Friday, 8 October 2010

The Belgian Waffle Secular Confessional Revival

So. As promised, we have the small matter of reviving the Belgian Waffle Secular Confessional, to deal with. I can only confess the most venal and pathetic of sins at the moment, not because I do not have festering evil in my black heart, but because I am looking for a job and it has made me profoundly cowardly about what I can and cannot write. Penury will do that. There may be anonymous confessions. Some of them may be mine. Or they may not. I cannot be drawn further on this topic.

Here, though, are the trifling ones:

1. The sin of envy: I am consumed with low level, constant envy for many, many people. Most recently, this has manifested as I crawl around the house on my hands and knees for the 8th time this week, fulminating and trying to remove the tsunami of hair and filth that two dogs have set off all over my floor. I am envious of the CFO's TWO cleaners and live in au pair. I confess it.

2. The sin of Maje. I have no money. But no no no money. Nevertheless, I bought a top from Maje in a fit of catastrophic stupidity last week. It was pre-Tall Tales, I was flipping out, my jumper was too hot and had a hole in and I made the mistake of going into Selfridges vaguely looking for a tshirt or vest top, lost my bearings and ended up at the Maje concession. This is not a good excuse. Also, I see on the Guardian website that Zara does one that is virtually identical and probably a tenth the price. Figures. Also, I spent some time staring at pretty paper Korean accounts books online today. As if THAT would help. Fuck off, Emma, you are a moron. Oh, do you want to see the top? Would that help you gauge the sinfulness better?




It's part leopard print, part Rorsach test and the inkblots spell out: "you are really fucking stupid".

3. The sin of extreme slatternliness, particularly grave for a beauty bloggist. This is a sin of many parts. I have idly torn two cuticles this week so they are bleeding and swollen, then I tried to trim one with the office scissors. There is a, I don't know, a THING on my finger that has been there for nearly two years. Like a horrid little callous. I just pull at it occasionally for fun. I slept in my makeup last night, and my clothes the night before that. I haven't been to the dental hygienist for 800 years. I have about 14 different cleansers. I do not use any of them. The Chanel Dragon on my toes is so chipped it is more of a small lizard. I do not have the energy to groom both myself AND the house, so I do neither. Let us not even speak of the garden, which has been entirely consumed by some kind of giant fungus.

4. The sin of cowardice. I should be negotiating. I am not negotiating. I am shuffling my feet awkwardly, failing to say anything when the time comes, then sulking when things do not miraculously go my way.

5. The sin of reckless personal endangerment. Seeking out the company of someone deranged (related to something furry recently of this parish) purely to listen to his completely delusional monologues both for 1. pure, joyful entertainment; and 2. writing material. It is simply too good. I cannot resist, even though it may result in me being disposed of in a number of heavy duty plastic bags somewhere in Auderghem.

6. The sin of intolerance. Things I cannot tolerate this month: slow walking pensioners on public thoroughfares, excessive reliance on emoticons, anyone sitting in coach 5 of the Eurostar and having the temerity to speak, the evil empire of Nespresso.


Right. The drill is as follows, new confessees. You may, if you wish, suggest penance for me. You may also confess your own sins and I will devise a horrible penance for you. Go on, confess, the sweet balm of secular absolution awaits you, my children.

43 comments:

52seductions said...

I'm not sure if this counts as slatternliness, neuroticism or just plan stupidity, but as I was writing my blog post yesterday, I realised I was pulling my eyebrow hairs out in great clumps. Do not ask me why; I couldn't possibly tell you. But I now have a hole in my left eyebrow, so if you could also grant some kind of hair-growing miracle I would be much obliged. Either that or write a post on eyebrow pencils on Facegoop.

Anonymous said...

I have an inappropriate crush on my 6'5," looks-like-Ewan-McGregor, tai chi instructor. He is younger than me, much wiser and fucking lovely. I have a body only a husband could love, am older than him and never practice my form. I am paying him for private lessons just so I can spend time with him. I am doomed.

M. said...

The sin of, what? Self-indulgence?

I am the rottenest of all rotten rotters. I have landed a dream job on an exotic island famed as a shopping paradise. I will sip cocktails by my pool in my spare time, while devising ways to spend my disposable income, and investing my savings. And yet all I can do is moan about it, while around me my friends and colleagues are scrabbling for jobs at the nearest Tesco.

