Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Eleven Eleven

Armistice Day is a public holiday in Belgium. My family have honoured the war dead by playing Call of Duty: Black Ops for a large number of hours. I have honoured the war dead by making and then scanning a number of manuscript mark-ups intended to stop people suing me and by walking the dog at length, holding up Chinese flashcards and drinking a not very nice cappuccino (why will I never learn, they are all not very nice in Belgium). Later, there will be fish and chips, not to honour the war dead, but because it is Wednesday and we always have fish and chips on Wednesday.

Random shit: 

Installation trousers

This morning I was idly browsing black trousers (what, shut up, this is a valid public holiday activity) when I came across this marvellous piece of copy "The Devoe Pants offer a relaxed fit inspired by handmade ceramics and abstract art objects." Um, how, exactly? Because they do not look to me, the casual trouser observer, to be greatly inspired by abstract art objects. I mean, sure, some of the crazy three-armed Rei Kawakubo garments they sell in the Mad Japanese corner of Liberty looks like they are, but these trousers just look like.. trousers.

Lucky Men 

I walked past this earlier:


In fairness, there was a stack of bottles of Evian in one corner. The lucky men are occasionally allowed something other than beer. Men reading: what else would you like them to provide in this shop for you to feel really really lucky? Perhaps a Lazy Man Mug? The Lucky Emma shop would sell: super-cheap cashmere, even cheaper British industrial confectionery, pygmy goats and live owls. Admittedly, I can see some logistical difficulties with getting these stock lines to co-exist peacefully.


Buffet of wrongdoing

Conversation earlier with M:

E: (redacted) sit on a throne of lies

M: Yes. Lies woven together like coconut fronds.

E: A beach hut of lies. A lounger of lies.

M: A rum arrangé of deceit. An international buffet of wrongdoing.

(infantile virtual laughter)

Percentages: 

20% Courbatures (I love that word)

20% Really really need a new moisturiser, have been using nothing at all for months now, it's not really working out for me

20% Puzzled by tone of contemporary discourse in many spheres

20% Sugar after asking my son to "surprise me" with a drink, which he duly did

10% Nederlands huiswerk, both mine and F's, which are of similar degrees of difficulty

10% Pavlovian Wednesday wine anticipation, mmmmm fritkot wine.


You? What would be in a shop called Lucky (Your name)?


26 comments:

Ellie said...

Lucky Ellie would contain tiny legume plants in bloom, a selection of fascinating small beetles including a tank of those frantic diving ones that they have in the Houston Zoo, thin-crust pizza, a tank of bobtail squids, border collie puppies, Manhattans on tap, an extra, functioning liver that I could switch out when necessary, 18th century manuscripts that I could touch, tea, sphinx moths and a comfortable bed behind a curtain with a good reading lamp and a big pile of compulsively readable but not too brainless modern literary fiction.

Alan said...

A bit blokey I’m afraid but the Lucky Alan department store boasts, on the ground floor, The Craghoppers Lounge where we browse a wide range of outdoor clothing and action trousers (yes, it’s a thing). Goretex envy satisfied we move through to the Wall of Ale, a comprehensive display of the products from the finest microbreweries of the world. From here it is a short step to the World of Digital Radios which in turn leads to The CD Shop of Proper Music where every disc, of whatever genre, supplies 12 tracks, all of which are wonderful and none of which feature Bono, anybody who has won a televised talent show or James Corden (these are also mandatory conditions for Lucky Alan World, I’m still working on that).

Taking the lift to the first floor we enter The Bookshop of Eternal Delight where every book captivates from the opening sentence and maintains its charm for a further 300 pages without tempting the reader to throw it across the room after 20 pages or to sue the author. Whilst leafing through such a volume we notice the first delicious odours drifting down from the rooftop where The Binoche Bistro is gearing up for lunch when every Steak is succulent and every Frite crisp and golden, every Moule soft, orange and plumptious, the red wine thoughtful and mellow, the Tarte au Citron freshly cleansing. Obviously the coffee is rich, dark and complex and Ms Binoche herself is in the habit of sharing a digestif with the regulars who include Alan Bennet, Michael Palin, David Attenborough, Victoria Wood, Rebecca Front, my wife and of course Our Lady of the Waffles.

The basement features an unvisited room empty apart from a second hand rowing machine, for no other reason than to justify the sign on the wall outside which reads “To the Lucky Gym”.

ellen kirkendall said...

My lucky store might feature quality knitting yarns and craft books available at fire sale prices with half of the store a charming cafe with excellent coffee fast wifi and good light.

Jane Murray Bird said...

Lucky Jane sells: roadkill corvid taxidermy; tea dresses with scratch 'n' sniff cavorting polecat print; pre-curated, whimsically mismatched, charity shop, floral crockery collections for the price they cost in the actual charity shop; miniatures of frangelico by the till, like the bourbon in Thelma and Louise; all basic clothing items, household linens etc made in pale grey cashmere for the price of cotton; selection boxes of the world's coffee-flavoured chocolates; neroli-impregnated bath tubs and oyster-frites. And you're doing a book signing there at noon.

Nimble said...

Lucky Me: Books and stationery, trampolines, cotton sweaters, kir royale on tap.

gwen said...

Oh god, I love this question. Lucky Gwen would stock puppies and babies that I could snuggle endlessly but have no actual responsibility for, library books with no return dates, cinnamon-raisin bagels that are always freshly baked, and a large selection of volunteer masseurs waiting to provide free foot rubs at all times.

badvinaigrette said...

Lucky Laura would have copper toilet roll holders, those tiny little turtles that are no longer allowed as pets, water features, a personal chef, free wifi, underfloor heating, remote controlled candles, it would smell like amber from Marrakesh and everyone would get a John Lewis voucher.

Hannah said...

Lucky Hannah would have every beautiful, minimal Swedish clothing and homeware brand at h&m/IKEA prices. It would have unfinished wooden floors and white walls and soft glowing lights. It would have friendly lurcher puppies bounding about and causing mayhem that you could take home for the weekend. the staff would be friendly and cool and because they were so charming, make you feel cool too. The music section would be scandi electro pop that you'd never heard of but was instantly catchy and on vinyl. And the book section would be full of fascinating and charming modern literature, interspersed with some accessible classics and young adult sci fi all with beautifully designed covers. Also doc martens that have already been worn in, the perfect fit of jeans in every colour and an endless supply of watches that you can wear for a week, return and swap with another style. Sigh.

mountainear said...

Lucky Felicity would be like the department store in 'I Capture the Castle' with deep carpets and smelling of bluebell woods. (It goes without saying that there would be no crowds of stupid dawdling people in there.) It would be stocked with miniature dachshund puppies and Bengal kittens. I could have one of each. For free.

There would be remarkable clothes which removed years and weight and a hair stylist whose magic was worked silently, in minutes rather than interminable hours. There would be jewellery - lovely, large and luminous pearls in particular. And books. Nothing too challenging but preselected for readability. If a bag of sunshine could be arranged I' know I'd find in there.

As an afterthought I hope that somewhere - perhaps in a sealed room - there might be some cheese.

Lola said...

This is a brilliant concept. Lucky Lola is an strange emporium containing single estate dark chocolate varieties all on special offer, clothes that actually fit me and don't make me look like a washed out tramp, gorgeous fresh vegetables, and a badminton court.

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