Thursday, 11 June 2015

Minor complaints





Happy as a Belgian panda


I very much enjoyed Alexa's Ministry of Grievances post yesterday and wish to emulate. I have very little, substantively, to complain about at the moment, but I do not see why that should stop me. I'm pretty sure unjustified moaning about minor inconveniences is good for the soul, or something.

My grievances (mainly self-inflicted):

1. Uniqlo fuckery
I ordered this cheap and delightful sweatshirt from Uniqlo recently, as recommended by Alison, who is my oracle in all things 'how the fuck should I dress'. After considerable delivery toing and froing and frustration, I finally took possession of my cheap and delightful sweatshirt yesterday (£10,90! A small percentage cashmere!), wore it, loved it, realised I was too warm in it, took it off, then apparently dropped it in the street. Noooooooooooo. NOOOOOOO. I tried to get another one (financial responsibility remains an alien concept in this household), but was stymied by the death of my online banking access thingy, see 3 below. And now the medium has sold out, FML.

2. Is it a cold or is it hayfever? 
It's both, you're welcome.

3. Obstructive financial services harpies
Oh, I have to order a replacement for my broken online banking access thingy via the online banking thingy? But hang on, it's broken so how can I ACCESS online banking? You don't really care about that? I see, thanks. I've enjoyed our chat.

4. Credit card statements
HOW MUCH ON CUBES? My child does pay me back regularly for his Paypal-stravaganzas in cash, but as we all know, any amount of cash other than coppers vanishes via some strange alchemy like evaporating dew. Coppers, of course, hang around forever, annoying the hell out of everyone.

5. Exam season...
I know more about the fucking pulmonary circulation now than when I did biology myself. The correct use of niet and geen remain utterly mysterious, however. And Latin revision starts tonight, tristitia, I never got past Caecilius being in the fucking horta, so this will be ugly.

6. .. closely followed by 'that's your lot for education this year, kthxbai'
Once more, the eldest will be released into the community (= his fetid bedroom) as of this coming Monday, first to "revise" (bitter laughter), then for a whole week when the teachers have "conseil des classes" (which in my mind looks something like a Belgian version of spring break, with bikinis, barbecues and beer) even though the school year nominally ends on 26th June. The calendar I was relying on is a tissue of lies.

7. Chelonian woes
One of our surviving tortoises has been injured by something - a crow? The hedgehog? - and I am worried for it and concerned we will have to go back to the tortoise vet in Leuven at great expense and also have to tell the vet its name is Tortank.

8. Summer grooming ennui
I need to deal with my feet. Ugh. Also, I bought some body oil recommended by Margot Leadbetter in the comments recently but whenever it comes to putting it on, I am filled with weary futility. It's so sad I no longer believe in cellulite/firming treatments; it's a painful loss of innocence.

9. Teenager policing... 
.. is hard work, no one with teenagers, or indeed anyone who has been a teenager, will be in the least bit surprised to hear. I actually mainly love teenagers, who are funny and sharp, but christ, the responsibility, it's as bad as those awful first few weeks when you realise that your newborn depends on you for survival. Mine is pretty great in all sorts of ways, but he is still a teenager and I feel lost and confused and haunted by too much reading of Times Online articles about the awful things teenagers are watching/doing/taking.

10. Emails from travel PRs
The arrival of a new email in my inbox gives me a little shiver of adrenalin that is not entirely pleasant, because well, I am weird and anxiety-ridden. Sadly I get this shiver 870 times a day currently and they are all capital letter-studded nonsense missives such as "Hire Your Own Private Island At Conrad Maldives Rangali Island", "Swing Away With Hastings Hotels Northern Irish Golfing Breaks" and worst of all, "Park Hyatt Pays Tribute to Families With Sons + Father's Book Inspired By U2's Bono". These are all real examples from the last hour.


Lay your grievances on the comments box in their droves. No complaint is too petty (as I believe is amply demonstrated by the above).

21 comments:

Helen Greenwood said...

My minor complaint is that my left knee hurts. It only started hurting a couple of weeks ago when I decided that I needed to exercise and started 'Walking for Fitness'. The only time my knee doesn't hurt is when I am actually on one of my stridey lunchtime walks.

Tsk.

MargotLeadbetter said...

Funnily enough I am applying the body oil religiously, against my better judgement and usual slovenliness with beauty regimes. We have probably both seen the same amount of improvement though.

JB_Kiwi said...