Rotten. Rotten rotten spoiled whiner.

Alison Cross said...

I have a sin, and it could shape up to be a proper one - but I am too scared to put it down in pixels a) in case I jinx it and b) in case it actually comes to pass.

All I'm going to say is: I MAY have to do shave my legs.

Ali x

Anonymous said...

I am not usually a violent person, but I think I might firebomb or maim the next Belgian estate agent who posts an advert without the address of the property on it.. and I can feel an increasing need to pay a hit man to take out the whole of the UK government.. because they are Tories, and I hate them. Oh, dear, and I said I wasn't normally violent...

Anonymous said...

I've really missed these confessionals.

I have a neighbour who has tried to befriend me and I’ve been blatantly rude to her, pretending I don’t hear her when she calls my name from across the road. She is your typical fucking busy body on the street, and gets right on my wick. She claims her 6yo son is Autistic but then lets him play out on his own whilst she sits in the house with the blinds closed. She wears his condition like a badge on her lapel and is too much of a do-gooder for my liking. She has befriended the lovely ‘childless’ old lady that lives beside me and cooks her Sunday roasts, takes her shopping etc...... I reckon she’s just after some inheritance. She does all the above whilst working full time, I can’t even find the time to shave my legs so maybe I’m just jealous of her enviable time management skills. She has now joined twitter and started following me, I’ve blocked her. My mum says she is a nice girl and that I’m just a cow.

I’ve strong armed my husband into going for a vascectomy. I don’t think he’s particularly happy about it but after having a 9lb9oz baby which ‘killed’ and then recently having to have my fanny frozen due cervical erosion I can’t say I feel much sympathy.

I’m in shit loads of debt and have just sold some shares. Whilst the sensible thing to do would be pay some of it off, I have instead booked a villa in Greece for 2 weeks.

I spend way too much time on twitter, to the point that some nights when I know I should be reading a bedtime story to our 3yo, I’m tweeting instead. My lovely daughter started school last week and people asked me if I cried on her 1st day. She skipped into school very excited, it never occurred to me I should be weeping, is there something wrong with me?

My house hasn’t been cleaned for at least 2 weeks.

We have decided go out for Christmas Dinner for the 1st time ever, it’s quite expensive and my parents have said they cannot justify the cost, I feel bad because I’m quite glad.

My mum does my head in and I’ve moaned about her to my best friend who’s just lost her mum very suddenly, I feel bad for this too.

the polish chick said...

i have just put my mother in law on the plane yesterday and while i must say i behaved decently most of her week-long visit (mr. monkey generously put my niceness at 95%), the other 5% i was a class one bitch. i actually had a heated and quite emotional (for me) argument with her about a certain kind of pierogi. i know, i know...
it's just that she has a metaphorical "kick-me" sign tacked to her backside and my legs, they are a-twitching.

next up? my parents whom i love but whose visits i fear, are coming for a week. i should be purely ecstatic but instead am vaguely resentful about having to give up our bed since my dad is too tall for the guest sofa bed.

i keep gaining weight and am seemingly unable to do anything about it, like exercising more or easing off the sweets or wine.

i am seeing an ear-nose-throat guy today about a weird lymph node and i am actually thinking that, hey, i could die soon and then none of this will matter.

i need a smack. i know.

Anonymous said...

I have two jobs, but one has more work, so I spend lots of time at Job A secretly doing work for Job B...and reading blogs! I yell at my kids out of my frustration when they don't deserve it. My poor dogs are fed well, but don't get enough attention. Bless me...

Author, author! said...

Squalid seasonal treats! I bought about four (I actually know how many but even here I'm not telling) bags of candy corn, a vile confection that is no good for anyone, even though I'm unemployed and can't afford food this week AND I'm allergic to the stuff and turn bright red and hivey. Ridiculous and idiotic on so many levels. Thanks for the absolution! I really needed it. So I get to keep eating it now, right?

Actually on the same shopping trip I got a $2 gorgeous red wrap that I've been looking for for ages. Except same conditions apply. Well, I'm not allergic to it, but it's not exactly budgeted, see.

