Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Dignity, like hair, is overrated

This post can be filed under "unbearable first world problems/bourgeois tragedies" or simply ignored. You can also include your own first world problems in the comments, I know how much we all like a little whine.

My infant sister used to amuse us all, aged about 4 or 5, by moaning "I'm a mass of corruption", which is what happens when you let academics raise children (that and "more Keynes Daddy"). Well I am. I am a mass of corruption. Let us examine the evidence.

I am 96% lizard. I am so dry that soon there will be nothing left of me but a small pile of dust that can be neatly swept away. Sitting 20 centimetres from a radiator is perhaps not the most sensible way to spend the winter, but I'm cold, dammit. My hardy Yorkshire genes have been undermined by years of effete continental living. My lips are the worst, chapped to an alarming bright red and peeling, but it's all quite, quite revolting. I tried to take a picture for you, but it made me cry, and I can't afford to lose any more moisture.

I have not one, but TWO skin diseases. Puzzling, Presumably Central Heating Related Rash on my upper arms, welcome! I would like you to meet Unpleasant Generalised Child's Skin Disease! This latter is the rash that refuses to die. Lashes got it, and shrugged it off within a week. That was, oooh, mid September? I have had it ever since, even though apparently 80% of adults are immune. It's nice to feel special when you're covered in medieval style sores, I find. I understand the most effective treatments to be: burying a toad in the garden, washing a leper's feet, saying 50 novenas, going on pilgrimage to the shrine of St Anthony (who I learn with interest is the patron saint of skin diseases, as well as lost things! A multitasker, I like). It's that kind of skin disease.

I have a bald patch. Yes, more observant and veteran readers, will know that this is hardly news. However I do not have a bald patch on my head, my friends, I have it on my wig. Oh, the bleeding Alanis Morisette irony of the balding wig! I think it was the Elio di Rupo "do" that did the damage:

(I am including this picture to remind myself that barely a month ago I still looked like a human being. I don't know if that's comforting or not)

Yes, we have been here before, but this one is at the FRONT, necessitating more and more elaborate combovers until its replacement arrives at the end of January. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Sometimes it feels like there is barely a shred of dignity left in my life. If only I were a good candidate for a Jimmy Nesbitt style hair transplant, I could dispense with what tiny specks of self-respect remain and parade my new hair for public edification. But no. I must struggle on with not even an Empress Bianca wig to cheer the dark days of winter.

This is perfect for business meeting, see? Restrained.

This more of an evening wig:

I bet Chantal Biya doesn't get bald patches. I might actually go and live in Chantal Biya's hair until the winter is over, actually. Urgh, 36 SUCKS.

I'm going to go and pray to St Anthony for the return of my lost dignity now. Join in if you like.


Alison Cross said...

What is the unspecified thing that you caught from your son? Blair got this THING that looked like random sort of spot things on his legs, then arms, then torso and then finally, the final indignity when you are 7, his peepee.

The doc said, leave them alone, it will go away itself,tis very common. But my mother was horrified 'Tweak the little fuckers,' she advised. Well, I'm paraphrasing you understand. And so I did - each one of them, even the one's on his tiny little willie.

And THEY WENT AWAY. So try that. The boys will love tweaking the pimple things.

So sure, I display an unusual amount of mummy cruelty, but sometimes you need to do these things, yanno?

Sit a glass of water near your radiators to help with the hydration. I have no idea whether it works but my granny used to do it. And she lived until she was about 84. Just sayin.

My own first world problem is simply this - I should never have entered into on-line chatting with a younger, good-looking man. My pride is dented in the same way as the tiny cube of detrius left over in a car wreckers yard is dented.


Ali x


kcm said...

Well of course you could give up on the wig and take to wearing just a woolly bobble/ski hat?! Then you can always claim you're out on the apres-piste! :-)

theharridan said...

We have veruccas. All over all of us, spreading daily, into more and more feet places. They are big, even the dr did a scared double-take.
Also, the kids have been ruining my stuff. Again. The iPad charger has been broken, the giant-sized aveda shampoo was poured into the bath, the new fucking snow fucking dome that Santa gave us ( I bought for like a WHOLE LOT OF POUNDS) has been pitched to the floor and cracked like your lips. Except water came out, rather than blood. Five (FIVE) rolls of yesterday's newly delivered Andrex toilet paper has been put into the sink and the taps turned on, to watch them "grow". And my four year old pisses his trousers at school every bloody day. Sometimes three times.
And I cannot find a babysitter for my secret botox.
(autocorrect here would like 'botox' to be 'bottom'. Lucky i noticed).
Thanks for the vehicle to vent. Off to drink lots of alcohol. X

Thank you

Nimble said...

