Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Forty days Pt 10 (Ten Amazing Beauty Tips)

I think (hope, pray) that today is the worst I will look for this full forty days* and in the spirit of forty days perestroika I am GOING TO SHOW YOU. I do not care any more.

I actually look better sans wig, frighteningly. Maybe the giant pale dome is distracting.

(double chin cleverly concealed in folds of giant scarf, pro tip)

If you wish to look this fantastic, and who wouldn't, this is my routine:

1. Totally fail to get your eyebrow tattoos topped up in a timely fashion and wait until they fade to 1996's Brighton cowboy beauty salon orange, apparently-drawn-by-a-toddler catastrophe, the only eyebrow that never fades.

2. Get sick, so sick, sicker than you've been for several years.

3. Need to wake up at 4am to top up your Lemsip levels. Walk into a wall in confusion.

4. Rub your weepy, tired eyes repeatedly for several days until they swell up in pink lidded lashless confusion (ed's note: this is not very different to their normal state).

5. Fail to find any tissues for most of the day and be reduced to wiping nose with scratchy kitchen roll and terrible grey sandpaper Eurostar loo roll, ow ow ow.

6. Start absent-mindedly picking at the corner of your lips for no good reason with your extra sharp fingerclaws until they bleed. Then do it again repeatedly.

7. Pick at a tiny spots on your chin and nose with your sharp fingerclaws until they get much bigger and proliferate.

8. Consume only Lemsip, Ribena, gingerbread dinosaur, wine and feebly gummed Cheese & Onion crisps for two days.

9. Do not wear any make up, except some dried up gel eyeliner that your weepy, irritated eyes have mainly cried off.

10. Fail to bring any emollient/lip balm/moisturiser away with you except some dodgy fish scented day cream (again, this is not so different to normal regime, except there is usually some crappy lip salve in a drawer somewhere).

(I don't know how you can get a nose that shiny. I think I am just blessed, sorry)

(* I think I might actually look worse now than an hour ago, but it's marginal.)

I have a law meeting tomorrow. I'll have to get up an hour earlier to start layering on Secret Camouflage and mineral powder. Actually, I should probably start tonight.

How do you achieve your enviable look?


MargotLeadbetter said...

I can think of only one way to respond to this:

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down....oh no
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh, no
So don't you bring me down today

Ooh-oo-ooh etc

B said...

I just...jesus christ, you are amazing, brilliant, concise and hilarious. I have tried to, but can't, write any truer thing than that.

Mara Gaulzetti said...

My current beauty secrets: combine awful allergies (puffy eyes, raw nose and mouth breathing) with, excessive body hair, petulant toddler, porridge brain, body odor and 13 week pregnancy hog-body. Wrap in I'll-fitting threadbare pink flannel nightshirt, et voilà!

Claire said...

Always take your make up off, no matter how pissed you are

redfox said...

You are magnificent. I am just getting over a cold so I am not at the peak of hideousness I was a few days ago but I try. Greatest height of magnificence was achieved best by:

1. Have filthy cold
2. Have menses
3. Slice open finger with broken glass, head to emergency room with sliced finger firmly gripped by other hand. This will all give you plenty of blood to work with, as well as a generally nicely anemic look and very very dark purple undereye circles + bloodshot eyes to go with them
4. Wait a few hours to be stitched up, still gripping. "Have you got any fingers that AREN'T all covered with blood for me to put this blood pressure monitor on?"
5. Certainly no cosmetics, also no hairbrushing or shower (sorry: finger isn't to get wet, also deep laziness)
6. Oh yes, good and important note above: definitely excessive body hair.
7. Snot. Blood. Etc.
8. Oh you get the idea.

Hope your cold departs soon. They're so revolting to the spirit.

Sally said...

Ah, I love you - you're fab. I am Mrs Greasy, even at 40 years old, so I wake up covered in spots and with the most amazing shiny forehead...

I wash with Dettol antibacterial hand wash :) and I don't moisturise...

Maybe I should do something about my beauty regime...

Anonymous said...

Lard, I'm originally from Yorkshire and we are a big county for lard. Just cover my whole body in it really, its insulating properties are immense which is lucky as I can't afford to put the heating on and getting a wash is obviously pointless. Lard also an excellent body hair wrangler I've become strangely aero-dynamic bit like a baby seal that will probably get clubbed to death on the way to the bus stop.............

Lydia said...

I think you're beautiful and amazing.

Nellig said...

The thing is, with that porcelain pallor, those cheekbones and those Dietrich eye-sockets, you still look pretty damn good. Like a younger relative of Annie Lennox. Sorry.

If you want to get serious, try being 55 and having one of those migraines that makes your face flush red.

Anonymous said...

