Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Human Appeasing Pheromone

Tuesday already. My inbox is bulging with temptation. Can I review 60 50 page judgments on subjects as crucial as equipment for electricity substations and butadiene rubber? Would I like to test some washing powder? Submit missing documents to my accountant? Scan these official pieces of paper? Get even more dates wrong? Try to establish the reasoning behind the current spate of mysterious demands from incompetent electricity supplier Electrabel? No. No, I would like to curl up in a small dark cupboard - under stairs would be ideal - and make loud retching noises like a cat with a hairball. My right ear has developed an unsightly, itchy rash and I nearly kicked the printer down the cellar stairs today for being an ink-guzzling ingrate twat with poor communication skills. The better news is that I am no longer looking after a canary. I am at a loss as to what the point of a canary is. It is like a car alarm, but even more boring.

After a bit of early morning puny impotent techno-rage I settled down to an exquisitely boring job of the kind I used to rather like when I was being the world's most half-hearted solicitor. I still rather like it. It's the kind of job where you make nitpicking notes in nice handwriting in the margins of things without having to actually do or achieve anything. I have been arsily marking up all day whilst tutting and muttering superior comments to myself. I become extremely hateful when I do this job, so it is a good thing I only do it for 2 weeks every six months. Any longer and I would start correcting people's grammar in the supermarket queue and sending back personal emails offering me videos of puppies marked up with 'please see my comments in bold square brackets' and track changes. The amusing thing about this outbreak of twattishness is that I am mainly amending and correcting work I did myself six months ago during my previous outbreak of legal pedantry. See? Pointless.

Better news: yesterday, in an exciting development for humanity, and possibly even my sanity, the CFO's au pair bought the weepette what she claims is a pheromone diffusing calming collar. The box claims that it gives a sense of calm and wellbeing and diffuses anxiety.

The Collar Of Tranquility is very large, and he has to wear it looped twice around his neck. It looks rather chic on him, like one of those Hermès double strap watches. He seems as neurotic as ever, but I suppose we should give it a few days. "It also comes as a plug-in diffuser" she told me.

"What, like Glade?! AMAZING".

"Yes, I suppose". She was wearing a 'humour the nutter' expression at this point.

"Mmm. Calming Glade. Glade Prozac Plug-in. I need one of those". The au pair had disappeared by now, closing the door firmly behind her, but the germ of an idea was born.

My entrepreneurial mind (ahahahhahaha. If anyone locates that, do send it my way) started to work overtime. Surely mankind is missing a trick not developing these for humans? Mrs Trefusis and I, always on the look out for good business propositions (when we are not refining our plan to move to a Bulgarian hill village and breed pygmy goats) brainstormed around this idea extensively when we should both have been doing other things.

E: I so want one. I mean, why? Why would dogs get them and not us? We need them MORE.

H: It's perfect. Every office in the land would buy these.

E: Yes, it's a winner. I think this might beat even www.philanderers.com as a business proposition. AND www.mycurate.com. Possibly even our plan to write pulp romance novels à deux to sell in Tescos with big "Selected by idiots" stickers on the front.

H: Imagine, when I have difficult meetings, I could simply Plug in a Prozac air freshner and clients would go 'marvellous, simply marvellous' and wave their hands airily.

E: I suppose there might be minor legal issues, but I'm sure we can get round them somehow.

H: How about a collaboration with a fragrance house, slipping 'mood enhancers' into scent? Because if you bought it for yourself, then it would be fine.. it would be forcing it on others that would be a problem. Just imagine:

"I like to spritz on a little [insert catchy name here] in the morning - it's an active chypre, which combines the scent of success, with the cognitive enhancement effects of modafinil"

E: What I like about that is how it's less a long-term commitment to your mental health, and more an accessory. See, I am already aching to buy this and it DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

What nonsensical business propositions have you come up with? And consider yourself on notice, I will think about stealing them for a moment, then be overcome with indolence and not bother.


Laura said...

A friend and I discussed the idea of bridesmaids-for-hire. Your more demanding brides would probably be willing to pay a premium for the service of an always-on-call yes-woman who is pretty but not TOO pretty, looks good in monochrome taffeta, and doesn't mind dancing with their handsy, alcoholic great-uncles. What do you think?

