Monday, 20 January 2014

Mutter, mutter


Ecover "Festive Cookie" scented washing up liquid (free, I would not deliberately buy such a thing) is not at ALL festive. It is vile.

Foul mood, half weeping, half self-loathing with trace elements of muttered 'I hate everyone' (present company excepted). I can only assume hormonal + the meaningless construct that is blue Monday + endless night/rain/murk + hugely ill-advised attempt at "healthy eating", after seeing some truly foul and unflattering pictures of my jowls and dry porridge face at the weekend. Jesus, I must never restrict my food intake, I become truly psychotic.

Children quite naughty this evening, especially during an idiotic stand off over sofa seating. I have not come out of this with much dignity or authority, especially during this part:

Me: Just move, will you.

L: Why should I? I'm sitting here now.

Me: You nicked his seat!

L: It's my seat now.

Me: Yes, well, that's not how civilised people behave with sofas (wow, great line, me. Sizzling repartee).

L: .... ('whatever, bish' face)

Me: L, you've got 30 seconds to move, or you're going to your room.

Nothing happens. 20 seconds pass as I sit looking pointedly at my watch. 

L: How long have I got left?

Me: (disconcerted) 5 seconds.

L waits another 3 seconds then shifts a slow, deliberate, grudging 20 cm. 

Me (impotently): Oh, very bloody clever.

Storms into kitchen to bang some pans. Is ignored by everyone. 

Oh yes, this was good. Woke up this morning covered in brown stains. Moment of terror, followed by the realisation that I had SLEPT ON A CHOCOLATE SQUARE. Have had to change the bed, most loathed of tasks. Also, who sleeps on a chocolate square and doesn't realise? This is no princess and the pea scenario.


I have made a nice fire and none of the neighbours has called the fire brigade this time.

A single optimistic snowdrop out in the garden.

Have not actually killed anyone.

We have managed to extricate the chewed up dog shit bag that has been blocking the washing machine for three weeks and it is working again, praise the Lord.

It is my settled intention to be in bed with a hot water bottle, my Elizabeth Jane Howard memoir (the Cazalet chronicles are basically factual, it transpires!) and NO chocolate squares in the next twenty minutes.

Oh, did you see the latest Facegoop? It's about our LEAST favourite beauty products. Highly therapeutic and a good comments thread, full of shared product loathing and relatively few people asking "did you get paid for this" (answer = no, but we got paid because you clicked on it, so ha ha ha).

A picture:

I came downstairs on Sunday morning to find that L had dressed the dog up as ... what? Someone from Geordie Shore? A World's Strongest Man candidate? God knows. Oddly enough, Weepette seemed totally fine about it, viewing the whole thing with far more composure than he views, eg, the opening of a cardboard box, or someone uttering the word "Right!". Peculiar beast.

Your Blue Monday verdict? 


km said...

sometimes I think we have the same children! with the same obsession (topgear..lord save me) the same demands and the same couch-fighting bad comforting for me (sheepadoodles are fluffy, thats for sure...even softer than they look too)

Waffle said...

km - That's comforting for me too... Sigh. Thank goodness for the canines, I suppose.

FD said...

I didn't know it was Blue Monday. Nevertheless, this is an acurate description of my day:
"Foul mood, half weeping, half self-loathing with trace elements of muttered 'I hate everyone' (present company excepted). I can only assume hormonal + the meaningless construct that is blue Monday + endless night/rain/murk" with added carb/fat/coffee binging and avoidance of getting meaningful (and paying) employment.

MargotLeadbetter said...

I hoovered the floor and did a 500 piece Wallace and Gromit jigsaw. I feel radiant with achievement. RADIANT.

Gappy said...

Blue Monday bollocks! I have sat, unwashed, on my sofa, drank endless cups of tea, and once I got up to put a load in the washing machine, realised I'd run out of powder, and then sat back down on the sofa.

So yeah. In your face Blue Monday.

H said...

I survived most of Blue Monday (I wrote a review! I did the shopping and the washing!) until a meeting (for which I have to go all the way from Elsene to Edge Hill) got switched, necessitating angry weeping at having to buy new and expensive train tickets and missing lunch with a dear friend.

frau antje said...


The usual brainless illegal bullshit by fellow residents of this province, which shall remain nameless (The Wild West, without real men, let's say). It's depressing, but haven't quite sunk to curling up into a ball in a corner of the couch, staring distractedly off into nothing (woe is me) (I have come damn close). Still. No. One. Dead. Whoops, that an UP, or so they tell me.

Your German is really coming along, but that second Mutter should be capitalized also.

breakfastlady said...

My Blue Monday conincided with smallest b-boy's birthday so was a cause for great rejoicing, tempered somewhat by having to spend the entire morning chez the gynaecologist.

