I am uncomfortably aware that in the time it has taken my Twitter stream to write 43 new books and 8900 articles, go on the telly and the radio and get 2893 new important and influential jobs, I have bought a cucumber and some dog shit bags, written 148 bad words, and nagged approximately 7 people until they hate me. I also lay on the floor for a while and consumed 3 Nurofen Plus (my back is buggered, I think from squirming away from the dentist). Just think, if I gave up Twitter I wouldn't know about all the people out there doing stuff and I could maintain the fiction that my days contain a perfectly reasonable quantity of achievement. Not to mention all the time I would save not reading about brilliant stuff other people have done might actually come in handy for, you know, achieving stuff. Anyway. We all knew that already, didn't we. First world problems, volume 800000.
In better news, I have been amusing myself with a new form of modern parlour game: it is called "pretend you are loading an imaginary Kindle for members of your family'.
Family Member 1
Bad Things: A Monograph
Anthrax for Dummies
Enormously Big Numbers and The Men Who Love Them
Some Really Horrible Periods in History In Eyeball-Rupturing Detail
When No One Understands You: How to Communicate With Idiots
The Grave Scenarios Handbook
Further Grave Scenarios
Family Member 2
A Depressing Abstract Idea Deconstructed by Mary Midgley or Similar
Огромный, темный девятнадцатого века русская вещь
Densely Printed Monograph That Was Well Reviewed in Le Monde Diplomatique.
100 Ways With A Bag of Sainsbury's Budget Lentils
Multi-Volume Biography of Someone You Have Never Heard Of But Undoubtedly Should Have
Etwas schräg, in einem Heinrich-Böll-Novelle bezeichnet.
Family Member 3
Who Moved (All) My Stuff? A Memoir of Confusion
How To Fake It Convincingly When The Chips Are Down
The Minimum Effort Handbook
World of Lizards
The Improbable Encyclopaedia of Made Up Scientific "Facts"
101 Activities Without Leaving Your Pyjamas
A Primer of Plausible Duplicity
Big Eyed Japanese Cartoons About Stuff Adults Don't Get
Family Member 4
Stationery: A Love Affair
All the Moustaches, Ever
The Biscuit Encyclopaedia
An A-Z of Secrecy
The Best Places for Hiding Stuff in Western Europe and beyond
Brains That Remember Too Much
Coffee Table Facial Hair
A Brief History of Snacks
Family Member 5
Scandinavian Misery 1-300
People in Islington having Marital Issues
Murder Mysteries With A Greater Emphasis on Food Than Plot
Grotesque Forensic Procedurals
Middlebrow Literary Fiction Probably Recommended in the Guardian or Similar
History With Loads of Anecdotes Not The Dry Kind With Battles And Queen Anne's Governments
Escapist Nonsense With Nice Descriptions of Clothes
Family Member 6
Back Issues of The Economist, 2008-2010
What would you put on your family members' imaginary Kindles?