Between the wig's bald patch and the harridan's secret bottom I am helpless with laughter.Oy.

Betty M said...

For mere reptilian scaliness I recommend Nutrogena Norweigan Formula cracked heel foot cream which works wonders on my snake like legs. Too good to confine to heels. For other lurgies I have no idea.

As to my own first world problems - no biscuits, the new coffee shop in making isn't looking like a Kiwi run coffee & nibbles dream transported from Soho/Shoreditch to N London but a more hippyish place which will like every other f'ing coffee joint in my urban village serve dishwater at over 2 quid a cup. Son 1 refused for about the 8th week in a row to get into the pool at his swimming lesson. I am not allowed to attend to force him in due to fact that I don't have a crb check.

Z said...

Hearing about your balding wig brought me close to tears of laughter. I'm so sorry.

I know you know whole lots more about me than all sorts of cosmeticy-type stuff, but Liz Earles' stuff does it for me, especially the Cleanse and Polish. If I use anything else, my skin falls off with dryness. And plain Lypsyl deals with my lips, otherwise I'd bleed when I was foolish enough to smile. Nothing to say about sores except ew.

Anonymous said...

Its a sign just stay in the Gods hate you, well something hates you because no one but no one deserves a balding wig for christsakes and skanky flaking too? stuff a cushion it qualifies as a new craft.

My first world problem is that the old lady from up the road is taking forever to bring back my toffifee from the pound shop (do they sell these nuggets of deliciousness anywhere else?) something about broken hips and ice.

Cara said...

For the skin of mank, have you tried demerol from Boots? - you have to ask for it at the pharmacy counter, it comes in a big pump bottle and costs about £12.
It's an antimicrobial cream to wash and moisturise your face with while it's inflamed/sore/spotty/manky.
I get rosacea patches on my chops occasionally and this stops it getting infected/calms it down/takes the redness out..it's very unglamorous but works.
As for the bald patch you need one of these: http://indiaknight.posterous.com/furry-hats
Bonne chance!

Mr Farty said...

I just had my annual beard trim today. Had I but known, I would have sent you my excess foliage by first-class post. It's a bit wiry, mind you. And worryingly grey.

Have you tried bathing in asses' milk? It seemed to work for Cleopatra.

lulazoid said...

I got this cream in Waitrose on my last foray (aveeno, I think it is called). Well, it's a miracle. It was recommended to me many years ago to treat the munchkin's dry skin and it has worked wonders since for my dry feet, dry legs, dry arms and whatnot.

As for my first world problems: there are not enough hours in a day to combine the myriad of tasks that I should be completing as a mother, worker bee, housewife, etc.; two clients were mad at me today, the munchkin thinks that all day and everyday she should have my undivided attention (oh no, here's Mister Maker and more of his crazy crafts ideas again, save me) and I should probably think about how I can pay my taxes, VAT and social security (since this is Belgium the amounts are naturally terrifying) before 31 December and still have some pennies for Christmas presents too (oh wait, I already bought those a month ago because I couldn't stomach a toy shop in the run-up to Sinterklaas). My SO and I haven't had a day off since last August and we are starting to feel the strain at every level. On a bright note, I am alive, my skin is soft, and I have work until mid-January at least? I suppose things could be worse. God, I need a drink. Who am I kidding?

Anonymous said...

OMG - those wigs make me feel totally inadequate! I must have several, for important business meetings and for the Christmas social round. I'm thinking of ordering the red bob as a gift for the Australian prime minister....

Alienne said...

I was doing fine till I got to Mr Farty's comment. The thought of searching the local supermarkets for asses' milk completely cracked me up.

My nephew's aqueous cream (meant for eczema) is a very effective moisturiser. And you can wash with it too.

What is the new wig like - have you gone for a change of style?

redfox said...

I think demerol is actually a potent narcotic, which could soothe your troubles by a different, but perhaps even more effective, method.

Bath Bun said...

I have a spare wig - think Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction - but it is rather itchy and shiny. The fire is blazing here and I'm up for procrastination.

