(not sponsored by Lemsip)
6:45 Woken by what, in my confused, sleepy, ears blocked with cold, state, I believe to be an owl hooting. Lie in state of confused enchantment, until....
6:55 ... realise it is of course the BASTARD HEN.
7:00 Hear a child on staircase, inevitably it is the child that has the day off and doesn't actually need to get up. Assume it is going to feed chickens. It isn't. Persuade child - from still prone position, by power of shouting - to feed chickens. This makes no difference to chicken volume. First Lemsip of the day.
8:30 Discussion with cleaning lady about how delicious the Jerusalem Artichokes were, no, no, thank you no more for now, keep some for yourself!
8:35 Walk dog. Dog spends many minutes tenderly licking patches of old pee. Listen to more of The Butcher's Hook. Continued cognitive dissonance of Janet Ellis, childhood Blue Peter queen, narrating tale of 18th century illicit sex 'n' butchery (still excellent).
10:00 Home. Rapidly become too annoyed about a minor work contretemps to concentrate. Look at some owls. Mutter.
10:30 Get intro trouble with B for sending him an article on dolphin masturbation:
"I send you photographs of tiny hedgehogs, news about adorable rescued gigantic rabbits, and you reward me with a man whose job it is to MASTURBATE DOLPHINS? I'm not sure we're engaged in an equitable animal-information-sharing relationship.
" la masturbation est répétée tous les jours" WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK"
10:40 Try and claw myself back into his esteem with baby elephants trying to be lapdogs courtesy of M. and caption "Baby elephants! Absolutely no masturbation!" Response "I feel like lack of masturbation in animal communication is a low bar"
11:30 Greet a selection of complaints/questions about Skype performance, broadband speed, wifi networks from child with a tetchy "why on earth are you asking me?"
12:30 Lunch. A contradictory combo of punishment soup and ruminant medley followed by heavily buttered hot cross bun. I contain multitudes (multitudes of hot cross buns).
1:30-3:30 Long, increasingly desperate, reflection on prospect of going to see my friends at Bastardpost. Denial, bargaining, anger, despair, acceptance, padded envelopes.
3:30-3:35 Post office trip. It's never as bad as you think it's going to be unless you set off in optimism in which case it is TERRIBLE.
4:45 Listen to excellent Nina Stibbe short story on Radio 4 FULL of ponies.
5:00 Sink into hell-cold stupor. Mouth breathe unhappily. Start fourth packet of tissues.
5:30 Review this "do these dogs look like their owners" feature with intense seriousness evaluating each one.
5:40 Afternoon snack: 4 Maltesers (all that were left in packet, it would have ideally been 400) and a Lemsip. Desultory laundry.
6:00 Walk dog. Take a picture of this alarming sight:
to prove I didn't hallucinate it.
6:30 Sadly acknowledge that I am too sick for gin. Give up. Self-medicate with Crufts.
How was your Friday?