Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Scenes of a veterinary nature

1. Dairy Queen
This afternoon I was sitting working and listening to a tap drip in the kitchen with mild annoyance. After 20 minutes or so I glared across at the tap and saw it was not dripping at all, and when I looked closer I saw that a sea of milk was spreading across the kitchen floor. I had knocked over a badly-closed litre of milk putting something away in the fridge and it had been slowly emptying itself everywhere. I look forward to the smell never going away, despite 2 rolls of kitchen towel and a profusion of healing profanities. This evening, I tripped over and dropped a fresh, plump, wobbling slice of flan all down myself (the fresher it is, the more destruction it causes: a stale flan would just bounce harmlessly). I have of course eaten all remnants, including the ones full of carpet fluff and other floor based detritus, because if I had any self-respect we would surely have discovered it before now.

2. New vocab
First Dutch class for weeks today. Lots of discussion of the anslaagen (attacks), are we bang (scared) etc etc, then a brisk change of gear to more irregular imperfect verbs, then another screeching u-turn to watch a short film about gay teenagers speed dating. Varied.

3. Mild hysteria
Two friends showed me pictures of my book prematurely out in the wild today (here and here) and then my stepmother texted to say they had bought it on Kensington High Street (note: I did give them a copy, they just got over-excited and wanted to mark the occasion). I know this is only of interest to me and my family but YOU ARE MY FAMILY *weeps* *points to 'acknowledgments' section* *hoists trembling Peggy Mitchell bosom*. I won't do this often, I promise.

4. Grim Up North
This evening I got really excited that The Yorkshire Vet, my favourite programme was back and made F watch it with me. In rapid succession:

- A vet made a large hole in a cow ("Julian must be careful not to scare Caroline" went the voiceover which seemed a bit optimistic as he had HIS ENTIRE ARM IN HER INTESTINES at that point), then removed therefrom a piece of rope and a 3 inch nail and identified the fact that there was also a calf in there, which he did not remove.

- A baby emu called Dave had to have its eyelid removed after a dog attack.

- A sheep had its prolapsed rectum replaced and anus restitched.

- A dog was discovered to have a gigantic tumour whilst being operated upon and died on the table in a pool of blood.

Poor F. We were staring at each other and not at the screen as tubes of intestine were roughly forced in various directions I said "I AM REALLY SORRY USUALLY IT IS LOVELY" and he retched occasionally. I will be back next week for more, despite this. I am pretty sure that if F ever nourished any fantasies about becoming a vet, I have now buried them definitively.

5. Event thing
As previously mentioned, I am doing an "event" in Waterstones in Brussels on 28th April, format as yet unknown, but certain to involve awkwardness, poorly delivered jokes and a dry mouth. Here is the info - I promised I would plug it so here I am plugging it and I warn you, I will probably do it again. If you are inclined to come, you can just turn up, I believe: "the event is free, all are very much welcome and refreshments are provided", which ticks most of my boxes for an evening out, except "miniature Shetland pony in gift bag".

6. Ugh 
Just found a crumb of flan down my bra. Going to try and sluice the sticky custard/apricot glaze from my person and give myself a stern talking to.


20% Flan remorse
20% Poor time management
20% Irregular verbs
20% Trying to decide which A.P.C. literary heroine dress I am (probably Emma, though I long to be Odette)
20% Icelandic remorse (failed to watch last episode of Trapped before it expired from my iPlayer thing - did he REALLY do up his coat??)



ganching said...

I grew up on a farm and have actually witnessed in REAL LIFE a sheep with its internal organs sticking out of its bottom. No wonder I had to move to London.
I will be purchasing a copy of your book in the near future. I think the least your readers could do is post a picture of themselves with a copy of the book.

Anonymous said...

Yes he did! (But only when he got locked in a freezer i.e. even colder than Iceland...but of course, he escaped and saved the day...)

Off to have a hot cross bun for breakfast...I hope you brought some back with you.

Alanna said...

The flan in your cleavage reminds me of the heavy boobs video from Crazy ex-girlfriend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYezW05zIwA

frau antje said...

50% Living by the sword.

50% Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Such are the state of my thoughts in Spring, though goose and coot nests are visible from window seat, where bird watching can be done without fainting.

(trying to shake that image of you all smashed up against A.C. Grayling)

Patience_Crabstick said...

You have certainly had your share of milk-related disasters this year.