Oh the shame.

Pochyemu said...

My sins are all household related:
1. I don't clean, but we've always known that. However, I spend quite a lot of time shouting at FC for not cleaning, while I sit on my ass. Not cleaning.
2. Current financial situation dictates that I mooch off FC for money for the first time ever. He made me solomnly swear that I wouldn't buy stupid shit or fags with it, as he's skint too. I ran down to the nearest shopping centre and got my eyebrows threaded and bought 2 packs of 10 cigarettes. Just the necessities!
3. I went out half the night with my friend the other day after work, forgot I owned a dog, and forgot said dog needs to piss, shit and eat. I therefore had to cook him an omelette at 23:00 as he was out of dog food. The sad part was the seething resentment (I had to go to bed! I had work in the morning! Doesn't he CARE??) and then, because I was tipsy, I ate part of the omelette because I was peckish and it smelled good and I was too lazy to make my own.

Anonymous said...

Bless me Waffle for I have sinned:

I steal toilet paper from work because I really resent spending money on that kind of crap. I'd take the soap if it wasn't bolted to the wall.

I find dating boring. I'd really like to skip to the sex part without having to do all the smiling and pretending not to be a grumpy fuck up.

I like reading really bad sex blogs for amusement, but I worry about my housemates seeing my search history. Not enough to stop doing it though.

I owe about 3 grand to Natwest and they can fuck right off, I'm spending all my money on cava and fags.

Ah, I feel better now.

Anon Five

Jaywalker said...

I suppose I ought to mete out some penance.

52 Seductions - That's, like, trychillomania! Stop it. It's bad. Every time you feel the urge you must instead say five novenas. If you can't say novenas, you may recite "The wheels on the bus".

Anon 1 - That's not even bad. You are EXERCISING. No penance.

M - Oh, THIS is easy. Your punishment is NOT TO MOVE TO A PARADISE ISLAND LEAVING YOUR BRAIN TWIN BEHIND.

Ali - Whoop! I like the sound of that, however you haven't actually confessed to anything.

Anon 2 - Uuuuuugh I know exactly what you mean. On both counts actually. Penance: I find it hard to punish you for this, but I suppose firebombing isn't VERY nice. I sentence you to go to Delhaize on a Monday night and go to the special till where they deal with all the customer service and special booze requests.

Anon 3 - This is exactly what confession is about. You are emboldening me to more anonymous BADNESS. Hmmmm. Your penance is to be nice to your mum for 24 hours. Not your neighbour, she sounds kind of annoying.

Polish Chick - Meh, 95% lovely? You did AMAZING. Your penance is to give us a pierogi recipe.

Anon 4: Maybe you could take your children and dogs for a walk. WOW that sounds unappealing, especially if yours are like mine and hate hate HATE being taken for walks (children, not dogs).


Author Author - Oh, pfffff. Candy? AND you're already suffering what with the redness and weals. Eat an apple. Apparently they're good for you or some such nonsense.

Pochyemu! The threading and fags I particularly like. Also, omelette sharing, though that's not actually even slightly bad. Hmmmm. I think next time FC lends you money you should buy him something nice. A packet of crisps, say.

Anon 5 - What kind of workplace still has proper loo roll? You're spoilt. Your penance is to find us a particularly bad passage from one of the bad sex blogs and PASTE IT INTO THE COMMENTS. Oh yes.

Anonymous said...

Bless me Waffle, it's been 15 years since my last confession.

Oh so much sinful behaviour, far too much to list. Here are the most heinous sins:

Lying. I can't help myself. It's easier than admitting how pathetic I really am.

Lack of direction. I sit about feeling sorry for myself whilst I do nothing. I have no career in sight, but hate what I currently do, not enough to change mind you.

I buy crap I don't need (and can't afford), for that momentary happy feeling which fades within minutes.

I watch garbage on tele for hours on end.

Every night I decide that tomorrow I will exercise because it a makes me feel better, but then I don't. I only run when the fiance does. Then I bitch about how unfit I am. Exercising once a week does not result in ANYTHING but self-loathing. I repeat this weekly.

I drink too much and smoke too much pot. I like my vices a far too much.