I ordered a blazer from M&S online (so as to avoid the horrors of actually having to go in the car, into town, park, then talk to other humans etc), which I knew I wanted (I already have it in navy. This is black. I have all the colours), and some fucker has left the security tag on, so now I *will* actually have to go into town and deal with parking and other humans. Bah humbug. On the upside, last time I ventured into an actual M&S, the lady I spoke to at the returns counter delighted me with the story of her first customer of the day - who had tried to return a USED TOILET BRUSH. So I suppose there's always an upside...

Anonymous said...

Dear Waffle:
I am very miffed that the summer weather means it's too damn warm to resort to my usual upper-arm/ general cover-up device (a Muji blazer that seems to cover a lot of sins and which I have been wearing non-stop for months on end) so I am having to bare my thick white spotty cellulite-filled upper-arms in actual T-shirts, have my midriff (that's a thing, right?) bulge in all the wrong places and flaunt (in the Daily Wail sense of the word) every damn curve my body seems to have acquired and grown to large proportions over the last few months of Mujiblazerdom. It is NOT a pretty sight. I'm absolutely outraged that this warm weather is likely to continue for 3-4 more months.
I sympathise about the feet. God only knows why my skin is so fucking dry that my heels are all cracked and disgusting, especially in the summer. I won't mention the skin on the side of my foot that I find myself absent-mindedly picking at when I am procrastinating about doing taxes/ accounts. Every couple of days I pick at it too much and then I have to limp. Tres classy, I know.
I have yet another tax fine to pay, all the fault of that incompetent accountant (a couple of years ago now? Jeez!) It's not very large this time but I am dealing with this like I deal with all things difficult: by throwing it into a pile and hoping it will solve itself. I know things don't work like that, but I can't seem to change my approach.
My offspring has achieved very dismal grades in some exams, the result of headincloudiness, an acute focus on all matters hpotter and lack of revision. I am having to give out about this poor performance and it is not enjoyable in the least.
I have too much work and not enough time. I know it's annoying when people always say they're busy. But I really am. I'm exhausted and generally feeling pissed off. You might say my mood was "low".





Anna Maria said...

Thank you for giving me permission to whine, it's nice to have someone else, other than husband, to whom I can rant about being punished for honesty. Due to evil business deals, Netflix and Amazon make their paying customers wait ages for newest releases, whilst everybody else merrily downloads them illegally, for free. We can't do that because of my husband's job, so we are made to pay and wait, feeling like complete mugs, because the non-paying people have seen everything months before we do. Surely if I'm paying, I should be rewarded, not punished? Arrgggh...

Anonymous said...

Continued:
Teenager policing sounds very scary. It's there waiting for me in the near future, I'm sure.
I find it very tedious to have to check my offspring's ipod now and again. Last time I looked through its contents I found e-mails requesting friends to send scanned homework (hence dismal grades in same subjects) and texting messages at unholy hours of the night when said offspring should have been asleep. This called for parental lectures about being a responsible student and getting enough sleep. We can always hope for a change of attitude next year, I suppose. Broken trust about cheating on homework/ bedtime will take a while to rebuild. I'd much rather be more laid back about these things but I don't know how to do that so strict mother mode it is. There's a fine balance to be struck between giving out so that she doesn't "get away" with being lazy and disorganised and not coming down so heavily that discouragement results. I'm not sure if I have struck that balance or if I'm likely to. I have no experience with dismal grades and am at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed. Wise readers who have come out the other side of this preteen/ teen tunnel, please give advice if you may. I'm wondering about the feasibility of imposing revision in offending subjects during the summer.

That recaptcha thing asked me to identify all the wine. Now that's just unfair. I still have several hours of work to plough through before I can even think about wine.

Waffle said...

Anna Maria - I am also a paying mug, though through technical incompetence rather than scruples.

I also wish for guidance from wise readers who have emerged from the teenage tunnel.

Sarah said...

Oh Waffle, so good to have your moaning back. I did miss it. And the summer grooming pain! How should one's legs reveal themselves to the world: pasty white varicose-veined or stripy yet patchy fake tan-adorned ? There are no alternatives.

CJ said...

NOBODY DOES ANYTHING AROUND HERE EXCEPT ME. Will that do?! CJ xx

Anonymous said...

