Friday, 9 September 2016

Back in jug agane

OK, this is it, I've cleared the post-rentrée decks* of rolls of self-adhesive film, defective home banking devices, moulting hens, translations about architecture, listing writing for exhibitions about Albanian identity politics, demands from the VAT authorities, demands for €7,83 for "photocopies" and a special A4+ notebook, demands for half the inventory of H and M (why does Blogger hate the ampersand so?), demands that I pull my trousers up, etc etc etc.

*** pause while I deal with another wave of work. It's work whack-a-mole around here this week***

Ok, quick, before anyone else tries to make me do anything. I will write down some stuff here, then I will go and do my reading list for July-August, because it is grossly overdue.

(*I've actually done more shoving under the carpet than deck clearing and I haven't covered a single damn thing in self-adhesive film yet but no matter, let us proceed.)

1. An illness, like chickens

Thank you so much, firstly, for your thoughtful and extensive comments on the death or otherwise of personal blogging which were in and of themselves proof of why it's worth continuing. I have written my piece and could easily have written twice as much, I seem to have many thoughts on the subject, none of them very articulate. Like, is there actually a 'community' now? There are certainly people whose lives I feel I have followed online for years, but it's quite a passive process now, since I very rarely comment or link, so I suppose I just hope they intuit I am reading (this is the kind of thing that gets me into trouble in RL relationships constantly)? I mean, I know I wouldn't bother writing a diary, so obviously there's something necessarily interactive about it and I do love comments, I do, I do, so what I suppose I am saying is I should go and comment on other blogs more. Also, I kept wondering if all blogs have a life cycle and whether you just wear yourself out eventually listening to yourself talk about the same old shit and if, having worn yourself out, you then reach some point of zen acceptance with your churning out of the same old shit? I have no answers, but I have had some very satisfying and funny conversations about it all with Jane, who concluded "it's a illness, like chickens".

2. Menagerie

Speaking of chickens, all my animals are on mysteriously good form. It won't last.

- A few hours ago I threw some roast potatoes for the chickens (actually one accidentally hit a chicken, which surprised it and wrongly pleased me) and since then the ouipette has been trying, desperately, to get his head under the chicken fence to reach the potatoes, which has been enjoyable and ridiculous.

- I bought the chickens an "anti-boredom, anti-pecking seed block" on our holiday visit to the Domestic Fowl Trust (yep, we know how to party on holiday, pure hedonism), because they were looking lank and threadbare and I had already treated them with a profusion of mite sprays. It has had mixed results. They view it with terror and intense suspicion, which although I imagine not the intended result, does at least perhaps alleviate their boredom. The neighbourhood crows, however, know exactly what it is for and have been trying to get at it for days. Though bold, they are quite scared of the chickens, so they have embarked upon a long game of avian grandmother's footsteps, which I am greatly enjoying.

- The tortoises keep deciding to sleep in the hen house, god knows how they get up that ramp.

- Also, there is one under the table right now, because as soon as I leave the door open, in they come to try and eat dog food.

- The hens have decided they enjoy eating fuschia flowers and do this ridiculous little ungainly hen jump to try and reach them. I could watch this for hours.

3. Ligger

Inevitably, I became very fat during the holidays, because there is not enough hill in Yorkshire to work off all the crumpets, gin, Tunnocks Teacakes, and cheese and onion crisps I consume in a fortnight, not to mention the obligatory visit to the buttery fleshpots of the Wensleydale Heifer. The remedy to the fatness is as boring as it usually is, and we have vowed to forswear alcohol and puddings as usual and all is misery and chaff. HOWEVER, I have noticed that what happens when I agree to give up alcohol is that I just accept all the random invitations to PR events I get, in order to drink other people's alcohol, which apparently doesn't count. You are launching a new range of door handles? An insurance policy for dogs? A new networking club for young professionals in financial services? Marvellous! I will attend! Thankfully I don't get invited to many PR events, but I have been drinking budget prosecco out of plastic flutes in the last couple of weeks like it is going out of fashion (which of course it already has).

