Tuesday, 18 October 2016



I have made L change my Twitter password for a month. I have been feeling for a while as if I am a total, grotesque, failure at everything - writing, pitching, parenting, admin, sistering, friending, all the things and I thought that perhaps social media was not helping with these feelingzez. Also, I feel like it might be salutary to remember what the inside of my head was like before I had a constant stream of inadequacy feeling triggers, amusing animal videos, endlessly repeated news, self-promotion, minor irritations, major irritations and sponsored posts for Belgian consultancy "tools" (tools is right) in front of my eyes. I don't necessarily think it was better before, but I feel so dim and woolly-headed, something had to change and this was all I could think of.

The rules: I am not replacing it with Facebook because (a) I loathe Facebook and (b) I don't actually remember my password but I am not trying to quit Instagram because I love pictures of other people's dinner and I can't actually waste anywhere near as much time on there, as far as I can elicit.
L has probably already lost and/or forgotten the password he put in. I am definitely too proud to beg him for it before my month is up. I think. I suppose I will find out.

Possibly this may mean more posting here, of a trivial sort. Let us see. I will update you periodically on my feelings on this Twitterless world, because I am emotionally incontinent and apparently think you will find this interesting, based on no evidence whatsoever.



Nope (and no to your unnecessary italics). 


Very much no.


F: This is my idea of a great restaurant. It makes Yorkshire pubs look positively American.

E: I would like approximately 89% of my interactions to be conducted in this admirable, humane fashion.



My magnesium has arrived! Jesus, it tastes bad. I have to psych myself up for an hour before I can take it, and I have to have a glass of something else to hand to take the taste away instantly. Surely anything that tastes this disgusting must be doing me good. I have been taking it for a week so far and I would say my mood post-magnesium has been set at: light fatalism. A sort of shrug, really, possibly accompanied by a light puffing out of the cheeks. I will take this: it is better than gnawing self-loathing or paralysing anxiety. My joints still hurt, I think I need some other snake oil for them.

Bizarre Scenes on Minchinhampton Common

I would probably have posted this link, sent to me by regular correspondent Alan, on Twitter, so here it is for you instead. I suppose I shouldn't approve, but it does sound fun. The Nissan Micra is a nice touch.


Of course one must not talk of one's teenager offspring. Of course. I fully subscribe to that. They have it hard enough with their cyberbullying and porn addictions and future of bottomless debt and ecological catastrophe without their parents talking about them on the Internet. But let me just express a, what, a wistfulness, perhaps? that one cannot. One's real life friends are pretty sick of the topic. I suppose this is what Mumsnet is for, but I just can't. There's nothing terrible happening, by the way, just the usual constant sense that I am doing it all wrong.

Things that make me feel bad currently: 

- Reading about Zadie Smith in all her exquisite brilliance.
- Forgetting to buy printer cartridges for the 80000th time.
- Getting an irregular imperfect wrong in Dutch class and being corrected UGH THE BURNING SHAME RELIVE IT RELIVE IT ALL NIGHT LIEP LIEP LIEP.
- That stultifying feeling I  get when I go out for a walk and it's always the same sodding streets and the same slightly mad small man walking around at the same time but in the opposite direction as me, making me wonder if I look as crazed as he does.
- Leaving the washing wet in the machine until it gets mildewy and gross.
- The woman who moved in disgust when I ate my lunch sitting next to her on the train recently, who looked like the kind of hippy who wouldn't care about that, which made it worse.
- Not knowing what to get my dad for his birthday.
- Being overly, unhealthily, invested in my children's academic results.
- Having dirty fingernails
- Realising the Roomba has been stuck under the sofa for 2 months and anthropomorphising it to such a degree I get quite tearful.
- Obviously also the world, etc. but I do not feel personally responsible for that, quite so much.

Things that make me feel good currently:

- The mere existence of Vanilla Ice on Ice.
- The Yorkshire Vet (tonight!)
- Having enough paper handkerchiefs and envelopes and stamps in the house.
- Crows and chickens facing off in the back yard.
- Small, undemanding tasks.
- Making scones.
- Watching the dog sleep.
- Oh hai

- Magnesium???

A picture

Here is the dog asleep with the Measles in his mouth. The Measles is repulsive and the bin is in shot which makes this picture unsuitable for Instagram, so you can have it, lucky you.

