Saturday, 11 October 2014

Some Reasons I Should Not Go Out

1. Age and its attendant increase in irascibility and decrease in inhibition is turning me into a public transport vigilante. I am irritated beyond all reason at the insistence of the commuters of Brussels on standing in a bovine fashion in front of the opening doors of buses, trams and metros, thereby impeding the egress of other passengers (me) and slowing the whole process down (I remember my friend B complaining about this when he lived in Brussels, so at least when I am setting my eyes to 'murder', I can think of him and smile). So irritated, indeed, am I, that I have started telling them to get out of the way. Seriously, people, you live in a capital city, albeit a very small one. BEHAVE. It would only take another couple of journeys in sub-optimal conditions for me to resort to shoving. I know, because I have previous with this, having once - heavily pregnant - lightly kicked a man on the platform at Liverpool Street. I can't really remember the circumstances or what had angered me (hormones), but he turned round and gave me a massive shove in the chest and then I went all "HOW DARE YOU HIT A PREGNANT WOMAN" on him, which was a bit unfair given I had started it. Oh god, I was a horrible, horrible person when pregnant. But even un-pregnant, I should apparently avoid public transport.

2. I started crying at a busker today. She was playing known tear-jerker Ne Me Quitte Pas (albeit quite erratically) on a violin, but I have also started to well up at accordions and even the man with the horrifying violin/trumpet hybrid, though that is through despair not sentimentality.

3. I have not lost any of my crazy person attracting mojo.

4. Outside is expensive. Especially because I have a tendency to buy unreasonable quantities of cake regardless of available disposable income (none, currently) just because I AM OUT and it must be celebrated.

5. If I go out in the car (ugh), I spend the entire journey in abject terror, partly because I have mislaid my driving licence so if anything happens I am in the shit, and partly because I AM A TERRIBLE DRIVER. Not dangerous, just dithery and pathetic and easily freaked out. Yesterday a policeman tried to make me move the car (they were filming a film at the hairdresser's!) and I pretended I couldn't drive and told him he would have to move it for me, hahahahahahaha. Shit.

6. Bad things happen, such as the terrible, awful meal we had last weekend from which I am still suffering (pretty sure it was One Legged Street Pigeon Yassa, not Poulet), or being scared rigid yesterday by mentally disturbed horse Cartolino and his enduring terror of doorways (Horse lady: why are you going slowly, go faster Me: I AM VERY SCARED. This basically encapsulates all our exchanges this autumn). NB and wholly unrelated, there is a horse at the stables that is actually called 'No Name'. Someone has a sense of humour.

7. Key incidents.

8. Outside is cold and rainy and I am stiff from full body terror on Cartolino and crampy from the Pigeon Yassa and I like inside. Inside has hot water bottles and Yorkshire Gold and you'd have to go a hell of a long way in Belgium to get a  Yorkshire Gold teabag and even if you did find one, they would have sat it in a too-small goblet of lukewarm water on a tiny metal tray with a speculoos and a tiny plastic pod of Belgian Millac Maid.

Reason I should go out:

I have watched a succession of soul-shrivellingly bad romantic comedies on Netflix, culminating in the shame-sodden (both participants and viewer) 'What To Expect When You're Expecting) and also because I cannot really remember how to speak to someone to whom I am not related.


You? Out or in?


JJ said...

Unfortunately out. I came home after three months away to an infestation of builders and have had to rent a desk at a co-working space full of lovely, friendly people who I look blankly at and ignore. I also have to go to the gym to take a shower and there are people there, again lovely and friendly and they speak to me which is awful. I think out would be quite nice except for the people actually. Or maybe if people were more unfriendly, apathetic and self-involved.

I am looking forward to three weeks from now when the answer will be in.

Patience_Crabstick said...

Also out, because my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are visiting for the weekend and it is raining and cold and I have to find something to do with them. We could go to a winery, but it will be crowded with braying idiots and I don't really enjoy wine tastings. I like wine, just not tastings at pretentious vineyards where it is raining. Or, we could sit on the couch an stare at each other.

Stacy said...

Definitely in, grading total shite exams. Seriously, if you can't even get a single point on the first page, then why are you even bothering? I don't teach at Harvard so expectations were not high to begin with. They sat in class every day when we talked about all of the material on said exam, and yet it's like no one had ever heard the first thing about the topic.

Xtreme English said...

