Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Modern curses

May all your parcels be delivered by Yodel.

May your boiler malfunction on the Saturday night of a Bank Holiday weekend.

May your boss stumble across your Twitter feed on an especially bored and pissed off day.

May your juice fast never end.

May your Oyster card function on a five second delay.

May your signature lipstick be discontinued.

May your broadband be patchy and your bandwidth insufficient.

May you accidentally learn searing, unforgettable details of your parents' sex lives.

May your children be thick haired and susceptible to nits.

May the accordeonist always enter your metro carriage.

May your online dating site pair you repeatedly with your ex.

May your dentist become a holistic practitioner without warning.

May your walls be paper thin and your neighbours fond of adventurous sex and Sting.

May your checkout operative always require assistance with an exotic fruit with no bar code.

May your eBay password cease to function as you attempt to place the critical last minute bid.

May your online tax return vanish when you click 'save'.

May your Netflix buffer for all eternity.

May your Post Office queue be the one with all the garrulous pensioners.

May your bagging area hold an unexpected item in perpetuity.

May your sourdough starter perish (bobo curse)

May your contacts be wiped so you can no longer call-screen your exes and loquacious family members.

May your local pharmacy be staffed by hot young men when you need to discuss worms.

May the front page of your commute neighbour's free paper contain the spoilers you were so careful to avoid.

May the postman sneak away leaving a card when YOU WERE IN ALL THE TIME.

May the T-shirt you sourced in a Williamsburg thrift store be available in Urban Outfitters (hipster curse).

May you hit "reply all" instead of "forward".

May your pet develop powerful sexual feelings towards your favourite cushion.

Please add your own modern curses in the comments.


Anonymous said...

May your mother never understand 'what you do' but always wish to discuss it nonetheless.

May the guy on your train with the fold-up bike not shower til he gets to the office.

May your dresscode be forever 'smart casual, no denim'.

May your partner like sudoku.

breakfastlady said...

Hahahahaha. Good game.

May you always hit a red light just after you've overtaken a cyclist.

May your cling film ends be forever elusive.

May you always remember the thing you actually went upstairs for the instant you get back down.

May the large dogshit be forever lightly covered by autumn leaves.

May you be doomed to always sit down before checking whether small boys have been near the loo seat before you.

May your memory for your 'memorable word' be erased only once you get through all of the payment stages and need to remember it.

May you be eternally unable to prove you are not a robot.

frau antje said...

May you never be able to bring anyone's reptilian house into disrepute.

May they start referring to you as the Adèle H. of Europe, or just Les Mis, for short.

May you be slightly perturbed by the status quo.

May you have ears, the root of all evil.

May you have not been raised in the medieval peasant gossip system, only to find out it is the law of the land.

May you never live to witness the downfall of Hufterigheid.

May you piss off some god, and be forced to wander the earth, forever moving back into the 1970s.

May your reclaimed land be jiggled, and liquefy. Oh, what? This isn't a problem, because you've built everything with unreinforced brick? Okay.

greatbiglizard said...

May your query return no output

(The Admin's Curse)

Accidental Londoner said...

May you carry an umbrella with a busted spoke through the greatest storms of life.

May your seat on the bus be always in close proximity to the schoolchildren playing tinny music out of their phones. (The Commuter's Curse)

May your tights be pretty yet perpetually susceptible to ladders.

May you always step on the latest dead rodent offering in bare feet. (Curse of the crazy cat lady)

Patience_Crabstick said...

These are brilliant.

May all your flights have connections in Chicago.

May your carbon monoxide detector squawk through it's yearly test just as you have fallen asleep.

May your co-worker be scheduled for surgery for the same time you were planning a vacation.

May someone always be using the rowing machine when you get to the gym.

May the local high school girls' swim team be always changing in the locker room precisely when you want to change in the locker room.

May the public bathroom soap dispenser always be empty.

Ditto for the pot of half and half at the coffee counter; although the pot of skim milk will be abundantly full.

May your TV antenna fail just as Downton Abbey is starting.

Aspidistra said...

