Thursday, 2 July 2015

Top Ten Summer Emotions

I definitely said this last year, or possibly the year before, or maybe regularly every year since I started writing this blog, but the thing about summer is that it has such great PR, with its cloudless blue skies, honeysuckle and frozen lemonade with candy-striped paper straws that it fools me into believing I must like it, but actually I HATE IT. Every year I forget how weird it makes me and every year I think I am going mad, falling down a rabbit hole of anxiety and paranoia.

I am not going mad, I just hate summer. I should put a sodding diary reminder in my phone in mid-June or something. "YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD YOU JUST HATE SUMMER".

(I have definitely said that before)


(Who knows, maybe I am going mad)

My top ten summer emotions, all listicle like and irritatingly capitalised:

1. Everyone Needs To Go Away So I Can Sit In the Dark.

2. Something Terrible Is Going To Happen.

3. I Have Been Away From My Email For Too Long And Now I Have To Look At It And I Am Overcome With Sick Dread (Even Though When I Do Look It Is Just 137 Generic Mailshots From Travel PRs). (I call this one the Holiday Special.)

4. We Are All Going To Die.

5. Nighttime Frustrations: Includes Stop Breathing So Loudly, Bedmate And Take Your Unbearably Hot Arm Far Away From Me. The Duvet Is Too Hot But The Sheet Is Too Light. Fuck You, Mosquito, A Million Times Over. No Hang On Bedmate Come Back With Your Unbearably Hot Arm For The Existential Terror Is Upon Me. Shit, Not You, Mosquito.

6. The Fact I Am A Terrible Person Will Be Sickeningly Revealed In Some Mysterious and Inexorable Way Now.

7. Aesthetic Frustrations: Includes Fucking Fake Tan Fail, Suncream-Induced Chin And Nose Spots and Why Have My Ankles Swollen Up To Ressemble Suet Puddings.

8. Alcohol Will Definitely Help With All These Feelings.

9. Oh, It Didn't.

10. Everyone Needs To Go Away Again.

What are your dominant or recurrent summer emotions?


LucyFishwife said...

My number one Summer Emotion is (and the all-caps is vital to convey the intensity of this feeling) "WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ANY PART OF MY EXPOSED SKIN WITH ANY PART OF YOURS YOU VILE FELLOW-COMMUTING PARASITE"

Artichoke Queen said...

Oh, just excitement at SEEING THE WAFFLE IN TWO WEEKS!!!

MargotLeadbetter said...

I LOVE the hot weather bits of summer and it is because of two things: 1) Not ever needing a cardigan (not that I have anything against them; in fact I love a nice cardigan) and 2) Because of the feeling that normal service is suspended while the heat lasts, and you don't need to cook or clean the house or do any work, and it is perfectly fine to drink booze on a Tuesday and eat 5 ice creams a day.

Nimble said...

Scene 1, grocery store: I am picking out a watermelon and thinking about how wonderful it will be to gorge on its cool crunchy sweetness. Perfect expression summer treat with no guilt because fruit dessert!
Scene 2, home: I am cutting open the watermelon and seeing the pink which should be red. Tasting the watermelon and realizing that I've picked a not-so-ripe one again. Why, God, why?! Summer melon betrayal.

Flora Fauna Dinner said...

It is 36° in London, where I used to live, and 16° in Edinburgh, where I moved OF MY OWN FREE WILL.

Waffle said...

Where you moved of your OWN FREE WILL and WITH GREAT WISDOM.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

A very frequently recurring thought cycle is "I wonder what time it is?" [checks stainless steel wristwatch, reflects sun's rays onto retina] "Aargh, I can't see!". I've had this wristwatch for 11 years.

Unknown said...

My main summer emotion is frustration because I cannot cycle, kayak, beach and garden at the same time. I love summer. Late winter is my penance. I also have no children still at home, which probably explains it.

cruella said...

Ellen above has it: frustration because there are so many Lovely Things that awaits and I a little too sluggish to get as many of them nailed as possible. First days of hols are rather frantic in a very domestic way; I rarely leave the house/garden but for a run or a swim in the sea which is 36 steps away. I'm freewheeling on that last days of work madness, so to speak. After four days I'm beat. Only frustration remains then, since I never seem to get anywhere, thinking all the time of my unworthyness since I'm lucky enough to have a house in All Swedes Dream Paradise.

frau antje said...

Summer Emotions (censored version) (for your protection)

Sparotenschade--When you take the water bottle out of the fridge and the surface clouds. Bleak.

Zoning law chagrin--Makes my face go full-whippet. It's vexation without representation, that's what it is.

Heat wave followed by 11 hour flight--This would be what? The turducken of dread?

I find alcohol absolutely essential, and I don't mean to sound presumptuous, but are you sure you're using it properly?

Lisa-Marie said...

Here are mine, perhaps more thoughts than emotions.

- it's too warm (anything about 18C). I am sick of being sweaty. This office is like a sauna.

- I just want to lie on my bed in my underwear. Oh hello, roasting hot dog lying on my legs.

- I hate summer. I look weird in summer clothes. I want it to be winter so I can wear layers. I miss tights.

- This train is airless. That person is too close to me.

- Summer food is rubbish. Nothing is cold enough. Salad is not as good as stew.

- Fucking sun and pollen.I am sick of sneezing. I would like to be able to see and breathe at some point in the near future.

Also - the duvet/sheet thing, the alcohol thing (gin or beer).

Anonymous said...

All what you said about impending death, plus

There is, at the worst of it, an eighteen hour window in which I can plainly see what needs doing in the garden, and in which someone might suggest cycle, kayak, and/or beach, or might take one look at me and think better of suggesting.

Sports Day at the primary school at the bottom of my garden (amplified, seemingly karoake-inclusive, and happening as I type).

connie said...

Mmmm. I love summer. Don't have to dress like the Michelen man. Where I live here in Australia, it gets very cold in the winter but we're not set up for it with central heating. Subsequently, it's a matter of having either a wood fire which I had in the last house I lived in but which I vowed never to have again - the cleaning, the dust, the hauling of logs around the now as I sit here typing, I'm rugged up with Damart long johns, long sleeved vest, jumper, trackies etc etc. and if I decide I need something from another room, I have to pop on a beanie, wrap a scarf around my neck and brave the cold. I love summer. Doors open to the verandahs, meals outside, chatting to neighbours, minimal clothes....

Patience_Crabstick said...

Everything smells bad.

I wish I could wear tights year round.

Why is my FACE sweating?

miss listless said...

Why Did I Agree to Do This It's Too Hot. Applies to anything.


1. Is This Finally The Menopause Or Am I Just Hot? Because No-One Else is Sweating
2. Europe! Haven't You Heard Of Air Conditioning?

Anonymous said...

Fake tan makes my knees look like ugly faces.

Need to stop buying overpriced salads from Pret every damn day.

Cracked my tooth on a Magnum ice cream. Sexy.

Sparkling Red said...

It's too hot. It's too bright. Please may I go back indoors now?

Loretta a/k/a Mrs. Pom said...

Why does the heat make my stomach swell no wait it can't be the "low fat" yogurt from Red Mango that I eat for dinner every night?

Stacy said...

I have nothing to add as I love summer--what a release from the never-ending winter of the northern plains. But you have commenters.ever. I'm not sure which I like better, 'the turducken of dread' or 'YOU VILE FELLOW-COMMUTING PARASITE'.

Waffle said...

This is the truth. Turducken of dread is my new alias.

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