The best conversation I have had in recent weeks was about St Hugh of Lincoln. Did you know: St Hugh of Lincoln BIT OFF chunks of St Mary Magdalene's arm in Normandy to bring them back to Lincoln? Impressive. He got his comeuppance, however, because his own head was subsequently stolen. As ye reap (arm bits), so shall (thine head) be reaped.
"The head of St Hugh of Lincoln was stolen in 1364 and later discarded in a field where it was guarded by a raven until it was recognised." (The Corpse, A History, Christine Quigley)
E: So many questions. Like, how LONG was the raven guarding it?
F: "Guarding" my ass. The raven was totally eating his eyes and tongue.
E: "Oh! Hi! Yeah. I was just, like, guarding him? Because some OTHER bird was eating his eyes."
F: "I was totally guarding him FROM that other bird. See how the other bird is gone now? That's because of my guarding."
E: "What, this, on my beak? No, that isn't viscera. It's .. this special plant that LOOKS like human tissue? Yeah, crazy!"
F: Every time I see a raven now I'm going to check if he's guarding some saint's head.
I am horribly behind on Yorkshire Vet recounting, so in advance of tonight's, here, verbatim, are my notes from the previous episode which was basically "Carry On Up the Alpaca" (aw, man, someone at my Dutch class asked for my blog address today and they'll be greeted with Gross Saint Stuff then Full Yorkshire Filth):
More alpaca sex
Nike "he couldn't get in"
"Really long but very thin... like wiggly worms" alpaca penis, I mean, you probably guessed
"I can get my little finger in now, that should do it." (Julian breaching alpaca hymen)
BABY GOATS OH GODBABYGOATS
Charlie The Pygmy
Mike the goat man
"All vets love a good abscess"
And here is the week before, which was mainly about Julian violating a ram with the electro-ejaculator (deeply disturbing), but which nevertheless produced the following lines worthy of some kind of veterinary Alan Bennett play:
Oscar the ram electro ejaculator facial expression deep woe
"Put a bit of Mr Sheen on there it'll be like one of them air hockey things." I have NO idea what this related to and putting the quote into Google has not helped, surprisingly.
"Bored and mildly disgusted" - I think this might have been my son's commentary on the episode.
"Quite a deep cow"
"That goes in the bucket"
"No! That goes in your HORSE!"
This last dialogue fragment relating to a new horse stomach emptying, erm, tube thing.
I made cinnamon buns yesterday and they were bloody lovely and not that hard so you can anticipate having to get me removed from the house by a crane sometime next year (not you personally. I imagine that task will fall to my family who do not like cinnamon. I made chocolate chip buns for them instead which were utterly inferior).
In Dutch class today we watched a short film about SLECHTVALKS! Slechtvalks eating duiven (pigeons)! They can only eat drie per week! Imagine my excitement. I tried to explain my sophisticated and esoteric Dutch bird vocabulary to the bloke next to me but he just looked at me as if I were slightly weird and pathetic which is obviously not at ALL the case.
I had to write a listing this week about a play in which Damian Lewis has a sexual relationship with a goat.
It is mine on Saturday, I am particularly underwhelmed about it, due to my general uselessness/unfitness for purpose. I asked L to draw me a picture of "either an owl or a pangolin" for my present, but he has just come over to offer me "an owl EATING a pangolin". Maybe this should be added to my coat of arms (capybara rampant, fat pony passant, Yorkshire Gold banner, Owl in a box crest, scroll text "dans ton cul")?
30% Perpetually fucking ill
30% Perpetually fucking useless
30% Removing Hillary repeatedly from the table
10% Other people's revision trauma
You? Percentages? What would feature on your goat of arms (that was accidental, but I'm going with it)?