Friday, 7 October 2016


What I find is really excellent is to write a long, impassioned piece about your great love of blogging and your determination not to give up on this precious, endangered medium and then to just give the fuck up for weeks on end.


Some things that have happened:

1. My neck gave up.  

I did not know this was how the ageing process went. One minute I had the more or less serviceable neck of a woman in early middle age, the next I had the sagging wattle of a geriatric domestic fowl. Sic transit etc. I wonder if 41 years of functional dehydration have finally caught up with me? I'm not drinking more water even if that IS the case. Rather, I am taking it as a sign that I can settle into proper middle aged drinking (= stiff gin every evening), continue to dress like a dog breeder and shout at young people on the tram. I might as well embrace it.

2. I went relic hunting with my internet friend F in Paris.

(No, we did not rob Kim Kardashian)

Oh GOD, we had such fun. We saw: many femurs, innumerable fragments of the true cross, a fragment of Christ's umbilical cord, St Innocent's teeth, a reliquary in the shape of a foot (whether it contained a foot was uncertain), 2 whole incorrupt saints (wax coated) and some parts of St Helena all trussed up like a parma ham.


We missed out on the incorrupt heart of St Vincent de Paul (chapel too busy with pilgrims) and, in Yorkshire, the hand of St Margaret Clitherow (we went to Yorkshire too), but there is always next time. We'll Always Have Relics. A friend who shares your love of shrivelled saint digits is a precious thing indeed.

The woman cleaning our Airbnb was obsessed with telling me about a previous guest who had left an apple behind the front door. This was apparently the most depraved thing she had ever seen. "A whole apple. Not a core. I rang my boss and I told him, 'I hope you're sitting down', then I told him the whole story." It was very puzzling. I hope we did not leave any accidental fruit behind.

Also on a produce theme, Paris seemed to be obsessed with municipal plantings of kale and chard. What is that all about?

This, whilst not a relic, also pleased me:

Definitely if I were choosing a shop sign for my bun shop it would be one featuring my massive hand buboe.

I am now missing Paris and North Yorkshire with equal fervour, which is puzzling and difficult. Also, I am doing that obnoxious thing where you get home after a reasonably extended absence and people have moved things and done things and you bustle around tutting and narrowing your eyes, in the manner of a dog territorially pissing on a lamppost. I hate myself for it, but apparently cannot stop.

3. I have updated the reading page for September.

Not the most memorable month, much soporific Icelandic crime.

4. The St Gilles penis

Followed by the St Catherine arsehole. Ah, Belgium.

5. I got chatted up at the station.

By a (strange, elderly, probably mad) man who said "do you have lots of brothers, because you have very masculine taste." For some reason (#thepatriarchy) I found this absurdly flattering.

6. Accidentally attended Richard III's birthday celebrations at Middleham Castle. 

Man, those people are crazy. A lot of them were wearing Richard III sweatshirts and they had scattered white roses all over the castle and were standing around being vehement about his innocence and general good chap-itude. There was Richard III cheese and a weary looking dog wearing Richard III's coat of arms.

7. Dutch class blues

I was forced to go up a level and now I don't really understand anything and am desperately scrabbling to catch up after missing two classes due to my relics jolly. Also, the new teacher thinks Brexit is hilarious, which is getting a bit old, and we are learning the conditional tense through the medium of sport, which is unspeakably sordid. The class is in a new building which is further away and has no functioning drinks machine and I am generally not bathed in positive feelings about the whole endeavour, but too listless and inert to do anything about it. However, I do have an excellent new Dutch word: rompslomp, meaning hassle.


20% Shaping up for double pizza today, like the disgusting beast I am.
20% Must pitch. Have been asked to pitch. Have no ideas. Head like an empty Greggs bag, with only a few crumbs of puff pastry inside, rolling uselessly down the street.
20% Too much good TV to watch. Ru Paul! Transparent! Bake Off! Hunted! Other stuff!
20% Surly administrative avoidance - screw you, inbox.
20% Wondering if I could get a fragrance that would be "Betty's York, 9am, c.1987"



Crazy Mom! said...

