Thursday, 25 April 2013

Important Announcements

1. None of the following announcements is important.

2. The hedgehog is alive! On my third night's vigil (for which you may read 'having stayed up to watch the appalling, traumatic, savage spectacle of bears being bears narrated by Billy Connolly'), I went to put the dog out and there it was, sitting in a saucer eating food, very fast. Welcome back, ferocious small flea-ridden creature who is basically a spiky rat! I have missed you. Sort of.

3. I finally have new glasses and I am very ambivalent about them. Talk among yourselves a while as I attribute far too much significance to my new spectacles. My old pair of glasses - which, as I recently complained, I have had for about 6 years and which were becoming embarrassingly broken and smeared - were on the 'badass' end of the spectacle spectrum. The spectacrum. They may not have been the most obviously flattering, but they said "yes, punk. We are glasses. What the fuck do you want to do about it?" They were Qu'est-ce qu'elle a ma gueule glasses, for the Johnny lovers (= no one, ever).

These new ones, whilst not unattractive in themselves, are at the other end of the spectacrum. They are apologetic glasses. Owlish glasses. Dweeb glasses. Obviously, that set of adjectives describes me infinitely better than "badass". They are my glasses, they really are, but they make me feel a bit.. feeble, which is not really the vibe I need to be giving off more of (hello, incredibly ugly end of sentence construction). Then again, the badass glasses never really made me act like a badass, so I suppose I could always hope for a sort of reverse effect? I guess my real fear is people thinking I am even more pathetic than I actually am which would be really, really unfortunate, because HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.

No, I am not showing you a picture. I am ashamed.

4. The worst lunches of the past week in reverse order:

In third place: "Four large, dry, slightly reheated pieces of fresh pasta, unsauced and unsalted, with no accompaniment".
In second place: "Half a Snickers from the bottom of the bag my riding boots were in, coated in sand and hay, and some orange juice 'for vitamins'"
In first place: "A fistful of burnt, reheated oven chips that were left in the oven overnight, with a few dessicated baby spinach leaves, vintage unclear". I think the awfulness was enhanced by the simultaneous work disappointment and €10 000 social security bill ("we miscalculated your income"), but the whole thing conspired to make last week - and especially last Friday - very, very very grim. Do NOT eat reheated oven chips for lunch, kids, no good can come of it.

5. I have been shortlisted, very kindly, for these blog awards, as you may be able to see in the sidebar. If you are so minded, you can click on one of those sidebar badges and go and vote for me, in categories 7 and/or 18 and I will be very grateful. There is no pressure. The last time I asked you to go and vote for me in something was just about this time last year in those Belgian awards, and I ended up sitting drinking gin and crying and smoking on a bench and saying how shit I was at everything, so that went well. I would like to think I have matured sufficiently that I will take defeat a little more graciously, but I think we all know that is very unlikely. Anyway, I am not going to go on and on about it. Once is plenty. I will try and locate my long-lost dignity. Maybe it's in the bathroom drawer under those teeth and wigs.

6. An alluring offer from my neighbours:




What, the WHOLE breezeblock? Really? Are you sure?

And a horse emergency on the Avenue du Toison d'Or, right in the middle of town:


I'll admit, I was curious. What kind of equine emergency could there be between Paris XL and the FNAC? Might they need any assistance? I could see myself volunteering to help with Horse Secours. I would not be good at any of the parts involving hot iron, or indeed driving, but I could definitely do 'soothing noises' and 'carrots' and especially 'covert sniffing of delicious equine neck'. CALL ME.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just voted for you, even though I hold you responsible for the hours I've lost this week watching the owl chicks - currently busy snacking on some leftover entrails (the owls, not me).

I hope not having the word Mummy in your blog title won't be a hindrance, it seems to be virtually compulsory!

Jane in SF said...

Voted!

Xtreme English said...

Congrats on making the BIB shortlist, but where the hey is Whoopee?? (I suppose she's french or something)

Barbara said...

