Saturday, 11 July 2015

Hysteria

I was quite prone yesterday. I had to hand in my edits - very minor indeed but nevertheless causing me to question every single part of every sentence in the manner of a crazy person - and total hysterical collapse stalked me all day. The exhibits:

1. Got a letter addressed to our tortoise. "Big Mama" then our address. She's not going to pay her own vet's bill, mate! She's notoriously mean! (also: dead)

2. This exchange with my son.


I want to respond to everything with "it's life" now.

3. This story and more particularly the man's face, at which I could happily stare for hours.

4. Subsequent conversation with M about the possibility of my father punching a cheetah in the face.

5. Extensively quoted in an article about tortoise sex. My father would be so proud if he knew. No, hang on, he wouldn't. Maybe he'd punch a cheetah in the face.

6. My friend F is reviewing Purity and her descriptions of it have left me slack-jawed. Oh man, it sounds so awful. Loads of bad sex.

7. My friend B invented personalised Ru Paul's Drag Race lyrics for me ("may the best whippet win" featured) in the middle of a long email conversation about getting your face impaled on railings.

8. Tried to take a picture of my new glasses but I look like I've had a stroke in all of them. This is the best of a horrible lot:



God, I look as old and tired as the mummified remains of Ramses II (we went to a barbecue last night and my main food groups of the evening were gin and Kettle Chips - I don't even like Kettle Chips). I need an infusion of virgin's blood and a mouse placenta shot and five pints of botox, straight into the eyeballs.

9. Got trapped watching a circus display by six year olds (much face planting and dangerous low flying diabolo action) after my son's "parkour" (= jumping over benches) class display and also discovered the man in charge looked exactly like Karl Ove Knausgaard, then spent ten minutes trying and failing to take a covert picture of him, then several further fruitless hours imagining a parkour class narrated by KOK at interminable, self-loathing, masculinity-questioning length. If I had a tenth of a brain, I would attempt to actually write it, but this morning we have already got lost in Ikea and been to Decathlon (ugh, Decathlon, the place where performance fabrics go to die in rustling melancholy) so I am pretty much a spent force, creatively.

As is evident from the foregoing.

Percentages:

10% Nurofen Plus
10% insufficient concealer
20% Tea
10% Ikea straw hat regret (should have gone for the black ribbon not the white)
10% compensatory Daim pieces
10% Pâté ("summer pâté" from the cheese shop which sounded dodgy but turned out to be delicious. Incidentally the cheese shop are looking for summer staff. The only criteria on the sign is "Doit aimer le fromage", which is pleasing).
30% supine parental abnegation (I am the top three hits on the internet for this phrase, which was stolen from some sociology book of Prog Rock's, I believe).


You?

42 comments:

Jane Murray Bird said...

I just wrote a poem featuring the tortoise sex of my childhood summers. God, the gaping cry was NASTY.

Anonymous said...

I went to Picard in Waterloo and just nommed some gougères. Moreish. Thank you. I may have found a new 'thing'

CJ said...

Finally a job I am qualified to do. The whole tortoise thing is news to me, I shall be very wary of them from now on. And imagine what the giant ones are like. It doesn't bear thinking about. But very well done on being in the article, it's not something everyone can lay claim to. CJ xx

ellen kirkendall said...

The glasses are good, but why do you look like you are holding a live rodent in your mouth?

Waffle said...

Ahahahahah Ellen I think that is my normal face. Madevi has make the exact same remark about a different picture of me (I think she said "dead cockroach", but same same).

CJ - Tortoises are sex pests of the highest order.

JANE - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU WHAT KIND OF POEM IS THIS ACTUALLY I WANT TO READ IT NOW PLEASE SEND THXBAI.

Crazy Mom! said...

"Supine parental abnegation". Thank you for this. Now I have a good description of Saturdays with young children.

Ellen is right. Perhaps Smiling might help.

JB_Kiwi said...

Marvellous! You have just reminded me of my own forgotten compensatory Daim purchase at Ikea 2 weeks' ago. I will curse you tomorrow when I'm surrounded by a pile of empty wrappers, but for today, many many thanks.

nappy valley girl said...

