Friday, 1 April 2016

Eye eye

My disgusting eye and I had our picture taken this morning.

(Me to friend F: What should I wear? 

F: A baguette

She is so helpful. She also tried to insist the book should be called "Driving over Baguettes". Or "B is for Book") 



French paraphernalia

In the end I wore what I later realised are the Trousers of Misfortune, which attract dirt and staining at an unearthly rate and are also quite unflattering, but which exert some kind of malign influence over me when I am in their orbit causing me to think they are a wardrobe winner. The photo business was mildly farcical. Conversation:

Photographer: Can you get your hair out of your eyes

E: Not really. It's a wig, I have alopecia. If I put it too far out of my eyes, it looks ridiculous. Look (holds fringe back). 

Photographer: .....

E: Fine, I'll get some product. But you need to do something about this eye. 

Heroically patient photographer: Leave the eye to me. 

Photo poses: contemplating books, contemplating éclairs, reading newspaper, meditatively holding a cup of coffee, holding a hen, guerrilla holding another cup of coffee on a café terrace, hoping serving staff would not notice (they didn't, thank you Belgian service culture). In all of them I look awkward, stiff and confused. "Bit more joy? Think 'BUY MY BOOK'", instructed the heroically patient photographer, but unless he is some kind of wizard, I expect I will look like Father Dougal McGuire trying to understand the difference between small and far away. In stained trousers.

After that I took the dog to the vet for his expensive pre-holiday decontamination and fell in love with this stoic little chap: 


In the afternoon after some work and similar drudgery I took to my bed because I felt like death (learning point: a St Honoré eclair and a bowl of spinach are not a good hungover lunch), welching on my promise (unsolicited, undesired, no one cared) to take children to bookshop for voluminous piles of holiday reading. The evening was greatly improved by a vodka martini of the kind I imagine the Duke of Edinburgh might describe as "bracing". Consider me fully braced. 

Amid this catalogue of inertia, incompetence and alcohol, I have managed to update the reading page for March though. Not very highbrow, but a couple of good 'uns. 

This may be my last post before the holidays! Then again, I may manage another one. Try and contain your excitement at the prospect of further high quality accounts of literally fuck all happening. 

Percentages: 

70% vodka
10% ocular grossness
0.000001% vermouth
19.99999% NEARLY ON HOLIDAY OH MY GOD

You? 

15 comments:

Catharine Swash said...

Which hen were you holding?

Waffle said...

The evil one, because her feathers are more luxuriant. Sigh.

Place to stand said...

I have a tale I don't know if I should share on the internet - not grimy or rude just bloody funny about Martinis me and a rather unique man...

Not being all girlie here but it was quite an experience....

My holiday reading is bigger than me,,

Anonymous said...

Enjoy every second of your holiday! You will be magnificent in the photos, don't worry. Laughing at the French paraphernalia and your luxuriant evil hen.
So excited about your book coming out!

corinne kennedy said...

Have a great holiday Emma and thanks for updating reading for March.

Anonymous said...

You look amazing in the Telegraph!! In fact, you look positively French, haha!
Great article, very relatable and well-written as everything you do always is.

maqbool azam said...


HI ADMIN
Check my status and visit my blog to wish your father on father's day.


Happy fathers Day Wishes 2016 | Happy fathers Day Messages 2016 | Happy fathers Day Quotes 2016 | Happy fathers Day Sms 2016 | Happy fathers Day Images 2016

Regard:
maqbool azam

distributor jaket Kulit said...

provides many benefits and sharing this knowledge for me personally thank you admin.. distributor jaket kulit visit back

Emma said...

men and women are often alone. But happiness can help a marriage agency. Ukrainian girls seeking men from abroad to create a strong marriage meetyourwife.net

chenlili said...

canada goose outlet
michael kors outlet clearance
canada goose sale
kate spade handbags
coach factory outlet
pittsburgh steelers jerseys
oakley sunglasses outlet
michael kors outlet online
ralph lauren polo shirts
nike outlet store
the north face
ugg boots
cartier watches outlet
air jordan shoes
ugg uk
moncler pas cher
adidas nmd
replica rolex watches
cheap rolex watches
toms shoes uk
christian louboutin chaussures
kate spade outlet
coach outlet
coach outlet store online
coach factory outlet online
michael kors
ugg boots
nike air max pas cher
air max 90
rolex watches outlet
uggs for men
hermes handbags
cleveland cavaliers jerseys
michael kors outlet
louis vuitton outlet
louis vuitton
uggs on sale
cheap jerseys
chenlili20160823

ghada sayed said...




