Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Enormously stupid conversations of the day

1. I need a diagram

E: Oh dear. I just looked up the name of the fish I ate last night in English, which was called a "Sole Cardine" on the menu: "The megrim or whiff is a species of left-eyed Flatfish found in European seas", it says. "Left eyed flatfish"? "Whiff?" THESE ARE NOT GOOD WORDS FOR A RESTAURANT REVIEW.

M: Ahahhahahhahahahah, megrim.

E: What the fuck does "left eyed" mean. Doesn't it depend which way you look at the megrim or whiff?

M: Maybe he is one of those flat fish with just one eye on the side. His left eye.

E: Maybe. Who has decided it is his LEFT eye though? Isn't this a matter of perspective?

M: o -  -  -  <  The eye is there. On the left.

E: What on earth is THAT? I am collapsing in fish hysteria. I NEED A DIAGRAM.

M: A photo, you mean. Google him.




E: See?? If he was facing the other way, surely he would be a right eyed whiff.

M: .....


2. Father is in the cellar

E: Fucking Wednesday. It's always Wednesday. This afternoon = 45 Dutch phrases to revise. The only one I like is "father is in the cellar".

F: That's a good one.

E: Father has the right idea.

F: How do you say it?

E: Vader zit in de kelder, I think.

F: Or, you know, it's a confession.

E: YES. I think you're right.

F: Evil blonde child comes clean. Mother, on the other hand, is in the trunk (or boot as you say). Mother is cut up in tiny pieces and strewn in the canal. "MOTHER IS INSIDE ME. SHE TELLS ME THINGS".

E: "Moeder wordt gesneden in kleine stukjes en bezaaid in het kanaal."

F: God, it sounds so scary in Dutch. I bet Moeder is a right bitch. No wonder Vader's in the basement. Who can blame him. He's got his cider press down there, his cuckoo clocks that he builds.

E: His … mice? Tulips?

F: Windmills. Miniature windmills.


3. A Steve Jobs lizard would totally meditate

M: I keep on hearing good things about meditation. Maybe I should try it. When, va savoir. I barely have time to wash. 

E: Hmm, I know exactly what would happen if I did meditation. I would end up trapped in a cycle of repetitive thoughts about DEATH. 

M: I think you are supposed to not think about anything. Which is restful. Similar to when I am dancing, I think. It might be good.

E:  Yes. I get the principle. But my lizard brain would not agree. 

M: Ha. The existentialist lizard brain. 

E: Yup. In its black roll neck. Lizard in a polo neck. 

M: No no no. You are describing a Steve Jobs lizard. A Steve Jobs lizard would totally meditate. 

E: No, I was trying for a Sartre lizard! Maybe a lizard could wear a De Beauvoir style turban? No. Google Images has failed me on this. Hmm, this is the closest, but I prefer this

M: .....

5 comments:

MarkD said...

That's *definitely* a left eyed fish

Waffle said...

HOW DO YOU KNOW, MARK. Show your working.

Anonymous said...

Hi Waffle….I could not resist….

…yup, that is assuredly a LEFT eyed fish

Looking at the fish head on, with its mouth at the bottom, both eyes are located on its left side. If you turned the fish upside-down (with the mouth at the top), the eyes would be on its right side (but then the fish would be upside-down). lol

Ash :-)

Waffle said...

Ash - PFFFF, MOUTH ME NO MOUTHS. (yes. I see. Thank you).

H said...

Why not submit that fish photo as the entire review? It would certainly grab the reader's attention.

I saw part of a Dutch programme on Jobs, and the interviewed one of his college tutors who said he used to come in and sit at the only desk in the hall that had an electrical socket near enough to it to power his Mac. But then refused to show the interviewer the seat, for fear of people coming to visit it 'like a shrine'. Um. Ok.