Friday, 24 October 2014

Forty days: Pt 6 (Science)

Today Stylist tweeted this list of "Ten Things That Are Scientifically Proven to Make You Happier" and they are egregious nonsense. I am already 10% less happy for clicking on it. Porridge? PORRIDGE IS A LIE. Floral scents? Most unlikely. Exercise, ha ha ha.

Here is my list of 10 things that are scientifically proven to make me happier. It's science, people. You can't argue with science.

1. A Gail's cinnamon roll
The bastard child of a croissant and a proper Scandinavian kanelbullar, this is the best innovation in viennoiserie ever (do not talk to me about cronuts, I spit on your cronut). Scientists believe it can prolong life by up to 3 years.

2. Mildly evil gossip
A gossipy email from a friend relating some gripe or news titbit about a third party increases my happiness by precisely 37%.

3. A cancelled meeting
Who could fail to be delighted by this gift from the gods? The cancellation of a meeting causes a surge of oxytocin and a feeling of complete wellbeing.

4. When your lunch companion decides to have wine
And the afternoon slides into mutually enabling drunkenness. Bliss was it in that dawn (lunchtime) to be alive. Lunchtime wine corrects serotonin imbalances.

5.  Owl in a box
784% better than porridge. Scientific fact.

7. Gin
50cl of gin is bio-equivalent to watching images of tumbling adorable puppies whilst getting a deep tissue massage for 86 minutes.

8. Forgetting about this Tumblr.. 
....then remembering it and being delighted all over again.

9. Getting a seat on any form of public transport where getting a seat is not a given
Here I am, sitting, like a boss and unless you are old or pregnant or wearing a terrible Comptoir des Cotonniers dress I AM NOT MOVING, NONONO.

10. Getting into bed in the afternoon 
I cannot confirm or deny that I have done that today, but if I did, it would be because it induces deep healing on a cellular level. (I only had three small drinks) (they were tiny) (what is wrong with me)

What is scientifically proven to make you happier?

20 comments:

Laura said...

Coffee. Even when I have already had plenty of coffee.

Jessb said...

Clean sheets. Scientifically proven to improve the quality of your sleep (and thus tomorrow's good mood) by 56%.

Jo said...

40 days of posting from you! Sorry if that sounds a bit creepy but it is only Day 6 and you have made me laugh every day so far. It is tempered by the worry that I want you to get on with your book.

Crazy Mom Tats! said...

Good chocolate. Well, duh!

And a nap.

soleils said...

Singing, even badly, and I think it actually is scientifically proven. I am merely confirming this finding.

soleils said...

Also, my yearly two-hour nap. It makes me feel brand new, hopeful, benevolent, cheerful. This effect lasts for approximately 30 minutes, but it is extremely enjoyable.

Z said...

I recently took a kettle up to my bedroom and now, when I've been awake for a few hours, I make tea and eat oatcakes. This turns insomnia into a mini feast.

B said...

Daily posting on this blog. THAT makes me happier than 49.9999 cl of gin.

Anonymous said...

Fondue without maizena, a snoozle before said fondue, watching Breaking Bad on my own and laughing at the serious bit (are there any)?

frau antje said...

Actually, I'm finding that just letting loose and shouting "YA CUNT" is working wonders. So it's true, it makes you happier, booze or no booze.

M said...

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE ALL THE CREDIT FOR INTRODUCING YOU TO THE WONDER OF GAIL'S CINNAMON WONDER KTHNXBAI

Xtreme English said...

1. a brand new waffle post every day is making me lots happier. can't do percentages yet. it's too early.

2. gin...yes, indeed. i tried not drinking any likker at all for 12 days, then had two hefty gins and lemon. loved the drinks and never felt better the day after!!

3. the prospect of season 2 of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries coming online soon.

4. i don't know what a gail's cinnamon roll is, but I woke up this a.m. thinking of my mother's cinnamon & sugar rolls. i'm too lazy to make some now, but cinnamon toast will do! hooray for cinnamon toast.

5. merely the idea of shouting "YA CUNT" on the DC metro at the Capitol South stop.

6. autumn crocus

7. no rain for the 3rd day in a row.

8. 5 new photos of my great-grandsons

9. Trader Joe's cheese & bean taquitos (15 in a pack)

10. Trader Joe's speculoos biscuits.

MargotLeadbetter said...

Nobody wants to hear this, but I've been (more or less) off the demon drink for about a month and I feel loads happier *in myself*.

(I am not denying that booze is a winner though).

Betty M said...

Coffee sleep and being thanked for doing thankless tasks but that last has never happened.

Waffle said...

AND I AM GRATEFUL M AND 23% FATTER THXBAI

Waffle said...

Margot - No, you're right. I didn't want to hear this. Bugger.

Kat / An English Mamma in Stockholm said...

Oh, definitely the lunchtime drinking and the getting back into bed in the afternoon. And kanelbullar are most certainly divine but are trumped by kardamummabullar - replace the cinnamon with cardamom and I am in heaven.
Also, an Italian or South African red that doesn't give you a headache, and sneaking a shot (or two) of Bailey's into a bedtime glass of milk.
Why are so many of these alcohol-based? I'm not a lush, really.

Kat / An English Mamma in Stockholm said...

Oh, definitely the lunchtime drinking and the getting back into bed in the afternoon. And kanelbullar are most certainly divine but are trumped by kardamummabullar - replace the cinnamon with cardamom and I am in heaven.
Also, an Italian or South African red that doesn't give you a headache, and sneaking a shot (or two) of Bailey's into a bedtime glass of milk.
Why are so many of these alcohol-based? I'm not a lush, really.

Anonymous said...

Good grief, that's a very sweet looking mop head

Patience_Crabstick said...

Great list. So true about the gossipy emails. I have a friend who is excellent about sending me catty emails during the day.

Ghiradelli's milk chocolate chips cause happiness. Also: browsing the new books shelves at the library and climbing into bed the minute I get home from work and telling my kids that dinner is up to them.