Dara said...

I also have a spare wig...It's a bit Rhianna meets Betty Rubble, but with better bangs!

Problem: How can one get that demerol cream here in the states? Bloody rosacea.

Gary@Soft Leather Baby Shoes said...

You're clearly not as old as me yet because I have enough hair growing out of my ears/nose to be able to get a good "comb over" going in just about any direction! At least you have that to look forward too!

Top Bird @ Wee Birdy said...

Dude, you've got to get the Paw Paw ointment on that nasty unspecified rash and chapped lips. Do it!

I have no suggestions for the balding wig, you poor thing, except colouring in the scalp bit with a texta. Oh yeah, I forgot we were attempting to keep things dignified. xx

Top Bird @ Wee Birdy said...

p.s. I have titne and tummne. That's acne on the breasts and tummy. And a superb case of bacne, too. Plus varicose veins on the vag. That's preg hormones for you. xx

Jessica said...

Humidificateur: They have these little ceramic rectangles that you can hang over the radiator, basically just a little water reservoir that is evaporated by the nearby heat. I bet you can find one in Delhaize.

Seriously, blistex lip-medix for the lips.

Medieval skin disease: hm. I'm a bit on the 'try everything' camp, becoming more and more extreme as I go along when I encounter skin weirdness that won't die. If it's bacterial or fungal, wouldn't a creme for athelete's foot likely kill it? I hear that repeated wipe-downs of vinegar are supposed to work wonders for many sorts of manky sores (though I imagine this might sting, and stink a bit.)

Not that it will make you feel any better, but there is a wig shop down the street from my house, and pretty much all the mannequins have better hair than I do. It makes me wish I could wear wigs.

When the new wig arrives, you should give the old one white-people dreads, and then sell it on the internetz. My research shows that people actually pay sizable sums to have fake white-people dread-wigs. A little bald patch will just look normal on one of those, no?

Anonymous said...

Varicose veins on the vag?! ok you win........

B said...

today's first world problem: wearing boyfriend's blazer to dinner at michelin-starred resto for business dinner because my suits are all at mine. hope client doesn't notice i'm dressed like a 13 year old attending his first bar mitzvah.

Patagonia said...

Certainly, asses' milk would do the trick. In lieu of a good ass, farmers swear by bag balm. However, bag balm in Belgium is as rare as an ass to milk, I suspect.
So, I'll tell you about the cream I haul all the way from Canada to moisturize my dry skin here under the ozone hole. Just plain and simple Body Shop "Nut Body Butter". It works. It smells like dessert. Mmmmm.
My first world problem: I am the world's worst egg cracker. This is exacerbated by the rounded edges of my garnet-studded granite countertops. Either I smash the egg, making a wide gash in the shell and leaking egg out all over the counter and floor, or I tap it too delicately only to pry it open over the bowl, inevitably getting bits of the shell in my mix and egg all over my fingers. Damn granite countertops.

gretchen said...

i have the same lip problem here. the only remedy is homemade lip balm. it really works. olive oil, avocado butter, beeswax and a touch of vitamin e oil, melted together in a small glass jar in a pan of hot water then poured into little lip balm pots. i apply it constantly and obsessively all day like every 7 and a half minutes. naturally this is a full time job and i get little else done all winter, but on the plus side my lips are now buttery soft. i do aspire to other things however, so it is quite frustrating all this lip balming.

Anonymous said...

I slap Dr. Edmund -- the Bachflower Remedies -- Bach's Rescue Cream on everything skin-related & it usually works (maybe it's the power of suggestion? I don't care, if it works!).
The medieval skin sores sound like herpes? (Little clusters of itchy oozy blisters?) "Zovirax" ointment is the ticket (however it costs the moon for a thimble full!). Rescue Cream helps.
First world "problem": After a decade living in Canada, trekking daily over mountains of snow (from Oct to April!), I now sit in the house, paralyzed by a six-inch coating of the stuff, scared stiff to sally forth & bust my butt or worse. I have become my nearly 90-year-old mother overnight.

Pat (in Belgium where it snowed unseasonably early this year)

WV phteneye...sounds like another annoying ocular disease

Waffle said...

Oh god, this was the worst post to leave up for days and days when I was too busy to put something less shameful on top of it.

NO, Pat from Belgium! It's not HERPES. Let the record show I do not have herpes. Sob.

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