Thursday, 17 July 2014

Cowering

I promised M I would write something, but then I promised myself that I wouldn't write anything gloomy, so after some inevitable delay HERE I AM, ready to blind you with sunny positivity.

The builders have taken over the whole house which now smells of cigarettes and wet dog (they seem to be using plaster made out of mashed up wet dog hair, or indeed mashed up wet dog) so we have retreated to the cowering (this was M's auto-correct for 'co-working' and I have adopted it) space. I have been telling myself for approximately 3 years that I should go to a cowering space regularly, but inertia always gets the better of me. Only now, with 4 chainsmoking, garrulous builders, plastic film over all doorways in manner of a Dexter kill room, no light switches and repeated electricity outages, have I finally forced my sorry arse here and guess what, it is very good indeed.

Pros of the cowering space: 



Garden. Also features an aubergine with a face (or penis).

Silkie hens.

See faces of people I am not related to occasionally. Sometimes even speak to them.

Break from the terrifying screaming old lady in our street.

Vicarious coolness as cowering space full of mismatched vintage furniture and cool start ups.

Free breakfast on Thursday mornings (ie today) with cool start up people and mint tea using mint from beautiful garden.

An ice cream van parks outside in the afternoon.

Absence of distraction.


Cons of cowering space:

Absence of distraction = forced to face own shameful inefficiency.

Tedious luxembourgeois in loafers with no socks in next room SHOUTING.

Silkie cockerel also SHOUTING.

Ambient noise from trains, aeroplanes and enormous lorries as cowering space in light industrial hinterland easily rivals builders sanding walls.

Coolness and youth of fellow cowerers makes me feel like hideous resident crone. Thankfully, I have brought dog along, which gives me bonus eccentricity points.

Dog functionally insane due to Change. Does not deal well with Change. Also, tendency to pee on organic cowering space strawberry plants in full view of other cowerers.

Only lunch choice is the lady in the garage across the road who thinks hard boiled eggs are a crudité.

Plastic table hurts my delicate lady elbows.

Cannot take wig off when it gets unbearably hot (now) and air conditioning costs extra.

Have to drive there, which causes my habitual sweaty panic, even though I can actually now find my way without GPS. The car started beeping at me this morning and I became rigid with terror and had to pull over and call for help, only to realise that the noise was because the dog had set off the seatbelt sensor. I am forty this year.



On balance, I am in favour, if only for the sheen of social integration it brings to my essentially feral hermit's life: I am forced to (i) wear clothes without food on (ii) apply some basic make up (iii) sit at a desk and look like I am working, even if I am not, all of which are undoubtedly good things. Also, a kick-boxing social media type has just given me the details of a good osteopath.

Apart from that, I have little to relate. The sun has come out, the children are at a campsite in Normandy being theoretically supervised by their Sudoko-ing grandparents, and the opportunities for drinking gin on the sofa watching terrible television are numerous, if only I can peel the plastic film off the doorway to get in.


Percentages:

20% toeclaw shame (cannot find nail polish remover, cannot bear closed toe shoes in this heat)
20% Cos sack
20% Pain au chocolat
20% Sun-induced torpor
10% Ongoing horror at finding squashed flying ant in my bra last night
5% Caudalie Eau de Beauté
5% Holy shit my book, it's official.

You?

36 comments:

Jan said...

You are my new favourite thing on the internet! Keep waffling!

Anna Maria said...

Congrats on the book! I'll pre-order it.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, I am so happy for you, my dear Belgian Waffle!
Over the years reading your thoughts on your blog, I have marvelled at your beautiful writing and hoped you would publish a book.
Congratulations a million times over!

Anonymous said...

2016? 2016?! I can't wait that long, that's forever! Please keep writing, your Blog is my Absolute Pick-Me Up, and wonderfully written.

Anonymous said...

Woo-hoo! Look at you, burying the lede!
Congratulations - wonderful news.
Annette

Renia Edwards said...

Your book! Yay Waffle! I can't wait and hope you sell loads! x

kath said...

Emma! Book!! Woweeeeee. Are you having a party?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your book deal. Am looking forward to it.

Yep building work is the pits. Fingers crossed you do not have to endure for much longer.

Mongoose said...

A BOOK?! That is the best news. Congratulations.

