Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Bono and the Belgian Constitutional Crisis

I woke up with a certainty I had to convey something vital to M about Ispahans (the mythic Pierre Hermé cake). It has been troubling me all day. Oh! I just remembered. It was that Chanel Rouge Coco Mademoiselle lipstick smells and tastes like Ispahan and possibly this is why we like it. I should have started a blog post earlier, clearly.

I am glad that is out of the way. I was reminded by eating half a Kinder bar that had been knocking around in the sediment at the bottom of my handbag with a bottle of Serge Lutens Sa Majesté La Rose perfume, creating something akin to what a team of poorly trained monkeys might come up with when presented with the ingredients for a rose flavoured piece of confectionery and an unlimited supply of methamphetamine. Anyway, now M is moving to Singapore (with flagrant disregard for my wellbeing) I believe that means that ALL the Ispahans in Europe are now mine. Just saying.

Where is this all going? I have absolutely no idea. Stick with me, I'm fragile tonight. A large dog peed on me in the park this evening. This is the second time in two years, and I am concerned that now that two dogs have peed on me I am to all intents and purposes a lamppost and must ready myself for being peed on all the time for territorial marking reasons. Apart from that my sense of fun has been swallowed up by various tentacles of the swirling, year long apocalypse that is 2010 (yes, tentacles can swallow), but I have a great deal of leftover confectionery from my daytrip to London and I am too tired to trouble you for long. It's all going to be ok.

News from Brussels is as follows:

Belgium is no closer to having a government than it was when the elections were held in June. We still have the fat idiot and the dapper little man in the bow tie. The fat idiot is busying himself writing polemics about the Walloon record on wartime collaboration, with particularly reference to cartoon authors (very Belgian, this). The one with the bow tie .. actually, where is he? I haven't heard from him for a few days. I reckon the fat one has eaten him. The king looks quietly furious whenever he is spotted in public, as well he might.

In other news, Bono is in Brussels tonight, as U2 are performing. Joy. The Stade Roi Baudoin will be echoing to the sounds of his self-important shouting. I could probably hear him from here if my fridge were not having some kind of seizure. The combination of this, and our absence of a government fills me with terror. Particular since Tony Blair has recently reinforced all Bono's delusions with his puzzling assertion that "Bono .. could have been a president or prime minister standing on his head". You can see my concern. We're talking about a man with a frustrated vocation here. And a handy snack sized country. A starter country for a man of Bono's boundless ambition.

I feel absolutely sure that if anyone happens, inadvertently, to mention to him that Belgium has been without a government for approximately three years, being the helpful messianic megalomaniac he is, he will offer to step in and bring peace to our conflict torn nation. I just know it's going to happen. I know it deep in the heart of my being, Bono is going to be the next Belgian Prime Minister. Bono, of course, will not let a small thing like linguistic divisions stand in the way of rock n roll government. Maybe we will have a new dreary pomp rock anthem to replace La Brabançonne? The Atomium will be covered with lasers and video screens. The Manneken Pis will be forced to wear fuckwitted visor style sunglasses. We are all doomed. DOOMED I TELL YOU. I suppose it will give Africa a break from his attentions at least? And frankly, with its colonial history, Belgium owes Africa that much.

A better solution, surely, would be to send Bart de Wever down to the Roi Baudoin stadium tonight to eat Bono in a tidy and workmanlike fashion. The whole country will be united in a common purpose, francophones and flems alike willing him on as he drinks Bono's spinal fluid with a genièvre/jenever chaser. The celebrations at our deliverance from Prime Minister Bono will be unprecedented and a thousand year reign of peace and prosperity will settle on the Kingdom of Belgiana.

But hang on. Does that mean Bono DID solve the Belgian constitutional crisis?


cruella said...

Splendid. And when fat man is done eating Bono, perhaps you can send him over to Sweden for a wee piece of dessert consisting of our newly elected extremist party.

Yess, Sweden is finally in the club! Speaking of constitutional crisis. (But in a very modest, even Swedish way.)

M. said...

You need a lie down. There there.

Also, Ispahan WTF. It tastes and smells nothing like Rouge Coco Mademoiselle. Are you having a seizure?
I refute your conclusion re: the afore mentioned cakes. Off the check if there is a PH concession in Singapore. If not, there may be crying.

Anonymous said...

not for the first time Waffle I must thank you for cheering another wise dreary evening.

Dara said...

dude, you are funny!

encephalartos said...

The fat man will be running for mayor in Antwerp in two years, so i still have two years left to emigrate :-p

Laurel said...

Hmm. That is quite a philosophical conundrum. But entertaining either way, so thank you! In my opinion you deserve a book deal just for being able to make Belgian politics interesting. Perhaps a textbook, even?

Em said...

Many years ago I interviewed Bono in the back of a limo. He came up to my chest and was wearing platform shoes that were twice his height. It did not go well. I was very young and so nervous my hair was spontaneously combusting.

I can confidently say this: give him an inch and Bono will eat Belgium up, fat man and all. Run for the hills...

Bryony said...

every time I come to Belgium (twice this year for a start) it rains and gets gloomy - how will he see anything with those sunglasses on ?

Anonymous said...

I too am concerned that dogs are peeing on you. What does this mean? Are "man's best friend(s)" beginning to revolt -- and taking it out on women?

My favorite (and only) Bono joke: Bono, performing at a stadium concert, began clapping his hands over his head, & said, "Every time I clap my hands another poor child dies."
And from the middle of the crowd came a shout, "Then stop clapping your bloody hands."
(I'm not any better verbally with jokes, I'm afraid....)

Anonymous said...

Sorry, omitted my name (I'm sunburnt & tired).
It's Pat (in Belgium, only right now I'm visiting family in Miami where it's 100 freakin' degrees Fahrenheit!)

gretchen said...

my best friend moved to singapore this summer. i am so lost without her, both our kids were the same ages and everything. and what is this with singapore sucking up all our best friends?

Margaret said...

Wait--what? M is moving to Singapore?? What the hell? What will happen to Face Goop? Why are dogs peeing on you? Bono as PM of Belgium? I go on vacay for a week and the whole enterprise just collapses.

the polish chick said...

dude, whatever you're on is working. keep evading those tentacles and drinking perfume: clearly, it is a literary win.

WV: squate - past tense of to squat, as in "she squate in the field and was delivered of a boy child"

kathycastro said...

(whispers) I like U2.

frau antje said...

Thank you from all of us vaguely worrying about this no government, quietly furious royalty thing.

There is a toad and leather flavor, it's called Waldmeister.

Anonymous said...

I'm seeing U2 tonight at Roi Baudoin, even though I'm not a fan. Now the concert will be infinitely more interesting because I can spend the whole time imagining Bono as PM of Belgium and all that would entail. Thanks for the laugh. I'm still giggling 12 hours later...

sniffle said...

How very dare you.

On TV right now , Paul Hewson is one of 5 candidates for bestest ever Irish person.

Up against legends Mikey Collins, Johnny Hume , Noddy Robinson and our pre-special Olympics martyr Jamsie Connolly.

Betty M said...

Not even Belgium deserves Bono.

I hear that M. Herme has opened a shop in Knightsbridge so I will check out his cakes.

Shannon Gordon said...

Have you seen the south park episode about Bono? Its fantastic. I sense that you would appreciate it.

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