Congrats on becoming the "go to" person for tortoise quotes!
I also saw your letter in the Guardian by the way, in the pet obituaries article. Well done!

tracy said...

I need a new job and I do indeed like cheese. Would fluent French be a prerequisite?

Waffle said...

Tracy - Meh, I reckon if they don't specify you'll be fine. The international language of cheese is sufficient.

Anonymous said...

I have a small tortoise and I have never even thought....

Love the percentages..

Barbie Chiu said...

Good day. I was very impressed with your wonderful article. I hope you can write more and inspire a lot of people . You can also visit my site if you have time. Thank you and Bless you always.

triciajoy.com

www.triciajoy.com

Anonymous said...

totally agree- if only we can say 'its life' to half the questions we get

agaricpro said...

Agaric Pro merupakan produk herbal yang bermanfaat sebagai Obat Ambeien karena banyaknya kebutuhan untuk Obat Asam Urat dan juga Obat Asma merupakan sebuah solusi Obat Batu Ginjal yang pada umumya banyak yang menderita Obat Batuk Darah oleh sebab harus di cari Obat Darah Rendah karena Obat Darah Tinggi sangat berbahaya jika dibiarkan kerana dapat menyebabkan dibutuhkannya konsumsi Obat Ganguan Seksual juga Obat Ginjal yang berlebihan Obat Hematuria hingga pada akhirnya kita konsumsi Obat Hepatitis dan juga Obat Hernia tentunya kita semuanya ingin menghindari Obat Herpes agar ketergantungan untuk penggunaan Obat Insomnia berkurang maka carilah obat-obatan yang alami seperti Obat Jantung, Obat Kencing Darah, Obat Kista Atau Miom yang benar-benar alami atau tradisional, karena biasanya kalau mengkonsumsi kimia seperti Obat Kolesterol, Obat Komplikasi, Obat Kurang Darah

agaricpro said...

dalam pemakaian jangka panjang akan menimbulkan ketergantungan tak hanya itu kerusakan organ tubuh lainnya biasanya akan dialaminya Obat Lemah Syahwat yang alami adalah merupakan sebuah pengganti dan cara aman untuk Obat Liver yang bisa anda tempuh untuk mengatasi masalah kesehatan anda. Obat Maag alami akan sangat dianjurkan sekali sebagai Obat Migren dan Obat Paru-paru juga Obat Rematik tradisional dan tak kalah pentingnya juga jika sakit pada gigi sabaiknya gunakan herbal Obat Sakit Gigi untuk menyiasati Obat Sesak Nafas, Obat Sinusitis Obat Stamina pada saat ini banyak sekali Obat Stroke, Obat Usus Buntu yang beredar dan jangan sampai salah plih, gunakanlah Obat Vertigo yang alami

SERENA WILLIAMS said...


My name is SERENA WILLIAMS, am from USA. i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man DR.EWAN brought my husband back to me, i had three lovely kids for my husband, about four years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i should not worry about it at all, so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i did them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully did what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that's why i want to say a big thank you to DR.EWAN spiritual temple. This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at:covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com, you can still call him on his mobile number +2347052958531 SERENAWILLIAMSuk@gmail.com

Ndan said...

I like this your aticle,, visit my site Later, thanks

2016 Suv Cars Site Review
www.oharerentalcars.com

Angela Bill said...

Thank you for sharing in this article. I can learn a lot and could also be a reference. I like this! Thank you posting relative information and its now becoming easier to complete this assignment
mahjong |geometry dash | hulk|agario| kizi|sniper games| minecraft| pacman
| my little pony games

Amlon Terence said...

dumpster rental mclean Speedy is the premier Northern Virginia and Washington D.C. dumpster service and "Contractors Choice" serving the entire metropolitan Washington D.C. area.

Agariofull Hau said...

Nice post, Critical things are explained in details. I appreciate it. Thanks.
agario
happy wheels
car games
pacman
plants vs zombies
solitaire

Emily Michael said...