I was, however, very very greatly cheered by this: . I think that the first part is one of the funniest things I have ever seen on the internet. I wept actual tears, but that might just be pent-up trauma of goings-on in the first paragraph. Anyway, I share it with you to brighten your Tuesday.

Anonymous said... Here is one of my favourite little books for children who fight over the sofa space!
Heather (NZ)

MontgomeryFest said...

Ha! This is great. Found your blog through the lovely Brussels is Boring and she's totally right - hilarity!

frau antje said...

Having to physically restrain myself from ordering a David Foster Wallace and Gromit jigsaw, can't shake it. The art work's already out there, of course.

Dale said...

For a work thing I had to speak German on the telephone for fully twenty minutes on Monday morning. Verdammt noch mal, that was trying. On the other hand, that all but insured that Tuesday has been blue skies and puppies, comparatively speaking.

H said...

I have just seen an item on Dutch TV about people cataloguing the birds in their garden and it made me think of you!

Also meant to say before - wtf Ecover?! Why would you want clean dishes to smell of food? And then to not even make a successful food-smelling-cleaner?

Park said...

Amazing. I once got in, pissed, and squirrelled away my advent calendar chocolate for the next morning under my sleeping husband. Christ knows why, but when he awoke he thought he'd been shot (melted chocolate and caramel having spread and matted his body hair, giving the sensation of dried blood). So you're not alone.

The Reluctant Launderer said...

I made a friend! Well, a nice woman invited me and my disgusting offspring to her apartment. I cannot imagine that will be repeated.
She had a dog who was wearing a nappy. If you thought that those don't-scratch-your-arse-collars give dogs a look of shame, you should see what nappies do to them.
So, all in, quite a good day really.

Patience_Crabstick said...

OH! I hope you will mention in a future blog post what you thought of Slipstream! I loved it and now I have The Sea Change on my nightstand, which I'll be reading once I finish The Goldfinch and Americanah.

On Monday, I got up my courage and emailed my boss to request vacation time in May. It is now Wednesday and she hasn't responded. I'm freaking out. Would she really deny me a vacation?

Siobhan said...

I also hate changing the bed. One of those annoying tasks that must be done every now and then so as not to be complete disgusting person, along with washing bathroom floor and hoovering the stairs.

Dara said...

I was just telling someone that the most stressful part of motherhood is the "refereeing of nicked spots on the sofa".
Bish face, indeed.

Anonymous said...

I just adore you. I even click on your links and buy stuff -EVEN though you don't have the 'open in new tab' command on your links and I am digitally whisked away from your wry and witty adorableness and have to back tab to find you again. Greater love hath no woman.

Waffle said...

Oh god, lovely anon. I am quite ashamed by that, because I find that click away thing so annoying but cannot correct it. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THE NEW WINDOW THING. Can anyone help me?

Patience - Oh my god, that book. Cyril Connolly's lemur. The carelessly dismissed second husband. The constant being fallen in love with. She's magnificent.

Dara - It is so true. And so endlessly annoying.

Anonymous said...

Waffle - apparently the newest version of Blogger should give you a tick box for 'open in new window' when you create a link. I wonder if there's a way to see this?

Don't faint - but I'm going to show you the html for a link, and a link opening in a new window.

For example - standard link:

< a href=""> Click here< /a>

And a link that opens in a new window:
< a href="" target="_blank"> Click here to open a new window < /a>

Waffle said...

*Breathes heavily* Thanks so much anon. I am going to try it. YES I AM.

Anonymous said...

Just checking in to say:

Anon - press Ctrl when you click with the mouse and the link will open in a new window. Alternatively, just click with your scoller thing rather than the mouse button.

Also. Chronic weekly-shop disorganisation has meant we have just finished our free Ecover cookie washing up liquid, despite our first words on opening it being 'that is vile; bin it'.

ghada said...

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شركه الهدى
شركة رش بالطائف
خدمات الطائف
شركة تنظيف بالطائف
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نظافه عامه بالطائف
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ghada said...

نقل عفش بالطائف
بالطائف شفط بيارات
تسليك مجارى بالطائف
تنظيف خزنات بالطائف
رش مبيدات بالطائف
نقل عفش بخميس مشيط
شركة عزل اسطح بالطائف

ghada said...

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نقل عفش بالدمام
شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام
شركة نقل اثاث بالخبر
شركة نقل اثاث بالجبيل
شركة نقل عفش بالخبر
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شركة نقل اثاث بالاحساء
شركة نقل عفش الجبيل
شركة نقل عفش بالدمام

ghada said...

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شركة نقل عفش بالخبر
شركات النقل البري بالدمام
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ارقام شركات نقل العفش بالدمام
ارخص شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام
شركة تخزين عفش بالدمام

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