Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Bonus post

That last post was so extravagantly BORING you get a bonus post. No, don't argue, it's my treat, I have plenty more tedium where that came from!

1. I am very very very fat (for me) at the moment. I fit into about 13% of my wardrobe. Of that 13% I would say that 11% is dirty or requires ironing and 1% is broken or missing some essential part. As a result I had a total toddler tantrum yesterday when the only thing I could find to wear was - do NOT laugh, I am sensitive - cropped, Dorothy Perkins, man-made fibre trousers. There was crying. Snot. It was quite pathetic. I am over the worst of it now, but the dilemma remains, let me share it with you (so lucky!).
- I do not fit into most of my clothes
- I cannot afford to buy new ones
- I do not allow myself to restrict my diet due to my history of being a batshit crazy eating disorder type. Give me a couple of weeks of the most modest calorie control and I would either be breakfasting on an eighth of an apple, high on smugness, fondling my prominent collarbones, or having nothing but coffee until 9pm then emptying the entire contents of Kraft factory down my gullet. You get the picture. I value the fact that I am not 'funny' about food anymore. I consider it one of my greatest - indeed possibly my only - areas of personal growth in the last 5 years.
- I cannot be arsed with exercise, and when I do it, I invariably get gigantic thighs. No, don't argue, it's simply never going to happen.

So. The fatness, it is a struggle, currently. I am just saying. Mrs Trefusis and I were discussing it (though she is not at all fat, not even remotely, she is sylph-like and stylish, I am a whey faced slattern in purple tracksuit bottoms, wearing broken patent Miu Miu flats with one bow missing to trail around the house developing mild agoraphobia). She favours "L'Oréal Paris (NOT Garnier) everyday fake tan, red lippy, huge shades (even indoors, like Anna Wintour) and painted toenails" as a quick fix. I favour .. actually, I don't know. I favour only leaving the house under cover of darkness, Chanel Mademoiselle, having an affair with a dry cleaner and extensive surgery. That might do the trick. No, I suppose I will do what I always do, and wait for it to pass, furiously. But what if it doesn't? What if my metabolism is trundling to a halt?

2. I also have an attractive facial wound. I have no idea where it came from, maybe I started scratching a hole in my face during the night, as a change from grinding my teeth? Taken in conjuction with the red hayfever eyes, I look like I have been sleeping rough for approximately 5 years. It is quite the look, I can tell you. Sexy. Ideal for snaring myself a kindly, co-operative dry cleaner.

3. Apart from that, I am working on new money making schemes, because the current laughable one isn't working:

- Start my own version of the Bompas & Parr rabbit café here in Belgium. I reckon Nicolas from the Charleroi safari would be game, he likes a challenge. I just have to convince him to go into the rabbit breeding business with me. Easy, surely. I could make the cakes, he could deal with the rabbits and the customers. Who says it has to be rabbits, anyway? We'd probably have less of an intellectual property problem if we chose another animal. Tarsiers, say (my cephalopod correspondent of earlier today has got me thinking about them). They seem co-operative, and I bet you can get them in legendarily dodgy Belgian pet shop, Animals Express.

- Get someone to pay for me and F to go on a tour of all the most disgusting relics of Europe and write about it. F thrilled me recently with this quixotic promise:

"Someday we'll go to Gubbio. There's a whole saint there, all shriveled, in the church. Also there's a museum of torture. Great town. Good truffles in season. Saint in a box. Win win win win win"

- I still favour becoming a goat. I don't think goats have such a cult of physical appearance,but I may be wrong. Are your hooves pointy enough? Your eyes yellow and slotty? How luxuriant is your beard? Do my horns look big in this? Incidentally, Eireann suggested I open a goat café because "when it fails, there would be no problem with the excess stock and fixtures and fittings. The goats would eat it all". She has a point.

- I am open to other ideas. God knows, I don't seem to have any.


Johnners said...

Umm. The only way is up? I have just developed some hideous facial spots, and I am nearly 42, if that makes you feel any better. Also I have managed not to return to the bad old 'let's not eat and see how big collar bones really get' days despite being what feels like ENORMOUS, and I owe some of that tremendous and scary ability to eat and not fret about it to you and your writing.

