Saturday, 14 June 2014
The road safety armadillo
Woke at 5 today and couldn't get back to sleep. So far I have: forgotten what side of the road to drive on. Forgotten how roundabouts work. Mistaken another car for my own in a car park containing only 2 cars. Walked at full speed into a bollard giving myself a huge black thigh bruise. I also had to manoeuvre a 2 metre long box (no, not a coffin, a blind) into and out of car and I think that has exhausted my remaining scant brain capacity for the day. I am furious and floppy and generally a failed human being. This, exactly this, is why my worst nightmares are all about having unexpected extra babies: the sleep deprivation.
Whichever idiot brought a family sized bag of Daim pieces into this house should be shot. I don't know what is wrong with that person.
Uccle has been driven demented by the sun. My neighbour - not the really mad one, just the benignly if profoundly eccentric one - has added some important mods to his bench: a pair of crossed saws on one end and a book holding contraption on the other. He's now out there attaching a 12 inch record to one of the legs, for some reason. The ninja kicking granny walks down the street every morning around 10 and SCREAMS. There is a tortoise in my shoe (not the one on my foot). I walked past a grumbling hobo pulling a supermarket basket on wheels, glanced down, and saw that the basked was FILLED WITH PUPPIES. I just can't cope with the amount of crazy.
L's exams are next week and we are all suffering death by a thousand grammar exercises.
Once more, I spend the morning unblocking the lavatory with my untwisted coat hanger. Crazed with impotent rage and sleep deprivation, I storm downstairs.
Me: JESUSALMIGHTY WHY IS THE TOILET ALWAYS BLOCKED??
F: (not looking up from Minecraft) It's that thing
Me: What? What thing?
F: The thing with the carapace. What's it called... le tatou.
Me: The .. the ARMADILLO???
F: Yes! The road safety armadillo.
L (joining in, delightedly. He is also playing Minecraft in a nest of his own making, composed of pillows, single socks and biscuit wrappers): Oh YES! The road safety armadillo! I think they're both in there.
Me: Let me get this straight. There are two road safety armadillos in the lavatory?
Both boys: (rapidly losing interest. There are redstone blocks to be mined): Yeah.
Me: How would that even happen?
Me (thwarted, confused): Oh.
(This is the road safety armadillo. During the annual road safety talk by Cathy et Jean-Philippe, the local police officers, you get a fluorescent tabard and a small plastic road safety armadillo)
F's passport arrived, only three weeks after we sent it off, which is little short of a miracle, given the ongoing saga of the UK Passport Office Delay Scandal. I can't quite believe our luck. Now we can all go to watch my father get decorated with something elaborate at the Japanese embassy in a fortnight, which promises to be ... strange. I will report back.
I spent ten amazingly pleasurable minutes yesterday watching the chickens fight over a piece of cheese rind. Occasionally one of them would just forget why they were chasing the other and stare at the sky or peck around for a minute, then the chase would resume.
F and I can now accompany each other in a stirring* rendition of La Marseillaise on violin/piano. This is bound to come in handy some day. (*dubiously tuned)
Good discussion with my Portuguese neighbour about her children - and children generally - growing up. Hers were a GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE, with much weeping and lamentation, confrontations in the Parc du Caca and angst, lots of which I was party to, and now they are lovely. She especially enjoys the younger, gay one now, though she had a heap of trouble coming to terms with it initially. Now she is delighted, because his boyfriend is lovely and kind and gentle and polite and helps her out (he is - I met him last weekend and he was charming). This has made me really happy. There is hope for us all to survive the next 8 years of adolescence.
I have a giant choux à la crème to eat tonight, if I don't fall asleep with my face in it first.
This is a delight.
60% Foul mood of sleep deprivation
30% Pathetically stupid
10% Keen to celebrate World Gin Day in an appropriate manner.