I think I'm having one of those mid-life style crises you read about in mature women's magazines, where the person is photographed bare faced in a shapeless beige cardigan looking apologetic and faintly depressed before being zinged up and zhuzhed (sp?) and made to wear a deep V neck in some outlandish shade of purple and some flattering boots and glittery highlighter.
Elements of style crisis:
I used to be a trousers person, then about six years ago I turned into a skirt/dress person. Then I mutated back into trousers person. Now, it seems, I do not know how to wear either. I currently alternate between (i) a pair of old and not very flattering jeans (ii) Isabel Marant sand coloured skinnies when I emphatically do not have the body shape (= thighs) for skinnies, but I bought them so now I need to maximise wear; and (iii) a grey tulip skirt from Comptoir des Cotonniers c2006.
They are basically all stripy and having looked at some photos recently, I do not actually think the stripe is doing my matronly bosom any favours. I am confounded by necklines too.
Oh, this is the worst. Between top and bottom there is a sort of unprepossessing sagging, sausage like mid-section that looks very middle aged. This, of course, is what sack dresses are for. I should go back to the sack dress.
Today is fairly typical, though I am leaning forward and you cannot see the lumpy bosom (trust me, it is fully present):
(I make an exception for the man-repelling shoes. I rediscovered these in a cupboard after a good ten years of neglect and I love them)
I kind of know what I want to look like. I want to look like a Margaret Howell model crossed with an uncompromising Cork Street gallerist (though without too much assymetric Japanese nonsense). Instead I look like someone's mum who had an attack of amnesia on a trip to Jaeger then lived on the streets for a month. With an ill-fitting bra (is it ill fitting? I don't think it is, yet my bust looks all .. eh. Wrong).
My make up isn't working. I can't even quite identify what it is, just that what used to look good doesn't any more. My skin is definitely drier, my foundation isn't quite right, I can't find a lipstick colour I like. I'm "trialling" a bright pink one for Facegoop and it's nice, but it throws the rest of my scabby face into sharp and unflattering relief.
(i) I have developed a nervous habit of picking at dry skin and tiny blemishes on my face until they turn into giant weeping sores, which is absolutely delightful.
(ii) My wig is going quite badly bald and I am too impoverished to pay another £1000 for a new one. Given that the lead time for delivery is about 4-6 months, things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better. I will need to investigate hats, or something.
(iii) My eyebrows are fading (and when they fade they fade to a garish orange) and need to be tattooed again, but again, money, time, opportunity to go to London.
How does one turn such a personal style crisis around?
1. By devoting oneself to good works and ceasing to be distracted by the shallow blandishments of vanity. This can easily be combined with eg. growing a beard or becoming an anchorite. Possible future perk: canonisation.
2. By pouring one's energies into having a nice looking house instead (hahahahahaha fat chance)
3. By returning, chastened, to the forgiving embrace of the Cos sack dress. And possibly inventing or acquiring some form of equivalent Cos head covering.
4. Picture in attic.
5. Other? I will take any suggestions. Be kind. I am feeble and in possession of a sausage-like mid-section.