Monday, 17 March 2014

Bread, no circuses

I had lofty ideas about writing something 'proper', but I keep running out of time (all that staring into space and complaining is very time consuming), so tonight will be another boring Up/Down of the past few days. Sorry. I am so dull.


- I waited 2 full hours for a smear test on Friday, during which time I am fairly sure I went through the menopause. Maybe twice. The atmosphere in the waiting room full of pregnant and peri-menopausal women was febrile with hormonal rage. At one point the gynecologist's brother wandered in and tried to engage us all in cheery banter. He was seconds away from getting shanked by a number of women with very full bladders. Two hours and €70 to be manipulated like a cow in a James Herriot book! Delightful. Hello and welcome to my aspirational lifestyle blog.

- Owed significant amounts of money which I must chase down, wearily, then hand in its entirety over to the Social Security people who continue to plot my economic (possibly total) downfall.

- Things the chickens have destroyed: EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. Giant, scratchy yellow feet uprooting everything that once grew (admittedly mainly dandelions and uncontrollable, insane sage plants). I have one tulip left and if they fuck it up, we are going to fall out, big time.

- My pudding is 10 days out of date. I am basically playing Bonne Maman roulette.  

- Terrible skin. March is always my month of terrible skin. Which is nice, because March is usually also horrible in many other ways. Who needs to leave the house anyway?


- No one is going to demand to weigh me for another 18 months (I NEVER EVER EVER weigh myself, because, who needs to know that shit, but the gynecologist insists).

- Chickens laid another egg (as they should, if they wish to continue scratching my flowers up. I like them really, destructive bastards).

- I went to a sourdough class on Sunday and made an actual bread! There was colomba (Easter Pannetone-alike) and two kinds of croissants and tiny glasses of artisanal hooch and we got to play with weird alien sourdough and it was excellent. My resultant bread both looks and tastes like bread, which is a first for me. BEHOLD THE BREAD:

Hideous late night light, as bread emerges from oven. 

Morning bread, which I am forcing everyone to eat whether they like it or not. "But I want cereal" "WELL YOU CAN'T"

I know lots of people know how to do this, but I am not one of them and any time I have tried, the results look like a dreaded skin disease grown in a laboratory, so yay for bread. I forgot to bring my starter home with me, which, given my nurturing limitations, may be a good thing. I have way too many live things to tend in this house already, adding a capricious, demanding, flour and water tamagotchi into the equation would have probably been unwise.

(Belgians, you should try one of these classes though, they are great - she's doing one on May 4th, check here)

- My younger child is relating the Minuscule film to me in minute, careful detail, in English, over several hours and it is strangely charming. "Then the black ants knocked on the ladybird with their antennae like they were making it a knight and it made a sound like a, what it is? The thing you hit? With a stick? Ah, yes, a xylophone", etc etc etc.

- Adorable baby fox is adorable.


30% itchy eye rage
30% white knuckle financial juggling
10% Facegoop plotting
10% Half watching the highly distracting midwifery programme, One Born Every Minute. I have many questions. Is the baby breech? Did you really just ask if that is a vulva or a face? How can you confuse the two? It is a face! All is well!
10% forgot to wash 'hair'
10% Terre d'Hermès Eau Très Fraîche (very nice).



Anonymous said...

Baby fox!!!! Adorable - thanks for sharing this!

Taxmom said...

I too had a Dr visit today, didn't have my insurance card, and had to dump the contents of my small purse out on the floor of the waiting room in order to scrounge up the $15 for the copay (if they had taken payment in Mardi Gras beads life would have been much, much easier). Hard to believe, but I was NOT actually there for mental health issues (this time).

Provincial Lady said...

50% waiting for baby to arrive; 50% hoping baby doesn't arrive before husband (@paralympicblade) gets home from training on Sunday; 100% NOT watching One Born Every Minute for reasons of preserving sanity..!!!!

Waffle said...

So wise, Provincial Lady, so so wise. Good luck!

Unknown said...

I am at a loss why Minuscule is still not available in the UK:-( From what you'd also written before, it sounds like it'd be heaven for my son, who is autistic and likes bugs.
Read only yesterday that they are considering switching to blood tests instead of smears in America, that'd be such a welcome development. Whoever invented speculum must have been quite a twisted person.

Waffle said...

Anna Maria! They are showing it on CBBC at the moment (not the film, but the shorts). 22 episodes currently available here:

frau antje said...


Possible new ventures include a script--woman destroys the online identities of her teenage children, to get back at her husband. Working title, Social Medea.

Also, an NGO--Loud Jerks Without Borders, that takes well-trained people from the first world and sends them where their skills are truly needed.

Saw a futenpaar performing a mating ritual. Looked like bickering while shopping to me, could have been a prenup, I await catching 'the weed dance' someday.

Don't know if this is an up or a down, perhaps a cautionary tale, but the last country I lived in had a saying, "Life is like a chicken coop ladder, short and shitty" (what? I should have stayed? These were my people?).

Dee said...

I may have sobbed a little when the baby fox let out a sigh of distress. Then I wanted to hug his savior, despite the disconcerting view of white hairy leg.

Dee said...

Obviously I meant 'cry' of distress.
Still a bit sobby.

Anonymous said...

Look at this treat in the Guardian today:

Unknown said...

Brilliant, thanks!

Léonie said...

10% trying not to eat chickpeas out of the can, 30% needing a wee 10% reproachfully gazing at the bins that need emptying 50% fear of being crushed by a lamp post.

I nicked your "down/up" format - I hope that's OK?

Also, I am coming to Brussels soon to visit my parents - fancy a coffee/gin?

Waffle said...

Léonie - I'm pretty sure I will have nicked it from someone else. and YES. YES YES.

Waffle said...

Anon - I know! I've been watching it pretty much solidly for 48 hours. It's no ohoe, but IT WILL DO.

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