Brussels is truly batshit crazy. The graffiti is hilarious.

Glad you're back

Anonymous said...

Oh transparent is SO good! Welcome back

Anonymous said...

I love a good relic. When I did the 11+, approximately 1,000 years ago, some of the other children were practically rattling they had so many holy medals and relics pinned to the inside of their clothes. Didn't do them much good unfortunately.

Unknown said...

Goldens always look like that, unless they are panting, when they look like they are smiling.
Romslomp - wonderful.
Loved the piece on blogging, I agree podcasts have replaced blogs to a degree. Also - newsletters, so many great ones done by very smart women.

Patience_Crabstick said...

I'm glad you're back!
I should read some Icelandic literature. I think I would really like to move to Iceland. My husband isn't really into this idea though. But if I can get him into one of the pools, he will understand.

CJ said...

Wish someone would ask me to pitch. Sigh. Of course I would have no ideas either, so it's just as well they don't. The relics are quite horrific. It's a whole other world I didn't know existed. I very much like the idea of pizza. Thank you for the inspiration, glad I stopped by.

Flora Fauna Dinner said...

Municikale makes me so happy!

Anonymous said...

..spent the whole time hoping for you to come back. Feeling neglected and forgotten.
Now glad to see that you're backe and feeling much more confident about the future.

cruella said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dear Waffle, what I find totally excellent is to be able to read your lovely article and be glad that you don't intend to stop blogging because that would be a sad day for people like me, who get an inordinate amount of pleasure from your well-turned phrases and wry outlook on life. Somehow you always make me laugh and brighten my mood.
People should pay you to go visit cities and report back on their relics and cakes, I would totally back a website/ book devoted to that sort of thing! Someone cleverer than me could probably come up with a brilliant name based on relish/relic/cake or something. You would inspire a whole new trend in tourism and bring back relic worship in a Europe that is sorely needed of this sort of thing (or something). The weirder the relic, the better!

Clare said...

Waffle, I am so glad you are back. And your article on blogging was delightful. I was late to the blog lurking party, but really enjoy yours, courtesy of the reciperifle that was. I must confess I then binge read your blog (work was quiet at the time). However, the interesting upshot was, when I read your book (yes, I bought it), the happy ending was a genuine (and lovely) surprise. Anyway, you fiend, thanks to your article I am now stalkily reading back issues of Miss Underscore. Just as well I have nothing to achieve at present...

Louise said...

O goody you're back..thought you'd gone permanently awol....

Waffle said...

Oh Clare, thank you! I am not at all sorry about turning you onto Miss U who is an excellent use of your time.

Anon - If there is a market for this quite specialist travel journalism, I have finally found my calling.

Cathie said...

Loved your piece on blogging but not as much as I LOVE your blog. Re neck issues, I have been tackling my own 40 something turkey neck with NIOD's Neck Elasticity Catalyst - shit name (but not as bad as the superoxide dismutase saccharide mist or the Sanskrit saponins by the same company) but actually v pleased with results (available from Victoria Health). X

Sonia said...

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ghada said...

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ghada said...

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ghada said...

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ghada said...

شركة المتحدة
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may phat dien said...

Thanks for your post! I hope you will continue to make similar posts like this! It is really necessary for those who want to learn about them!

Unknown said...

جولد ميدال

شركات نقل العفش بمكة
افضل شركه نقل اثاث بمكه
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شركة نقل اثاث بمكة
نقل اثاث بمكة
نقل اثاث فى مكة
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نقل عفش فى مكة

Sandra Katie said...