As a result of extensive grape-based research into new openings, Team #Belgium, I can recommend this new ice cream parlour to you wholeheartedly. It is truly beautiful and delicious and on the site of that really weird ice cream parlour at St Catherine that only opened for 1.5 hours a week and was run by a furious old man who shouted at you if you dithered over your ice cream choice for more than 2 seconds (remember? Ah, good customer service times). I was "paid" several warm cinnamon financiers and three small glasses of champagne to tell you this. Well, I wasn't really, but full disclosure and so on.

4. I am, I'm not, am I? 

My eldest son is now learning English. He is gleeful about this (= good marks for absolutely no work) but we are both very dubious about his English book, a cursory glance over which has revealed: grocer's apostrophes, "potatoe" and the word choice spelled "joice". I probably shouldn't talk about it. I probably won't be able to stop myself.

5. Pokemon No

I am still addicted to Pokemon Go and I disgust myself. L renamed all my Pokemons while I was out of the room a few days ago and now they are called things like "Get in my van", "Derren Brown's mum", "Just a cat" and "Do u lift". He is now so tall he amuses himself by coming into the kitchen and PICKING ME UP, which does not please me one bit. There is not a scrap of dignity left in my life at this point.

6. Simple Hipster

F and I spent ages pointlessly riffing on a magazine which would be called Simple Hipster yesterday ( a reaction to some decidedly non-simple hipster translation I was doing).

page two:
page three:


F: page four
page five

E: I would purchase this magazine. There would be a goat of the month. Captioned: GOOD GOAT. Or BIG GOAT.

F: We could interview the goat. Every answer would be BAAAAA.

7. Watch my Holiday Slides

Look at this beautiful photo of Yorkshire.

This is the view from the house and the reason I fantasise more and more insistently about moving there. The little specks are just-fledged housemartens whose nest was attached to L's bedroom. Obviously he was not in the slightest bit interested but I watched them, rapt, for hours. They are fucking loud. I have a picture of one peeping out, but it's just a black and white blob, so I'll spare you. The bird situation generally was out of control, so I spent quite a lot of time lurking with binoculars and the bird book trying to identify various warblers and finches, oh how the Wanstead Birder is going to laugh about this.

Here we are very lost up a hill. I think our facial expressions/general demeanour/posture convey this well.

At this point, on or other child had said "this was a stupid idea" at least 300 times. I don't know what they were complaining about, it wasn't even sleeting. It was sort of my fault and sort of the fault of the torrential rain of the preceding day making the river impassable, but I just blamed the river, of course.

I LOVE this one, mainly for the sky (it was horrible, we got lost trying to get off the top of the mountain due to low cloud/pouring rain) and for the dog's look of mute desperation, caught on the hoof. 1 purposeful strider, 1 sulky dawdler, 1 MIA, 1 appalled sighthound.


That will do for now, I am off to write some pithy (=short) book reviews and stare at jumping hens but I WILL RETURN. 


50% insect bites, this has been the worst week of the year for biting insects
20% Hating our new boiler, which I imagine as a sanctimonious sandal wearing type, since it will only dispense a parsimonious dribble of lukewarm water at any given time. 
20% Aching in every joint of my middle aged being. What do I need? Fish oil? Shark cartilage? A transfusion? A shark cartilage transfusion? Tell me your secrets. 
10% Furious I can't get Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on Belgian Netflix. What are you FOR, Belgian Netflix? And why do you keep emailing me about stupid macho films called things like "Man Apart" and "I have a huge gun"? Tsk. 

How are you? How was your summer and are you as thrilled as I am that it is OVER? 


MJ said...

I surprised myself this summer by being gleeful about birds. Our urban backyard usually gets UBBs (Ugly Brown Birds...maybe sparrows? wrens?). But I saw a hummingbird in my garden this summer which delighted me to no end. And, on a long walk along the Lake Huron shoreline, I saw a piping plover which is a species at risk. Alas, I fear that is the end of my birding career.
I adore summer and even don't mind its incessant humidity. It's currently in the high 20s here and feeling much warmer.
I must ask though how do you keep your good humour when your children are saying "this is stupid." I tend to lose my humour rather quickly after the 100th time.