My right knee hurts Helen, but not through healthy exercise, mine's from being grossly unfit and picking up my 3 year old and carrying her because it's better than listening to her whining.
I'm sick of standing on bits of Lego when I try and enter my son's room.
My son can't find anything in his room - apparently not even bits of Lego - because it's a tip and because he couldn't find his arse with his elbow. How do you find your arse with your elbow anyway?
I keep getting distracted.
Like CJ - Nobody does anything around here except me.
Nobody listens to a bloody word I say and then acts surprised and injured when I get shouty. Except the 3 year old who just laughs at me.
After whinging about the lack of sun now I'm too hot.
I think that's it, but there may be more . . .

ganching said...

I read about that sweatshirt as well on TNMA but I couldn't find it in the store and then I forgot about it and now you have reminded me and I immediately went on line and ordered two of them. Please don't hate me.

ellen kirkendall said...

I might be the last person on earth who is still receiving penis enhancement emails. I do not have a penis of any kind.

My elderly dog is in dire need of expensive dentistry.

I have actually worn out my bicycle seat. I am confident that this model will no longer be available and my arse will therefore be in pain for at least a year while I try out costly and uncomfortable alternatives.

I loooove to whinge!

Waffle said...

Anon - You too with the foot thing? I feel comforted. I also often end up limping. We are gross.

Ganching - I hate you. Ok, fine, I don't. Much.

frau antje said...

I know a perfect corporate denizen who was raised in a cult, some teen years spent in your country, some in mine (where the allure of a cheap, easy driver's license led to over a decade of obscure residency and a nice job at a top law firm). So imho, you shouldn't worry too much about the teens, it all works out. Oh wait, same ex-teen now being vetted for clearance, this should be hilarious.

Let me know if your banking problems persist, I am an obstructive harpy mercenary. Geen shit.

Margaret said...

How much money is too much to spend so that you don't have to talk on the phone to obstructionist customer-service people? I have started throwing money at things I don't want to have to deal with, which is not a good plan given our lack of financial independence.

Also, I had surgery in March to remove a very large fibroid and I thought I would be skinny by now, but I am not because the surgery didn't remove my desire for cookies.

On the other hand, my husband just texted me a photo of a middle-aged guy carrying a large cat in a Baby Bjorn, so all is not lost!

My recaptcha is "I am not a robot"--which I'm pretty sure the robots could figure out.

Patience_Crabstick said...

Speaking of Uniglo, I bought some linen Ines de la Fressange pieces (drawstring pants, 3/4 sleeve tee, and blouse) and they fit oddly and I'm annoyed, but can't return them because I have worn and washed them. The shirts fit in the torso and arms, but they seem to have been designed for women who have the shoulder span of a canary. The pants have a distinctly matronly silhouette. I also accidentally bought a bathing suit top at Old Navy, thinking it was a sports bra, which also turned out to be ridiculously small. This, at least, caused much merriment for my teens and they demonstrated that the top fits our 50 pound hound perfectly.

Waffle said...

Oh, ALSO I have a massive rash on one thigh. I do not know if it's Margot Leadbetter's (well, Nivea's really) firming oil or just heat rash, but it's very ugly.

Anonymous said...

To continue my string of woe:

Offspring being obnoxious and difficult about HW. School is very strict but I am sorely tempted to back off and just let her deal with the consequences tomorrow.

Work is incredibly boring.

Overall, the day is shite.

Anonymous said...

Can I whinge by saying I was going to spend a Sunday afternoon reading something worthy and you've led me to RuPaul's Drag Race instead. Several hours later...

Anonymous said...

the dust! the dust! where does it all come from? why does it come back rIGHT THE VERY MINUTE after you (very occasionally, when people are imminently coming over) exhaust yourself trying to wipe it away? also very vexing is the way the many, many lego creations in this house gather dust tenaciously in their little nooks and crannies. usually I turn a blind eye since cleaning is both tiresome and also often damaging to the creations, which causes much disharmony. but when other children are visiting, they risk instant asphyxiation from clouds of dust/dead insects etc when entering the lego zone... so annoying pre- and during-visit guilt ensues.

also, the shopping. and cooking. and lack of ideas surrounding them.

plus! work expenses. why are there always some receipts missing? where do they go?

Anonymous said...

I work in the NHS and have to have an annual appraisal. Of course it's not a box ticking bureaucratic and rather Soviet extravaganza at all. This year, for reasons unclear to this appraisee, mine falls at 8 months. Mild remonstration that 8 months is not actually a YEAR then provoked an exceedingly discourteous and unedifying email response from the Local NKVD( sorry , appraisals office ) So annoying .