Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Season's greeting


I fell over on some slippery leaves in the park yesterday and everything aches and my hips have seized up and when I get up I utter an involuntary guttural squawk like an abandoned baby vulture and clutch my mid-section. I also have permanent eye strain and can no longer spy on the tiny brown birds in the garden (causing me to long for binoculars). I am officially 900 years old.

I downloaded a template for making an adorable vintage style decorated matchbox advent calendar in the middle of some holiday related psychotic break (these are frequent and prolonged in late Nov-early Dec, before I reach the crucial "fuck it" tipping point and get everyone a bar of Cadbury's Old Jamaica or a book they already own) and now I have to try and find 24 tiny matchboxes. If you try and buy that many boxes of matches people think you are either (i) a survivalist or (ii) a pyromaniac.

I do not dare look at my bank balance, which is a shame since I have around €1300 in outstanding bills to pay. I do, however, feel fairly confident it contains nowhere near that much money.

Younger spawn is in one of his phases of being obsessed with a ludicrous internet gewgaw. The cycle this follows is wearingly familiar:

1. Sees ludicrous gewgaw in Picsou/Science et Vie Junior/on Friday Download. (Current object of desire: a gyroscope. Previous objects: plasma ball, Ostrich pillow, magnetic putty, reading light with "eye" that shuts, etc etc etc).

2. Googles gewgaw obsessively. Talks, obsessively, repetetively, at length, about gewgaw.

3. Decides he CANNOT LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT, and certainly not until Christmas, without gewgaw and must spend own money thereon. Intensive, Which? magazine style trawl through numerous internet purveyors of expensive tat ensues, in which parental advice and opinions are repeatedly sought, and rejected. Settles upon object. Fails to include P&P in financial calculations for which aged parent is apparently supposed to then stump up.

4. Awaits, febrile, arrival of parcel. Asks every day when parcel is arriving. Checks letterbox repeatedly. Requests access to online tracking. Sighs, last thing at night, at how impatient he is for much anticipated, longed-for, precious gewgaw.

5. Gewgaw arrives, to great exultation. Plays with for approx 30 minutes, loses interest.

6. Cycle begins again.

It is a good thing he is very well-behaved and funny and largely charming, or I could be tempted to put him up for sale in Picsou magazine.

I am testing eye creams and I hate eye creams and they keep getting in my eyes and making them even more bloodshot than usual. Test result spoiler: I HATE ALL EYE CREAMS.

I am having horrible punctuation problems due to most of my current workload being French. In typographically correct French you have to leave a space before and after any punctuation mark that has two parts to it, thus : which is hideous, but once you are used to it, how do you stop ? You don't ; and English people think you are incapable of following basic rules (which you indeed now are, due to intense hand/brain confusion).


New Facegoop on winter skin, krakens and getting eaten by wolves at Hackney Wick, please to be clicking.

Two whippets walking together are a hilarious sight, like a mini peloton of simpletons.

Also on a dog theme, someone I know is getting one from a shelter and they showed me the site and I have stumbled on this creature:

Beretta! I love you.

This came out while I was on holiday and I LOVED writing it. I wish I had more jobs like this (yes, that would require me not to be such a craven wimp and go out and look for them)

It is snowing tonight (well, disgusting wet slushy stuff but definitely white) but the fire is on and I am going to have a bath and read the Cazalets and not work, inefficiently, for many half-arsed hours as is my wont in the evenings presently. That, or watch the whirling circle of doom as some telly programme I should have watched weeks ago buffers.


Horse ying and yang. What kind of horse-human relationship crisis was happening in the town centre this afternoon requiring a home visit? Mind. Boggled. I hope one day to be in the position to have need of his services.


Ilona said...

OMG! Have downloaded Advent calendar - will buy matchboxes - Awesome awesome - love the site.
Hope hip better!

Waffle said...

If you find maxi packs of tiny matchboxes tell me where!

breakfastlady said...

re Facegoop. I have always wondered why having hands like a Norwegian fisherman is considered a thing much to be desired.

Don't say I didn't warn you about the advent calendar you fool.

NickyB said...

This geegaw story reminded me of Calvin and his beanie in Calvin & Hobbes so much that I had to unearth my C&H volumes to try to find it - then got utterly lost reading them all. Bliss.

frau antje said...

You can see the whirling circle of doom from down there? It must be worse than I thought.

Not to start with the holiday music too early, but if you need something to make an advent calendar by, this goes well with disgusting wet snow (no you can't just use little baggies instead of matchboxes).

Waffle said...

Frau Antje - The meth soundtrack will definitely make it. I feel festive already.

breakfastlady - Hoary, gnarled fisherhands. Intensely desirable.

Unknown said...

In case you haven't seen it while catching upon returning:

Your hip may hurt, but at least you aren't on a plate?

Waffle said...

Ha! I was just including that in tonight's post which I'm in the process of writing. And we have all been pondering which costumes to purchase (SPIDER, CRAB, BURGER, TURKEY, STEGASAURUS, GAAAH ALL OF THEM).

Jonathan said...

I know you have written a whole other post by now but can I just say that the description of the younger one's relationship with internet gewgaws is identical in every detail to Frankie's... I particularly recognise the bit about parental advice being repeatedly sought.. and ignored. The brightly coloured but flimsy remote control car was a typical purchase... £13.99 I think it was, his entire savings... I found it forgotten under his bed the other day. Fortunately though F is also well behaved and charming and funny just like your youngest so we will definitely keep him!

Baby Einstein said...

Most birdwatchers get binoculars. I think the birds notice but don't bother to let on.

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