May you be the parent of a toddler just when you need to tidy the house

May the postman ring with a parcel just when your toddler has gone down for a nap

May you find you are out of parmesan when you are in the middle of making risotto

May you suddenly gain ten pounds and grow out of all your clothes, AND be too poor to buy any more

May your account go beyond its overdraft limit the day before the mortgage is due

May the perfect freelance editing gig be offered out of the blue, only for you to fail the editing test due to a misunderstanding

May you miss a deadline because you were wasting time commenting on blogs (albeit very good ones)

Aspidistra said...

May your successful IVF result in a ruptured ectopic pregnancy

Persephone said...

May your inbox and Facebook wall be full of urban myths, scams for free "unboxed" iPads, and essays and quotes misattributed to George Carlin, Bill Cosby, Mother Theresa, Mark Twain and Albert Einstein --all posted by well-meaning friends. (Someone cursed me with this years ago.)

May you leave something on the boil before going out for the afternoon.

May the bus you've just missed be ten minutes and early and the next bus ten minutes late.

May you be stuck in the "express" line behind the guy returning something and the woman buying lottery tickets. And the twit with nine items.

Lyssa Medana said...

May the fleas of a thousand feral cats infest your underwear drawer

May you fail to reach your phone just as it goes to voicemail, when waiting for a vital call and knowing your voicemail is not working.

Just found your blog through mumsnet - this is inspired! LM x

Ellie said...

May you buy a new dress, only to find it reduced in the sale the week after

H said...

May every beep your phone makes be a facebook game invite (especially when you are waiting for an important email).

May your store card points never quite reach the required total.

May your bus be always on diversion.

May your children be into Dubstep.

Anonymous said...

May BBC iplayer remove The Bridge Series 2 from its playlist when you've only watched up until episode 5 (arrrggggghhh! Why???!)

Lisa-Marie said...

Hah! The hipster one is my favorite!

I would add:

May you accidentally hit send on the Facebook message you were trying to delete,


May your most retweeted tweet be one with spelling/grammatical errors.

Anonymous said...

May the tax payment plan person make you feel like Ronnie Biggs. "But why can't you pay it in full, exactly?"

May your flight in a very distant country be cancelled, the airline staff evaporate, and your connection be missed so that you end up in a black hole of transit for 36 hours.

May you not have a front door on your apartment block that has just broken.

May you not have managing agents of your properties' common parts who make Ronnie Biggs look like a pussycat so that you would rather face Ronnie Biggs (when he was young and armed) than send them an email asking them to mend the front door.

May you not have a very funny blog that makes you giggle even when you are feeling very grouchy.

Unknown said...

May you let off a fart both window-shakingly loud and room-clearing stinky just as your beloved proposes.

May your pets piss in your slippers

May you leave your Facebook page open at work or in the vicinity of someone who hates you enough to prank you.

BadTemperedCat said...

May your comment disappear into cyberspace

May your earbuds be forever too small for your earholes

BadTemperedCat said...

Gah! I meant,

May your earbuds be forever too big for your earholes


Patience_Crabstick said...

I had to return, just to read more of the comments!

May your credit card become de-magnetized on the eve of your travels.

May the dog leash get caught between her legs just as she starts to shit.

May the shuffle setting on your ipod repeatedly play the Beyonce songs you thought you'd deleted.

May you be invited to late Friday afternoon meetings.

May all your emails come with read receipts.

May you accidentally drip mayonnaise on the diet book you borrowed from the library.

May your children remember to lock the front door on the day you forgot your keys.

May you be scheduled for an unexpected meeting on the day you wore striped tights and dansko clogs to work.

Anonymous said...

- May your trousers be perpetually tight around the waist (this is probably the worst of all).

- May your pets get lost in improbable places and urinate where you'd rather they didn't.

- May your Amazon purchases never be eligible for Prime delivery and may there be no possibility of tracking your package.

- May you be plagued by pop-up ads of dubious morals every time you go online.

- May gmail assault you with ways to reduce belly-fat on a daily - no, hourly - basis.

- May you always fly Ryanair, may your flight always be delayed and your luggage lost.

- May your child's pop music take over your Spotify.

Curses specific to translators in the modern world:

- May your deadlines be humanly unmeetable and your anxiety levels sky high.

- May your texts be filled with obscure terminology not listed in dictionaries.

- May your brain never retain the subtle details of mechanical components so that every spec sheet be a new nightmare, over and over again.

- May your translation memories be perpetually corrupt.

