Wednesday, 26 September 2012

20 questions I have asked myself today

1. What will be the next owl and/or moustache? Could I predict it and make a killing? And actually, what came before owl and moustache, because I can no longer remember a time before owls and moustaches.

2. Why did I ever buy these fucking shoes, and why did it take me so long to realise they are viciously uncomfortable and half a size too big? (Shoes in question: Rupert Sanderson ultra pointy toed low heel dark red patent courts with a cutaway side. Beautiful, yet the purest evil in shoe form) Or have my feet shrunk? Do feet shrink? What other bizarre physical manifestations of galloping decrepitude can I expect in the next 10 years?

3. How much Lemsip is too much Lemsip, really? Is there any room for negotiation with these dosage indications? What, I suppose I am asking, is my liver's bottom line here? Also, in bed with my back mysteriously and painfully locked in Prone Crone position and my nose running out of control, is it acceptable to wipe my nose on the only thing I have to hand (a pair of tights)?

4. Why do I own this Zara tweed dress that looks like something a recruitment consultant might have worn circa 1993, and what on earth possessed me to wear it today?

5. Why exactly does the gulag need my mother's date of birth and maiden name? Is this "family tree" business a front for an audacious identity fraud sting?

6. Why have I never heard of this brilliant blog before?

7. Are my children really too old for conkers now (this because walking the dog I saw some brilliant, brilliant ones littering the Avenue Albert then I realised no one in my house would care and got all melancholy, because perhaps my conker days are finally over)?

8. Is current income : expenditure ratio viable? (I know the answer to this one, it is: no)

9. If not, what should I do about it? (Get a proper job)

10. How would I go about getting a proper job? (1. Get my entire dusty work wardrobe dry cleaned 2. Relearn all the law I have forgotten 3. Hire some kind of online hitman to erase my entire digital presence)

11. Could I thus afford to do what is necessary to get a proper job? (No)

(I run through 8-11 daily without getting to a better result.)

12. Why does my face look like the dermatological interpretation of Munch's Scream? Is it the Cleanser of Evil, or merely my essential badness coming to the surface?

13. Who is the man I saw yesterday aged around 65 sitting in the ice cream parlour at 9pm on his own, wearing a suit and reading the business section of Le Soir whilst eating an enormous sundae with chocolate sauce?

14. Should I give up Twitter, since it makes me twitchy and feeds my envy and inadequacy problems, but also makes me laugh enormously and in the past has actually been useful for work?

15. Why is the answering machine on this phone so strident and bullying and why does it insist on calling me up to give me the gift of (mainly blank) messages when I am three flights upstairs and really cannot be arsed to go downstairs and tend to it?

16. Where are the nail clippers (AGAIN)?

17. Where on earth am I going to write about for my 3 monthly 'Breakfast in Brussels' thing? Why are there not more nice places for breakfast in Brussels, especially ones in a postcode other than my own?

18. Why can I not reward my eldest son's new and frankly incomprehensible enthusiasm for getting a bank account by finding him one which gives presents? Surely all bank account openings are supposed to be accompanied by a branded nylon drawstring bag filled with pointless crap, but no, no Belgian bank is offering him as much as a Griffin Savers dictionary. How is this possible, banking industry?

19. Where am I going to find a cheap, chic, outer garment which is warmer than my €15 army surplus jacket yet not as full on wintry my MaxMara coat? Cos? What is the likelihood of me yet again not managing to find such a thing and ending up wearing the decaying Barbour jacket composed of a heritage blend of mould and rips and scented dog poo bags? (high)

20. Is it bedtime yet (This one repeated at ten minute intervals since 7am)?


What questions are you asking yourself today?

17 comments:

janerowena said...

When is the boiler repair man going to turn up? (Because I want a bath but am scared to have one in case he turns up just after I get into it)

Try a tsp of baking powder with 2 tsps of orange or lemon juice mixed into it as a mask/exfoliator for your face. Brilliant and cheap.

And I know it won't do your finances any good, but I found a lovely owl dress yesterday and thought of you.

http://www.joebrowns.co.uk/sp+Quirky-Owl-Knitted-Dress+LD349


Rebecca Rocks said...

For fear of behaving like a crazy internet stalker I have thought EXACT SAME THING ABOUT OWLS AND MUSTACHES!! A friend of mine got a mustache tattoo on her wrist 2 years ago - that was cool - now it's so mainstream - she works in fashion - but HOW DID she know?

Is 4kg of frites enough to feed 25 12yr olds at tonights disco?

and should I also dance at tonights disco - or would that be making a total granny out of myself?

For your face drink lots of water and plenty of fresh air and exercise. Ja ja you already knew that...

and best brunch in town right now is Chez Franz, rue Franz Merjay Ixelles

Patience_Crabstick said...

I also have difficulty keeping track of the nail clippers.

Can I get through another day, listening to the sound of the woman in the next cube, endlessly typing, yet accomplishing nothing?

Is keyboard-induced homicide justifiable?

Will I get attacked by pit bulls on my new route to work, which goes through an appalling but picturesque ghetto?

