Sunday, 13 February 2011

Fornicating slipper limpet

Oh dear, this has been my worst ever episode of blogging laxness. I am hopeful that this means I will have something to say other than "I have been sitting at the kitchen table feeling anxious", but let's wait and see shall we. Don't get your hopes up. I've definitely mainly been sitting at the kitchen table feeling anxious. The kind of anxious that doesn't stop you eating monstrous quantities of cheap chocolate.


So. New hair. I am not very happy with the new hair. It is not John's fault. I experienced a rush of blood to the head, egged on, I should say, by the brain twin, and decided we should try Something New. I am a fool. It was lovely to see him though, and we had lots of fun trying to follow the precise instructions from the notorious wig video. It had been, we worked out, exactly a year to the day since I last saw him, and we had a jolly time swapping life catastrophe stories as is our wont (he won this year, sadly for him).

Look, here I am looking underwhelmed and sulky in a toilet cubicle (this is the best shot, I am too vain to show you the true horror. Mainly it looks FAR FAR WORSE. No amount of illegal zhuzhing can help).

I took this pictures whilst in the process of eating 15 times my bodyweight in Indian food to make myself feel better. I also invested in some Elemis supersoak, because I knew I would be needing the oblivion that only Elemis brings. Come melt my bones, Elemis supersoak, and let me forget I look like the bad tempered, half-witted lovechild of Myra Hindley and Rod Stewart.

I do not cope well with the sensation of hair on my neck, as proved last year with a drunken kitchen scissors incident. I do not know if I can bear it. It is not making me happy at the moment, I feel ugly and vulnerable. Something will happen, and hopefully it will not involve kitchen scissors or nervous breakdowns. Crawling back for a trim in a few weeks, maybe, and living the life of a hermit in the meantime. Is there a language that has a word for "existential despair brought on by a poorly-judged haircut"? There should be.

Green Porno

It's ok, there is better news. I went to the AMAZING Sexual Nature exhibition at the Natural History Museum on my way back from the overambitious haircut, featuring Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno films. They really are extraordinary, I cannot recommend highly enough if you enjoy revered art house actresses in cardboard duck costumes saying things like "my complex vaginal structure repels forced copulation". Or orgiami penises. It cheered me right up. I might have a haircut like a Hoxton twat circa 2004, but at least I am not a male praying mantis. There is also a section at the end of the exhibition where people can just leave candid notes about their sexual or romantic experiences which is excellent - my pictures didn't come out well, sadly, the pic at the top of this post is the only legible one, but there were some corkers - and fascinating facts about the reproductive idiosyncracies of creatures like the "Fornicating slipper limpet". In the shop at the end you can buy a plush chlamydia molecule. Good stuff. I strongly suggest you go.

Swine flu free

I do not suggest you go to Hatfield, however, unless you are feeling psychically, emotionally invincible. Go, say, when you haven't just had a haircut that has reduced your self-esteem to rubble and you are in a feedback loop of anxiety. However, if you do go to Hatfield, Bar 12 looks nice and has that all important 'swine flu free' guarantee:

The other thing I liked about Hatfield was the way that on municipal signage, "disabled toilet" got equal billing with "Town centre". However Hatfield Asda did finally yield Caramel Aeros, advertised on every London Transport hoarding within 3 miles of St Pancras, and yet mysteriously unavailable. I just had one, they are rubbish. I had lunch at Hatfield Asda canteen, actually, because I live a life of endless, dizzying glamour.

Plastic Beddingtrand

Back in Belgium - which I'm not, but I very nearly am, I am lurking in a corner of the Eurostar terminal, repelling everyone with my catastro-mullet and glum expression - I may finally fulfil my dearly held wish to go to the Plasticarium. The Plasticarium is some plastic stuff in a room in downtown Brussels, but it is so hard to access, so profoundy odd, that it has attained supernatural status for me as a destination. You need to assemble a group of ten people and make small offerings to the management and all sorts and I have finally found someone willing, eager, indeed, to faciliate my lunatic idée fixe. If anyone wishes to come along, just mail me. There is room for everyone! We can inhale plastic fumes and fall over!