TwoLeggedWoman said...

I have long wondered why UK folk say 'on good form' and we Paddies prefer 'in good form'. No doubt there is a deep-seated anthropological explanation for it. Hope to see you soon for some alcohol imbibing, book-related or not. Sarah

blackbird said...

I HATE the summer but it is very nearly over and I do happen to be at a vacation home.
I'm off to sit in a tube in the bay, but I'd much rather be pulling on a heavy coat on a windy night.

Bryony said...

Oh god... being lifted up by my sons as soon as they were taller than me. The no longer do this. Presumably because they are now so tall they can't see me.....

Jacqui Fenner-Dixon said...

Oh, goody, goody you're back in the saddle again....have missed your wit and humour!

Anonymous said...

Dear Waffle, I am just going to say I'm delighted to see a new post, which I'm going to "save up" to read later on when I finish this interminable translation on obscure agricultural machinery. Really looking forward to your updated reading list as well! This is the momentum I need to get through the next couple of hours! ;)
Meanwhile, praise the lord for back-to-school, quiet UNINTERRUPTED mornings, homework and early bedtimes, A-men!

Anonymous said...

Turmeric is good for those aching joints...

Unknown said...

Good to have you back.
Fish oil comes recommended by my most distinguished and eminent Professir of Rheumatology who is science personified.
Bird life here is mostly North London's horde of escaped parakeets driving everything small and brownish away.

CJ said...

We did the mountain-in-the-pouring rain thing a couple of times. I carried a bear up Snowdon for a photo on the summit in a force 10 gale. Dreaming about moving forever to Snowdonia. Must do it. Eldest son (12) now bigger than me but has yet to attempt picking me up. He said, "Don't worry, you're still older and heavier." Also indulged in some holiday birdwatching. Fortunately eldest son is a bird expert so he points everything out and I just nod and pretend I saw it.

carole said...

I'm so glad to see you back. Finding that you have returned has lessened the blow of being awake, aching all over at 3.05 a.m. I think I will start to re-read your book in the morning. Please, please keep posting, the aches are more bearable now.

foodchik said...

Your hipster magazine is SPOT ON! I love it! And your descriptions of the walks gone awry resonate with me. Somehow, we always make it home, and (mostly) the kids stop complaining agree that it was fun - usually in the last 10 minutes of said walk. BTW, I am often a silent reader too, so know that I am here, just chuckling along, even if I don't post a comment. I love your writing and your sense of humour.

lynn said...

I want to read the hipster magazine, I could even make a few things to show in it!!! And I soooooo long to be in Yorkshire too, best place in the world.

I just love your blog, it makes me laugh, please don't stop writing it :)

frau antje said...

Not sure I want to admit anything from the summer, cleared out some Spring images and I'm not even sure I want to admit that. I can assure you terror and intense suspicion will mitigate boredom though.

Laura Knott said...

Thank dog you're back.

Esme Weatherwax said...

Oh how lovely that you're back!

I'm typing in a tent on a cliff in Cornwall, rain blasting through the cleverly constructed vents (so it doesn't get too hot..ha!) to the soundtrack of flapping pleasestillbeattached bits. Dogs are welded to the heater (we wussed out and went leccy this year) and I'm wearing everything I brought. Including the big lady bikini. I rashly donned it rather optimistically earlier on when a sliver of watery pale yellow broke through the sullen blustering grey. Bracing! Mmmm.

We were cringing against the wind coming back from washing up (my hands were briefly WARM!) pouring utter scorn on anyone who doesn't appreciate this gem on their doorstep. Stick the Caribbean UP YOUR ARSE.

V much loved Oscar's misery and accidental chicken pelting, with schadenfreude thereof..totally in keeping with the grim but ridiculously happy vibe we're rocking in our canvas bastion of Britishness. You can't swing a cat for stiff upper lips in here. Fun. Yes, that's what we're having. Fun.


