Thursday, 27 March 2014

Allumez le feu

Shit, I haven't posted since Monday? It's not as if I've been gainfully occupied.

Judge for yourself whether these are ups or downs. There is little ambiguity, I suspect.

1. My neighbour has started singing along to his Johnny Halliday records.

2. I have spent much of the day chasing the chickens with a broom like a 1950s grandmother. They now spend more time confined to their generously proportioned chicken enclosure, but I am a bleeding heart chicken liberal and let them out for "variety" and "fun", which they reward by heading, with the pinpoint accuracy of drones, to the one square metre of the garden I want them to leave the fuck alone (it's where my Solomon's Ladders are trying to come out). Whose fault is this? Mine, obviously.

3. I have been screwed out of €41 by the paintball bastards.

4. Peanut the rat is on antibiotics at the vet's until the end of the week. We just got a postcard from L (soul of brevity) which says "Toblerones are 10 francs, do not forget Peanut". Little chance of that, my friend. I hope he gets home before L. Gah.

5. Lambing Live is enormously soothing. The wholesome curly haired woman keeps grabbing rams' testicles. There are lambs. Loads of lambs. Rolling Scottish landscapes. Chiselled men. I wish I could inject it directly into my eyeballs.

6. Still no one is answering my emails. (I do not blame them, they are not very compelling)

7. Mrs Bovary did the most lovely picture of me. Sigh. In my DREAMS I look like that.

8. Brain feels totally woolly, slow, confused. I spent all of yesterday laboriously writing 150 words on noodles. Are there supplements you can take that replicate the effect of a capybara kick up the arse? Crack, perhaps.

9. Daffodils are such good value. 2 quid, ten days of cheerful, no disgusting water slimage (hyacinths, I am looking at you).




Percentages:

20% Angry sinuses
10% Mild hangover
10% Yes, I'd love to work for a fraction of the rate I quoted you for that job because it's "good experience", silly me, I should have suggested that myself.
10% Pre-emptive Facegoop juice detox terror
10% Obama visit anti-climax
10% Lambing Live anticipation
8% Running away fantasies
22% Yorkshire Gold

You?

6 comments:

Emmyloucarey said...

20% hacked off with obamacopters outside bedroom window; 10% delusion that snacking on cheese constitutes a 'diet'; 20% guilt at amazon splurge seconds after paying off overdraft (it's NEW MONEY); 10% guilt at watching the Good Wife in evenings instead of writing; 10% of dread that impending light evenings will mean I feel I have to go out more; 30% procrastination (standard)

frau antje said...

The most efficient Obama visit is the bliksembezoek. In and out in an hour, for well under 400,000 euros, including NY Times front page shot of your number one tourist attraction (only an ambassadorship is cheaper, no matter the administration). Can't fault the realism, but would this work as well if you substituted The Night Watch with Manneken Pis? I'd like to see someone try.

Anonymous said...

Good old Berocca is your friend for woolly mind troubles. Take it for a week in a row and you should feel an improvement. Sleep is also good, totally underrated and few of us get enough of it.
Time to get some daffodils!

jen said...

Must figure out a way to watch Lambing Live from the US. Why are there no reality shows like this here?

@emmaloucarey, I'm relieved to know I'm not the only person who makes a splurgy purchase right after I get a paycheck and pay off my overdraft ;-)

Helen Strydom said...

When you said "words on noodles" I had visions of the words being on the noodles themselves (similar to "have your name written on a grain of rice"). Interesting article in April issue of Vogue UK saying juicing isn't all it's cracked up to be...

Patience_Crabstick said...

Speaking of the Obama visit, I just read on the Cake Wrecks blog that Belgium presented Obama with a life-sized cookie. I'd love to hear your thoughts on cookiegate.