Saturday, 26 October 2013

Out of Office

We are off on our holidays. The dog has gone to the Ardennes for the week with a lovely whippet owning neighbour (they share the same "sensitive digestion" kibble, it was meant to be), I do hope he behaves. I do hope his stomach behaves. The rats are getting an occasional drop in visit from another neighbour. I hope the anti-social grey one doesn't die.

It is a proper package holiday to a hot place, which is obviously frightening for an anxious Celt who hates aeroplanes and gets heat rash in anything over 23°C. And is physically repulsed by sand.  I have attempted to prepare by removing the 8 month old nail varnish remnants from my big toes (I wish that was a joke) and putting on a new layer of "Dragon". I have applied fake tan of a dubious vintage and efficacy late at night assisted by a hysterical nine year old: I can't wait to see how that looks in the morning. I have tried, really tried until I couldn't see straight, to get all my work done and got most of it out of the way and my last act before putting on my out of office has been to harry the people who are still holding my money hostage after the Belgian postal service's non-boot delivery (god, this tedious business has taken months off my life but I will not let it go). My second last act was to upload a stock photo with the immortal title "disgusting looking woman with a glass of Pilsner" (I assume it was supposed to be 'disgusted', she looks perfectly pleasant). My priorities are totally right. I feel I am ready for this break.

I am not taking a computer and I'm turning off my phone (though I am bringing a paper notebook and will try and write stuff down for my return). I'm going to eat Groaning International Buffet for all my meals and read The Goldfinch and fret about getting freckles whilst getting burnt shoulders for a week. On current reckoning the children will mainly practise that stupid Cup Song and be sarcastic at each other and bitch about the absence of origami tutorials. It's going to be great. I will see you in a week.


Ellie said...

I got a pedicure yesterday, to keep my best friend company as she turned 30 (no sympathy, I'm older than that by far), and the lady giving it to me gave me many narrow looks, to the point where I was compelled to apologize for my feet. "It's all right," she said grudgingly. "I saw worse, once." Then a deathly silence fell. I also accidentally stepped on the push-operated tub drain with my vile feet and did not notice until all of the water was gone and she had to refill it, which she did with a certain touch of spite. It was not an experience I'm dying to repeat, and I highly doubt that I'll get around to bending over to take the polish off when it begins to chip, since I won't bend over to cut the nails when they begin to shred my sheets.

I wish you great joy of the holiday and best of luck with the sand. When we have beach holidays my husband always finds the jellyfish, or they find him.

Ellie said...

That was apropos of your toenail varnish, by the way, which might not be glaringly obvious even though it was in my mind when I wrote it.

That's Not My Age said...

I do love a hotel buffet.

SUEB0B said...

Holidays are funny. The hotel drain stops up and the waiter is rude and the food tastes like something has gone off, but we look back on them with such fondness because they are so different from our regular, unmemorable lives.

I LOVE Ellie's pedicure story. I swear there must be a module in Beauty School where they teach the art of the proper Body-Shaming Putdown. I especially enjoy the Looks of Disbelief and Concern that the beauty operators are able to produce at the sight of my eyebrows.

Blonde said...

Have a thoroughly fabulous time. x

mountainear said...

I imagine you might just be vaguely nostalgic (being an anxious Celt) for the first dark night after the clocks go back. Yep, tonight's the night. Dark just after 5.00pm? Rainy and ferociously windy too.

A proper package holiday in the sun, with or without toenails or tan, sound fabulous. Swap you my Welsh hillside anyway.

Patience_Crabstick said...

I hope you enjoy your holiday! Let us know what you think of The Goldfinch. I have it on hold at the library, but there are 54 people ahead of me in the queue, so it will be a long time before I get to read it.

CC said...

Ah, but Dragon - that should be a small source of comfort and joy to you when you see your toes in the discomfitting sands.

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Anonymous said...

Oh, please do NaBloPoMo! I miss you so much, can't wait to hear about the holidays you had!

Hexen und Schnecken said...

Please come back soon? I'm suffering from SBWWS (severe Belgian Waffling withdrawal symptoms) here.

Pascale Smets said...

Good luck without a computer- it'll be fine for you but may actually kill your children if they're anything like mine. We had a power cut after the recent storm and they were all perfectly sanguine about no heat or light etc.. it was the lack of wifi that nearly did them in

Xtreme English said...

SBWWS, indeed!!

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Xtreme English said...

fer chrissake....aren't you back yet??

magpie said...

This holiday seems awfully long. Come back please.

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