Thursday, 13 November 2014

Forty days: Pt 26 (32% battery and can't find the charger)

Today is brought to you mainly by relief: relief I didn't miss my train (it was a close squeak, though mainly due to my insistence on buying breakfast: food options at my father's house were some brussels sprouts, chilies, "rye wafers" and a bunch of thyme); relief L remembered to leave me the key at the corner shop so I didn't have to access the house through the basement crawl space tunnel/spider playground; relief that the dog didn't use my absence as an excuse to do anything horrific (as far as I have discovered, yet).

Crimes as yet undiscovered

Oh, latterly it has also been brought to you by rage and self-pity because SOMEONE ATE MY DINNER. I am roosting on one end of the sofa balefully, sulking. It was not a very thrilling supper (a breaded cod fillet, what, they are delicious) but IT WAS MINE.

I class this highly among domestic crimes. The worst domestic transgressions in our house, many of which I commit regularly (listen, we've only got 23% left, I slept about 4 hours and I've been doing this for 26 days, I know we're scraping the barrel here, and I promise better things soon, with the empty, silver-tongued promise of a furious harridan half watching Liberty of London as she types):

- only taking one mug/plate out of clean dishwasher, especially when your dishwasher is a useless bastard like ours that only warms the dirt on the plates up slightly;


- tucking single socks down the sofa cushions in manner of deranged hoarder;

- noisy licking of breakfast plates before 9am watershed (actually any licking of plates or any crockery before the 9am watershed. No. Just no.);

- unplugging/turning off/hiding the Roomba because it is annoying (it is annoying, useful but so annoying);

- FIDGETING while I am watching my programmes, especially eg. flicking nails against remote control or other repetitive noisy thing likely to bring deserved death upon you;

- Fecking with our temperamental tellyboxes which are almost as defective as the dishwasher;

- charger theft;

- Cavalier channel changing during commercial breaks in important programmes;

- Bin crimes (various, numerous, too numerous to list);

- Crap tea-making (poor milk control, leaving teabag in).

I will probably add to this list tomorrow as further outrages are perpetrated.

What domestic crimes are unforgivable in your household?


Anonymous said...

The free range house rabbit hates the Roomba and digs, flips, chases and growls at it (sometimes turns it on with her fat bottom and has a spin though). Roomba is unforgivable to her.
I bought some 'cod cakes' and ate the lot + all sorts of crap from the Brit shop in Everberg, because it was the only shop open on Tuesday and Delhaize appears to have forgotten about being a supermarket since early October. Hard to decide whether consuming Birds Eye and other dubious products until I fell sick is unforgivable. No. the Delhaize thing is worse.

Xtreme English said...

i only have one household sin that's guaranteed to bug me--slamming the lid of the toilet..just pushing it so it falls down rather than lowering it quietly. afraid of germs? gah. germs are everywhere.

I was going to say "existence" but that gives away too much.

Thanks, Ms. Waffle, for keeping up with this. It's very enjoyable for those of us with no lives of our own. :)

Mandy said...

1. Leaving coffee mug in the sink or on counter when dishwasher is empty.
2. Leaving the room with the TV remote and not bringing it back.
3. Leaving only a teaspoon of liquid n the bottom of milk jug, orange juice bottle, cream container, etc. in the refrigerator.
4. Snoring.
5. Not cleaning burnt cheese from the oven rack, so that it smokes up the house again the next time the oven is used.

I could go on, but I find myself getting angry just thinking of things!

Anonymous said...

Number one crime is definitely charger theft. Makes me mad just thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

other adult in the house carefully scraping about a teaspoon of leftover shepherd's pie, peas or whatever, into a large dish, covering it lovingly with clingfilm and putting it in the fridge. very annoying. also, stumping around in silly mountaineering boots insisting they are clean, while simultaneously spreading little flibbets of mud around the house. children - many sins I am afraid. often to do with the toilet seat. nail-flicking - yes! that too!

Bytowner said...

Certainly Mandy's no 3 teaspoon of refrigerated liquid. Travelling from room to room turning on lights, then eventually settling in furthest room to read a book while every light in the house blazes on.
Possibly most irritating is sons tipping back the chair onto the 2 back legs and balancing while looking at me calmly with slight smirk because this is known to enrage mum.
Am thoroughly enjoying the 40 posts Waffle. Really excellent.

Betty M said...

Leaving drawers and cupboards open after looking in them.
Piling dirty plates next to the empty dishwasher.
Drinking out of my glass.

Anonymous said...

Charger theft is a big one, especially when the other half takes it to work and is gone all day. We have about 4 chargers but they all vanish into thin air on a regular basis. I suspect they languish on his table at work. Same thing for earphones, I buy them and two days later they are nowhere to be found.

One thing that really grates on my every nerve is avoidance when it comes to emptying the dishwasher. Other half piles up dirty stuff in the sink, rather than open it to see if there is space for another mug or - horrors, if the clean stuff might need putting away. He also has a particular mug that can't ever be washed in the dishwasher in case it fades or something. That bl**dy mug spends its days dirty on the worktop waiting for him to rinse it out half-heartedly so a thin ring of coffee remains and then it's used again. I have sounded off about this millions of times to no avail so now I just give the mug dirty looks every time I come across it, cleaning the worktop around it but never deigning to wash it because then it would be added to the neverending list of things I have to do.