I eat either nothing or crap. A typical day is coffee and water OR coffee, crisps, Kit-Kats and Rolos, for every meal. Then I moan about how ill I feel (either scenario causes this self-pitying-moaning-fest).

M. said...

Pffft.

I have a far worse sin to confess.
Today a perky Cancer Research girl knocked on my door. I told her I was cooking dinner (I was making toast) and that I couldn't speak to her. Then I felt bad so I asked her for a leaflet I had no intention of reading. Instead, I watched Gossip Girl.

I am a cheap bastard.

Fat Controller said...

Walking slowly on public thoroughfares, excessive reliance on emoticons, sitting in coach 5 of the Eurostar and having the temerity to speak and the evil empire of Nespresso are all heinous sins in themselves. You are therfore absolved of the sin of intolerance.

Anonymous said...

I have spent almost every penny of the children's inheritance on paying off my credit card.

I am sneak eating large amounts of cheesecake and hiding the packs in bins around town when I take the dog for a (very short) walk

I have my husbands c/c number listed on my Amazon account and quite often "accidentally" use his instead of mine

I really miss phone sex and I'm not sure how long I can resist the temptation. Well it's something to do while I do the ironing.

Anonymous said...

I don't keep in touch with most of my family. It's not that I don't like them, I do (in small doses). I'm just lazy and selfish. And I don't want the responsibility any more. I'm not talking about children, I'm not quite that much of a mean bastard.


I saw someone from a dating site last month and it was so embarrassing and awful that I couldn't even find it in my heart to tell him he was "a really great person, but not for me", or whatever the fuck shit you're supposed to say to be nice and let people down gently. I just wanted to erase my entire existence, actually, and go into witness protection. And I left a nice Foyle's bag in the restaurant in my shellshocked state and I haven't plucked up the courage to go back for it. He wasn't even awful, just terribly, terribly shy.


I told a charity vendor - but, in my defence, a really dodgy looking one who had invented her own charity - that I would buy one of her shitty motheaten keyrings on the way out of the supermarket. But then they were ten quid and I just couldn't face it, so I ran off. I didn't even have the presence of mind to pretend to be on the phone or anything.

Oh dear.

Anonymous said...

Ack. Hate, hate, HATE* best friend's obnoxious, sarcastic, arrogant, know-it-all, socially inept daughter. The only redeeming aspect of this is at least she's not still a child. Somehow hating someone's young child feels worse.

Want so badly to tell her that, in the absence of any sort of career (or even something that could be coaxed into a career), 30 is far too old to still be trying to ride on the coattails of having been in the "gifted" program in high school. It is, in fact, ridiculous to still even be mentioning it in public at that age. You wanna impress people? GET A JOB.

And stop sending me the pathetic hats you knit. They make me look like an escaped mental patient. I will never wear them.

Phew! Now I feel better.

wv - ovivi - A rallying cry for those who must pretend to like our friend's dire, intolerable adult children.

Ovivi!

Anon 7

*okay. am very VERY annoyed by.

Jaywalker said...

Thanks, Fat Controller. I feel better now I'm absolved.

Iamadork said...

I have a stupid dorky crush on someone on Twitter.

I've met him once, well, seen would be more accurate. And it might not even have been him, since we didn't actually speak, I just saw him across a table. I'm pretty sure it was him. Anyway. If it IS the person I think it is (duh) then I have a crush. And if it ISN'T, I'm exchanging dorky borderline flirtatious 140 character messages with some random individual who isn't the person I've decided it must be.

This makes no sense, except in my head. I'm sober, honest. Actually, reading that back, I think I should go and start drinking. Or get a life.

Anonymous said...

I'm smoking and drinking too much as well as having amazing sex with a man I used to work with and otherwise behaving like a hormonal teenager despite being 40, instead of looking for a better job and supervising my childrens' homework like a good suburban mom. Fuck it; I don't even feel that guilty.

Margaret said...

Oh, candy corn, I love your high-fructose corn syrupy goodness, but apparently if I eat a half pound of you in one sitting it leads to unfortunate gastrointestinal sequelae.

Today's confession: When I said I would run out to pick up something at the corner store for my husband and he said, "See if my mom wants anything," I pretended I didn't hear him.

