Sunday, 2 January 2011

10 Self-Help Books I Could Write

1.
Feel The Fear And Hide In Bed Feeling Like Life Is Passing You By Whilst Passively Consuming Social Networking Sites

Dynamic techniques for turning fear, indecision and anger into more fear, indecision and anger, but with an added layer of Twitter and self-flagellation!



2. Men Are From Mars, Women Are Absolutely Fine, No Nothing's Wrong, Why On Earth Should It Be?

My ten step plan to silent, resentful loving! Learn how to express your displeasure by harnessing the awesome power of passive aggressivity when your partner unaccountably fails to read your mind.



3. Getting to Doormat: Of Course I'll Lend You Ten Grand, Are You Sure That's Enough and Would You Like This Kidney, No Honestly I Don't Really Need It?

A moron's guide to negotiating. Follow these simple rules and ensure you'll get nothing but an all-consuming sense of resentment and impotence!



4. Who Moved My Despair?

Failing to anticipate and manage even the most positive change thanks to a relentlessly gloomy, superstitious mindset better suited to a Medieval peasant.



5. Women Who Overthink Too Much

In Part 1 of this invaluable guide, you'll learn how to fully script a ten second conversation with the postman several days in advance and still be sweaty palmed and incoherent when you open the door. In Part 2, you discover how to spend most of the next week rehashing and dissecting that ten second conversation in new and exciting ways that reveal your essential crapness. A must-read.



6. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Procrastinators

Powerful lessons in rearranging the kitchen cupboards to obtain better than ever management of your tinned goods inventory, whilst deadlines assail you from all sides!



7. The Demented Little Mother

The simple secrets of shouty, inconsistent parenting: appease and alarm your children in equal measure with this easy to follow routine.



8. Difficult Conversations: How to Entirely Avoid Discussing Anything That Might Lead To Unpleasantness, or If Pressed, To Discuss It So Obliquely That No-One Has A Clue What You're Saying

Learn the age old secrets of the English in this new guide. Remember: we didn't get where we are as a nation by Talking About Stuff!



9. Hemlock For The Soul: 101 Ways To Whine and Bitch Your Way To Mental Health

By rights no-one should give a shit about your puny first world problems, but this guide will teach you how to inflict them on everyone you know regardless, exhausting any shred of sympathy they might ever have had for you!



10. I'm OK (As Long As You Pretend You Like Me), You're OK (But I'm Probably Obscurely Judging You On Some Level).

Leverage your own insecurities to think faintly uncharitable thoughts about others, then hate yourself for it, whilst irrationally craving approval from all around you!

21 comments:

soleils said...

OMFG, Waffle. I could co-write each and every one of these tomes. It is uncanny and actually profoundly disturbing. Er... thanks?

Vicki said...

Brilliant!!! If you write them, I'll buy them ;-)

soleils said...

I would be an absolute authority and an inexhaustible source of material for books 2, 6 and 7. Not so good at 8, but only because I am not English, but French, and so fundamentally devoid of that oblique approach. I am considered quite tactful in my home land, but positively blunt in England. Go figure.

ShoesieQ said...

Utter genius. Btw if you're thinking about writing 6 or 8 I'm your woman. With 20 years of HR experience in Blue Chips I defy you to find anyone better.

And the reason I don't have kids is mainly cos 7 would, without doubt, be my parenting Modus Operandi

Doriana Gray said...

I would be interested in a cookbook- instead of 30 minute meals, how about things that take the whole day to cook and leave out an important ingredient until you are halfway through. Then your children refuse to eat it anyway and have toast.

Bryony said...

can I put these on an Amazon wishlist? thank you!

Alienne said...

Cheezus, I think I am probably an expert on most of these already! I'll buy the others of course to complete my winning personality.

Val said...

OMG! #8 was clearly written for my husband, while #10 is my volume...

Kay Dennison said...

LMAO!!! I think I wrote -- or should have -- #3 and #5 and I want a copy of #9.

Anonymous said...

I would like to pre order signed (or "singed", as one of my colleagues - who is totally unaware of how stupid he is - would have it)copies of 1 5 6 8 and 10 urgently please. The same colleague without fail spells "managers" as "mangers"!) You are the best!

Miss Whistle said...

It's a little disturbing that I find myself drawn to each and every one of these books. You may find you have a built-in audience. But you know what, nil desperandum. I think there's a way through the mud and the mire. And 2011 just has to be better.
Sending love from the west coast.
Miss Whistle x
ps my word verification is "orifyc"

Beatrice said...

Tadaa, here's a work for next 10 years!
I am up for 6 and 8.
You can interview me as an expert in proc(K)RASTINAting.

Amy said...

I giggled out loud at these. I'm sure if you wrote Book 1 you'd make a flipping fortune.

Betty M said...

I am applying the tenets of a worrying no of these books to my life. Scary.

JPM said...

oh yes. definitely.

Catherine said...

Number 7 is definetely up my street.

Xtreme English said...

You MUST put these posts in a book and sell it! You are funnier than Dorothy Parker and Fran Lebowitz put together, but such comparisons disrespect your complete originality. Go! Do it!

Alison Cross said...

You must publish your blog, you simply MUST!!!!

I have sat here pissing myself laughing (really, I have. I need to do the exercises more).

Happy New Year to all residents of Waffle Towers!

Bermondsey mum said...

jutionSeriously, you have to write these.

Nicky said...

I am undertaking practical exams in #2 at the moment as the other half has been a complete tosser over Christmas and New Year but still assumes he's wonderful. I can't be *bothered* to have the conversation with him frankly. Vent over, thanks for being here to give me space for it

Tired Dad said...

Genius.