1. What will be the next owl and/or moustache? Could I predict it and make a killing? And actually, what came before owl and moustache, because I can no longer remember a time before owls and moustaches.
2. Why did I ever buy these fucking shoes, and why did it take me so long to realise they are viciously uncomfortable and half a size too big? (Shoes in question: Rupert Sanderson ultra pointy toed low heel dark red patent courts with a cutaway side. Beautiful, yet the purest evil in shoe form) Or have my feet shrunk? Do feet shrink? What other bizarre physical manifestations of galloping decrepitude can I expect in the next 10 years?
3. How much Lemsip is too much Lemsip, really? Is there any room for negotiation with these dosage indications? What, I suppose I am asking, is my liver's bottom line here? Also, in bed with my back mysteriously and painfully locked in Prone Crone position and my nose running out of control, is it acceptable to wipe my nose on the only thing I have to hand (a pair of tights)?
4. Why do I own this Zara tweed dress that looks like something a recruitment consultant might have worn circa 1993, and what on earth possessed me to wear it today?
5. Why exactly does the gulag need my mother's date of birth and maiden name? Is this "family tree" business a front for an audacious identity fraud sting?
6. Why have I never heard of this brilliant blog before?
7. Are my children really too old for conkers now (this because walking the dog I saw some brilliant, brilliant ones littering the Avenue Albert then I realised no one in my house would care and got all melancholy, because perhaps my conker days are finally over)?
8. Is current income : expenditure ratio viable? (I know the answer to this one, it is: no)
9. If not, what should I do about it? (Get a proper job)
10. How would I go about getting a proper job? (1. Get my entire dusty work wardrobe dry cleaned 2. Relearn all the law I have forgotten 3. Hire some kind of online hitman to erase my entire digital presence)
11. Could I thus afford to do what is necessary to get a proper job? (No)
(I run through 8-11 daily without getting to a better result.)
12. Why does my face look like the dermatological interpretation of Munch's Scream? Is it the Cleanser of Evil, or merely my essential badness coming to the surface?
13. Who is the man I saw yesterday aged around 65 sitting in the ice cream parlour at 9pm on his own, wearing a suit and reading the business section of Le Soir whilst eating an enormous sundae with chocolate sauce?
14. Should I give up Twitter, since it makes me twitchy and feeds my envy and inadequacy problems, but also makes me laugh enormously and in the past has actually been useful for work?
15. Why is the answering machine on this phone so strident and bullying and why does it insist on calling me up to give me the gift of (mainly blank) messages when I am three flights upstairs and really cannot be arsed to go downstairs and tend to it?
16. Where are the nail clippers (AGAIN)?
17. Where on earth am I going to write about for my 3 monthly 'Breakfast in Brussels' thing? Why are there not more nice places for breakfast in Brussels, especially ones in a postcode other than my own?
18. Why can I not reward my eldest son's new and frankly incomprehensible enthusiasm for getting a bank account by finding him one which gives presents? Surely all bank account openings are supposed to be accompanied by a branded nylon drawstring bag filled with pointless crap, but no, no Belgian bank is offering him as much as a Griffin Savers dictionary. How is this possible, banking industry?
19. Where am I going to find a cheap, chic, outer garment which is warmer than my €15 army surplus jacket yet not as full on wintry my MaxMara coat? Cos? What is the likelihood of me yet again not managing to find such a thing and ending up wearing the decaying Barbour jacket composed of a heritage blend of mould and rips and scented dog poo bags? (high)
20. Is it bedtime yet (This one repeated at ten minute intervals since 7am)?
What questions are you asking yourself today?