Lekkere bips

The best, the absolute best bit of the last week was definitely watching "Trinny & Susannah: Missie Vlanderen", which is Trinny and Susannah, presumably a little down on their fiscal luck still, "doing" Belgium. They are subtitled. They are roaming a suburban shopping centre in Flanders like a pair of posh vultures. It is amazing, particularly because the local populace take no prisoners and it is quite possible that someone might just punch Susannah before the end of the series. I wish I understood more Dutch so I could work out what the recalcitrant women being forced into V-necks and belted floaty skirts are saying, maybe "What the fuck? Bootleg trousers? Do they think it's nineteen ninety fucking five???" I have however learned the following phrases (if I copied them down right, I was in ecstasy):

Monoboezem - self-explanatory, non?

Lekkere bips - nice arse

Boom knuffelen - tree hugging

Ein prachtig snoek - a pretty face

Trek de jurk uit - take the skirt off

I think I should try some of them out, say, on the tram. I can't see how anything could go wrong with that.

I can think of at least TWO whole other things I want to tell you this week, possibly even three if I get back into Belgian politics, AND I'm supposed to be going to a corrective knicker conference on Tuesday. Stick with me, it's going to be fantastic*.

*Probably a lie.


Miss Jones said...

Easy for me to say, I know, and I have only seen the one picture, but I think the hair looks VERY HOT. (And by that I mean attractive, not, like, sweaty.) xx

Katy said...

I know you are not going to believe me, but I actually love your hair!

But, I totally feel your hairdresser pain. And to make you feel better, go look at the worst haircut I ever had, which I have inexplicably decided to post to the public at large, here:

For the avoidance of doubt, it's the last one, where I look like a boy girl. But not in a nice model fashionable androgyny way.

I also found myself disappointed with the Aero Caramel. But, if you are still on the lookout for new cheap chocolate, I think the Aero bunny is much more acceptable. It has a certain pleasing solidity too it.

Anyway, I Hope the anxiety reduces to acceptable levels soon.

Katy x

awhirlinlondon said...


Amy said...

Your hair there looks bloody fantastic. I share the hair anxiety, though — I decided to trim my own fringe and now look like someone took revenge on me in the night by making me look as stupid as humanely possible.

Please, please, please write an in-depth post about your corrective knicker conference. I have no idea what it is but it sounds WONDERFUL.

Katy said...

OMG. Sorry to comment again, but I just watched the Isabella video.

I have to confess I wasn't fully prepared for the phrase, "I can discombobulate the phallis"


Bryony said...

I feel a website coming on, www.correctmyknickers dot com or whatever...! do tell all! I really do feel your pain on the haircut stuff - especially hair on your neck. I currently have my hair at it's longest in its' 47 year incarnation. This I like - but not the sensation of waking up every morning with it draped over my face. This I do not like. Bx

Anonymous said...

Your new hair looks great. What you think about it doesn't really matter, as you don't see it from the outside anyway. Now go and send an invoice to that Nordic bloke whose text you corrected around Christmas.


Waffle said...

Oh crap, really Tilia? Did I never do that? Ha. Shiiiiiiit. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

So you were spending all this time with your hairdresser while us here, your blog addicts, were bleeding for posts?


Anonymous said...

Yes, sorry, wanted to say: lovely to have you back.


Miss Underscore said...

Arghh!!! That image of Isabella Rossellini, being taken from behind by a rather smug looking cardboard duck is embedded in my brain. She's come along way from Lancome and Blue Velvet, to be sure.

I LOVE the hair. You look as mysterious, pouty and chic as any woman in a public lavatory has a right to be. (Well done for avoiding being photographed next to the sanitary towel dispenser, that would have ruined the whole shot).

Emma said...

I think your hair looks great, most definitely not the worst cut I have ever seen. The worst cut I have ever seen was on someone who begged their mother to let them have an "Imelda from Grange Hill" cut at the age of 12. Oh, was it me? Yes unfortunately I think it was...

Em said...

Your hair looks gorgeous! Much more worthy than a public loo shot!

Madame DeFarge said...

Isabella Rossellini will have a lot to answer for, as a future generation of small boys ponder upon animal-inspired sexual antics.

Troutie said...

I like you. Why have I never been here before? I'm not lying when I say that the picture of you in the toilet with the new hair looks like a (much) slimmer me with glasses. I'm currently sporting something asymmetrical on account of the words 'something new' spoken by my hairdresser. 'Something new' are the scariest two words in the hairdresser language.

Alison Cross said...

I think your hair looks lovely and maybe a little bit of time to get used to it will help?

I will DIE if I do not get to see this Isabella Rossellini thing. It sounds so utterly bonkers that it MUST be fantastic!