Another one that I find annoying yet he finds utterly baffling is that he doesn't open "my side" of the bed when he goes to bed earlier than I do. This means that when I eventually stagger into the room in the small hours my side is tightly closed and I have to yank at the duvet and rearrange the pillows. This wakes him up and then he complains. I have tried explaining that this could be avoided if he would open the bed properly when he goes to sleep but I am met with a mystified expression. What I generally do now is pointedly open "my side" of the bed early on in the evening but he never takes the hint. Am I unique in this pet hate? Also, does this mean I am uniquely passive aggressive?

Kids: my university age son has a habit of leaving his socks in a pile in the room when he's home. I used to nag, but he wisely told me that I would miss that little pile when he was gone so now I turn a blind eye.

My daughter is quite messy and I haven't been able to pass on the art of room-tidying so many things go missing at the worst possible moment and we have many frantic searches for all manners of things, from bus tickets to birthday invitations to essential pieces of homework/ music sheets. However, I can pretty much be sure of finding a charger and earphones on/in/around/under her bed.

I love your blog and this 40 posts-thing is better than Christmas.

Dale said...

I'll not be able to finish my dinner and announce, pointedly, that I'll just wrap it up, it will be a nice lunch for me tomorrow. Then in the dark of night the king of midnight snacks goes on the prowl (he claims that he does it in his sleep, that's why he eats things that he shouldn't). Maybe it's a little mean of me to find this so exasperating, but I do. There are not many places to hide something in the tiny standard issue Belgian refrigerator.
I also take strong exception to leaving lights on, if only because it would have been so easy to turn them off.
Otherwise it's domestic bliss, of course.
Please find your charger, I am so looking forward to reading you every day, it's a high point.

B said...

-leaving bl00dy dirty dishes/empty yoghurt containers ON THE COUCH.

-piling clothes/books/empty jars (? no, me neither) on his side of the bed so it is actually impossible to access.

-refusing to take the trash out so that by the time I realise what is occurring, it has been so compactly condensed by pushing it down it is a new solid.

-dirty pants. everywhere. why are they on my kitchen floor?

I do love him tho.

MrsH said...

I think one of the Anonymouses (Anonymi??) might be married to my husband, with his devil-may-care attitude to putting things in the dishwasher, so there is always a buttery knife or yogurty teaspoon lurking at the bottom of the sink. Our kitchen is the size of a not-very-roomy toilet cubicle FFS, just put things in the dishwasher!

See also: leaving kitchen cupboard doors open, every light in the flat on, and the bizarre habit of getting into bed with socks on, waiting 10 minutes then removing said socks and throwing them on the floor. Grr.

Stacy said...

I insisted we purchase a dishwasher for our apartment specifically because I cannot abide dirty dishes piling up next to the sink. If I can shove them in there, then I have the illusion of clean. So I can only chime in about how much it irritates me when the dishwasher has room, but there is a stack of cups/dishes next to it.

Anonymous said...

My husband is completely unable to close a drawer or cupboard door so our kitchen is like in Sixth Sense. And our pre-school age son has a mania for slamming doors. If ONLY the boy could reach, then they'd cancel each other out. I only have a few years to wait...

HelenB said...

scraping dried/congealed yoghurt crust into the remaining yoghurt in a large pot. Oh god I'm gagging as I type this

Waffle said...


Dale - This is pretty heinous. You need a hiding place in the fridge. Have you tried under something limp in the crisper?


The Reluctant Launderer said...

Just to say that I am TOTALLY addicted to Serial, I awake every morning desperate for some car-based, child-free errand - all the better to listen to a podcast in peace - and crawl into bed gone midnight every night, wishing I was a homicide detective in West Baltimore. (Actually, scratch that last bit. Wishing I had the time and disciple to pore over old crimes. Where no one died because I'm a bit squeamish.) anyway. Thank you Ms Waffle for the recommendation. As for domestic crimes- currently I am oblivious to anything, wrapped up as I am in this whodunit. (Seriously - who did done it??)

Anonymous said...

The shoes and the socks in the living room and dining room. Why?! I know why, I abandon shoes under the coffee table myself and then wander off. When I re-enter the living room I feel the warmth of righteous rage and then the cool down when I recognize my own footwear.

Chewing with mouth open (that's the kids).

Having loud arguments while I am trying to enjoy a leisurely weekend shower. (kids)

Leaving a bag of trash outside the back door. (This is me and it makes my husband ragey. He says it feels as though we are one car up on blocks away from hillbillydom. I don't intend to leave trashbags out for long, just while I'm busy doing something else.)

Anonymous said...

The rabbit doesn't pose for the paparazzi. I may get something from today's attack of my lop eared slippers (that look uncannily like her), but that's no way near as entertaining to watch. 6am is Roomba 'turn on with butt and have a spin time'. It's more like, get up and give me some treats o'clock.

