Sunday, 14 November 2010


Another week has passed. What have we all achieved? Gather round the blogosphere whiteboard and let us list how we have performed against our KPIs. Corporate branded stress balls for the lucky winners, P45s for the losers. (Am I missing the office? God knows, possibly. In the manner of a lifer who no longer knows how to function on the outside. I noticed that I still say "we" when talking about it. Tragic. Soon you'll be able to find me sitting on a park bench with a briefcase all day long, having pretended to the dog I was "off to work now dear").

1. Shouting

Surpasses expectations. I am quietly proud of myself here. Apart from the destruction of the bathroom curtains and the time when the weepette ate an entire block of parmesan, and the incident with the periscope, I have been more quietly hectoring and a bit self-righteously martyred than shouty. This may not sound like much to you, but .. no, actually it's not much, is it? But it's something.

2. Mess

In line with expectations. (Thus: house looks like a crack den and smells of sewers, and I will be picking Fimo off my clothing for several years to come).

3. Workstreams

Felt creatures: meets expectations
Fimo creatures: surpasses expectations
Dutch class finger puppet creation: surpasses expectations (Firstly, this thing was only required for Wednesday, so I am basically giving the CFO a free pass, which is very kind of me. All too predictably, I got quite into the whole sorry process and ended up making the fingerpuppet hair - sorry, that's haar - out of a scouring pad, creating a creature almost as alarming as Robald himself. Go me).
Actual paying work: meets own (very low) expectations. Falls significantly below ING/HSBC's expectations.
Fruitless but detailed research in the hope of generating actual paying work: surpasses expectations. Pointlessly, but still.
Invoicing: falls significantly below expectations.
Lightbulb purchase (as noted on the list on the fridge since mid-September): falls significantly below expectations.

4. Interacting with other adults

Unable to assess as virtually none (on balance, probably for the best). Oh, there was Prog Rock! But that's more like having a vast disembodied brain sitting in your house. A brain that makes cups of tea.

5. Costs

Fails to meet expectations despite no members of household achieving levels of fun detectable using our marking system. That craft shit is expensive, the hippy museum is €22.50 of gender equality rhetoric expressed through the medium of a shite cardboard maze and the monsoon conditions mean I'm four taxis down in three days. Then the children will insist on needing shoes and clothing and doughnuts and mysterious shaped elastic bands. Oh, but it is very boring having no money (as the children will doubtless testify).

6. Blogging

Frequency in line with expectations. Less said about quality the better.


Em said...

You achieved something with Fimo and that's BIG.
My new week has begun and I'm working, as in 'working', as in doing everything but. Instead of writing another soul-sucking piece of crap I am thinking of cleaning the shower. What a shame you don't live thousands of miles closer. We could pretend to work over coffee and cake. I'm really good at it.

the polish chick said...

1. burning huge piles of wood - meets expectations

2. looking civilised in wal-mart (god knows it doesn't take much, and yet:) - fails spectacularly, due to, in all likelihood:

3. getting covered in mud - surpasses expectations, and...

4. sporting black rubber boots and mud-splattered ill-fitting work clothing - surpasses expectations

for an unemployed dental hygienist, i sure can slum with the best of grubby lumber-jacks!

Xtreme English said...

I already say "off to work now" to the landlady's dog when I slip into my backpack and out the front door. Taxis are a blessing, but there are no taxis here. Imagine living six blocks from the border of one of the world's big cities and there being no taxis! And you think not having MONEY is boring....

frau antje said...

Pretty sure the score for 'representing the company' was low as usual. A surprise to no one.

Fat Controller said...

Am I missing something here? Bilan? Swedish for Axe, but that is as far as my knowledge goes.

Anonymous said...

Nasty baldy bastard editor gave me my P45 2 years ago (after 11 years hard labour) haven't worked since- meets parents expectations.

Cat diagnosed as diabetic have to jab the damn thing twice a day cat not too keen, quite a few mistakes mainlining pet insulin-surpasses expectations

Eating out of date cake from pound shop maybe it'll soak up the insulin (i have no idea how this works) cat has given up any hope of expectations.

Waffle said...

Anon - I love you.

Em - I really wish that too. Pah.

Polish chick - Photo pliz.

Xtreme - you are right, I should be grateful that dangerous driving lunatics with cars full of parfumettes fraicheurs in the shape of pine trees are in plentiful supply. Sorry.

FC - Axe. I like. It's like a sort of report, or round up, in French. Yours is better.

Frau Antje - We will just applaud your consistency then.

She Means Well... said...

I really enjoy reading your blog, partly because they give me someone else's perspective as a Brit that has upped sticks and now calls somewhere else "home".

I have created a site which features the burblings of blogging Brits living abroad at

As part of this, I have included a link to your posts. I hope you don't mind.

If you'd prefer me to delete this link, please let me know, and I shall remove it straight away.

Thanks a lot!

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