شركة نقل اثاث بالجبيل
شركة نقل عفش بالخبر
شركات النقل البري بالدمام
شركات نقل العفش بالدمام
ارقام شركات نقل العفش بالدمام
ارخص شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام
شركة تخزين عفش بالدمام

ghada sayed said...



اهم شركات كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام كذلك معرض اهم شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام والخبر والجبيل والخبر والاحساء والقطيف كذكل شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة وتنظيف بجدة ومكافحة الحشرات بالخبر وكشف تسربات المياه بالجبيل والقطيف والخبر والدمام
شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام
اهم شركات نقل العفش والاثاث بالدمام والخبر والجبيل اولقطيف والاحساء والرياض وجدة ومكة المدينة المنورة والخرج والطائف وخميس مشيط وبجدة افضل شركة نقل عفش بجدة نعرضها مجموعة الفا لنقل العفش بمكة والخرج والقصيم والطائف وتبوك وخميس مشيط ونجران وجيزان وبريدة والمدينة المنورة وينبع افضل شركات نقل الاثاث بالجبيل والطائف وخميس مشيط وبريدة وعنيزو وابها ونجران المدينة وينبع تبوك والقصيم الخرج حفر الباطن والظهران
شركة نقل عفش بالرياض
شركة نقل عفش بالطائف
شركة نقل عفش بالدمام
شركة نقل عفش بجدة
شركة نقل عفش بمكة

ghada sayed said...




شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
شركة نقل عفش بينبع
شركة نقل عفش بالخرج
شركة نقل عفش بالقصيم
شركة نقل عفش بخميس مشيط
شركة نقل عفش بتبوك

ghada sayed said...


شركة نقل عفش بابها
شركة نقل عفش ببريدة
شركة نقل عفش بنجران
شركة نقل عفش بحائل
شركة نقل عفش بالظهران
شركة نقل عفش واثاث
شركة نقل عفش

edmond phillip said...

Please everyone need to read this
Some time things you don’t believe can just happen.
My name is Mr Phillip from canada am 52 years old i got married
at the age of 36 i have only one child and i was living happily .After sixteen
year of my marriage my wife behavior became so strange and i don’t
really understand what was going on, she packed out of the house to another
man i love her so much that i never dream of losing her, i try my
possible best to make sure that my wife get back to me but all to no
avail i cry and i cry seeking for help i discussed it with my best friend
and he promise to help me of a SPIRITUAL SPELL CASTER called dr Fulfilment,he
is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing
concerning love issues he cannot do that is why they call him the great
fulfilment And i told him everything that
happen all he told me is that i should not worry that all my problems will
be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my wife back and i
did, he said after 3 days my wife will come back to me and start
begging, it really happen i was very surprise and very, very happy our
relationship is very tight and we both live happily again.
So my friends if you have any issues and you need the help of a real spell
caster please try to contact this same email address (
fulfimenttemple@gmail.com
HE FIX THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS TO ALL
ACROSS THE GLOBE ON:
1. Getting your lover or husband back
2. Spiritual bulletproof
3. Training
4. Money spell
5. Long life spell
6. Prosperity spell
7. Protection spell
8. Get a job spell
9. Becoming a manager spell
10. Get a huge loan without paying any fee spell
11. Getting your scam money back
12. Child spell
13. Pregnancy spell
14. Freedom spell
15. Love spell
16, vanishing spell
17. Invisible human spell
18. Success or pass spell
19. Marriage spell
20. Avenging spell
21. Popularity spell
22. Cancer spell