I, too, should stay in more. two days ago, I told a big (fat) (asshole) of a suit to "Get out of the way" when he stood on the platform in front of the metro door--the waiting ones are supposed to let the arriving ones OFF the car before they bully their way in. Also, most of the people who get on the metro and just stand there, and neither sit down in any available seats or "move to the center of the car," as instructed, are MEN, wouldn'tcha know? as "I'm just gonna stand here so I can get off this hellish thing as soon as it stops where I want to go, and the rest of you who want to move in or out can go hang."

My attitude is sorely lacking in grace or compassion or even common sense. I should just stay home, but so far, anyway, I haven't tried to order liquor by mail. gotta go out to get it, and (some of) the clerks are friendly.

good luck to you, dear Belgian Waffle. you put our darkest thoughts into amusing words!!

mountainear said...

In Ludlow on Friday some random bloke belched in my face. In fairness I suspect he was having a surreptitious little burp and I just happened to get into his space. But 'bleugh'. That is the argument for 'in'.

BDM said...

Both, since it seems required to answer a question. In: splendid solitude, no-one bugging me (except my head). Out: observing lunatic life on the streets, and besides I can't make bread and vodka at home.
Dear Waffle: Never never never *please* ever not consider posting on your blog. Your expressions whatever the content strike deep within; I can't do without a weekly dose.
Hug, Brenda

Dale said...

Sadly out at least three hours a day to attend my horrifying "intensive" Dutch class, populated chiefly by morose Walloons who have to take Dutch for some professional reason but openly loathe it and whisper at every opportunity to one another in aggrieved French.
And then I am still employed, I guess, so there's that. Fortunately no public transport necessary.

frau antje said...


Yesterday's trip to capital city started with youths loudly mooning people on train platform, and very loudly etc., etc., etc. Sometimes I feel compelled to tell people that a cultural inability to stand up to one's own bullies has led to some nasty, nasty things, but then, you know, where I come from we just blow each other's heads off, at best. They did not get anywhere near me, and hence I am not incarcerated (yet).

You were right, that Nina Stibbe book is perfect for long haul flights. Especially enjoyed lies-fiction, My Side of the Mountain, and what it feels like to be German.

The midwest and I try to expel each other like foreign objects, it's bigger than both of us.

Lisa-Marie said...

Well, I have to go out, because work and walking the dog need to happen. And also because currently IN means doing an essay. Normally I would be very much in, because includes tea and blankets and Netflix and books. Scotland is having a rare crisp Autumn, so out is not bad as long as it doesn't include other people.

Margaret said...

Wow, I feel so much less alone in my dislike of humanity and desire to always be home. Yesterday, we went out to this supposedly-fun citywide activity thing, and I ended up CRYING in Grand Central Station, so awful and aggravating did I find all the awful and aggravating people involved in it. Good grief, can you imagine? Crying in Grand Central? Who does that? My sweet husband held my hand and said It's OK over and over while taking me back home. (It's mostly been a shitty bunch of months at work and I'm at the end of my already short rope--I'm not really that unglued all the time.) So, yeah, Team In.

Anonymous said...

In. Forever more, having had twins a month ago. I've left the house precisely 3 times in the last 2 weeks: for a GPs appointment, a small walk round neighbouring streets & once to hang washing out. I've been making sure to air the house every day to give me the illusion of fresh air. I'm quietly terrified about what will happen when my mom leaves in 3 weeks time & I have to get elder son to pre-school for 9.15. Kind of wish it really was forever more.

Nimble said...

In today consisted of despair and some crying about a professional development course. The final project was due today (Sunday) and I get to present the PowerPoint this week. I think I'm moving from sorrow to anger though and that should help me get through it. I want to hurl. Perhaps that would get me out of the presentation. This challenging new job is indeed full of challenges.

breakfastlady said...

I'd prefer some sort of in-out limbo at the moment. In: guilt about not doing any of the twelvty squillion horrid jobs that need doing (#1 - floor sanding bleurch) Out: the words that come out of my mouth = 'Let's go for a bracing walk along the beach' what we actually do = drive to Largs and scoff ice cream sundaes at Nardinis.

Waffle, I'm sorry about your horse fear. I hope you find some way to defeat it.

Anonymous said...

I'm actually stuck in the door because IN means the anxiety-ridden task of doing invoices/gathering receipts/preparing tax forms in a frantic countdown, while hyperventilating and regretting: my summer holidays and all the euros that were spent, ahem; the sorry state of my computer folders and every other folder/ filing system I have (i.e. receipts ALL OVER the house, the situation is absolutely dire, I should just collapse in a pile of tears). OUT currently means rain, umbrellas and people who are ill-suited to carrying them. I'll just stay on the threshold and try my hardest to disappear.

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