I don't have any other confessions because I am uncharacteristically optimistic and reasonably motivated. It could be the Paxil. It could be the new birth control pill. I don't give a shit what it is, all I care is that I haven't had a massive panic attack or the daily grind of formless anxiety in two weeks. TWO WEEKS of not feeling like a wrung-out rag of shittiness most waking hours.

Waffle, if the CFO has TWO cleaners and you have none, then I think that is all the penance you deserve.

miss melis said...

Bless me Waffle, for I have sinned. It has been 5 years since my last (real, Catholic) confession, but this is my first BW Secular Confession.

First sin: I am inordinately excited to be participating in the BWSC because I am a secret narcissist and love talking about myself.

Second sin: The number of people I've had sex with has tripled in the last two months. Okay, only from one to three (I was a late bloomer), but still. Both encounters were fairly random and not relationship-oriented at all. (I AM looking for a relationship, but apparently I'm not patient enough to stop sleeping with pretty much any guy who's willing until I find one.)

#2 was a one-night stand - well, technically it was two nights, but it means about the same - whom I met in the bar of a chain restaurant (!) while on my way home from a wedding several states away. He was amazing in bed and I was very demanding of him. I told him if he ever comes to my city (he lives hundreds of miles away) and is still single, he needs to get in touch with me so we can do it again. I sincerely and fervently hope that it happens because the sex was so good, but know that it is unlikely.

#3 is a fiercely intelligent, lovely, sweet, awkward guy whom I dearly want to be friends with but don't really find attractive. I was drunk and horny, though, and he was very high and really wanted to... so I guess we both got what we wanted? I still feel vaguely bad about it, even though I told him well before it happened that I'm not interested in a relationship with him. I should add that I am not so attractive or wonderful that I should be cavalierly turning down the possibility of a relationship, as I've no idea when another boyfriend opportunity might come along.

Third sin: I am so fed up with having roommates that I complain about mine to whoever is willing to listen, and even though I like them, I am intermittently bitchy to them for no real reason. One of them has a boyfriend who visits every other weekend, and even though I have no problem with him personally, having an extra person in my tiny apartment (and sharing the one tiny bathroom) so often drives me insane.

Fourth sin: laziness both general and particular. I frequently hate my job, and need a better one, but I haven't done much to find another opportunity. I don't make nearly enough money, and I'm accepting way more help than I'm happy with from my parents, but somehow none of these factors motivates me enough to actually get my shit together and do something about it.

Fifth sin: Two of my dear friends got married last week (third wedding this year in that group of friends!) and I spent a good fraction of my time at the reception semi-drunkenly asking my other coupled-but-unmarried friends, "So, when are YOU getting married?" I'm sure they all loved that question! Yeah, I'm sort of a terrible friend... but I REALLY wanted to know!

Those are far from being all my sins, but I'm pretty sure those are the only ones severe and/or interesting enough for me to be confessing at the moment.

WV is "flingsin", which is pretty apropos to my second confession above, I think...

Anonymous said...

Forgive me, Waffle, my sins of the past month were apathy, sloth, and schadenfreude.

My sister is having some sort of emotional problems, but I can't bring myself to care. I respond to her infrequently, and hope she'll get annoyed and start whining to someone else about them.

I have two friends who are both mental. The one keeps breaking up with and going back an abusive boyfriend, and I have stopped talking to her for weeks at a time. I claim I'm busy, but it's because I can't spend 3 hours on the phone while she cries to me that she's broken up again, he's so mean, etc. Not only do I no longer have sympathy towards her plight (he's not physically abusive, which would bother me enough to get involved, but just yells at her and is jealous and controlling), but I'm too lazy to even tell her that she's a bitch to him back, that I hate the way she acts when she's dating him, and she'd "stop making these mistakes" if she would admit that she's mental and get proper medication. Her demanding nature and selfishness have worn my patience and pity for her to a nub. In fact, at this point, I'm rather amused at their back and forth on Facebook. I just smile and let it remind me that I'm happy with my husband.