35% Yorkshire Gold
30% Mild Gloom
20% Passive Saxophone
14,99% Self-harm via the Dominique Ansel London Instagram feed
0,01% Magnesium



Alison said...

Vanilla Ice is only on for 30 minutes at a time though, which is a shame.

Stacy said...

I simply cannot get enough pictures of sleeping dogs, particularly with toys. Mostly because I simply cannot summon the energy to go grade the rest of these awful midterms.

Crazy Mom! said...

I want an Owl Religieuse from that bakery.

I promise not to temp cows from my car.

Murphy said...

I recommend B complex vitamins to help with anxiety. No weird herbs, just the B vitamins.
Also, your loyal fans think you are a wonderful person and very successful as well!

Alan said...

My wife tells me that "regular correspondent" is only two steps away from internet stalker, should I, or you, be worried?

Raye S. said...

As a mostly silent lurker; I feel I must comment in some sort of protest at being tantalized with HALF of a drool inducing recipe photo!
I have nothing but random guilt via this comment to make you share the other half of the photo, because I shall be dreaming all afternoon about just what to do with that list of amazing ingredients until I find solace in the correct amount of stirring, chopping and cook time that is involved in such a fattening and delicious meal.

connie kennedy said...

For your anxiety? I recommend Prozac!

Waffle said...

Raye - Seriously? You think this sounds good, with its unholy whipped cream/veal/mango/kiwi/GARLIC/tomato/banana??? Email me and I'll send you the other half. If it were down to me it would read: "Keep these ingredients are far away from each other as possible. Never cook anything again, please."

Sally said...

I'm exactly the same - currently a turmoil of anxiety and worries.

Our lambs are now being sent away to the local Mart for sale and slaughter. This includes Jack - one of this year's pet lambs - who instead of rushing AWAY from us onto the trailer, distressingly tries to rush BACK to me as if he's saying "Mum, save me!". I had to walk off snivelling quietly and read Jane Austen for a while in front of the fire until I felt less guilty and appalling. Farmer husband shouts after me "I TOLD you not to get attached to them!" Oh dear.

And being freelance, and rather tubby, and 42 years of age, and skint, and constantly tired, and not doing any fucking exercise, brings lots and lots of anxiety and general paranoia. So I sit in the house and read obsessively - escapism is always the best - until I have to go and make dinner for lots of shouty children.

So, you're not alone! But on a happier note - Candy the amazingly fat Shetland pony is growing the HAIRIEST coat in the world. And soon I will be stabling her at night, so can have smelly fluffy Shetland cuddles, which are always the best.

Much love xxxxx

Anonymous said...

You need to try the raspberry lemon flavor magnesium!


I don't know if it works either but at least it doesn't taste bad

mira said...

fuck, now I am miserable about jack the lamb ......

Dale said...

I find you very successful at telling the truth, complete with warts, wrinkles, and dodgy recipes. That is all, and it's all I need, really.

Anonymous said...

Poor Sally, that sounds rough! Poor little lamb! :(
Waffle, that recipe is properly ludicrous, where on earth did you find it? I'm literally trying to fathom a possible outcome for it but my mind fails me. I may have permanently lost my appetite (obviously not; if i'm entirely honest I devoured half a packet of biscuits this morning rewarding myself for meeting 6 or 7 deadlines one after another. This is not good. That's at least two good dance classes down the drain).
Nobody has any idea if they're doing anything right, I think. We're probably all fine, though, in the grand scheme of things. I too obsess about my offspring's academic performance, I think it's a given when you've been a swot all your life. I still haven't learned to back off and let her get on with it but I know I should. She takes a much more relaxed attitude to everything, which is probably infinitely healthier than my single-minded quest for top grades as a teenager. My husband has been nagging at me for ages to sort out parental controls for my kid's mobile and limit the time she spends on it so she doesn't go full screenager but I keep putting it off, taking it off her sometimes when she is rude (or to be perfectly honest, when I'm in a bad mood) and otherwise more or less letting her get on with all those zoella videos and other youtuber pranking nonsense. I draw the line at having it on the table when doing homework and she's not allowed take it to bed with her because of sleep being so essential and all that. She's also not allowed to use it at school for any reason so I figure that's already half the day screenless. I think the most important thing for surviving adolescence is to remain intact (as parents, trying to keep a balanced outlook and not obsess too much about grades etc) and hope that they'll come out intact on the other side as well with no very lasting grudges against us. However, as experience has shown me, sometimes things just fall apart for a while and there is very little you can do to avoid that or fix it, aside from being patient, giving lots of hugs and repeating to yourself that all will be well eventually. Sometimes even talking doesn't help that much.
God, I'm rambling. That's enough for now...

frau antje said...

