Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Contentedly furious

It is still freezing -  minus 6! - and I know almost everyone hates this part of the year and I am sorry for your suffering, but I actually quite love it. What I like is that simple survival becomes an end in itself and I can derive purpose from simply remaining alive, rather than berating myself for achieving nothing. Also: bowls of hyacinths, cashmere socks, a million birds in the garden (mainly crows trying to drag whole fat balls away to their crow lairs), the remains of the Christmas cake which I have secreted at the back of the cupboard to prevent anyone else eating it and cooking with even more butter than usual.

Do not think this generally tone of positivity extends too far - it does not. A well of unfocused anger swirls within me, mainly emerging when inanimate objects cross me. I am furious with:

- the neighbour (yes, I know he is not an inanimate object. If only he were. He's playing along to Hotel California this morning, because what Hotel California has been missing all these years is a fucking sax solo)

- the washing machine, which blocks approx. once a week now and which I must then empty via the stupid outflow thing, using trays and ending up with water all over the floor and dark spots in front of my eyes from fury. "I HAVE A FIRST CLASS DEGREE FROM OXFORD AND STILL I HAVE TO TOLERATE YOUR BULLSHIT" I shrieked at it yesterday as gallons of warm, mysteriously dark blue water gushed forth, with no effect whatsoever.

- Tights. Why must your feet or crotch always be the wrong way around? What the hell is that, you are tubes of fabric, how fucking hard is it simply to do your job? JUST ENCASE MY LEGS AND LEAVE THE FLOW OF BLOOD TO MY LIMBS WELL ALONE.

- The dishwasher. Yes, sure, just slightly warm up the dirty bits, causing them to become more encrusted. And yes, take three and a half hours to do so, that seems perfectly reasonable.

- The dog (not quite inanimate but nearly), for choosing to spend most of any walk insistently licking patches of frozen urine while all feeling leaves my hands and feet.

- Amazon Prime for not telling me it had Grey's Anatomy Season 11 until the very day it was removing it from Prime, causing me to watch six episodes in one day crying in fury. I will never know what happens about Derek fixing brains for the President now.

Snack issues: 

M: I feel like I could eat a house. If it were made of toast. I would eat that.

E: Or a horse, also made of toast?

M: I don't know about the horse. Maybe I would just keep the horse as is, but walk it into the toast house and eat that. Like a sort of horse sandwich.

E: What, you'd keep the toast horse? I'm confused.

M: No, I don't want the horse to be toast. I want it to be meat. Then I'd put the meat horse into the toast house. And eat the whole thing.

E: I'm glad we straightened this out. 1. Toast house. 2. Meat horse. 3. Place 2 in 1. 4. Consume.

M: This is going to end up as a blog post isn't it.


30% Weirdly despairing and sad for no reason this morning despite all the above flannel about my love of cold winter days, crow squabbles and cashmere.

20% Skirt uncertainty. I haven't worn one for months and am wearing one now, due to "spontaneity". Is it too cold? What shoes? Will I get food on the white border like I did last time I wore it?

20% Sick of these ground up linseeds I keep putting in everything because it's January and one is supposed to do that kind of thing.

20% Completely delighted by this book:

which I am using to counter my son's 'can women be pilots' question.

10% On a tidying jag that will not last. The problem with tidying jags for me is that while they continue I am delighted with the state of the house but perpetually angry and resentful at its other inhabitants for putting things in non-mandated putting spots and generally continuing to exist obliviously in a world of unfolded blankets and unpaired shoes. Given I am incapable of simply taking on the extra workload without furious resentment, it is better for the global utility of the household for me simply to allow everything to sink back into our usual state of mild, but convivial squalor. I anticipate this happening by the weekend.

You? What are you furious with and what would you eat as a snack, ideally, today (me = a whole M and S coffee and walnut cake I think, thanks)?


Hoxton said...

Yes I find I am oddly enjoying the cold snap too. I am pretending to be Danish about it, with blankets and knitwear and candles. And the somewhat less Danish Tunnock's caramel wafers. It's not hibernating like a slattern bear, ignoring the washing up and pouring another glass of wine. It's hygge.

Sophie said...

I am furious with my spastic arthritic hands which do not like the cold, and which I had anticipated working without fault for longer than 42 years. They are not aided by my addiction to amusing internet blogs/excessive procrastination. The rest of me likes the cold very much when swaddled like the Michelin man in as many clothes as I can find.
Snacking: usually cheeseontoast but recently dahl made by my husband which is stupendously good and I want to eat all of it. But I will become a giant ball of chilli-tinged flatulence which will upset the dog, make the house smell and my eyes water. So back to cheeseontoast. With extra cheese. Because it's cold, and I'm losing weight just by being cold, apparently. Hard to tell under 47 layers but it was in the papers last year and so It Must Be True.

Z said...

I'm tetchy that I can't find a skirt to buy. I've been looking since September and have bought a coat, four dresses, a pair of jeans and three tops, but not a skirt. Nor trousers that aren't jeans. Nor shoes, come to that. Boots, fine but shoes seem to be too flat, too high (arthritic hip has reached the stage I can't wear either) or look like my granny would own them. I have really low standards of acceptability, so it's the shops, not me.

I made marmalade last week so am mostly snacking on that, sometimes straight out of the jar. And I've eaten nearly all the salty liquorice I was given for Christmas, so will have to visit Holland soon to restock.

Mama Of Boys said...