My other friend is a judgmental bigot who's been harassing me about my (recent) choice of religion sporadically, and I haven't had the heart to tell her to knock it off. I like her otherwise, and I keep telling myself that I haven't said anything because I'm worried I'll lose her as a friend, and it's really that I'm too lazy to do anything but ignore her harping and enjoy the rest of her company. And I won't get rid of either friend because they both have cars and I do not, and it will soon be too cold to walk to the grocery store.

I don't call my parents, I haven't kept up with my housework, but I have plenty of time to play video games and watch television. If you can name an adult thing I ought to be doing (besides showing up for work), I'm not doing it. I'm not even sorry that things aren't getting done.

miss melis said...

Oh dear Nathan, accidental double post! As if it wasn't long and boring enough the first time. Dear Jaywalker, would you be so kind as to delete my repeat?

52seductions: I did that same thing once in high school, while writing a paper, in the midst of one of my worst panic attacks ever. I think it's called trichotillomania. I think having to draw your eyebrows in, presumably as inexpertly as I did, for a few weeks would be penance enough. Just be glad you're not in high school on top of it!

Iamadork: I also have a Twitter crush on someone. I feel your pain! (Or perhaps just awkwardness?) Unfortunately, this "someone" makes a career out of Twitter/social media, so he has an absolutely ridiculous amount of followers, an incredibly busy social life, and no real reason to be aware of my existence. He has DMed me a few times in response to my tweets/comments on his photos, and I get a little frisson of excitement every time. So yeah, I'm a dork too. I don't really feel like it's much of a sin, though... I wonder what the penance for a Twitter crush is?

frau antje said...

I cobble drunk.

Wasn't going to confess, but the WV was leangst.

Anonymous said...

I recently confessed in a drunken strop to my husband that his mother is a first class c**t. She is but the poor man didn't need to hear that... I feel terrible.

Anonymous said...

Waffle, anon2 here.. have not yet had the temerity to confess to who I am.. I think sending me to Delhaize customer services, is harsh, but on reflection, I accept the penance, on the grounds that I should be grateful you didn't send me to the post office. I fear no sin is that great....

Rosie Redfield said...

'venal' sins?

ganching said...

The last time I went to confession it was in the garden at my parent's house. It was the day before my father's funeral and the parish priest took each of us siblings outside, one by one, and wandered round the garden chatting idly and then before we knew it he had wiped of all our sins. We compared notes afterwards and I got the ligtest penance. This is the first time I have participated in the secular confession.

So enough prevaricating. I have sins so bad I could never confess them so here are some mild ones.

Sometimes I make dinner for my neurotic friend, who is terrified of dying of mad cow disease, and I give him meat which is not organic. When he asks about it I always lie.

When I was in France with another friend who is is Irish and fiercly vegetarian but remarkably unobservant and unable to speak French I did not point out that he was eating chips cooked in lard.

When I spend time with my terminally ill mother I sometimes pretend that I am working on my laptop and am too busy to talk. What I'm doing is twittering and looking for Nicole Farhi dresses and 50s china on eBay. I am deeply ashamed of this.

Ok do your worse with the penance. I know it will be more than 3 Hails Marys and one Our Father.

(My WV is trapture which sounds like something an extremely religious person from Leeds would be looking forward to.)

punxxi said...

I have 4 computers and I just ordered a new one,wtf does one person need with 2 pcs, 2 laptops and a netbook you ask? I wanted it. Impulse buying is the 8th sin, you know.

Anonymous said...

Bless me Waffle, for I have sinned. It's been several months since my last confession.
I am three months behind with my invoices (still) and rapidly running out of money. Instead of getting them done for once and for all, I keep putting the task off time and time again. This provokes waves of anxiety that tide me over to the next day, making things even worse than before.
I know the sinner can't choose the penance, but I will try to do some invoices today - if I manage to quell the urge to spend hours reading blogs on my computer, clean the oven, bake a totally unnecessary cake or tidy some part of my flat, anything to avoid doing those bloody invoices. I know it's completely and utterly irrational to be carrying on like this, but for some reason I can't help myself....
anon.one

Hester said...

Forgive me, Internets, for I have sinned. In more ways than I can begin to count.
But it’s complicated.Very. Although in moral terms perhaps rather simple. Twitter crushes? Small beer. I am in the middle of a full blown Twitter affair.