Currently, I am 100% Ex-pat woe. Mostly due to the lack of M&S Simply Food in this godforsaken city.

Jo said...

Hurray! Thrilled to hear the news about your book,love your writing. Such a long while to wait though, use the cowering space lots and get it done early,please.

Marion said...

So HAPPY about the book!!

Xtreme English said...

Brava, Waffle!! Can't wait to buy your book, and I shall indeed buy several copies if it goes on sale here in the colonies when I have some $$ in the bank. You know how it goes.....

Glad you found a decent cowering space! What a good idea.

Anonymous said...

BTW, instead of cowering, you'll be needing another word that starts with a c and ends in ing:

CELEBRATING!!!

If you want to throw in a little bit of happy CRYING then that's OK, because this news has been a long time coming ...but no cowering please!

Anonymous said...

Chuffed to bits for you regarding the book, Waffle! Huge congratulations and will look forward to reading it. Love the silky chickens. My sister and I visited some baby Swallows this afternoon, all snuggled up in a nest, waiting for busy parents to feed them. They were THE cutest little things and made me smile from ear to ear. Take care, Ash :-)

Betty M said...

Yippees all round for the book!

Nellig said...

It's about time you had a book deal. Congratulations!

LS said...

BOOOOOOOOOOK! Please do a book signing in London. Congratulations! You are brilliant xx

Hanntopia said...

Aahhhhh your book! Hooray, very excited to read an entire book of your lovely writing! Would also like to read an entire book of percentages. Not entirely sure how that would work, but I'm 99% sure it would be amazing.

Sarah said...

Very very pleased for you on the book front, that's fantastic news! The squashed ant is still making me snort with something between laughter and horror.

Sonya said...

Congrats on the book, Emma! So pleased for you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Waffle I have also recently been driven out of my comfort zone / home / mind by building work. My advice is to tough love . Shield your weepette from the worst vagaries of change by committing him to day or even full boarding for the entire period. You think he loves you ? Let me assure you, as the loving owner of a paranoid rescued terrier - he loves knowing what he's going to wake up to in the morning even better. So - board the dog and take refuge on a rotating basis in the nearest library / cafe / bar. Worked for me !

Sarah L. said...

Hooray! Can't wait to read the book!

Anonymous said...

I am so delighted to read about the book! Soon can keep always in my bag for restorative paragraphs and give to everyone I know as a gift congratulations and well done, so much deserved!! Thank you so much for the delight your blog keeps giving too. Elsie

Bytowner said...

Fantastic, congratulations re book. Still loving your blog.

Helen Strydom said...

Congratulations for the book. I'm looking forward to more of your writing as much as I look forward to more blog posts. I check your page every day so as not to miss when you do a post.

Anonymous said...

Hooray and huzzah for your book! it will be SPLENDID - and eagerly anticipated by one and all... your writing is always an absolute treat, and it brightens up my day NO END when you post something new. I hope that getting the book in shape will entail much testing of new cakes.

chiclit said...

Waffle: a fan for 6, 7 years standing. Discovered you while laid off and without knowing it you have helped ease me through job and money drama, loss of my Mom and most recently rehoming my beloved dog due to my constant work travel. I have rooted for you and I am thrilled about your book news. You deserve much success!

Jane in SF said...

Congratulations on the book. I look forward to reading it and I hope you have another one up your sleeve. But please don't stop your regular blogging - "lady elbows", what a gem!

Patience_Crabstick said...

Very exciting news about your book! Congratulations!

The Reluctant Launderer said...

Wonderful, fantastic, brilliant news. You da bomb, lady.

Anonymous said...

One to make you giggle in your cowering space on Monday http://www.wimp.com/reflexeskittens/
Ash :-)

Flora Fauna Dinner said...

OH MY GOD BOOK SO EXCITED CANNOT WAIT!

Nimble said...

The word coworker reminds me of cows. Congrats on the book announcement!

Anonymous said...

So exciting about the book! I second the (implied) request to let us know when it's on pre-order. Amazon is being coy about it right now.

BDM said...

Such exciting news! Will try to hang in till 2016!

Éireann said...

BOOK??!!?!?!?!!!!! :))))))))!!!!!!!! when I am back we can have an immense CAKE with the ponies if you like, to celebrate!!!!! HAPPY FOR YOU xo