Friday, 1 April 2016

Eye eye

My disgusting eye and I had our picture taken this morning.

(Me to friend F: What should I wear? 

F: A baguette

She is so helpful. She also tried to insist the book should be called "Driving over Baguettes". Or "B is for Book") 

French paraphernalia

In the end I wore what I later realised are the Trousers of Misfortune, which attract dirt and staining at an unearthly rate and are also quite unflattering, but which exert some kind of malign influence over me when I am in their orbit causing me to think they are a wardrobe winner. The photo business was mildly farcical. Conversation:

Photographer: Can you get your hair out of your eyes

E: Not really. It's a wig, I have alopecia. If I put it too far out of my eyes, it looks ridiculous. Look (holds fringe back). 

Photographer: .....

E: Fine, I'll get some product. But you need to do something about this eye. 

Heroically patient photographer: Leave the eye to me. 

Photo poses: contemplating books, contemplating éclairs, reading newspaper, meditatively holding a cup of coffee, holding a hen, guerrilla holding another cup of coffee on a café terrace, hoping serving staff would not notice (they didn't, thank you Belgian service culture). In all of them I look awkward, stiff and confused. "Bit more joy? Think 'BUY MY BOOK'", instructed the heroically patient photographer, but unless he is some kind of wizard, I expect I will look like Father Dougal McGuire trying to understand the difference between small and far away. In stained trousers.

After that I took the dog to the vet for his expensive pre-holiday decontamination and fell in love with this stoic little chap: 

In the afternoon after some work and similar drudgery I took to my bed because I felt like death (learning point: a St Honoré eclair and a bowl of spinach are not a good hungover lunch), welching on my promise (unsolicited, undesired, no one cared) to take children to bookshop for voluminous piles of holiday reading. The evening was greatly improved by a vodka martini of the kind I imagine the Duke of Edinburgh might describe as "bracing". Consider me fully braced. 

Amid this catalogue of inertia, incompetence and alcohol, I have managed to update the reading page for March though. Not very highbrow, but a couple of good 'uns. 

This may be my last post before the holidays! Then again, I may manage another one. Try and contain your excitement at the prospect of further high quality accounts of literally fuck all happening. 


70% vodka
10% ocular grossness
0.000001% vermouth



Oxfordshire said...

Which hen were you holding?

Waffle said...

The evil one, because her feathers are more luxuriant. Sigh.

Place to stand said...

I have a tale I don't know if I should share on the internet - not grimy or rude just bloody funny about Martinis me and a rather unique man...

Not being all girlie here but it was quite an experience....

My holiday reading is bigger than me,,

Anonymous said...

Enjoy every second of your holiday! You will be magnificent in the photos, don't worry. Laughing at the French paraphernalia and your luxuriant evil hen.
So excited about your book coming out!

connika said...

Have a great holiday Emma and thanks for updating reading for March.

Anonymous said...

You look amazing in the Telegraph!! In fact, you look positively French, haha!
Great article, very relatable and well-written as everything you do always is.

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