I have made L change my Twitter password for a month. I have been feeling for a while as if I am a total, grotesque, failure at everything - writing, pitching, parenting, admin, sistering, friending, all the things and I thought that perhaps social media was not helping with these feelingzez. Also, I feel like it might be salutary to remember what the inside of my head was like before I had a constant stream of inadequacy feeling triggers, amusing animal videos, endlessly repeated news, self-promotion, minor irritations, major irritations and sponsored posts for Belgian consultancy "tools" (tools is right) in front of my eyes. I don't necessarily think it was better before, but I feel so dim and woolly-headed, something had to change and this was all I could think of.
The rules: I am not replacing it with Facebook because (a) I loathe Facebook and (b) I don't actually remember my password but I am not trying to quit Instagram because I love pictures of other people's dinner and I can't actually waste anywhere near as much time on there, as far as I can elicit.
L has probably already lost and/or forgotten the password he put in. I am definitely too proud to beg him for it before my month is up. I think. I suppose I will find out.
Possibly this may mean more posting here, of a trivial sort. Let us see. I will update you periodically on my feelings on this Twitterless world, because I am emotionally incontinent and apparently think you will find this interesting, based on no evidence whatsoever.
Nope (and no to your unnecessary italics).
Very much no.
F: This is my idea of a great restaurant. It makes Yorkshire pubs look positively American.
E: I would like approximately 89% of my interactions to be conducted in this admirable, humane fashion.
F: I KNOW RIGHT.
My magnesium has arrived! Jesus, it tastes bad. I have to psych myself up for an hour before I can take it, and I have to have a glass of something else to hand to take the taste away instantly. Surely anything that tastes this disgusting must be doing me good. I have been taking it for a week so far and I would say my mood post-magnesium has been set at: light fatalism. A sort of shrug, really, possibly accompanied by a light puffing out of the cheeks. I will take this: it is better than gnawing self-loathing or paralysing anxiety. My joints still hurt, I think I need some other snake oil for them.
Bizarre Scenes on Minchinhampton Common
I would probably have posted this link, sent to me by regular correspondent Alan, on Twitter, so here it is for you instead. I suppose I shouldn't approve, but it does sound fun. The Nissan Micra is a nice touch.
Of course one must not talk of one's teenager offspring. Of course. I fully subscribe to that. They have it hard enough with their cyberbullying and porn addictions and future of bottomless debt and ecological catastrophe without their parents talking about them on the Internet. But let me just express a, what, a wistfulness, perhaps? that one cannot. One's real life friends are pretty sick of the topic. I suppose this is what Mumsnet is for, but I just can't. There's nothing terrible happening, by the way, just the usual constant sense that I am doing it all wrong.
Things that make me feel bad currently:
- Reading about Zadie Smith in all her exquisite brilliance.
- Forgetting to buy printer cartridges for the 80000th time.
- Getting an irregular imperfect wrong in Dutch class and being corrected UGH THE BURNING SHAME RELIVE IT RELIVE IT ALL NIGHT LIEP LIEP LIEP.
- That stultifying feeling I get when I go out for a walk and it's always the same sodding streets and the same slightly mad small man walking around at the same time but in the opposite direction as me, making me wonder if I look as crazed as he does.
- Leaving the washing wet in the machine until it gets mildewy and gross.
- The woman who moved in disgust when I ate my lunch sitting next to her on the train recently, who looked like the kind of hippy who wouldn't care about that, which made it worse.
- Not knowing what to get my dad for his birthday.
- Being overly, unhealthily, invested in my children's academic results.
- Having dirty fingernails
- Realising the Roomba has been stuck under the sofa for 2 months and anthropomorphising it to such a degree I get quite tearful.
- Obviously also the world, etc. but I do not feel personally responsible for that, quite so much.
Things that make me feel good currently:
- The mere existence of Vanilla Ice on Ice.
- The Yorkshire Vet (tonight!)
- Having enough paper handkerchiefs and envelopes and stamps in the house.
- Crows and chickens facing off in the back yard.
- Small, undemanding tasks.
- Making scones.
- Watching the dog sleep.
- Oh hai
Here is the dog asleep with the Measles in his mouth. The Measles is repulsive and the bin is in shot which makes this picture unsuitable for Instagram, so you can have it, lucky you.
35% Yorkshire Gold
30% Mild Gloom
20% Passive Saxophone
14,99% Self-harm via the Dominique Ansel London Instagram feed