About which I feel very conflicted. I did not expect to meet the love of my life (oh, well, if you want to be tiresomely accurate, the third love of my life, but I’m hardly in the first flush of youth) on Twitter. Or to connect deeply on every level - intellectually, emotionally and sexually - with someone whom I haven’t actually met, who lives in another country, and who is married (he says very unhappily) with a child he adores. I am very mindful of the fact that one should take anything a married lover says about his marriage with a huge pinch of salt, but for various reasons, which I can’t discuss, I am inclined to believe that his home life is very bleak indeed.

After the truly catastrophic results of earlier bad behaviour on my part in my 20s, I had sworn never to commit adultery again. And to be a better person, with a moral compass that actually works, not just with the little arrow spinning round and round, hopelessly out of control. To take a step back, if reason should ever conflict with passion again, and not give myself up to the forces of chaos.

But of course it’s not quite as simple as that. The steps away from the Path of Righteousness on the Hill of Virtue are so small, and so gradual, that you don’t even realise what you’re doing until you’ve picked up speed and are suddenly careering down the hillside towards the Valley of Vice, unable to stop, without even really noticing it (although the whole of the preceding sentence may be just yet another form of denial of responsibility).

(end of part 1 - contd below. Post too long)

Hester said...

Part 2

My lover and I are enchanted with one another, absorbed in one another, as it’s very easy to be in a virtual relationship, without any of the tiresome details of real life getting in the way. We each know who the other is in real life, however, and have exchanged enough photographs to know that we would almost certainly fancy each other in real life, too. We spend endless hours discussing any and everything by email, chat and, occasionally, telephone. And doing other things, too. Although getting together, even for a brief time, in real life presents a lot of difficulties (not least that we are living in different countries) we have created our own private world which brings us both a great deal of joy. And I use that word advisedly. Although the sexual side is important, it is equally about love, tenderness, caring, affection, emotional support, and also shared intellectual interests. A potent and addictive combination. That I should have found all this via Twitter is a matter of absolute astonishment to me.

This has made us both inordinately happier, as a result of which we are finding our real lives easier, and probably being rather nicer to the people around us. Nevertheless, it is quite clearly morally wrong. It is adultery, in all but the strictest physical sense of the word, and it is taking up a great deal of time and attention that my lover should be giving to his wife, and to his marriage, to see if they can be redeemed, and that I should be giving to my work (from which I have become very distracted, in recent weeks), which is extremely important to me. I know what I am doing is wrong on several different levels, but I’m not sure I can bring myself to stop. Or to inflict that level of hurt on my lover who, when I met him, was wretchedly unhappy.

But I feel increasingly guilty as the days and weeks go on. I have been in the position of being an adulterer, and I remember what it was like to be with someone in the flesh, and simultaneously to be somewhere else, with someone, else, in my mind. It distances you from your real partner: your attention is elsewhere, and you are essentially absent. I feel very bad about inflicting that on someone else, albeit at one remove. This is what I swore I would never do again. And, whatever the seemingly intractable problems of my lover’s relationship with his wife, for every day that I continue with this I am a Bad Person.

Forgive me, Internets, for I have very comprehensively sinned, and knowingly continue to do so. Unexpected happiness is so very, very hard to give up.

chiclit said...

Is it too late for confessional? My sins feel a bit lame, but here they are:

1) My job is dependent on a contract being signed -which it has yet to be. So massive uncertainity. My "girls" a gang of former colleage friends (decades of friendship at this point) are going to a warm place for holiday next month. I declined to go, partially due to money, partially due to the rigors of travel for a long weekend, and choice of location. I didn't really share the latter reasons, and now a rich friend has offered up her free miles and sent a check to cover the hotel, insisting I go, in a gracious, complimentary and face saving email to me. I know the amount of money to her is equivalent to my recent decision to give my niece and extra 50 bucks walking around money for a trip to NYC. It seems churlish not to say yes, but I feel guilty taking her money and think it will taint the friendship, yet also because I work in non profit and she is very rich, think its kind of my right in today's world-so I will. I also feel very guilty for misrepresenting my reasons for not going AND not saving properly no matter my job situation-and I am certainly not being in the least frugal day to day (hello new sweaters).

