Saturday, 19 April 2014

Tout est super génial*

Despite my fine words about treasuring the slow, mouldy, under-occupied holidays, I am currently hiding from my children in bed. F has decided, stubbornly, to be as bored and obstreperous as he can. L has a friend round and they are marauding like pre-teen hyenas. The jigsaw is stalled, perhaps terminally so. The children have eaten all the foods, so in desperation I made "Mexican spaghetti" for lunch, which was, I think we are all agreed, a new low. This is the only thing we've agreed on all day.

Ambient aural landscape:

- babyfoot (violent banging, like an enthusiastic unskilled demolition crew at work, punctuated with pre-teen shrieking).

- noodling plinky plonky jazz from arsehole neighbour.

- CBBC song about, I think, jam (telly).

- "En Apésanteur", dire French pop song (radio someone has left on and no one can be arsed to turn off).

- Incessant clacking of F's newest purchase, one of those awful Newton's Cradle executive toys.

- Oh, someone has just found the toy accordion. That's nice.

You can see why the bag of earplugs next to my bed is my most prized possession.

I just took a moment to remember my absolute worst Easter, to cheer myself up (not that I really need it,  I have finished half of my outstanding work and soon it will legitimately be time for a gin). It was 2004, a few months after mum died, and we went to Tetanus Towers, just me, CFO, my sister and the boys. We had to take seventeen cubic metres of plastic crap and baby paraphernalia, because F was about 6 weeks old and L was just shy of two: that dreadful time when there is always some absolutely vital thing you must not forget, without which all is lost, and which you forget.

It pissed with rain the whole time, often accompanied by glacial winds, which insinuated themselves into the gaps in the ancient windows. We spent all our time in the kitchen in borrowed fleeces, barring one trip to the Spar to buy nappies, because the Aga gave off some faint semblance of warmth, but the kitchen was a toddler deathtrap of uneven flagstones, fire, loaded mousetraps and other pointy and terrifying things. F was wholly nocturnal so I got approximately 12 minutes of sleep the whole weekend and my baseline mood for the weekend was delirium. L rampaged around breaking stuff and being a danger to himself, no one was really old enough for an Easter egg hunt, though we did make a disastrous, muddy, cold attempt. The only good thing I can remember is that we didn't fight because we were all too unhappy and exhausted to bother. I practically wept with gratitude when we got back to London. It's quite strange to think how much they love going there now and clamour for it, how little thought I need to give to packing and how totally I can disregard their safety on arrival. Yet again, I think how very much I like having big children (even when they have hounded me to my bedroom). Also, my father has made huge improvements to the insulation and heating, for which, much gratitude.


30% disinclined to get out of bed
15% outstanding legal work dread
10% experiencing unhelpful, narrow-eyed stubbornness.
10% trialling some very crap make up (of which 5% M&S gel liner disappointment and 5% creepy No theatre foundation)
5% Miller Harris Vetiver Bourbon
5% hideous fingerclaws
5% Obsessive repeat purchase of St Honoré eclair plotting
20% Looking at pictures of Herdwick lambs.

(*this is the French version of 'Everything Is Awesome'. At some point this week we finally went to see the Lego Movie, but I cannot give you much of my considered opinion on it, since I rapidly fell asleep. As, indeed, did the man next to me, but his snoring was way louder)

You? Memorably awful Easter? Percentages? Recommendations for low rent chocolate products I should try and acquire on sale after the event?


Xtreme English said...

ne pas genial

hunting online for flower/weed id. 25%, cute but what is it?
laundry 25% lost a sock.
bus ride, walking, to & from library & WF 25%
hunting online for alternative cures for high blood pressure, high cholesterol. 20%
unsuccessful calls/texts to g.f., who was reputedly on her way home. 5%

Anonymous said...

Good morning, Waffle.
90% full of delicious perfection that is M&S toffee fudge and belgian chocolate hot cross buns. They are the best thing I have ever tasted….seriously!
10% hysterics after watching episodes of Channel 4's Gogglebox. Resisted viewing until yesterday and am now a complete addict. Total rubbish but absolutely hilarious.
Happy Easter to you
Ash :-)

London City (mum) said...

Happy Easter Waffle!

10% stepping outside to rake up spartan leaves in garden as it started raining
70% eating BBQ lamb lunch with friends and drinking more wine than necessary
20% feet up and watching back episodes of Endeavour
with earplugs (so I have no idea what the cherubs are up to, but so far no blood or screams that I am aware of)

Bonus point: the kitchen is clean and tidy
Extra bonus point: OH has just made me a cup of tea


MargotLeadbetter said...

There must be millions of us out there, overexposed to CBBC. I instantly thought 'ah yes, the jam song, by the jam lady' and now it is in my head. It is displacing the sublime Adventure Time theme tunes, which we have watched an awful lot of since we discovered, 8 years too late, that we have had Cartoon Network all along.

Anonymous said...

Muji has the white piggy bank with a cork for a snout.

Waffle said...


Margot - Ahahahhahahaha we are doomed. We do not have Cartoon Network, except in French where it, like everything else (La Vie de Palace de Zack et Cody etc etc etc) is execrable.

nappy valley girl said...

There's a French version of Everything is Awesome? Is the whole song translated I wonder, or just the chorus. I'm kind glad my boys didn't hear it while we were in France, as they've only just stopped chanting the English version....

Unknown said...

ah yes, Adventure Time...we've just recently discovered it, it is the perfect mid-point of wonder for an almost-5 son and mid to late 30s stoner (oops I mean ex-stoner of course) father. I am neither, but it even offers this 41 year old female some weird kind of cartoon sustenance. It kind of has to be seen to be understood; yet it CAN'T be understood...?! (I promise I am not also a stoner!)

Xtreme English said...

MUJI!! What a find!

breakfastlady said...

Happy Easter Waffle (somewhat after the event)!


75% surprised delight that the entire four days was wall-to-wall warm sunshine
5% mild satisfaction that today is back to grey default for return to work
5% first day of term jubilation
5% Everything is Awesome earworm
5% relief that Everything is Awesome has replaced previous earworm - Katy Perry horse song
5% anxiety that our new-found decorator has mesmerised me in Rasputin-like manner into spending all our money on plaster skim and woodchip removal. I am plying him with all our very best coffee and so filled with gratitude that he actually turns up on time and does the job that I am in grave danger of just handing over the PIN number and letting him get on with it.

Waffle said...

Breakfast lady - I found myself fulminating at the radio about that stupid dark horse lyric yesterday.

No cork piggy in Uk or EU Muji. Lucky America.

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