Today Stylist tweeted this list of "Ten Things That Are Scientifically Proven to Make You Happier" and they are egregious nonsense. I am already 10% less happy for clicking on it. Porridge? PORRIDGE IS A LIE. Floral scents? Most unlikely. Exercise, ha ha ha.
Here is my list of 10 things that are scientifically proven to make me happier. It's science, people. You can't argue with science.
1. A Gail's cinnamon roll
The bastard child of a croissant and a proper Scandinavian kanelbullar, this is the best innovation in viennoiserie ever (do not talk to me about cronuts, I spit on your cronut). Scientists believe it can prolong life by up to 3 years.
2. Mildly evil gossip
A gossipy email from a friend relating some gripe or news titbit about a third party increases my happiness by precisely 37%.
3. A cancelled meeting
Who could fail to be delighted by this gift from the gods? The cancellation of a meeting causes a surge of oxytocin and a feeling of complete wellbeing.
4. When your lunch companion decides to have wine
And the afternoon slides into mutually enabling drunkenness. Bliss was it in that dawn (lunchtime) to be alive. Lunchtime wine corrects serotonin imbalances.
5. Owl in a box
784% better than porridge. Scientific fact.
50cl of gin is bio-equivalent to watching images of tumbling adorable puppies whilst getting a deep tissue massage for 86 minutes.
8. Forgetting about this Tumblr..
....then remembering it and being delighted all over again.
9. Getting a seat on any form of public transport where getting a seat is not a given
Here I am, sitting, like a boss and unless you are old or pregnant or wearing a terrible Comptoir des Cotonniers dress I AM NOT MOVING, NONONO.
10. Getting into bed in the afternoon
I cannot confirm or deny that I have done that today, but if I did, it would be because it induces deep healing on a cellular level. (I only had three small drinks) (they were tiny) (what is wrong with me)
What is scientifically proven to make you happier?