This is a shame because right now I should be writing something serious and introspective about the fact that I moved out exactly a year ago. 17 November 2009, I looked back to check. That means that the amorphous green blob on the ceiling has been up there for nearly a year too, ditto the smell of drains. We can pinpoint, 365 days ago, the start of my freefall into financial ruin and unchecked squalor. So yay! Yay me! Yay orange house that smells of drains! Yay green slimy ectoplasm on the bedroom ceiling! Today is a day for focussing on the positives: I have not yet been evicted, locked out, or killed anyone from typhus or other diseases of insanitary housing and I have swept the floor many, many, many times. That, surely, is 365 days of win. I do most of my weeping in the park, anyway, which means that the Salmon Palace remains a place of optimism and joy, mingled with tiny cubes of Lego, feral paperwork and the musky smell of fox shit and defective drainage.
Typically, I am not actually at home, on this, my first anniversary of solo living. I am in London mixing my cold remedies, while the weepette gnaws mournfully at the wiring and pees in my spare handbag as it waits for rescue in the form of a Portugese teenager. This should not stop me making a list of Ambitious Projects for my next 12 months of solo living. We will leave the introspection for another day when I'm not tripping on Sudafed, ok?
Ambitious Household Projects
(you can quiz me on my performance in another year)
1. Earn enough money to pay a cleaner. This currently lies in the extreme realms of fantasy, but it is a highly motivating fantasy.
2. Remove the rotting paddling pool from the back garden. See also: plush orange spider, ice cream scoop, paper bags of unplanted bulbs, strange unidentified green plastic thing.
3. Learn to master the heating (which has already defeated 3 adult males).
4. Not be evicted.
5. Identify and eliminate the smell from the basement.
6. Remove the green disembodied leg from bedroom ceiling.
7. Change lightbulbs. All the broken ones, not just the two I can reach.
8. Get the 2 pictures lying in a large envelope on top of the fridge framed.
9. Have people round for dinner. Uncritical ones with hardy immune systems.
10. Acquire some piece of furniture to put the ever-expanding mountain of pointless craft materials in.
11. Make the spare room more welcoming and less of a crime scene.
12. Reach a point where someone can tell me - in a professional context - that they "have seen pictures of your house on the internet", as happened this summer, and not feel the need to put a paper bag over my head.
Can you think of any more Ambitious Projects for me to fail at?