Reposted as blogger ate it last night. Sometimes it puts it on twice, other times not at all; it's a whole world of virtual social anxiety. Today has been quite exquisite by comparison, remnants of the fabled 'heatwave' percolated through and I nearly swam in the sea...until the undertow gave me the collywobbles and I bricked it..never fuck with a Cornish sea!

Anonymous said...

PSA: When I had chickens, I used to hang a small cabbage on a heavy string from the wire roof of the coop and they loved pecking at it until not much was left. It is more amusing (to humans, but I think not the chickens) if the cabbage is hung just a bit higher than they can easily reach. Half a pumpkin is another option. Chicken exercise 101. Cynthia PS- LOVED your book!

Lauren said...

Normally not much of a commenter, but sometimes needs must, if only for acknowledgement of the sheer "small world-ed-ness" (definitely a phrase) of the fact that if you were at the domestic fowl true you were actually in my tiny, unheard of village of Snitterfield. Very small world indeed!

Waffle said...

Lauren - We DID. Our GPS had conniptions but my dad was insistent we go and I was delighted we did, though very frustrated I couldn't take home several frizzle chicks and an appenzeller.

Lauren said...

I actually won our two chickens at the village fete (peak "Middle England" life goal achieved) from the Domestic Fowl Trust. The chickens were awarded for the best names chosen, and it seems our local vet (the judge) is a dinosaur fan as our winning names were "Veloci" and "Raptor"! Village life!

Waffle said...

Lauren - YOU WON CHICKENS. I have major henvy. Also, I need more info. WHAT KIND. Veloci and Raptor are very good hen names.

Lauren said...

Both hybrids - fluffy black-grey kind with mean eyes and propensity for broodiness, and a reliable brown hen who lays eggs at an impressive rate and consistently resents her broody, lazy companion...

Jonathan Lethbridge said...

You need to come out of the closet. Like start a bird blog or something.

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Am so excited to share my testimony of a real spell caster who brought my husband back to me. My husband and I have been married for about 11yrs now. We were happily married with kids, 5 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids,He packout of the house to live with the woman and i strongly believe that she did some spell on him because even when i beg my husband to come back to me he refuse and went to live with her. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr KALA is capable of solving marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. 48 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr KALA Powerful Love Spell that really works. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. He will not disappoint you. Email DR KALA at: KALALOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM or call and whatsapp him on +2347051705853

Melissa Alvin said...

Am very happy to tell every one to hear my testimony. Am a Lawyer,this is a story of my love life.I have been married for 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 4months until i met a post where this man DR. LUKAS have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self.You can contact him with this email address {LUKASMORALOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM} Thank you DR. LUKAS LUKASMORALOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM

Joy lopes said...

My name is Joy Lopes, I never thought I will smile again, My husband left me with two kids for one year, All effort to bring him back failed I thought I'm not going to see him again not until I met a lady called Jesse who told me about a spell caster called Dr.Miracle, She gave me his email address and mobile number and I contacted him and he assured me that within 48 hours my husband will come back to me, In less than 48 hours my husband came back started begging for forgiveness saying it is the devils work, so I'm still surprise till now about this miracle,i couldn't conceive but as soon as the spell was cast,i became pregnant and gave birth to my third child(Taylor) if you need any assistance from him you can contact him via:Email (MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM),, or you can also contact him through his website miracles,,or call him,,+2348071398555,,,,

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Unknown said...

My name is Elizabeth Romero from UK. I am here to give testimony on how I got my husband back, my husband left me for no reason 6 Month. He moved in with another woman, I felt like killing myself, my life became very bitter and sorrowful. Then 1 day, a friend of mine told me about a great spell caster that is very good and she said that he told her all about her life history and the problem she is facing, i didn't believe it because I've worked with so many of them and it didn't work. She begged me further so I decided to try this great spell caster called Great Dr OCUSODO. I still didn't believe, but inside me i wanted to give a try and as God will have it, i used the spell solution he gave me and the next day I received a call from my darling husband Romero last month. He apologized and came back to me. I'm very happy now with my family it worked for me and i believe it will work for you too just give him a try and follow up this is a clear truth from a testifier. Thank you Dr ODUSODO once again, if you want to reach him via email: or contact number +2348105578036