Jess said...

Food stealing is the worst it always brings this to mind,
After I had been living with my partner for a few months he asked me if I had some sort of medical issue with my inability to close drawers or wardrobe doors in the bedroom. My number one rage inducer is when I'm asked the whereabouts of an object when the asker has not even looked or is perhaps standing in front of an open fridge/cupboard etc
In my childhood home the ultimate sin was opening a new jar/bottle/box before the old was finished. I am still unable to do this

Anonymous said...

I once dealt with a serial food thief in a communal kitchen by mixing washing up liquid into my yoghurt & resealing the pot. Whoever it was never stole from me again. But that was a strange stranger not my other half. And it's taken me 14 years to confess to that madness, anonymously!

Sparkling Red said...

My least favourite thing is finding half-heartedly washed dishes in the drying rack, with congealed oil and/or egg bits stuck on them. He hasn't done that in a while though. Chalk one up for successful nagging!

Kimberly @ said...

We have a garbage container in the cabinet underneath our sink. When disposing trash, I open the cabinet to confirm there is room in the container for the trash. If there is, I dispose. If not, I pull out the bag, dump it down the trash chute, and put a new bag in the container. Done.

The amazing and charming gentleman that I live with opens the cabinet and shoves his trash where he thinks the top of the garbage container is. If it is full, this pushes other trash onto the bottom of the cabinet behind the container. This means when I actually empty the container, I also have to pull out trash that has fallen behind it. Unforgivable AND unforgettable.

Anonymous said...

"Where is the [insert kitchen item here]?"

"Up above." (There are six up aboves in the kitchen and "it" is never up above.)

There is a drawer where oven mitts go. No one else who lives here but me seems able to see that elusive drawer.

Do not, please, yet again mistake the neckline of your tshirt for a dinner napkin, lest I drag you to the canal and let time wash your sins away.

Anonymous said...

ps I am enjoying your 40 days immensely - I have a November birthday and it feels like a present.

breakfastlady said...

I thought I'd be alone with the fact that my mob dutifully carry all their plates through to the kitchen and then leave them on top of the dishwasher. What is wrong with them???

Likewise thought I might be the only one who is driven insane by the leaving open of all cupboard doors, drawers etc. And also lids of jars. MrB makes the kids' breakfast (yeay him for that though) and then I have to screw all the lids back on all the jars (because of course, rather than everyone having one thing they have to have two slices of toast each, each slice with a different jam/honey/pnb/nutella combo), all the butter lids on, all the milk bottle tops on, all the sugar/tea/coffee jar lids on. Gah.

Anna Maria said...

So heartened I'm not the only one sharing their lives with someone who never closes drawers or cabinet doors. Though I'd already suspected as much having seen Date Night, in which Steve Carrell's character does exactly that - it was one of the most acutely observed scenes in any comedy, ever.
Also: underwear and socks left in random places; looking into a drawer in search of something, proclaiming said something is not there, so that I have to come and locate it, because - guess what - it IS there, just in the back of it.
I'll be as sorry when 40 days are over as when Serial is finished.

Anonymous said...

Husband: not removing plug from sink after washing dishes so I have to plunge hand into cold greasy water to release; never closing sliding mirror door on wardrobe so when I go to use hairdryer I see clothes instead of my own head
Daughter 1: stepping out of shoes en route to armchair then stepping over them forever; never closing drawers
Daughter 2: discarding clothes in the corner of whichever room she chooses to change in, often left behind door. Laundry baskets (3) are available; dropping jacket, school bag, etc. in front porch so it resembles an assault course
Son: no faults. Tidier and cleaner than me. He must have my genes :)
Love your blog. It makes me smile.

Z said...

Since my husband died, I live alone, so I'm never irritated, except by cold callers and myself. Peaceful here, mostly.

ephemerette said...

Kitchen crimes by my flatmate

1. Filling both the fridge drawers and all of the door shelves with various types of vegetation in brown paper bags, mouldy lemon slices and rotting herbs then allowing it all to start to break down and get sludgy.

2. Constant dusting of porridge oats, parsley and nuts on the floor. Inability to use a broom or vacuum cleaner.

3. Hoarding of soya milk and cans of tuna till cupboard shelves start to bow.

4. Leaving washed up dishes by the sink, Using other dishes from the cupboard, then washing and placing on top of previous dishes. This continues till either I put things away or there are no plates knives or bowls left. One knife mysteriously always left unwashed.

5. Leaving disgusting congealed food debris in the sink. Constant presence of a crumpled wet tea towel on the worktop.

Also,whilst I'm at it (oh I'm on roll now) never buying toilet paper, cling film, cleaning spray, light bulbs, hoover bags and the like. Stealing chargers. Never ever washing tea or bath towels. Like ever.

I love her as a friend but sharing a kitchen with her makes me murderous.

Waffle said...


ephemerette said...

I consider it on a daily basis, just haven't worked out how to hide the body.

Anonymous said...

Many of you are clearly married to my husband. How is it that I never see any of you around the house? We ought to at least meet for tea now and then.

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