Your hair is lovely (((hug)))

PS - I am going to randomly use those phrases myself, especially the monobooby one.

Ali x

bellambinos said...

I watched Isabella's Green Pornos lastweek on YouTube and my dreams have been haunted by menacing, randy insects ever since. Did you see the one about the bed bugs?
Also, I shall never tire of your kitchen table anxiety, for it normalizes me.

Patience_Crabstick said...

I have no idea what a "caramel aeros" is but it's good to know they are rubbish.

I think your hair looks good.

Laurel said...

Oh, you look so good in that cut I am seething with envy.

surgoogi, the feeling of knowing that the Waffle's rejected loathed hair cut is ten times better than my best cut!

Anonymous said...

i think your hair looks sexy.

very slick.

and hey! at least your tits are leaking and going completely unnoticed four hours into the working day.

Anonymous said...

*aren't! at least your tits AREN'T

(baby brain)

Anonymous said...

This new hair looks fabulous on you! Bad luck about feeling strange with hair on the back of your neck though - probably only way around that is back to no hair at all.
Love watching Trinny and Susannah here (also Gok Wan) wrangling unwilling (in)fortunates into new outfits. It would be great to set them onto my husband, but I know for sure it would end in embarrassing but entertaining TV as he repelled them forceably from his personal space. As maybe Belgianites will do!
Heather (in NZ)

Alison said...

I generally believe that all towns have a hidden soul but suspect that a day trip is not enough to find one in Hatfield.

Please don't go silent for a whole week again in FEBRUARY, the dark month of Satan when we surely all need the comfort of digital-human contact more than ever.

Fat Controller said...

One is tempted to think that the 'swine flu free' sign at the exciting Bar 12 probably means that they don't charge you extra for swine flu.

My Dutch word of the week is 'Oogdruppels'. I am sitting looking at a box of oogdruppels on my desk as I write.

Nicky said...

"Gamine" hairdo. Lovely, though I know that it's never other people's opinions that count

Mother Theresa said...

So, what is wrong with the hair? I think it looks great! I wish my hair would look that good. Oh, and "Trek de jurk uit" actually means "take the dress off", but skirt, dress, in the end the result is pretty much the same. I assume that's all part of "doing" Belgium, right? ;)

Sam said...

I find myself going into a mad neurotic fervour when my hair isn't to my liking and I'm a chap. Your 'do looks delightful if I might say, but this probably will not help your anguish.

All that said, your multiple bad-hair synonyms were delightful to behold.

Sarah L. said...

Please do get back into politics, just a little bit. I heard that it was proposed that all Belgins refrain from sex until the current, um, 'crisis' is over. Is it true?

Brussels Dave said...

Splendid barnet, Ms Waffle. Tres sexy, according to 100% of middle-aged English blokes polled.*

WV "arrske" which just has to be a Dutch swear.


(At the risk of being a pedantic twat, may I point out that chlamydia is a bacterial infection, so I think they're probably flogging a cuddly, fluffy bacterium rather than a molecule. That is all.)

Anonymous said...

Your hair looks GREAT!

The Plasticarium is intriguing (I see many "familiar" objects) but the weird automaton in the blue blazer kinda creeps me out.

"Bips" is a great Dutch word, especially in America where saying "ass" can practically get you arrested! Another word I like is "lul" (pronounced lull) which in Dutch means prick (as in penis). It takes to a whole new level the comment about there being a lull in the conversation.

Pat (in Belgium)

Anonymous said...

Word verification: "palus"

Is that like an amicable male appendage?

Pat (in Belgium, having obviously had way too much wine with dinner tonight...)

curlywurlyfi said...

I have wholesale pinched your Sexual Nature review + sent it to three friends saying 'we're going to this. Sunday. No arguing.' Outstanding. And the cut shock will wear off.

Female Flemish Being said...

"Ein prachtig snoek" = a pretty pike.
You probably watched too much Isabella stuff ;-) (which, by the way, is brilliant - thank you for refering us to it)
('een prachtige snoet' is probably what that phrase should be - although it sounds a bit contrived)

Lisa-Marie said...

I think your new hair looks really good. It is good to try new things sometimes.

Also, at some point, might you man up and show us your whole new hair?

WV is ratm - Rage Against The Machine. My inner angsty teenager approves of this.

kanteska said...

your hair looks whimsically,I like it!