Elephant shrew is fatigued
Let me tell you briefly about my leaving the house adventures, since I write enough boring shit where I haven't left the house and just expend 500 words complaining about saxophone neighbour and the pets (all of these still annoying me, yes).
So I went to London to do a couple of book things. This trip was the first time I had to do anything officially book related, other than be marched around London in 2014 like a not-exactly-prize-winning pony to have my teeth looked at and fetlocks checked and mainly found wanting by publishers. I was nervous. I still feel weird about the whole business, apparently, which is convenient as publication date gallops towards us like an escaped chicken who has heard the back door opening. I workshopped my outfit extensively with M and B, both of whom insisted I wore a dress I couldn't breathe in. YEAH THANKS, GUYS. Oxygen is optional. I tried to eat a scone wearing the dress before the first event and thought I might end up causing a scene in Pain Quotidien. It sort of resolved when I stood up, but only partially.
Presenting book at publisher's.
Behold the bewildering selection of non-fiction releases:
Sports/business mash up, Scarlett from Gogglebox (sadly delayed on a train and not present, though also this was sort of a relief because I would have been even more intimidated to talk in front of her), tales of a 1940s matrimonial agency, Mad Frank and Sons ("the untold story of one of the most feared crime families in Britain"), 101 Bets You Will Always Win and, er, me.
Good: Pancakes. Did not disgrace self entirely, speech-wise, apparently (god, I am bad at it though and was clutching little scraps of highlighted paper to crush any semblance of spontaneity). Everyone I met was kind and funny and encouraging. The man who did magic tricks was brilliant. One of Mad Frank's sons stroked my face and told me I was lovely. Wore my beloved croissant brooch which was much admired.
Bad: MFF's son proposed marriage to another attendee, so apparently I was nothing special. Left loo door open by mistake (wasn't ON loo, doing make up, but still) and someone walked in on me, then later was presented to Managing Director when I had very wet hands having just washed them and had to shake his, like some kind of ... seal? I don't know. A bad thing. Proffering a gross, wet flipper.
Ugly: On reflection probably had one glass (two glasses) of wine too many.
Meeting independent book sellers in Cardiff.
Good: Other authors (not the Day 1 team) delightful and funny. Booksellers also delightful, kind and interested in or feigned interest in inarticulate muttering.
- Had to give speech in gap between two tables and revolve like rotisserie chicken to see everyone, somewhat detracting from speech delivery (never my strongest point).
- During speech someone upstairs had apparently decided to teach an elephant CrossFit class.
- Slightly hungover from glass (es) of wine too many previous day and not sparkling conversationalist.
- Started random conversation about how shit bras are when slightly drunk.
- No one understood Corbeau et Renard brooch
Ugly: Nautical bondage themed bar in hotel.
Got sick, went home, spent rest of day/week watching Grey's Anatomy and eating religieuses, basically (God, I miss Yang. It's not the same without her).
Now my family are back from half term and I can no longer lie around eating religieuses and watching medical dramas and must do Chinese revision and chivvying and watch stuff where things explode and Tom Cruise runs around self-importantly showing not the slightest trace of humour, whilst my PayPal account is drained by mysterious gaming-related sources. It's a good thing really (well, not the PayPal) - I like being on my own and the house ends up all pristine and lovely, but I swiftly become really quite neurotic and weird and plan out every second of my time and talk myself fussily through my self-imposed timetable, task by task. I certainly do not enter a white hot zone of creativity and write half a novel, which is a shame.
20% Back to usual role as tedious child-nag
10% Itchy chin
10% Annoying cough
5% Marcolini sugar-free chocolate, I'm not really sure what I thought I was achieving buying that, guess what, the kind with sugar is nicer
5% Stale scone
5% Woolly hat