35% Um, Sauza, I think.
30% Mild 'something' that there must be a Native American word for, this is how Pocahontas must have felt, before she contracted some fatal white man's disease. Can't rule out hallucinogenics either.
20% Leaf blower, because Calvin would not like rain stopping the earth-shuddering demo work, without a suitable replacement.
14.9% Obsessed with Alicia Florrick's nascent wrinkles, this is horrid of me. I HATE MYSELF. And yes, I know Diana Nyad feels it doesn't matter, but hello, she also thinks repeatedly swimming through a hundred miles of shark-infested ocean is cool.
.01% Ability to see the point of many things I am banging my head against (spoilt for choice) (what I need is to be stripped of all unnecessary distractions).

Anonymous said...

For all of us afflicted by anxiety, this video of a hamster eating jelly is very soothing:
Waffle, you can look at it on your browser without going on the actual Twitter itself, I believe!

I have no idea about magnesium but I might try taking some to see if it makes it any easier to get up out of my chair, because that's getting increasingly hard, my legs just don't seem to respond until I've hobbled around a bit until they eventually get the memo that they're supposed to, you know, walk...

cruella said...

I am very interested in your self-imposed Twitter fast because I feel *exactly* the same about Facebook (which I do not loath but LOVE, there it is - I've chiselled and shaped it for nine long years so it pretty much delivers. Don't do Twitter, thank god). This constant stream of brilliance, fun, frustration, idiotics/politics but above all links to really interesting reading materials - how am I going to keep up without it? Well, it worked like a charm in China for a month in August, that's true.

Stockholm is all gray and yellow. I kind of like the darkest autumn, before the tinsel and revving up for Christmas. Restful.

I've started running again after a severe bout of flu that I brought back from Hong Kong early September. A few wierd symptoms linger. I may check them out, but as long as I'm fit for 10K things can't be that bad, I guess.

Keep posting, nothing cheers me up more than finding a fresh piece of Waffle!

Raye S. said...

Thank you! I guess curiosity killed the cat with me...I just needed to know what to do with those ingredients.

Also, I recommend not using hot water for magnesium powder, somehow it's more palatable when not piping hot (and the flavor that also has calcium isn't bad.).

bbonthebrink said...

I've just had a terrible thought. What will be the impact of Brexit on M&S's presence in Belgium and France and other European countries? Waaaaaagh!

Sophie said...

Ooooh ooh I live just next to Minchinhampton Common and clearly I was on holiday, dammit, when irresponsible pensioners were tormenting the beeves. I must say the beeves are perfectly capable of looking after themselves; one over-protective cow took a good couple of butts with her horns this morning at my poor, innocent dog, who had no interest in her offspring and was happily eating cowpats. I squeaked, hoping no-one could hear me, especially as I have lived here all my life (on and off), and should by now be Nonchalant With Cows.

The Measles looks delightful, with attached Idiot. We have Ralph, a small balding square of vetbed, who was beloved of previous dog and ignored by current. We took Ralph on holiday to Brittany with us, draped over the back seat so he could see (we did also bring current dog). Even my husband gets tearful about Ralph's drop in status ...

I too am traumatised by the half recipe. Curry? Cream? Bananas? Sounds like my in-laws' fabled 'German Salad' which apparently contains frankfurters, bananas and mayonnaise amongst other ingredients.

Sarah said...

Ooh, I live near AllyPally. I could spare 30 mins of my life for what looks like a memorable musical event 😉

Jacqui Fenner-Dixon said...

Thanks for the final shot. I'm now yearning for pretentious cakes!

Anna Maria said...

Ah, that's why you have not been tweeting. I should do the same - I heard of a special software called Antisocial, which forcibly stops you from checking your social media. Mind you, husband, who works in IT, said I already had such 'software' - it is called self-discipline, and I should just use it more often.
I have to say, I am the opposite re. M&S novelty items - I pounce on them straight away, and usually love them. I bought the prosecco crisps last year, and will do again. This week, I bought the 5-grain crumpets, which I am loving with homemade crabapple jelly, and the croissant loaf, also delicious.
I am hoping to be in London this week, and will try to score the owl pastry - I read there is a giant queue. Will report if the case

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