Kath said...

Well, in year 11 all the forms in my school had to come up with a business idea for £10, and the form that made the most money out of it, as part of some "Young Enterprise" initiative. Cue bake sales and lemonade stands, stock investing etc. Not my form. We kept putting it off and putting it off, until the morning of a 3.05pm deadline. Panic. So we year 11's in the form made the executive decision and sneaked out of school and invested it in scratchcards. And won £250, and consequently also won the competition.

So, clearly, the future of business is in scratchcards. That is my proposition!

J. said...

When I was in grad school I used to fantasize about a pack mule service-you know, for those trips to the library or grocery when you've got 50 lbs of crap to drag home but the trip is too short or you're too broke for a cab, or you're in a neighborhood where cabs are scarce. Plus I just fancy the idea of mules walking down busy Chicago streets and ticking off/mystifying motorists. The mules would have to have a homing instinct, so there'd be no trouble returning them-just unload your crap, slap 'em on the hindquarters, and they're off.

Patience_Crabstick said...

I was thinking about getting a thundershirt (http://www.amazon.com/Thundershirt-Dog-Anxiety-Treatment-Large/dp/B0028QK6EY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309917186&sr=8-1) for my neurotic dog, but I like the pheromone collar better.

Margaret said...

My best friend and I came up with the designer hard hat during a particularly windy season when pieces of Manhattan buildings kept falling on pedestrians (this was before the city decided maybe it should enforce its Make Sure Your Building Facade Isn't Crumbling Law). We'd get people like Donna Karan, Diane Von Furstenberg (Hi! We're old!), etc., to design them. There was some discussion about how to construct them so they wouldn't give you hat head, and then I think the brainstorming ran out of brains, so we went shopping.

littleanomaly said...

I love the plug-in pheromones! Our vet insists that they can't exorcise my cat, and suggested these as a good substitute and I have to say, they're good! They don't last a full month and they're $20, but if it keeps the cat from eating the child and pissing on the floor then it's worth every penny.

Beccy said...

Please can we have a photo of the weepette in the Collar of Tranquility?

Iamhelpful said...

So. You have, as you well know, answered your own question. The tricky thing is to sell sex without actually calling it selling sex or, you know, having to, heaven forbid, actually provide any sex. I think I might have accidentally described marriage as a business proposition there. Moving on.

Mya said...

My friend had great success with a plug-in pheromone thingy for her dog. It was savaging the TV every time anything vaguely quadruped appeared. As soon as the pheromones were wafted about the room, it calmed down and went to sleep. I wish it worked for kids.
Mya x

Anonymous said...

My husband is working on the "gravitational field adjuster", which is a small device you attach to your bike, so as to always cycle slightly downhill (no other uses allowed). Should be ready any day now.


Grace said...

Absolutely love the description of your printer!

puncturedbicycle said...

Uurrgh, I have bought a crapload of these diffusers and Himself still barks and pisses when we go out, so I am skeptical. I would try the Prozac one though.

I have no ideas I'm afraid, nonsensical or otherwise.

Mary said...

We have used the plug in version for our cats -- and I kept hoping there would be a calming effect on the humans in the household -- no such luck!

Maybe we need little voodoo dolls of our technology -- and then we could stick the mini printer with pins when it failed to work!

Laurel said...

Ohhh, our vet had us try a spray bottle of dog pheromone labeled "Lactating Bitch." Insert your own joke here. The dog was still a neurotic asshole, though.

About the nonsensical businesses, I got nothin'. The men in my life seem to have a gift for the nonsensical business so I assumed it was a guy thing--however you and your commenters have proven me wrong (I mean that as a compliment). I suppose it was nonsensical that I imagined for a long time that I would be a good B&B owner. I can't keep my own house clean, or garden weeded, and am highly introverted and antisocial. In truth B & B ownership would probably be my worst nightmare.

Anonymous said...

Selling camp voiceovers for elevators a la Carry On films
"going down ... ding-dong!"
"going up ...Oh, I say!"
and so on...
Well, it would make me snicker :-P
Jo :-)

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