2.) I am behind on submitting travel reimbursements from work, am avoiding my baseline colonoscopy and dental work despite impending loss of health insurance due to job situation.

3.) Was involved in an internet friendship based on a shared interest with a younger man from Europe. Eventually his life changed, he began to lose interest in our shared interest. The relationship was not intimate in a sexual sense, but I had begun to share mundane details, fears and insecurities. We wrote at least every other day and now that its ended, I miss him everyday, thinking of things I would have told him in an email, and am grieving the relationship to the point of weeping -not sure why as where did I think it was going? But am most ashamed that I acted like a spurned lover and wrote a scathing series of emails to him as he walked away. I feel ridiculous and he wrote back wishing me strength in dealing with my life's problems.

4) I was supervising a carpet cleaning for a friend whose Mother unexpectedly died, leaving her with her very fragile elderly Dad. Friend has no spouse, children or siblings so friends have been rallying around-and she had to take Dad out of town for a short trip. Anway, my office didn't seem to appreciate that I was on a day off, and I had to participate in the editing of documents on a conference call during carpet cleaning, so I failed to notice they were applying fresh scent and anti bac coating (I did tell them her mother fell and died on the floor of the bedroom) and so she was charged at extra 200 dollars. I feel guilty and am contemplating calling them on Monday and seeing if they will remove the charge or at least let me pay for it-as I recommended the company and am a long time customer.

5.) My house desperately needs cleaning and the dog quality time from me, and I wanted to go the the Facebook movie.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'm going to spend next week sinning, just so I have something interesting to say when you next post. Maybe that's a sin in itself. My sin is that I am boring myself to tears.

paradoxical said...

Dear Waffle...shopping when you are broke and envying those with cleaners? These are not sins! They are the height of normal (since surely we are all guilty of the same and we can't *all* be guilty, surely?!) You are hereby absolved!

I have to confess to the v nasty (and decidedly bitchy) sin of feeling superior. I must stop, as this is a distinctly unattractive quality (although I don't share my feelings with anyone except this lovely confessional so thankfully no one actually realises I feel this way). I have friends on the likes of facebook and I must suppose at one point we were actually friends but now I just look at their ridiculous bullshit 'updates' and comments (filled with grammatical errors and general idiocy) and think, christ but you are fucking stupid! I yearn to post horrendous responses to their stupidity/ignorance/bigotry but am too scared for fear of nasty web-based backlash (and also for fear that I would actually be lynched should I ever go back to my home town where many of these stupid specimens still live). So, instead, I make myself feel a little better about my total lack of courage by feeling intellectually superior. Oh god, I really am a bitch.

GUILTY said...

I have a wonderful boyfriend. He is not perfect, but he is probably the most perfect thing I could ever spend my life with. He's sweet, model-pretty, helps about the house, gives me my time when I need it, and the sex is great and fairly frequent. Essentially I have no reason to want for anything.

Despite this, I find myself in my 30's with a flush of hormones that at times make me wonder if I might just go out in the street and 'present myself' lifting my skirt to the first decent looking male passer-by.

To try and curb this I have been all over my boyfriend trying to get as much sex as I can (hoping that eventually this need I'm feeling will be satisfied and I can have my regular sex drive back,) but have also joined an internet site, where I can chat and even meet with men should I like. For the first time in my life I've put (headless, unidentifiable) naked photos of myself on the web.

I have chatted with a few guys, and some I really would not hesitate to offer myself up to for some purely physical action... except for the boyfriend. My reptilian brain is completely in heat and my sensible side is screaming that I will RUIN EVERYTHING AND REGRET IT FOREVER AND EVER.

I hate my reptilian brain. I know I need to quit that site, but some part of me likes the attention and thinks it's fun. Reptilian brain does not present good arguments, but has a compellingly strong voice.

Anonymous said...

I spent a total of five hours sleeping this weekend, using the rest of the time watching pornography and having sex with my fiance. I am now at work, very tired and undernourished. Ouch.

Forgive me?

No way I'm leaving my name on this one, for the shame of it all.

Anonymous said...

Bless me Waffle, for I have at last finished the invoices.
Penance is over, now I am free to sin again.

H said...

Hey, anonymous number five. Do you want to get together for some cava drinking? You sound like fun.

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