Tuesday, 19 April 2016

We'll Always Have Percentages: Trying and failing to daily post

Shit, I totally failed at this important promotional daily blogging business: a combination of ill-timed wine, poor scheduling, falling upstairs and scalding my hand with boiling herbal tea (rock 'n' roll) and outbreaks of acute anxiety, usually at 5am, which is a shit excuse because I wouldn't have been blogging at 5am, would I. Actually that may come in useful tomorrow morning when I have to get up at 5 to take L to the coach for his school trip to London, god help us all, his bag contains half his bodyweight in sweets, quite possibly no pyjamas and I have no idea what else.

The GOOD thing is that is totally on brand for a book largely about failure, yes? Sigh. I haven't made any cake yet, because I am scared of making Joconde or anything involving macarons and those are the next steps. I will though, I promise.

The book comes out on Thursday and because I like to focus on the essentials, I am mainly concerned about not knowing what to wear for the launch/event thing in Paris. I mean, it's not a cocktail dress job is it, which is a shame because I have a really good dress that would be perfect.

Me to M (who is coming for moral support/possum in bakery style cake consumption): Will it be all intellectual beard stroking types?

M: I don't think anyone there will have a beard. Or indeed a penis.

E: Oh. No. You're probably right.

I think I am going with North Yorkshire discount outlet mall silk shirt, North Yorkshire discount outlet mall Margaret Howell trousers, because what could be more Inès de la Fressange/Emmanuelle Béart than a haul from a discount outlet mall in North Yorkshire. I will wear my new shoes. I am trying to break them in:


... but then I have to take them off to go and shout at the chickens, which constitutes about 40% of my daily activity (they have a new habit of standing on their water container in such a way that they repeatedly shit into it), so that is not wholly lifestyle compatible. I'll bring emergency trainers. I have a tight schedule of cake purchases to manage.

But if I do wear trousers/shirt, how/where can I wear my lucky gold croissant? So many dilemmas, when I should be probably worrying about getting quizzed on Proust. NB: I borrowed "there'll be no butter in hell" from the helpful comment suggestions on favourite lines in books for their little interview thing, so thanks whoever suggested it. If you're in Paris on Thursday (yeah, I know) and you fancy it, here are the details.

Apart from that it's all been discussing whether a yak is a good under the influence purchase (with M), how to dispose of a horse sized spider (with F) and playing spot the sea monster (with B).

If I don't go to bed now there is no chance whatsoever I'll be doing anything other than crying in a foetal ball tomorrow night, which will put paid to any other posting opportunities.

Percentages:

20% stolen choux outrage (long story)
20% eye strain
20% creeping dread
20% Dutch sentence construction
20% Wishing I'd had my teeth cleaned by softly spoken Jérémie the kind dentist in the last 6 months instead of hiding away until I look like Father Jack.

You?

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

dread don't creep. all shall be well.

Jane Murray Bird said...

I have become marginally obsessed with yaks since ferretlessness. They seem, to me, like a cross between a Highland calf, a Shetland pony and a lovely little shop that makes milk, butter and cardigans.

tigerbaps said...

I'm so excited about launch day! Can't wait to read your book and I'd LOVE to be at the Paris gig, smiling like a loon at your funniness and being all windswept and interesting. And now you've made me crave a croissant and I've none in, damn you! Oh and I love the shoes but those almond shaped toes (I think that's what the fashionista or illuminati or some shit) call that shape would make me crabbit, squeezing my ingrown toenails.

tigerbaps said...

Bloody bracket in wrong place in comment above. Apols.

The Reluctant Launderer said...

Why can't you wear a cocktail dress? Would it be akin to - HORROR - drinking cappuccino in Italy after 11am? I would have thought that as the star of the show you get to wear anything you want. And I can think of nothing better for a book launch in Paris than for the author to turn up, ever-so-slightly pissed (one G&T, for courage) in a fabulous cocktail dress, fantastic shoes, and sporting a croissant pin. (Mind you, I wear flip flops, a maternity dress and a sun visor every day, so I'm possibly not the person for fashion tips.)

Lois said...

I will be coming to see you tomorrow evening, I am very excited! And I definitely think you should wear a cocktail dress and your new beautiful shoes, any excuse. I will wear a cocktail dress too for moral support, which might provoke strange looks at my very conservative French office, but needs must.

JB_Kiwi said...

I would v much like to hear the stolen choux outrage story...

Good luck tomorrow! You will be fabulous - you have fabulous shoes and a lucky croissant, so I think you are sorted!

bbonthebrink said...

Hoping to come and see you on Thursday. I may well bring a beard with me. Not just my own. You'll be fantastic and I can't wait to get my hands on your book. BBx

cruella said...

Ordered your book, sent FB book launch invite to my sister. 100 percent mission accomplished alors.

Anonymous said...

The thing about this event is YOU get to decide the dress code and make all others recoil in horror when they realise it was...Dress: cocktail, after all.

bbonthebrink said...

Anonymous is totally correct about the dress code.

Anonymous said...

Will there be an audiobook too? Can listen at work then....

Sue M. said...

Good luck for Thursday x

ellen kirkendall said...

Put the amazing croissant on a chain, stick it on a Bobby pin in your hair or pin it next to you pants pocket. Don't leave home without it! All will be well and you will be gorgeous.

Anonymous said...

Wear the dress. It's perfect. You're the author and have the right to wear whatever you damn well please.

Ann said...

Have fun and enjoy the cake/booze.

Am saving book buying for the Mrs Trefusis event. Which sounds a bit stalker-y.

Anonymous said...

Whatever you decide to wear will be perfect. You look very poised and polished, exactly like a genuine French lady that has her life all figured out, so be 100% confident about that.
Well done on all these wonderful achievements and events, such exciting times!

Crazy Mom! said...

The croissant can go on your blouse, about 70 mm below your shoulder.

I was inspired to order a hedgehog pin for my own purposes. And a heart. And a chat. (Maow!)

The shoes are lovely. And you look very pretty in the picture!

Buy cakes! Lots of them! I remember buying delicious petits fours at a delightful patisserie next to the Gare du Nord, packed for a trip to London. Yum!!

But don't buy a yak....

Have all fun possible!

Joanna Crawford said...

You will be amazing, can't wait to read it, best of luck for the launch xx

Anonymous said...

hope it goes SUPER WELL! am sure it will. and whether cocktail dress or trousis, you may be sure you will look very soignee and splendid to everyone else, whatever your own doubts. so looking forward to your book...

Waffle said...

Jesus, you're all so lovely and now i'm just in a heap on the floor next to the printer. Thank you. THANK YOU. I will bring, if not wear, the dress. xxxxxxxxxx

(Anon - there is an audio book, will be on Audible, isn't up there yet, I'll put up a link when it is...)

Anonymous said...

Have just had an email to say your book is on its way to me!

Dydo.W said...

Thank you so much for extending the invitation to Paris! If I wasn't in NZ caring for my grumpy old father while my cheerfully bewildered mother is in hospital with a broken hip, ("there's nothing wrong with me, and anyway, where am I?"), I would SO be in Paris, in a cocktail frock and my best 'mother-of-the-groom' shoes.
I also received an email to say your book is on the way, but I'm not at home so I've instructed my mail-collecting-daughter to rip open the package and read it immediately.
Have a wonderful time, everything will be brilliant.