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 4 years. We have a son that just turned 4. We got together and married young, I am 33 and he is 40. Over the years we have had many issues, including infidelity, a 6 month separation, and he said to me he wanted to get a divorce many times. I don’t necessarily have an issue getting over the past, it is his continued present behavior that keeps me wondering if he will ever change, ever mature, or be the husband and father I need him to be. he filed for divorce August 2014, but i refused to sign the papers coz i love him so much. I allowed the case to be dismissed, maybe to see if he will ever change. I have so many doubts and I am not sure which way to turn. I can not invest 100% into this marriage because I was so afraid to be disappointed all over again. I am afraid he has be cheating on me, I love him, but there are definitely no romantic feelings toward him, the feelings that made me fall in love with him in the first place. I felt so comfortable with him in my life, he makes me laugh, he’s playful, caring and attentive, on the other hand he has an anger problem, is negative, can be immature most of the time, argues with me constantly, and I don’t trust him. coz he use to cheat on me, i love my husband so much and also i want to save my marriage from divorce. so i cry to a friend of my, who told me to warp my tears, that there is a solution to my problem. so she introduce to me Dr happy a real spell caster that help to fight, stop marriage divorce and relationship problem also get ex back. so i give him a try and with-in 2day my problem with my husband was solve and ok, me and my husband and family and happily living great all thank to Dr happy you can reach him on or still call and Whats-pp him on +2348133873774 about his service and web site: Thanks Sandra Katie from Usa California

Anonymous said...

I never use to believe in spell casting until i met dr adodoghie a powerful spell caster who helped me to be a happy person again. My name is Doris ben, i reside in USA. After 4 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids. I felt like my life was about to end and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a Great spell caster called Dr adodoghie which i met online on one faithful day when I was browsing through the internet, i came across a lot of testimonies about this particular Great spell caster how he has helped so many people. He has helped people to bring back their Ex lover and cure so many disease, some testified that he restores womb, cure cancer and other sickness, and so on. I also came across a testimony, it was about a woman called Rumi, she testified about how his spell made her to be pregnant after so many years of bareness and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr adodoghie's email address. After reading all these, i decided to give it a try and i contacted him and explained my problem to him and he assured me that in less than 48 hours, my husband will call me and beg for forgiveness but i thought it will not work. When he had finished casting the spell, the next day my husband called me and he was begging for forgiveness just as Doctor Iyuku said. After the spell has been cast, i realized that my husband love me like never before and the spell caster opened him up to know how much i love him and how much love we need to share. We are even happier now than before. Dr adodoghie is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and a genuine spell caster to solve all your problems contact Dr adodoghie now through his mail: He will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Dr adodoghie for your good deeds

Unknown said...

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Some time things you don’t believe can just happen.
My name is Mr Phillip from canada am 52 years old i got married
at the age of 36 i have only one child and i was living happily .After sixteen
year of my marriage my wife behavior became so strange and i don’t
really understand what was going on, she packed out of the house to another
man i love her so much that i never dream of losing her, i try my
possible best to make sure that my wife get back to me but all to no
avail i cry and i cry seeking for help i discussed it with my best friend
and he promise to help me of a SPIRITUAL SPELL CASTER called dr Fulfilment,he
is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing
concerning love issues he cannot do that is why they call him the great
fulfilment And i told him everything that
happen all he told me is that i should not worry that all my problems will
be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my wife back and i
did, he said after 3 days my wife will come back to me and start
begging, it really happen i was very surprise and very, very happy our
relationship is very tight and we both live happily again.
So my friends if you have any issues and you need the help of a real spell
caster please try to contact this same email address (
1. Getting your lover or husband back
2. Spiritual bulletproof
3. Training
4. Money spell
5. Long life spell
6. Prosperity spell
7. Protection spell
8. Get a job spell
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10. Get a huge loan without paying any fee spell
11. Getting your scam money back
12. Child spell
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14. Freedom spell
15. Love spell
16, vanishing spell
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18. Success or pass spell
19. Marriage spell
20. Avenging spell
21. Popularity spell
22. Cancer spell

Jessica Luis said...

Hey,I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored & my husband is back after he left me and our 2 kids for another woman. After 8 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Mohammed can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr Mohammed. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Mohammed real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: , you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348134493948

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