I'm angry at my son's school for suddenly announcing he must wear his long hair tied back for PE causing me to spend an anxious weekend cheerleading it up to him only for the gym teacher to 'forget' about it and allowing him to do gym with it down. Mixed messages for a 4yr old anyone? I also fail to understand why, when he's just had 2inches cut off the bottom, why it's been mentioned now and nothing was said during the autumn term when it was considerably longer??
And I'd really like some maltesers that have come straight out of the fridge. But that's probably just because I'm on a gender equality hair rampage that's being swayed slightly by maternal adoration...??

Z said...

Perhaps the parent of a long-haired girl has complained that, whilst she has to tie her hair back for PE, the boys don't and this isn't fair, so the school has had to hastily make things equal. And the teacher thinks this is a bit silly, so 'forgets'. Alternatively, the governors have had a look at the Health and Safety policy and the Equality policy and have decided you can't be too careful. Maybe his hair was previously long enough to tuck behind his ears and now flies around more when he's active?
Sorry. Been a school governor too long. Going to quit and get a life.

frau antje said...

Finding myself not infrequently pushed to Medusa resting face limits by the aandachtzoeker (unfortunately they winter AND summer here), scientific name: Bullshitting smirker.

Around the house I'm more like that Dylan Thomas woman who said if the sun's coming in, it had better wipe its feet.

Also, for anyone not feeling lekker in their vel, but without Anne Lister's money--

JB_Kiwi said...

Your week (particularly washing machine and tights-related rage) sounds v like mine which is a little spooky. I also have vast pools of rage directed towards unimaginable fuckwittery at work but after deep breathing for about 3 hours, I've managed to confine that rage to a small container in the back of my mind so it's best if we just leave it there and pretend it doesn't exist. Also people who are not drinking in January are really pissing me off. As are students who coin new nonsense words in their assignments. NO. Efficientability is not a word. It will never be a word. Just NO.

You need to see the rest of Grey's season 11. There must be a way?

Waffle said...

JB - I could buy a DVD like the old folks, I suppose. Efficientability, ha. I just had to deal with a translation which included a jumper model called "unconformist". NO. NO NO NO.

Frau A - This is an excellent addition to my Dutch vocabulary.

J. said...

I hope the ghost of Glenn Frey gives your neighbor a serious haunting. It is 0 degrees F here, which means I can give zero f*cks about most things. I was hit by a car yesterday but since I am miraculously unharmed except for a sore shoulder from falling onto frozen pavement, I've been free to be unreasonably annoyed by all the necessary post-accident admin (doctor visit, accident report, etc.).

CJ said...

The neighbour sounds excruciating, you have my sympathy. I would be plotting his murder by now. I am just coming down from a towering rage explosion from NEVER HAVING A SINGLE MOMENT'S PEACE and also the tidying thing as well, why does no-one else EVER BOTHER. I banged my hand on the table for dramatic effect and it is now really painful. For a snack I would need something with a vast amount of cheesy grease and salt. Then something with a vast amount of cream and some dark chocolate. Beyond that I am really not fussy. I heard the other day that if I don't put the central heating on I will be cold and that will make me thin. I'm giving it a go. Not sure how long it takes. CJ xx

Waffle said...

CJ - What I am curious about is the thought process whereby they apparently think "these socks are annoying me/uncomfortable/jarring with my look. I know, I will take them off and leave the on the coffee table. Or perhaps on the floor. Or one each? All those solutions seem good to me." I once shared an office with someone who shared that central heating theory. I did not get any thinner during his tenure.

J - YOUCH. I hope you are ok.

Anonymous said...

Furious with: I am on day 18 of the most enormous sulk of my life, refusing to do the task I know (by court order) is top priority, which is to divide the household goods in my divorce. I simply give no fucks about whether the man who has hidden a large proportion of the not-very-much-money-to-go-around gets his share of the worn sofas and mixing bowls. Can sometimes rouse myself to small efforts by combinations of The War of the Roses and Medea, with Beyonce singing 'to the left, to the left' on my shoulder. Spent an hour in the shed and garage self-righteously listing 'ladder, bucket' etc. with numb fingers so that's enough for today. Snack of my sulk: alternate bites of florentine and popcorn. Thank you for the tights laugh, and the explanation of my calmness at doing nothing but sulking (surviving the cold = full time productivity).

Seren said...

I am angry because I can't find a sufficiently annoying inanimate object to provide focus for the swirling red mist of January rage. This is making me stomp around like a sulky teenager and make futile V signs behind at the back of my husband's head. It is not attractive in a fully grown woman (and that makes me angrier still).

I am, however, finding that M&S Colin the Caterpillar fruit gums are quite satisfying to chew through while muttering under my breath so all is not lost.

Waffle said...

Seren - I am so so so glad to hear someone else does the V sign thing.

Alan said...

My wife and I are in the habit of doing the V sign thing to each other in Sainsburys. Given that she is a wheelchair user it is only a matter of time before I am spotted and thrown into the street or taken to the manager's office. Somehow the possibility merely enhances the excitement.

Alan said...

I should add that January is nothing special to me, I am in a permanent condition of smouldering anger.

Anna Maria said...

Having the misfortune of growing up in Eastern Europe under communist regime, I didn't know CCF, or Nancy Mitford, or I Capture the Castle - they were far too bourgeois, and had not been translated (and only Dodie Smith has been been published in Poland since the end of communism - I am so glad I can read the originals). I loved the film, too.

Anna Maria said...

As for being furious, I am always reminded of the scene in the film Crash, in which Sandra Bullock, of all people, says: I am angry all the time. It really resonated with me;-) and despite doing yoga, and mastering hygge (I lived in Denmark, and learnt from the Danes), I am still furious, mostly about the state of the planet.