It is still freezing - minus 6! - and I know almost everyone hates this part of the year and I am sorry for your suffering, but I actually quite love it. What I like is that simple survival becomes an end in itself and I can derive purpose from simply remaining alive, rather than berating myself for achieving nothing. Also: bowls of hyacinths, cashmere socks, a million birds in the garden (mainly crows trying to drag whole fat balls away to their crow lairs), the remains of the Christmas cake which I have secreted at the back of the cupboard to prevent anyone else eating it and cooking with even more butter than usual.
Do not think this generally tone of positivity extends too far - it does not. A well of unfocused anger swirls within me, mainly emerging when inanimate objects cross me. I am furious with:
- the neighbour (yes, I know he is not an inanimate object. If only he were. He's playing along to Hotel California this morning, because what Hotel California has been missing all these years is a fucking sax solo)
- the washing machine, which blocks approx. once a week now and which I must then empty via the stupid outflow thing, using trays and ending up with water all over the floor and dark spots in front of my eyes from fury. "I HAVE A FIRST CLASS DEGREE FROM OXFORD AND STILL I HAVE TO TOLERATE YOUR BULLSHIT" I shrieked at it yesterday as gallons of warm, mysteriously dark blue water gushed forth, with no effect whatsoever.
- Tights. Why must your feet or crotch always be the wrong way around? What the hell is that, you are tubes of fabric, how fucking hard is it simply to do your job? JUST ENCASE MY LEGS AND LEAVE THE FLOW OF BLOOD TO MY LIMBS WELL ALONE.
- The dishwasher. Yes, sure, just slightly warm up the dirty bits, causing them to become more encrusted. And yes, take three and a half hours to do so, that seems perfectly reasonable.
- The dog (not quite inanimate but nearly), for choosing to spend most of any walk insistently licking patches of frozen urine while all feeling leaves my hands and feet.
- Amazon Prime for not telling me it had Grey's Anatomy Season 11 until the very day it was removing it from Prime, causing me to watch six episodes in one day crying in fury. I will never know what happens about Derek fixing brains for the President now.
M: I feel like I could eat a house. If it were made of toast. I would eat that.
E: Or a horse, also made of toast?
M: I don't know about the horse. Maybe I would just keep the horse as is, but walk it into the toast house and eat that. Like a sort of horse sandwich.
E: What, you'd keep the toast horse? I'm confused.
M: No, I don't want the horse to be toast. I want it to be meat. Then I'd put the meat horse into the toast house. And eat the whole thing.
E: I'm glad we straightened this out. 1. Toast house. 2. Meat horse. 3. Place 2 in 1. 4. Consume.
M: This is going to end up as a blog post isn't it.
30% Weirdly despairing and sad for no reason this morning despite all the above flannel about my love of cold winter days, crow squabbles and cashmere.
20% Skirt uncertainty. I haven't worn one for months and am wearing one now, due to "spontaneity". Is it too cold? What shoes? Will I get food on the white border like I did last time I wore it?
20% Sick of these ground up linseeds I keep putting in everything because it's January and one is supposed to do that kind of thing.
20% Completely delighted by this book:
which I am using to counter my son's 'can women be pilots' question.
10% On a tidying jag that will not last. The problem with tidying jags for me is that while they continue I am delighted with the state of the house but perpetually angry and resentful at its other inhabitants for putting things in non-mandated putting spots and generally continuing to exist obliviously in a world of unfolded blankets and unpaired shoes. Given I am incapable of simply taking on the extra workload without furious resentment, it is better for the global utility of the household for me simply to allow everything to sink back into our usual state of mild, but convivial squalor. I anticipate this happening by the weekend.
You? What are you furious with and what would you eat as a snack, ideally, today (me = a whole M and S coffee and walnut cake I think, thanks)?