- May your clients demand that you only use Acr*ss software.

- May your brain be filled with useless terminology in several languages.

- May the exact word you desperately need remain on the tip of your tongue and never make the journey to the tips of your fingers.

- May you rack your brain in vain: day in, day out.

- May you make many mistakes and typos.

- On the one day that this happens, may your listless client notice them and complain.

- May your customers fail to pay on the designated dates.

- May they refuse to take your calls asking why and pretend not to receive the reminder e-mails.

- May the taxman refuse to allow you to pay your ridiculously high taxes in instalments.

- May your nosey gossipy neighbour wonder aloud what exactly it is you get up to all day at home with no visitors.

- May you twist a muscle in your eyelid when you roll your eyes behind her back.

Johnners said...

All this cursing is making me smile...

May you be incapable of stopping yourself correcting others' punctuation and spelling.

May your internet provider always be Virgin Media.

May your neighbour find another DIY project to start every Monday morning.

May your children's teacher always stop you at pick up with the words "have you got a moment...?"

May your bird table remain empty, no matter how many mealworms you put out.

May your children like minecraft so much they tell you about it, for ever.

Anonymous said...

May your Eurostar always be 59 minutes late.

May the ticket office queue always be filled with people renewing their season tickets and who don't know where they're going when you're in a rush.

May your colleagues talk only of diets and X Factor.

May your Netflix always be buffering.

May you always be saddled with a disinterested chav on work experience at 3:00 on a Friday.

May your cousins all have better jobs than you.

May your friends all have insufferable boyfriends.

Unknown said...

May it always rain for the five minute school run then the sun comes out the minute you get home

May there only be one left on the shelf on a Buy one get one free offer

May yours always be the bus that breaks down or the train that sits in a tunnel for 45 minutes for no particular reason

May a floor covered in Lego on a daily basis be your reward for having 3 boys

May going through the dirty linen basket at 8 am every morning looking for school uniform be a punishment for general crappness at handling a house full of boys

May passing out in strange positions with iPhone in one hand and glass of wine in the other be a daily norm

May driving in wellies be perilous

May technology rein in the form of iPads, tablets, laptops, and communication cease on all levels

May talk of minecraft send me to the edge of Beachy head

Unknown said...

Ditto for the minecraft arrrrh!!!! And for the teacher thing ! Sounds like my joyful life, lots of boys you too ? Xx

Scunder said...

May your valentine give you carnations from the local petrol station.

May your mother in law give you a Yankee Candle every Christmas

May you never have a pound for your trolley

May your cats choose to bring in live rodents during your morning off lie in

Bytowner said...

May you make eye contact with Bad Boss during his rant in the morning meeting
May you accidentally press 1 instead of hang up when you have won a 'free cruise' over the phone.
May your tongue suddenly find a new crevasse on your back molar
May your son always choose going to a lego movie as his birthday treat.
I am living the minefield curse.
Waffle, this is a brilliant idea.

ganching said...

May all the feedback you receive on eBay be passive-aggressive.

May Waitrose be out of ground hazelnuts when you walked to the store during a torrential rainstorm.

May your bosses be 20 years younger than you.

May your laptop die on the night when the last episode of The Bridge is showing.

May you never be able to think of anything witty to post on Twitter.

May all your clothes (and carpets and everything else you own and value) be savaged by moths.

The Reluctant Launderer said...

May you spend eternity with your partner and small children in Ikea on a bank holiday Monday.

May your every tube station be without functioning escalators and may be you have a full, screaming, double buggy.

May you realise that the way you look on Skype IS actually the way you look in real life.

May you discover a porcine knuckle bone at the very bottom of your vegetarian bowl of laksa.

Aspidistra said...

May your parents never boast about you

May you always have to ask for password reminders

May you always live in London on one, non-City, salary

May you always live in a culture at odds with your values

Alan said...

May all your Christmases be white.

Jane said...

May your nesspresso capsule explode in the machine every single morning

may your nineteen year old daughter keep failing her maths GCSE even though she has four a'levels so she can't leave home and go to university

May your cat be dyspraxic and piss backwards out of her litter tray

May your breasts which appeared perfectly ok a little while ago buy a one way ticket towards your naval ditto arse to knees etc.

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