I've got nothing about earning money though. J x

PS What is it with collar bones? Always the first thing I check, every morning, even now.

WrathofDawn said...

I have gone from Olympic-quality food restraint (losing 26 lbs over a reasonable period of time)to "if it fits in my mouth... I'LL EAT IT!"

I have no advice to offer.

Xtreme English said...

oh, well....i can't keep track of this weight stuff. i go up and i go down. now i'm too old to eat very much, but it doesn't make much difference.

i say just try eating as many colors (of fresh food) as you can every day: green especially, but also red, yellow, orange, purple. it'll all work out. pistachios are good, so are walnuts. wash it all down with something at least 80 proof.

Anonymous said...

Knowing you have no ability to control your food intake and still eat, the logical solution to your weight dilemma would be (if you think you can be logical about it at all) to increase your exercise and keep your food precisely, stubbornly the same. If you knee is a problem, there are non-impact exercises and programs you can try.

But I'm not an expert on any of these things and you might want to discuss it with someone who is.

irretrievablybroken said...

Quixotic,yes. Tilting at mummified knucklebones....

redfox said...

Plus goats are always dressed in elegant kidskin, fitted perfectly. Win, as they say, win win win win.

frau antje said...

There are cephalopods on one wall of the kitchen here, from the Ordovician (which they ruled, probably easier to do before there were plants on earth), quite dead of course. They would be no trouble at all in the logistics of running a café, just a quiet backdrop that's comfortingly 450 million years old.

Tarsiers would be perfect though. Being able to turn your head around that far and have eyes 1/5 the size of your head, all the while calmly eating away, seems the ideal dinner companion for any blackberry addicted workaholic (though they wouldn´t be allowed to marry).

Anonymous said...

I saw you a couple of weeks ago and you looked fab. So much so, I lurked back in the shadows of my office with my coffee and fag. So hush.


Z said...

I'm so impressed by the height of your standards, that a garment in need of ironing stops you from wearing it, that I can't think of anything more to say.

d said...

That Rabbit Cafe. The blurb said 'The Rabbit Café will be populated by a colony of albino rabbits. Visitors are invited to eat Easter-based snacks, pet rabbits and learn about animals....'
They are going to serve pet rabbits?? Will that catch on in Belgium? If you restrict your diet
to pet rabbits, the effort involved in stealing them may help with weightloss. And thank you for the Bonus Post, it was a lovely surprise to find this morning.

Anonymous said...

I have a suggestion. Go to a shop you like, find something you fancy, check the price tag, and invoice my husband that amount for proof-reading his text. That is my final word.


momosyllabic said...

Funny, I always check my ribs (pinching to see how much extra skin is there) and I am nigh on 20 years past the worst of my own batshit crazy let's only eat 4 branflakes today period. AND I pick holes in my skin too--I have three along my left jaw just now. Disgusting and clearly self-punitive. I am 40 btw. Should be over all this.

You are a rockstar, my dear. Fabulous writer, and funny.
Nobody minds your cropped pants except you, you know. We can't even see them.

Waffle said...

Johnners - That is very good to hear. Many things, I remind myself, taste better than skinny feels.

WoD - We can just gloomily bear witness together to our joint loss of self-control. La la la.

Xtreme - Your advice is excellent. You should write a diet book, I think.

Anon - This is far too sensible! Why do something constructive when you can whine to the internet?
(but kind, thank you)

IB - 'Tilting at mummified knucklebones' is my new gmail status.

Redfox - see? Goats. They get all the fun.

Frau A - Yes. The tarsier is 35% eye and 65% unassuming. Perfect.

Fran - The fuck you did. It must have been someone who looked like me. I barely leave the house, I just wander shiftily as far as the ice cream shop, in my purple tracksuit.

Z - It's just an excuse not to try on some other stuff which will also be revealed to be too small. Do not fear.

D - The Pet Rabbit Diet is brilliant! Team up with Xtreme English, you can both be diet gurus.

Tilia - I am a fuckwit and have emailed you.

Momosyllabic - You are too kind, my lovely, but thank you. I am burning the cropped trousers, they were a mistake even in 2005 when I bought them..