Technical Analyst for Fertilizers Europe
Hmm. I imagine this might involve some chemistry, but that should be fine because I have a GCSE from 1990. Also, in my lawyering days, I did once work for two frightening red-faced gropey slapstick German men on "Crop Protection" matters. Actually they complained about us, but I can gloss over that bit in my application whilst emphasising my extensive fertilizer smarts.
Communications Officer for the Nickel Institute
Nickel gets an undeservedly bad press* (*I have made that up, but I intend to say it very convincingly at interview). I could turn that around. I'll be getting Nickel on Twitter posting pictures of monkeys hugging teacup pigs. In my hands, nickel will become synonymous with PG rated fun, good times and LOLcats.
EU Timber Regulation Lawyer
I am already a lawyer! Well, I used to be. And I know what wood looks like. My feelings towards it are broadly positive. That's enough, right?
Public Affairs Manager for The European Container Glass Federation.
Container Glass. Presumably that's glass you use for containers, like Nutella jars and maybe even gin bottles. Container glass! What would we do without you? We would have to drink gin out of those boxes with taps on they use for wine (ok, we can possibly survive this particular domesday scenario) and eat Nutella out of those hopelessly tiny individual plastic serving pods you get in chain hotels. Container glass? I am ready to stand up and fight for your interests. I do not know what your interests are, but as your Public Affairs Manager I promise to fight for them like a mother weasel on crack fights for its young. As long as it doesn't involve any of the following: confrontation, talking to strangers, spreadsheets, Powerpoint, the telephone. I can't see any problem with this.
Communication Clerk, International Vine and Wine Organisation
I have a slight concern this role may not stretch me sufficiently, but I can certainly bring a wealth of experience to the organisation. There are "the red ones" and "the white ones" and "the fizzy ones". For you, International Vine and Wine Organisation, I am a safe pair of hands. Hold your own grape-stained ones out to me, and together we shall go far.
Policy Office, Council of European Dentists
I can't decide if the Council of European Dentists modus operandi is likely to be: well-flossed bacchanals at five star hotels at the expense of Unilever, or rather grimly bureaucratic examinations of European plaque patterns over 240 page position papers. Either way, I am not surprised you need your policy sorted out, Council. I would even go as far as to suggest you have an image problem and I can sort that out for you with my many creative policy ideas. First: there should be more and better drugs administered using methods other than "needle through the gums". Perhaps you could put the water coolers in waiting rooms to better use by filling them with some kind of peppily flavoured Novocaine punch? Second: warm up the water in those squooshy tube things. Third: where there is bad news to be conveyed, just lie. None of us actually like that 'informed consent' bollocks. Just do the necessary while using Magic Circle approved redirection techniques. "This? Oh, it's just a speck of dust. Just hold the special petting rabbit (this is my fourth policy recommendation) while I, er, dust it for you. Ooh! Look! A flying pony!". See? POLICY.
LEII Vice Consul
I have absolutely no idea what the LEII bit means, but how cool does "Vice Consul" sound? "What do you do for a living?" "Oh, I'm the Vice Consul". I bet you get a special hat to wear. Or maybe I am confusing it with "Grand Vizier". No matter. I believe this role is genuinely a bit like being mother to an entire community of British people on holiday or living or working in Belgium. I can do this. "Have you remembered your keys?" "Put the can of lager down". "No, that's not your passport, it's a joke book that looks a bit like a passport". "Say sorry to the policeman". 'That's dangerous, don't do it". "You need to have a drink of water and a sit down now". I have been a mother, of sorts, for ten and a half years now. I can do this shit in my sleep. No one has been seriously injured on my watch, or caused any sort of major diplomatic incident. I will call this a "proven track record" in my letter of motivation.
What is the least likely job you have ever been tempted to apply for? And what, secretly, do you think you'd be really good at if only they would give you a chance?