pandora soldes
nike air max 95
michael kors outlet online
adidas yeezy boost
adidas superstars
fitflops sale clearance
coach outlet canada
birkin handbags
fendi bags
birkenstock outlet

Nick said...

raksha bandhan quotes
independence day quotes
2 line shayari in hindi
bigg boss winners

Carruth Vallecillo said...

They do this by setting up your record to naturally expand your Cash Advance San-diego each compensation date unless you illuminate them that you need to fork over the required funds.

Unknown said...

Very good post. Thanks for sharing. Imo is the best application for video calling and chatting.

imo for pc
imo for windows phone
imo for mac
imo for Chrome Browser
imo for mac
imo for mac
imo apk

Gum User said...

Sharing nih Obat jerawat yang tak kunjung sembuh Bondan and fade 2 black Obat bintik merah gatal dan menyebar FM Obat tulang ekor nyeri saat haid Setia Band Obat ambeien Ada Band Obat kanker kelenjar getah bening Padi Obat ginjal bengkak zigaz Obat benjolan di wajah D'massiv Obat kencing terus menerus Noah Obat kutil kelamin Slank Obat batuk tbc Thank you so much...

robin said...

Pest Control services in Kirti Nagar
Pest Control services in Modi Nagar
Pest Control services in Patel Nagar
Pest Control services in Rajouri Garden
Pest Control services in Tilak Nagar
Pest Control services in Janakpuri
Pest Control services in Paschim Vihar

Unknown said...

burberry outlet
light up shoes
cheap jordans
michael kors outlet
cartier jewelry
cheap jordans
clippers jerseys
coach outlet
chelsea jersey
ubiq shoes

Alex daina said...

Record of loan repayment has turned into a factor in deciding a man's advance endorsement. Business has not been benevolent to them car title loans chicago

Coqicoqi said...

Red Bottom Shoes
Jordan 11
Jordan 11 For Sale
Jordan 4
Pandora Jewelry
Pandora Jewelry Official Site
Jordan 11
Air Jordan 4 Retro
Jordan Retro 11

Hualala said...

Kyrie Shoes
Nike Air Max 270
Jordan Retro 11
Adidas Yeezy
Nike Air Max 270
Air Jordan
Pandora Jewelry Official Site
Air Jordan Retro 9
Jordan 11
Jordan Retro 11