Anonymous said...

Is my new boss really as chauvanistic as he seems, or am I just making it a male/female thing when really he is just an arse?

Was it a waste of time to attempt insomnia cure with baking of peanut butter chocolate powdered sugar concoction, should I have paid bills instead? (yes, wait no!)
Next owls: foxes! Also small cute predatory animals that mostly eat things you don't like such as rodents. Actually maybe not, there's the whole fox hunt thing. Perhaps next owl in U.S. where nobody thinks about that anyway.

Nimble said...

I think you ought to chat up the gent in #13. He seems to have his priorities straight.

grace said...

When will I actually be able to find anything in this house? I rang my mobile no less than five times today, because I thought I had lost it. The children were late for school because I thought I'd lost the car keys. And all the time, while searching for these lost things, I keep saying, "Right kids, let's go," as if my insistence to get them out of the door, and my ability to sound like I'm in control will actually magically make my keys/phone/handbag/shoes appear. And the nail scissors. They're still at large.

Think your blog is killer by the way.

irretrievably broken said...

Mainly the one about bedtime.

Léonie said...

Am I ever going to be able to go to my teaching job without feeling a horrible, gut-searing sense of dread?

Will I ever fulfill my promise to "do loads of Body Pump"?

What is Body Pump?

Why am I never lying on beaches reading crime thrillers?

frau antje said...

Why didn't I just become an entomologist?

Xtreme English said...

no queries but i think i know the answer to your question about the gulag wanting to know dates of birth for remote ancestors, etc. Because some day you will be old and forgetful, and the gulag will need to know some odd bits of info about your offspring, and they will come to you! and they will ask you these odd questions, and with luck, you'll remember them. only then will they pop with the info for your sprouts. they ask me, for example, the name of my first grade teacher. an embattled woman--who could forget HER? but it's saved my bacon.

Victoria in Brighton (near) said...

Why am I so crap with money?

Am I a bit thick?

Is there any possibility of ever making the best of myself, and looking a bit groomed and polished?

Why don't men look at me when I walk past?

Where can I make money really, really quickly with little effort?

Why can't I ever buy trousers that look good, but manage to buy cardigans all the time?

Why is my left knee badly bruised without any knowledge of how the bruise got there?

Why do my children (this is a long one....) barge in on me on the loo, leave tiny lego bricks all over the house, in the sink, in shoes and in the inner drum of the washing machine? ask long winded and quite frankly tedious questions at bedtime? Laugh at adults and make up jokes about them then giggle til I explode? Ruin my lawn? Flood the bathroom ceiling,floor and sides? Do fake burps in public?

Is is wrong and just plain mean to hoover up stray Lego bricks when I'm hoovering because I can't be arsed to bend over?

Léonie said...

Victoria - HA. You are not thick. I feel similar except I have neither a bruised knee nor children.

Waffle said...

Oh, thank you Grace. I found yours recently and love it.

A vote for "stags" as the next owls and swallows as the old owls seemed quite persuasive.

Victoria, if the Lego bricks are underfoot, I consider them fair game.

Anonymous said...

'Why?' interspersed with 'Why me?'
I have been known to empty the hoover to rescue bits of lego, why? All that happens is it gets strewn around again and I stand on it in bare feet, so you hoover away Victoria, do it for me too!
I've said it before, and will undoubtedly say it again but beavers! I can spend hours of my evenings squinting at grainy footage of beavers swimming around Martin Mere http://www.wwt.org.uk/visit/webcams/martin-mere-beaver-webcam/
Julia

Mimiheehee said...

should i discipline my 3 year old more? Is his strength of personality and will to dominate stronger than mine? (i'm guessing if i have to ask this question, the answer is probably yes). Can i convince myself that not being stricter with him is an actual approach i'm taking, rather than just laziness/unwillingness to listen to the crying and screaming of a thwarted mini dictator? Will i damage him for life in some way if i don't 'set' more 'boundaries'? Will i damage him by setting the wrong boundaries? in the wrong way? does it really matter, or should i relax about it all? What if i do that and 2/5/10 etc years from now i am proven to be WRONG? These are not so much questions I ask myself as a kind of background musak underneath the other thoughts i attempt to have...

Victoria in Brighton (near) said...

Sorry waffle Belgique but back to the lego bricks.

If found underfoot (especially in the dark, twilight hours) they go out the ******** window.

If found in daylight 'civilised' moments I do have the dilema: 'its such fun to get all the bricks out, but nobody wants to tidy it all away' so there I am, once again on my sodding knees scooping up lego ( I had such high hopes after Uni!)

Part of it is clearly resentment and part of it is what if I just suck up that stray 'RARE' Lego sword? Its perverse and I need to get out more. The troublesome threesome, too many boys and not enough 'me' time. Oh give me some wine. Thank you.

Lydia said...

These are some of my favourite Brussels Brunch Spots: Potemkine, Brixtos, Peppermint (Rue des Grands Carmes 11, 1000), Pain Quotidian Sablon, Whittamers. Oh and the crowded Moroccan pancake stand at the Midi Markets on Sunday.