Whoa, those pictures I did from my phone on the last post are HUGE. THE LARGEST PIECE OF STRING IN THE WORLD. BEHOLD MY STRING (it appears to be hyperbole day).
Hello. December 12th. Here are your advent updates:
Now this, this silver pen, is excellent. Terrible picture, but it's definitely my favourite advent gift so far. Tomorrow is a boring envelope, you are warned.
Here we have ... I dunno. A decoration. A very poor photograph, certainly; I was trying to keep my nails out of shot because they are genuinely disgusting. They are medieval hobo bad.
I'm on the way back from London. In a bag at my feet: 5 packets of Walkers Cheese & Onion crisps, 6 mince pies, 2 packets of orange jelly, a large tub of Cadbury's hot chocolate, some pomegranate seeds, 2 Malteser reindeer, a selection box of chocolate biscuits, a packet of Christmas crackers and a Twirl. I'm not even sure I like Twirls, it just winked at me when I was slightly crazed at the Tesco till. Also, I am actually spending Christmas in England, so why I think I need to import all this is an interesting (well, no, interesting is definitely not the right word) question. I used to do this all the time, swanning off to London and buying crap foodstuffs, but then I acquired a modicum of common sense and lost more than a modicum of income. I had a lovely time though, pretending it was 2009 again.
Now I am trying to discreetly eat a mozzarella and avocado baguette next to a serious, spreadsheet composing gentleman. There is no elegant, or even decent, way to eat a filled baguette, is there? I'm always surprised it's legal, let alone socially acceptable, to do this on public transport. Start off trying to be a grown up lady in a nice Max Mara coat, end up a feral snarling polecat, liberally dusted with flour and tomato flecks and drool. Is this France's poisoned gift to the world? Try and eat this, foreigners. Let's see how you get on you imbéciles. Other foods not to be eaten in the presence of strangers: filled bagel. Any salad with tendrils that can end up dangling out of your mouth like you're a carnivorous insect snacking on its neighbour on the Natural World. Hamburger. Add your own in the comments.
I have totally lost track of this week: all I know is that I am very behind on everything and corporeally, I am about 73% pestilence. I fell asleep sucking three Strepsils simultaneously last night and woke up sort of half choking on one, it didn't even work, I sound like an aggrieved seal when I try and talk. Being on a train in this state feels a little like being Gwyneth Paltrow in Contagion, except without the glamor, the butt of a 22 year old stripper, the kale, the Hong Kong casino high jinks or the death and post-mortem face peeling, or indeed anything except the filthy bark-coughing (what the fuck was that film? I'm still perplexed by what the point of it was. Why? What? Jude Law? Eh?) and the spreading of deadly germs through the population.
The rest of me is composed of unmetabolised carbs and unfocussed panic. We have no home for the remaining RAT for Christmas and the Rat Kennels (there is such a thing in Brussels, fascinatingly) is full. I have another social security bill to pay. Also, as of yesterday I have a hard early January deadline for ending the fucking around on the book proposal pre-submission, which is a good thing, but also a terrifying thing. Shit. You'll buy it if it ever exists, right? Not that I believe it ever will. But theoretically? It's full of death and fondant! All the good stuff.
Now I am going to bark forlornly in my bed like a walrus deprived of its bucket, whilst watching the fascinating Liberty documentary. What news of you?
(PS: TAXIDERMY MOUSE CHESS)