Voted I have done.

frau antje said...

My glasses project diplo/door mat. Sadly, this is misleading, and some of the coating (don't ask me) has chipped off of one part. I tell people it is actually a tiny map of Southern Australia, "See? Tasmania. You have completely misconstrued how pathetic I am."

Anonymous said...

Really good post. Merits an award in itself.
Tilia

Michelloui | The American Resident said...

I nominated you for the shortlist because you are my favourite blog writer in the whole universe. I marvel at how you can turn a humdrum experience into a really entertaining event. Best of luck! x

Dara said...

Voted for ya!!

Helen said...

Voted!

I hate buying glasses. The second pair of my buy-one-get-one-free offer just don't get worn. Other people like them but I hate them and it is MY FACE that has to put up with them. Can you take them back and swap them? Maybe they have an exchange period?

Yay for hedgehog!

Pat (in Belgium) said...

The ONLY glasses frames out of a "selection" -- and I use that word very loosely -- of some one thousand at the "Vision Centre" AND which didn't cost half a year's mortgage payments were a pair of black horn rims. I look like an extra from Mad Men (a MALE one!).
If I wasn't so freaked about hospitals in general & anybody near my eyes in particular, I'd get my eyes "fixed"...if that's possible when declining eyesight is due to -- ugh -- aging.

And now it's raining too.


Sorry.

Kate said...

If it's any consolation - I think that others rarely scrutinize as closely as we think. Case in point-when I was turning 40, with little money, many children and low self-esteem I decided to change my look by coloring my salt/pepper hair with the latest "eggplant" shade... the gray became a neon purple which no amount of shampooing, retinting, etc. would change. When my then husband arrived home to his lovely wife with red nose and eyes from weeping - he stood puzzled, then brightened and burst out - "you got new glasses - they're great!" You're great, too and I voted for you.

Anonymous said...

I really need to see your glasses. Why did you chose a pair you don't really like? Just wondering, not judging. I do it all the time but that's because i am a fuckwit.

Patience_Crabstick said...

I voted for you, and also for a lot of other blogs I'd never heard of in the categories you weren't listed in. I'll have to check out the other nominees. My job involves sitting in front of a computer all day, so I'm always eager for more blogs to break the tedium.

Peter said...

I voted for you. Do you win a trip to New York?

breakfastlady said...

I like how 'Ennouni' on the Horse Secours van sounds like a Gallic emergency services siren (Pink Panther moment)

Ohlala Maman said...

Long time lurker, just voted for you, and having looked at a few other contenders, realised why I read your blog and not other mom blogs! I have just started a place of my own to rant about hating Paris and possibly hitting the hair expo at the Quai Branly.

Waffle said...

You are all very kind for voting, especially when I am a feckless toad and have failed to update my blog for a week.

OhlalaMaman - Your new blog is excellent, I am adding to my blog roll.

Peter - No, but I am coming anyway! In November! More exclamation marks!

Anon - Hmm, I think it went something like this:
'So many glasses. How to choose? I like tortoiseshell'
'Here are 17 tortoiseshell ones'
'EWWWWWW THESE 16 ARE UNBEARABLE!'
'Hmm. These are less unbearable. The saleslizard agrees. I wish they would take those awful screenshots of me wearing bad glasses off their screen, it is embarrassing'.
'Oh god, they'll do'.

aisling said...

Voted.

I feel like there were a few nominations missing there. Why not the Laugh category?! Honest to god, your blog is the funniest thing on the interwebs.
I would also have nominated you for crafts ( Crabzilla ) & photos ( oh weepette. ) What even is "lifestyle" ?!

In other news, you came to mind the other day when I shouted at a Tiny Pony in a field. When it raised it's head to see who was obscenely trying to get his attention, I realised it was a giant monstrous dog! Who answers to "tiny pony"...

Waffle said...

Oh Aisling, you are too kind. Photography! HA.

I think a dog the size of a small pony is a worrying proposition. I would rather a pony the size of, say, a weepette.