Wow my Douglas is back to my life, this year is the most happiest year i have ever had in my whole life, am very happy because i celebrated the xmas with my lover Douglas who left me 2 years ago i have always loved him and always which to be with him again, but never knew that Dr Ewan is going to bring him back to my arms within 48 hours and not just bringing him but at the festive period. Am very happy my dream has come true.Am very happy and i know 2016 is going to be a great year for us. So i want to thank Dr Ewan for the great work which he did for me and if you need his help you contact him through: covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com, or call him on his mobile number he is always there to help you like he did for me, +2347052958531. Name: Daniela From: UK.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post I like it. Keep it

My Little Pony Games

Mincecraft Games said...

Great! Thanks for sharing the information. That is very helpful for increasing my knowledge in this field.
- minecraft games
- happy wheels
- happy wheels
- tetris
- brain games
- puzzle games
- agario
- abcya
- fnaf

Shooting Games said...

I must appreciate the way you have expressed your feelingsthrough your blog!. Click here to play
shooting games | dog games | fighting games | mickey mouse games

happy wheels said...

click to play happy wheels

mai lan said...

Let’s keep out sites for your child! click:
brain games | puzzle games | tetris | happy wheels | agario | abcya | fnaf 4
To play for free!

mai lan said...

And more games: happy wheels | super mario games | games for kids | pacman | racing games

Anonymous said...


Thanks, you guys that is a great explanation. keep up the good work in your granite blog !

- slither.io
- wings.io
- vanar.io
- lazerdrive.io
- diep.io

Ana Jackie said...

The greatesst joy in my life now is that my love life has been restored by this great man and the best i can do now is to tell the whole world about this great man. This great man helped me when i had problem with my boyfriend and now my boyfriend is back in my arms if you are out there and you need a right place to solve your relationship problems contact this great man Dr Ogudugu is the right choice. He is a great man that have been casting spells with years of experience and he cast spells for different purposes like
(1)If you want your ex back.
(2)To cure Hiv/Aids.
(3)You want to be promoted in your office.
(4)If you want a child.

Contact him today on his Email: greatogudugu@gmail.com

vertix.io said...

I just want to say : why you do not click to play
vertix.io | Subway Surfers

minecraft said...

Very nice. Posts shared useful information and meaningful life, I'm glad to be reading this article and hope to soon learn the next article. thank you
g9g games
a10 games
hopy games
yepi games
kizi games
friv games
4223 games
huz games
kizi new games
yoob games

puzzle games said...

Let’s keep are safe place to play the very best free games for kids! Please click:
slither.io | wings.io | happy wheels | abcya | fnaf 4 | games for kids | racing games to play for free!

Giải Trí Tổng Hợp said...

Welcomes to google terminal keep sharing such ideas in the future as well.
google snake this was actually EARN TO DIE
what i was looking for,and i am glad to came here! AGE OF WAR 2
Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while HAPPY WHEELS
I want you to thank for your time of this wonderful read!!! Slitherio
Amazing insight you have on this, Slither io This article always blew me BIG FARM

slither io said...

The best space for your child to relax!: wingsio | slither io | abc

Obat Kelenjar Getah Bening said...

Your website content nice nice and interesting to observe. I love and admire you
http://goo.gl/5RecZz

Desi Kurnia said...

News that you serve really interesting, I really like @ http://goo.gl/uxGWyH

Arni Hariani said...

Your website is very nice and interesting, the website may increasingly exist and no one Obat Kanker Hati Alami

Hermawan Alfaqih said...

The article you create a very attractive and its contents neatly @ http://goo.gl/rfI5OX

Eka Rahma said...

Your website content nice nice and interesting to observe. I love and admire you @ http://goo.gl/6bhNho

Mark Smith said...

Rolex Watches Authentic Mens & Ladies Rolex Datejust, President Watches for Sale at JavyEstrella.com.

Jasmine Thompson said...

The information you share is the problem I'm needed. Hope your new posts will bring more exciting for viewers. Please allow me to share:
Run 3 - Tank Trouble - baixar facebook

Tran Marri said...

head soccer is one of our selected free online games. Choose your favorite soccer team and win the Champions League. There are many famous game for youhead soccer 2 and soccer heads and Big Head Soccer or Big Head Football , big head basketball . head soccer unblocked and unblocked games are also interesting games.