Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Dutch Class




When you’re alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go to Dutch Class
When you’ve got worries all the irregular verbs
Seem to help, I know, at Dutch Class

Just listen to an exercise on how to buy a TV
Linger over videoclips that date from 1980
Het of de?
The sounds are more guttural there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares

So go to Dutch Class
Things will be great when you’re in Dutch Class
No finer place, for sure, Dutch Class
Iedereen wacht op jou*

Don’t hang around and let your problems surround you
There are games to play at Dutch Class
Maybe you’ll have to pretend to speed date
A shy Congolese guy, in Dutch Class

Just listen to the rhythm of the improbable vowels
Stilted conversation for three interminable hours
About hobbies
The talk is more awkward there
With limited vocab, and no Google Translate

But it’s Dutch Class
Don’t try the drinks machine, Dutch Class
The jokes are not so PC, Dutch Class
Maar heb je jouw huiswerk gedaan?

And you may end up paired with the guy who's walked into the wrong group
Someone who is quite confused and could use a gentle hand
To copy your homework
So maybe I’ll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares

In our Dutch Class
Six hours a week in this Dutch Class
Why did I sign up for Dutch Class?
Iedereen wacht op jou.

*I'd like to think this means 'everyone's waiting for you', but who knows really, I am only at level 2.1 which is barely above grunting and hand gestures and if you are asking me anything other than my hobbies or how to buy a second hand table through a small ad, I'm likely to struggle.
UPDATE: Now corrected thanks to commenter intervention
** But have you done your homework?


I do know this is not even slightly funny, but it is about all I did today, except falling painfully upstairs onto my middle finger, no, no idea, collecting a piece of paper at great psychic expense from the obstructive bastards at the town hall and yes, three hours of Dutch (paired with the Ukrainian chocolatière, I did well today). I'm now going to walk the dog and have a stern word with myself.

Percentages
30% Further terrorist raid confusion
30% Fuck yeah, a flan in a box waiting for me
30% Concern I may have a tapeworm
10% Jowl expansion suggests otherwise

You?

13 comments:

anapestic said...

Will the stern word be in Dutch? I would often like to have a stern word with myself, but I have so far been unable to limit it to one.

Sandra @SewofCourse said...

Your experience of Dutch class makes me laugh at times (I know, it shouldn't, it's a serious matter, right?). Having learned Dutch myself as my "mother tongue" I am often not aware of it's pecularities until you point them out. Now I live for more than half my life in English speaking countries I am probably no longer as good at Dutch as I once was (I mix in English words all the time now).
Btw, everyone's waiting for you = iedereen wacht op jou. (iedereen is singular, jou = you, jouw = your) To be fair, jou/jouw is one of the stumbling blocks that even native speakers find hard... Veel plezier in Dutch class!

Crazy Mom! said...


O mijn God - zo grappig

(I have no Dutch or even Deutsch. I googled the translation.)

dat is een hilarische blog

Now I must go to 20% work and 80% chocolate

(My brother lived in Oslo for 2 years and would bring us back Norwegian items. We amused ourselves by reading the labels out loud. Sjokolade peanøttsmør = chocolate peanut butter, jah?)

The Reluctant Launderer said...

This is fabulous. Except now, Petula Clark ear worm.

Dale said...

I can tell that the whole thing is from your hartje! (Of van jouw hartje, misschien). Ah, good times. Happy to hear that the curriculum has not been updated one iota.

Susan Coleman said...

Is your Dutch class downtown? I know, not funny. I love your blog/writing humour. Keep going please.

Patience_Crabstick said...

The more I read this, the more I love it.

Persephone said...

Whaddaya mean "this is not even slightly funny"??? I'm an ex-ESL teacher, and I adore it! (And if you're going to have an earworm, this one is okay to have.) *Shuffles off in the rhythm of the gentle bossa nova*

Waffle said...

Thank you Sandra. I don't really get any of the je jou jouw jij stuff and since we are only allowed to spreek nederlands in class I seem unable to get any clarification that I actually understand. Perhaps it will all fall into place at some point, perhaps not. *shrugs*

Shanners said...

Obviously that needed me to sing the entire thing out loud (very), but also tunelessly - which meant the cat left the room, and I made myself cry laughing. Thank you. After a very trying few days at work, that was BRILLIANT!

Helen said...

The speed dating the shy Congolese guy was a stroke of genius.

Waffle said...

Helen - It might be genius if it were not one hundred percent the actual truth.

Kate O'Dea said...

I too am taking Dutch lessons and Ik vind het veel therapeutic! I especially like it when the teacher tells us (he's an Amsterdammer) that "the f***ing verb flies to the end of the f***ing sentence". Dialogues frequently refer to Bier drenken and jointje roken.