I think you're wonderful and amazingly talented. I really love your writing. Get well soon! :)

I would like to add "perpetually dry, cracked heels and weirdly hairy toes" to the list. My feet used to be quite dainty and unobstrusive but they seem to be looking for more attention the older I get. I find it really adds a Hobbitesque quality to one's appearance.

Like someone else said, sundry superfluous hair is also essential (I remember being a young girl and wondering WTF was "super" about body hair, in fact I am still in this quandary). In particular, this look calls for a continuous supply of dark hairs sprouting from the chin, neck, boobs and the weirdest locations on the abdomen. In the case of the eyebrows, new Grandfather-length hairs should start sprouting in an entirely different colour to the existing ones and if possible in a different direction so they grow against the grain. The new colour (bright ginger!) really livens up the original dull dark brown.

A squishy, prone to bloating post-kids mid-section is also essential, as it is particularly unflattering and adds a special touch of je-ne-sais-quoi to any silhouette, in any lighting.

Bitten-down, misshapen finger-nails add an extra touch of "have you noticed that I'm of a nervous disposition?", I find it's very alluring.

Split ends and rapidly thinning hair on the head are probably the counterpoint to the excesses elsewhere.

Double (or triple) chins tend to frame the face rather well, I find. Especially if you're going a bloated and moonish gaze.

But really, the thing that ties all of this together is an ashen-faced Celtic complexion with purplish hues, mottled blue on the legs and a severe case of dermographism all over the body so that any slight on said skin (for example, a mere half-hearted scratch) results in a panicked immunological reaction by the skin, raising welts that don't subside for hours. Mosquito and any other insect bites make for a very vivid play of colours and textures on this natural canvas. New freckles are also mandatory and a suntan is just NEVER going to happen, so don't bother ever trying.

Patience_Crabstick said...

I think you're gorgeous, and also brilliant.

My contribution to the beauty tips is to continue to scratch your psoriasis, especially when anxious, even though you KNOW people are going to start looking at you like you're a leper whenever you're lower legs are exposed. (At least it's almost winter so I have an excuse to keep my legs covered at all times.)

Anonymous said...

I second much of the above - certainly all the nice things, because you truly ARE beautiful, even if feeling snotty and a bit revolting at the moment. Not sure I'd have the brass cohones to let the internet see me without the heavy cover of slap I use to brave the world, so kudos!

Anonymous with the hobbit feet..oh me too, dear god they're horrible aren't they? I refuse to list all my other myriad physical shortcomings today, for they are both legion and insignificant to the mental turmoil of a BIG SHITTY week. It will pass, though the comfort of familiar varicosities etc are likely to remain and be pondered another day when I have the headspace.

Like many others have said repeatedly over the last few days, it is SUCH a treat to read you every day. You're like a distant pal I check in with before I log off last thing. I say "like" because otherwise it may feel a bit creepy and stalky to read otherwise.

Finally, I so hope your next riding lesson is a happy one and you carry on with it because it's so good for the soul.

I promised you photos of my neddies ages ago..I will do it sometime...they are all furry and stumpy-looking again. The graceful lines of summer have given way to solid silhouettes of endurance. And they broke out this morning and made me late, the bastards. Mmmm..scrumping...don't mind if we DO eat all the trees in the orchard...buggert he mouldy fruit, let's strip branches!


Sparkling Red said...

My nose is definitely 10 x more shiny than your nose. Definitely. So don't expect to run away with that Shiniest Nose prize; it's MINE.

cruella said...

I think you look both interesting and dramatic, so there.

Very happy I have no spots on my face since I have at last managed to stop manger les ongles and I know I can't resist even the faintest trace of a scab or bump.

Otherwise my looks rest entirely on the old truth "walk fast and smile a lot".


Xtreme English said...

seconding all the remarks on your fabulous look. 'sides, it's the mind that counts. you're still using yours!! Brava!! What a glorious woman!

Anonymous said...

*unobtrusive, even ;/

I hope you're feeling better. Keep up with the Lempsip and that hearty diet of essential crisps. Add some of those children's chewy vitamins that taste like sweets and a solid supply of Cola bottles and you'll be good as gold in no time.
Hot water bottle and warm duvet as well, of course.
Come to think of it, it would be glorious if I could come down with a rotten cold and be able to crawl into bed for a few days. Time to start actively touching bannisters on the metro and standing close to coughing fellow passengers on buses. I never get as much as a sore throat, more's the pity. I think my immune system is permanently on guard with its hackles up, hence the rampant dermographism and the never-get-a-cold-or-as-much-as-a-sneeze. Or maybe I just had all the varieties of cold virus growing up in the Celtic perma-rain? In any case, try to enjoy the downtime if at all possible. You could even be extra naughty and take an extra day off "recovering" to just read and sleep.

Nimble said...

I get up early to walk the dog in the dark. I think this means that I will not see anyone else while I'm out and I am always wrong. Tip: do not brush hair.

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