Monday, 14 February 2011

Prawns, Cava, disco unicorns

14 February, 10pm. The children are sleeping, the dog is sulking in a corner. I have made myself a sub-standard (though homemade, actually the two facts are not unrelated) pizza, and I am half watching French Masterchef, each episode of which appears to last longer than Der Ring des Nibelungen performed largo. The other half of my psyche is bathing in a gentle wash of panic, as usual. Around me, all is squalor and chaos, as it should be, I think the sofa I am sitting on is 43% crisps, 30% biscuit crumbs, 26% fox shit, 1% lost keys. It is ULTRA ROMANTIC. I am also giving thanks. Let us take a moment, on Valentine's Day, to remember Valentine's days past, and give thanks for never having to live through them again. 2010, I am looking at you. I cannot do much more than look at you with pursed lips on this, a family friendly weblog, but consider yourself stared at disapprovingly, with narrowed eyes and a cat's arse mouth. Do not think I have forgotten your laughably terrible antics. See also: every Valentine's day from the age of 10 to 19 (years of nothing occasionally leavened by some horrifying card based declaration: best friend's younger brother, Stuart the French horn player with the terrible acne).

Small mercies, my friends. Other small mercies:

- I had an excellent trolley in Colruyt today. It was the veritable Rolls Royce of Colruyt trolleys, fully mobile even if you dared to look to either side at the produce, in flagrant contravention of Colruyt trolley handling rules. It still had the turning circle of a 500 tonne articulated lorry, but apart from that it was wonderful.

- Actually, the fact I went to Colruyt is a mercy in itself. It will take, oooh, at least four days for the locust-like infants to work their way through the biscuit mountain and I have a five kilo bag of prawns and three bottles of exceptionally cheap Cava. What more could any woman want? Hang on, it's the second time I've said that today, I am going to check what the first time was about.

...

Oh yes, it was me talking to M (are you reading M's Singapore Noodle Tumblr? You really should) about B, and it went:

"he sends me rainbow unicorns set to gay disco, baby animals and reams of profanity. What more could any woman want?"

What, indeed. Prawns, cava, profanity, baby animals, disco unicorns. Have I missed anything?


- You were all very kind about my hair. You ARE very kind. Wrong, but kind. I do hate it fractionally less today, probably because I haven't walked past a mirror.

- I fixed my own fucking thermostat! Ok, not my own fucking thermostat (if I have one, it would take more than new batteries to fix it), the fucking house thermostat. AND reset the clock. This is a feat of dizzying competence. How empowering. For my next trick .. actually, nah. There is no next trick.

- I watched this three times. It makes me feel strange. I can't express it really. I hate Queen, and I hate everything military (Quaker school), and yet, and yet. I'm confused about every aspect of it. Aren't some of them rather attractive? Why does Belgium need such a large boat? Where does it live? Why is Alf from Home & Away in it? I think I need to write to a problem page about my Confusing Feelings, I need therapy, I need to investigate further. That's not really a mercy is it? But it will have to do.

15 comments:

Katy said...

I love the Belgian Navy singing Queen video. Can totally see the appeal. Well done for limiting yourself to only 3 views!

It tickles me that the Belgians go for Freddie while meanwhile over in America, they go Gaga. Of course. Very patriotic of them. See here for details: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKL8w-_zC_s

Although, if the Queen cover confuses you, I fear I may be introducing more confusion into an otherwise perfectly pitched Valentine's day night.

x

aislingcryan said...

that is truly the strangest video i have seen in a while. i don't know if i'm horrified/nervous/impressed that these guys and gals guard the coast of the country i'm moving to this year (all 42km of it...)
funny stuff regardless!

irretrievablybroken said...

I feel we need more about the Quaker school.

That's Not My Age said...

And more rainbow unicorns

Jessica said...

Belgium will soon break the Iraqi record for longest period of time a country has gone without a government.

Meanwhile, the Belgian navy passes the time like this.

Are these two things related? Who can say. Belgians are odd enough to begin with, and clearly some real thought was put into several of the video scenes. All I can say is that I have never felt prouder about where my tax money goes.

frau antje said...

You could come fix our thermostat (it would definitely be something absurd). Currently, it is 42% women do get colder than men, 30% except when they don't, 17% mechanical systems of parallel universes, and 11% keeping me spiritually connected to the ancient inhabitants of the lowlands.

Valentine's Day will have to suffice with the heartfelt gift of a nine inch thick dictionary covering a language in which I am challenged to understand a majority of Sesamstraat (Charlie en Lola, ja wel, Cava ook--Pauw & Witteman, nee).

The attractive Belgians were strangely reassuring, but the next video up was 'Shaggy - Christian - Heathen - Church Music' so now I'm right back where I started.

Fat Controller said...

Is it me, or is there something unsettling about Belgian matelots arsing around with syringes, defibrillators and live shells?

500 tonne articulated lorries? Are you sure? Are Belgium's roads really terrorised by artics the weight of a decent-sized freight train? If,so, how long before they spread to the rest of europe?

MargotLeadbetter said...

My computer has just warned me that your site is unsafe and that I should 'proceed with caution'. Well done!

(PS. Family friendly blog,you say?)

Johnners said...

Magnificent! Especially the thermostat bit. Do you do ovens? Ours has just blown up. x

Quarkee said...

My oven went yesterday. Spooky. Have missed reading this blog. I strayed. What can I say. But in the meantime I've introduced owl in a box t a global group of pettolheads.

Quarkee said...

A picturesque typo... Petrolheads

Em said...

Yes, more on Quaker School please. All that comes to mind are bonnets and good, clean living. I feel there could be more to it.

Please, please, please. You've given us a Belgium not widely known... now it's Quaker time (not to be confused with Hammer time).

Alison Cross said...

M has another blog?! I didn't know and will be hot-footing it over there directly.

Valentines Day is always rubbish. My dad once got 13 valentines in the one day - so it didn't matter what kind of haul my younger brother and I got - it could NEVER top my dad's. And boy did he crow! Maybe it was some kind of reverse-psychology shit...cos now we've never really bothered much about it as a result :-)

I'm sure it has given me some kind of weird inferiority complex

Quaker school - give us more!

Rosie Redfield said...

I watched it three times too - those boys are sooo charming! Now I've come back for the link so I can watch it again...

Rhia said...

Recently coming out of a three year relationship, I was alone and (only vaguely mind) mopey on Valentines Day.
Ive just realised that being alone on Valentines Day AND feeling sorry for yourself must surely constitute an archetypal first world problem..
However I read your blog and realised that actually it normally works out less stressful to be relaxed in ones own company on Valentines :)