Friday, 3 September 2010

13 keyword questions answered

The keyword searches are getting out of hand. I need to sort some of them out. Many keyword searchers appear to mistake me for either a veterinary surgeon or an etiquette guide. The remainder have blue genitals, I am not going to deal with those ones, there isn't enough latex in all of Brussels.

1. Is it wrong to look at naked women?

No. It is not. Unless you are hiding in their gardens and peering in through their windows as they emerge from the shower, holding a massive telephoto lens in your sweaty claws. Then it is wrong. Is that all clear now?

2. Are okapis fertile?

Really? What kind of a fucking question IS that? I mean. Think, keyword person. If the okapi exists, then it must have had parents who were also okapis. Thus, at least some okapis are fertile, yes. Also, I have met an okapi baby, which is presumably what brought you, fruitlessly, here, looking for the answer to your profoundly stupid question. I do hope you aren't a zoology student.

3. Corkscrew tail Scottish terrier back problems?

Why yes. If you attach a corkscrew to a Scottish terrier's tail, I can see that it might lead to back problems for the poor creature. If you are absolutely insistent, can I suggest you choose a basic waiter's friend, rather than one of those things shaped like a fish from the Conran Shop?

4. Why are my triops not moving?

Ok, I have two suggestions, and brace yourself, one of them is actually SERIOUS. Firstly, they are probably dead, you idiot. However, and this is based on my actual experience with actual Triops (and wasn't THAT a regrettable period in my life), Triops actually shed their old skin. Maybe what you are looking at is an old Triops exoskeleton? Whilst the lithe, new, shiny Triops is over there being dismembered by one of its companions, because the little fuckers are cannibals, oh yeah.

5. Unicorn eating chicory

No. I think you have been misinformed. Unicorns eat sunlight and drink Elemis Supersoak. I should know, I run a unicorn stud in my other life, the one where things went a little better and I don't have to spend Friday nights picking sweetcorn out of the kilim and discovering new and ever more alarming places where the dog has been sick.

6. Zombies eating chicory

Yeah, that figures. I reckon Robald enjoys a nice witloof too.

7. Tarantula juggling

You know, I could be persuaded. They're quite cuddly and probably quite slow, so good for learner jugglers. Though of course I disapprove of juggling. It is but a short step to poi. Hey, tarantula poi! Put a tarantula in a sock and swing it around near your genitals. I'd pay to see that.

8. Cat performance beard

See me after class.

9. How to make a night fury cake?

I've thought hard about this one, but I think the actual answer is that almost all my cakes are night fury cakes. Take 1 imminent school fête, 500g perfectionism, 500g intense competitive instinct, 750g misplaced ambition, 1kg of incompetence, 1 defective oven manufactured circa 1978, and houseful of edible glitter. Forget to buy any eggs. Voilà.

10. What to wear to a Havisham party?

Oh, you know. Tears, decay, dust, trampled dreams and a rotting wedding dress. There's probably a Facebook group with handy hints. Bring me along next time, I'll fit right in.

11. Yellow dragon uncensored

No thank you. Pre-watershed PG certificate yellow dragons only for me, thanks.

12. Lotion roofies

And what do you do with that, exactly? Sneak up to some one in a bar and start surreptitiously MOISTURING them? You have not thought this through sufficiently. I am going to have to fail you.

13. Awesome mustache flying waffle

Whoever you are, I think I want to catch you, and keep you in my basement. Do you have a girlfriend?


soleils said...

The human mind and the questions it formulates will never cease to amaze me.
Your answers are too hilarious. Your mind is also amazing.

Dave Yello said...

Uh oh. Do you think they saw me in my bath?

Jaywalker said...

You didn't eat the okapi did you Dave? We've talked about this. Tsk.

Bryony said...

I want to come to the Havisham party. Am happily married (today is my anniversary in fact) but my wedding dress is spot on and I now look quite the part in it....

the queen said...

Damn, I feel bad. I've wondered about the okapi myself, since they look like the progeny of a zebra and a deer. Since the mule -- progeny of a donkey and a horse -- is infertile, it would make sense a deer / zebra would be intfertile.

the queen said...

Oh! But let's be clear, I wasn't the person who asked the original okapi question.

Laurel said...

I finally googled "triops" though you have mentioned them before. Okay, why would anybody own one of those creepy fuckers? I like horseshoe crabs, but these look like one bred with, I don't know, a maggot. (In which case you also probably get keyword searches asking, are triops fertile?)

From Belgium said...

Thanks, I needed a laugh after my dearest daughter got a hold of the Zwitsal and decided to smear it on every surface she could think of.

Lisa-Marie said...

I think the person who asked the last question is your solemate!

I shall tell you a story. A story about Bruce the frog who lives in our (ornamental, made of concrete) back garden pond, and his tadpoles. A life story, If you will.

We moved into our flat in March. Imagine our delight, in May, to discover not only a frog, but lots of little tadpole in the(badly, it leaks) man made pond in our garden.

One day, husband and I were having breakfast (at 3pm) in the garden, when i saw a little clump of tadpoles. One of the tadpoles appeared to have become a tiny frog, which is lovely. What was not so lovely is that all of it's tadpoley pals were eating it!

The circle of life is vicious it seems!

(one of the tiny frogs at least managed to escape - we saw it on a stone, outwith the pond and outwith reach of the we pal eating fuckers - and I have to believe it's still alive and properly sized now)

Fat Controller said...

You don't fool me for a moment. You delegated the answering of these questiond to your partner in crime, Dr Capybara.

Alison Cross said...

Waffle - where do you find these keyword questions?! Is it when you start typing your own query and previous queries pop up?

Your posts are always making me laugh. Thank you :-)

Ali x

Jaywalker said...

Ali - No, this is in my stats for how people found this blog.

Fat Controller - Heh. Actually, Dr Capybara has a locum at the moment, Dr Coypu. I don't trust him.

The Queen - Oh. See, I thought it was entirely without foundation, but you have found a sort of justification for it. The Okapi does look like a poor chopjob, I agree, but is not.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Wonderful answers. The unicorn one is genius. I want to go to a Havisham party too! I just need to track down a rotting wedding dress and some shattered dreams. Have a wonderful weekend xx

Anonymous said...

Even though I have a Scottie I promise I don't do a wordsearch in order to find how to attach a corkscrew to his tail. I normally do this with a piece of string.

Madame DeFarge said...

You are a veritable walking encyclopedia of stuff. I shall ponder on some mysterious question and see if I can stump you.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Hilarious post, obviously I've had to google all the questions myself...

Anonymous said...

oh my that was so excellently funny that I made some very loud chuckling noises and everyone looked up and demanded to know what I was guffawing at. Well done, Waffle you are a FUNMEISTER and no mistake

Slummysinglemummy said...

Hahaha - very funny post :-)

It always amazes me to read the kind of things that get people to my blog. 'Anal probe' is quite a popular search term, which is rather worrying...

Invader_Stu said...

I guess the zombie eating chicory question was about how they make the sound effects in movies for zombies eating since they use chicory.... god, why do I know that.

the polish chick said...

and here i thought i was the only one who hated jugglers. i also hate people who ride unicycles. and who do magic tricks. in fact, most street performers make me exceedingly nervous. and angry.

soleils said...

Do you think the night fury cake question was in fact about how to make a "knight and fairy cake"? I do love the night fury cake concept, of course, and I am about to put it into practice now, as we have nothing in for breakfast.

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ghada sayed said...

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